Well.. that's is what I wrote last week, due to relapsing and fucking up I was not ready to perceive what I felt and thought. At the moment I thought this was my last relapse, and I would write a symbolic farewell letter to one of my favourite girls. Sometimes I still feel naive because of my mindset versus my addiction, because I have learned there are so many layers to peel off and after years of recovery I still feel the addiction has a hold of me. Now I know the addiction has a hold of me, that it manipulates me and controls me more than I want to believe. But I am believing exactly that now. This is what I wrote on February 21st. Yesterday(so 20th of Feb) I relapsed unfortunately, and I found out I wasn't seeing signal that comprised my path towards PMO. The first symptom was focusing on a job that made me unhappy but enabled me to live a fairly decent life. I was able to act normal, have a routine.. be part of various communities and so on. Still, not enough focus on recovery, not enough self-compassion, not enough connected to my self. My job became a burden and now I feel I am paying the price, because I haven't felt right yet. There is no pleasure from Predominantly, that is what recovery is about. Recognising the right things and leaving behind what is wrong for you. I am not saying my job is wrong, but at this moment it is wrong for me. Too much stress, too little appeal. Besides this stressor I have experienced a lot of re...binding? What is it called again?! A rewiring. I am seeing a young lady my age and we share a lot of time, a lot of insights and also some sex. The sex has been a Trojan horse, giving me short term rewiring but on the long run major craves and post acute withdrawal symptoms. I had insomnia again. I am suffering more belching, aching muscles and so on. As a result I have been browsing and downloading porn again and seeing this resulted in a relapse, but also negative and warped thoughts, paranoia, decrease in self-esteem. Things have gotten tough on me and instead of toughening up I should change my decision-making. I think toughening up insinuates I should accept resistance from withdrawals and my job... but I have to option to take a different job. That's what I want. So far, sobriety from drugs and alcohol has brought me a much - clearer thoughts, the possibility to function in society. Now, this confidence allows me to see various elements of addiction as they truly are. Self-neglect, self-destruction, manipulation, self-delussion… you name it, I feel and see it. This was not the case a few years ago. That’s also the power of addiction, it blinds you even when you think you are self-connected. February 24th. Well, as for improving my situation… I have been meeting up with a woman for about 6 weeks now and she allowed me to trial -by-error in and out of my addiction… meaning I was able to have some proper rewiring and sex, but I noticed my body is not ready to have orgasmic sex yet. She is very supportive and I can’t see my life without her at this moment. We have become friends and we help each other out on various fields, and we both are on our own path of recovery. She listens to my stories, she allows me to share feelings, she helps me to understand some things. It good for both of us. The relapses I have had went from January to yesterday, and now I feel drained, fried, depressed, lethargic... a lot of negative symptoms. I called in sick on Friday and I haven't found my energy back. This is a nasty relapse that has swept away much.