Semper progrediens, numquam respiciens

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Rengaw, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Semper progrediens man !
     
  2. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks for popping in gentlemen,I appreciate your comments.
    Today I've finished my psychomotor therapy coachings an I have to admit without these meetings I think I would not have made the progress I have done now: I know how to recognise boundaries, I have learned how to express myself when I feel I am blocked, and I can ask for help when I want to go forward.

    We have decided that if I have any further questions I can always get in touch, but at this moment I feel like I am in control and I have the tools to remain in control.
     
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  3. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    November 3rd, 2019

    Lately, I have been having recurring epiphanies on many fronts. NoFap, addiction, profession, nutrition, sociology, family - just to name a few.
    What I sense the cloak of addiction has slipped my head and I can sense clearly 'how life works', because I am more rooted within myself, allowing me to perceive a rebalancing of feeling, doing and thinking. I had a meeting with my coach and we've been going from weekly meetings to bi-weekly meetings. I told her my life feels as if I am in a desolate surrounding, but with opportunities all around. There's no sense of anxiety or danger. I am free and safe to wander.

    Still. today I felt really really positive and now I feel drained. I will continue my writings later this week, because I want to keep myself accountable. Onwards!
     
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  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for posting that video about relapse prevention on September 9th 2019. It's very enlightening. It really shows clearly the way I (gradually) relapse on the long runs. I suspected the best way to beat the addiction is to understand how to not let ourselves get to that point where the addiction is screaming loud for another hit in our mind. So we need to attack it very early on in that process. Kind of like a glass slowly getting filled with water and we need to know the skills to keep that water at a low level. I also like the concept of "kinder garden level self care". It's essential !

    Hope you're doing well sir !
     
  5. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks for stopping by Thelongwayhome27, I'm glad you liked the vid. The fun thing is, there's a lot of similarities between the video and my rehab program; it's synergy at its best.

    I've been okay lately and I feel myself making progress, but this is where new levels of anxiety and unease come creeping in. It feels as if I am finally finding my way out of my addiction and it's just a different crawl. You know... to the end of the tunnel.

    Although I am still suffering from warped and compulsive thoughts, it's getting less and less. I used to suffer from extreme compulsive thoughts which caused high anxiety and correlating suicidal thoughts. This has been going on for maybe 3 or 4 years, and nowadays there's just these flashbacks. It's still annoying and distracting, but not to the extent of a potential relapse.

    Looking at the brighter side, I've picked up running and working out again, I've gathered a lot of furniture, I haven't had a drink/ a drug in about 6 months. I have paid of my debts, I have bought some basic home appliances that needed replacement, I have gotten some ripped cloths fixed.

    My social life has been pretty awesome, I have to admit sometimes it feels too much for me. My balance seems to be improving every day and I am trying to implement a more positive way of think. The transformation towards a 'yes I can' - attitude. I think my attitude was more focused on 'I'd rather not' (so I can watch porn and wank) and blocking myself. These mental blockaades are crumbling one by one and that's both exhausting and exhilarating.

    The good thing is that I am not into self harming activities, the bad thing is that I have no clue what I am doing, as if I am floating somewhere on this earth. No goal, no purpose, no direction - it is all about survival.

    One of the good things is I am not giving in to thoughts or feelings anymore, but sometimes my mind wanders of... it's a mind of it own it seems. As if I have ADD (which I have, due to brain changes occuring form game an porn usage for nearly 2 decades), and it's coming and fading.

    It feels I am learning to see again, but I am not able to focus on a single image. The impulses from what I see drag my eyes from corner to corner, while what I need is a static view to learn to understand what the heck is going on.

    One tool for me to stabilise is working out and breathing exercises. Also, writing stuff down is something I haven't been doing consistently. I think in Thelongwayhome27s journal I found a link to Crappy Childhood Fairy vid that really made me realise there's some more information deep down inside me I need to release. Sometimes it's too much, and I need to break things down, recognise situations as they are and find little factors I can influence.
    As for the focus problem, that's the learning to remain within myself (not get distracted) by practicing habits (working out, writing, rading, mindfulness - all regularly).
    THIS is what focus is about.
     
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  6. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I have to admit, last few days things have been getting easier and easier than I previously would have anticipated. There's a lot of progress in my life and that was causing anxiety from time to time. Mostly because of having meetings with expectations, and in hindsight I don't see any stress occurring. The only stress I experience is of not knowing what to anticipate.

    Now, I am feeling better and better due to many areas in the green and not in red or orange. Those other colors have been part of my life for a long time and now, very slowly, everything seems to be heading for the best. It's not all natural, but a lot of good behaviors seem to becoming a second nature. A proper, autonomous routine. That's what I find essential!
     
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  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear things are progressing well man.

    I can definitely relate to having anxiety about not knowing what to expect exactly.

    Personally, I think I also have depression, at times, because I hope too much or have too many expectations (which can backfire at times, because it leads to difficult emotions). Ideally I should try to progress but let go a bit of the expectations (but it's hard). Or maybe the trick is learning how to process the negative emotions that come from unmet expectations.
    I've also noticed how positive habits are becoming more automatic in my life and gaining they're own momentum (because of repetition and positive reinforcement ; showing the body it's good). This gives me hope. It's a bit like The Slight Edge, it takes time to see the results.

    It's also nice to see how often positive habits breed other positive habits, or how they reinforce one another.
     
  8. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks for popping in thelongwayhome, that´s exactly what I am experiencing very often: setting high standards and creating too many expectations. That's the overthinking, and too little action. There's no fair equilibrium, because addictions creates a giant canyon. Because we doubt the thinking and action taking so much, and we can't really on our gut feeling - we hide in our addiction.

    Thankfully I see myself lowering the bar day by day. There's so many areas that I want to progress in and now I see that's impossible without a decent, simple routine. It's the relapse prevention clip I've shared a few times already that focuses on simple daily essentials: share your feelings, ask for help, eat 3 meals a day, take care of yourself and your environment, and sleep well.
    That's it.

    However, easier said than done. I have gotten complacent and I haven't been seeing the warning signs of relapse. My routine was not built to prevent a relapse, it was designed to remain apathetic and slug. So the small relapse I had last week definitely awakened me. If I want to stay clean forever, I need to up my game and stick to the routine. I also contacted a local SLAA group to become part of the group. I want to have more accountability.
     
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  9. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    My life has made quite a turnaround last week; I have moved back in with my parents and I can honestly say things have been stressful but progressive. I did not feel I was able to rest or to calm down at home and I since about a day or 2 - 3, I am able to pick up things that I want to move forward. I have a working television I use to watch some series, I've finally purchased a new telephone that works a 100% and in a few days I'll be going on a proper holiday.

    Still, the addiction seems to be lingering on and sometimes it snaps back at me. Yesterday I slept terribly and I had a WD; causing me to feel drained, depressed or apathetic. Also, some massive leg cramps occurred. A recipe for disaster, so I downloaded porn and concluded it's all fake and there is no real joy in the scenes. It is fake and superfluous, but I have my programmed my brain to like it. Now, I don't like it anymore. But what do I like?

    Well, watching a satirical show like South Park cracks me up and keeps me energised. I like comedy because of its criticism. I'm grateful for being able to watch the television on my own again. It's been years. Now it's a good way for me to relax again.
     

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