Semper progrediens, numquam respiciens

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Rengaw, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Semper progrediens man !
  2. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks for popping in gentlemen,I appreciate your comments.
    Today I've finished my psychomotor therapy coachings an I have to admit without these meetings I think I would not have made the progress I have done now: I know how to recognise boundaries, I have learned how to express myself when I feel I am blocked, and I can ask for help when I want to go forward.

    We have decided that if I have any further questions I can always get in touch, but at this moment I feel like I am in control and I have the tools to remain in control.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    November 3rd, 2019

    Lately, I have been having recurring epiphanies on many fronts. NoFap, addiction, profession, nutrition, sociology, family - just to name a few.
    What I sense the cloak of addiction has slipped my head and I can sense clearly 'how life works', because I am more rooted within myself, allowing me to perceive a rebalancing of feeling, doing and thinking. I had a meeting with my coach and we've been going from weekly meetings to bi-weekly meetings. I told her my life feels as if I am in a desolate surrounding, but with opportunities all around. There's no sense of anxiety or danger. I am free and safe to wander.

    Still. today I felt really really positive and now I feel drained. I will continue my writings later this week, because I want to keep myself accountable. Onwards!
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for posting that video about relapse prevention on September 9th 2019. It's very enlightening. It really shows clearly the way I (gradually) relapse on the long runs. I suspected the best way to beat the addiction is to understand how to not let ourselves get to that point where the addiction is screaming loud for another hit in our mind. So we need to attack it very early on in that process. Kind of like a glass slowly getting filled with water and we need to know the skills to keep that water at a low level. I also like the concept of "kinder garden level self care". It's essential !

    Hope you're doing well sir !
  5. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks for stopping by Thelongwayhome27, I'm glad you liked the vid. The fun thing is, there's a lot of similarities between the video and my rehab program; it's synergy at its best.

    I've been okay lately and I feel myself making progress, but this is where new levels of anxiety and unease come creeping in. It feels as if I am finally finding my way out of my addiction and it's just a different crawl. You know... to the end of the tunnel.

    Although I am still suffering from warped and compulsive thoughts, it's getting less and less. I used to suffer from extreme compulsive thoughts which caused high anxiety and correlating suicidal thoughts. This has been going on for maybe 3 or 4 years, and nowadays there's just these flashbacks. It's still annoying and distracting, but not to the extent of a potential relapse.

    Looking at the brighter side, I've picked up running and working out again, I've gathered a lot of furniture, I haven't had a drink/ a drug in about 6 months. I have paid of my debts, I have bought some basic home appliances that needed replacement, I have gotten some ripped cloths fixed.

    My social life has been pretty awesome, I have to admit sometimes it feels too much for me. My balance seems to be improving every day and I am trying to implement a more positive way of think. The transformation towards a 'yes I can' - attitude. I think my attitude was more focused on 'I'd rather not' (so I can watch porn and wank) and blocking myself. These mental blockaades are crumbling one by one and that's both exhausting and exhilarating.

    The good thing is that I am not into self harming activities, the bad thing is that I have no clue what I am doing, as if I am floating somewhere on this earth. No goal, no purpose, no direction - it is all about survival.

    One of the good things is I am not giving in to thoughts or feelings anymore, but sometimes my mind wanders of... it's a mind of it own it seems. As if I have ADD (which I have, due to brain changes occuring form game an porn usage for nearly 2 decades), and it's coming and fading.

    It feels I am learning to see again, but I am not able to focus on a single image. The impulses from what I see drag my eyes from corner to corner, while what I need is a static view to learn to understand what the heck is going on.

    One tool for me to stabilise is working out and breathing exercises. Also, writing stuff down is something I haven't been doing consistently. I think in Thelongwayhome27s journal I found a link to Crappy Childhood Fairy vid that really made me realise there's some more information deep down inside me I need to release. Sometimes it's too much, and I need to break things down, recognise situations as they are and find little factors I can influence.
    As for the focus problem, that's the learning to remain within myself (not get distracted) by practicing habits (working out, writing, rading, mindfulness - all regularly).
    THIS is what focus is about.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I have to admit, last few days things have been getting easier and easier than I previously would have anticipated. There's a lot of progress in my life and that was causing anxiety from time to time. Mostly because of having meetings with expectations, and in hindsight I don't see any stress occurring. The only stress I experience is of not knowing what to anticipate.

    Now, I am feeling better and better due to many areas in the green and not in red or orange. Those other colors have been part of my life for a long time and now, very slowly, everything seems to be heading for the best. It's not all natural, but a lot of good behaviors seem to becoming a second nature. A proper, autonomous routine. That's what I find essential!
    Wise Hermit and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear things are progressing well man.

    I can definitely relate to having anxiety about not knowing what to expect exactly.

    Personally, I think I also have depression, at times, because I hope too much or have too many expectations (which can backfire at times, because it leads to difficult emotions). Ideally I should try to progress but let go a bit of the expectations (but it's hard). Or maybe the trick is learning how to process the negative emotions that come from unmet expectations.
    I've also noticed how positive habits are becoming more automatic in my life and gaining they're own momentum (because of repetition and positive reinforcement ; showing the body it's good). This gives me hope. It's a bit like The Slight Edge, it takes time to see the results.

    It's also nice to see how often positive habits breed other positive habits, or how they reinforce one another.
  8. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks for popping in thelongwayhome, that´s exactly what I am experiencing very often: setting high standards and creating too many expectations. That's the overthinking, and too little action. There's no fair equilibrium, because addictions creates a giant canyon. Because we doubt the thinking and action taking so much, and we can't really on our gut feeling - we hide in our addiction.

    Thankfully I see myself lowering the bar day by day. There's so many areas that I want to progress in and now I see that's impossible without a decent, simple routine. It's the relapse prevention clip I've shared a few times already that focuses on simple daily essentials: share your feelings, ask for help, eat 3 meals a day, take care of yourself and your environment, and sleep well.
    That's it.

    However, easier said than done. I have gotten complacent and I haven't been seeing the warning signs of relapse. My routine was not built to prevent a relapse, it was designed to remain apathetic and slug. So the small relapse I had last week definitely awakened me. If I want to stay clean forever, I need to up my game and stick to the routine. I also contacted a local SLAA group to become part of the group. I want to have more accountability.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  9. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    My life has made quite a turnaround last week; I have moved back in with my parents and I can honestly say things have been stressful but progressive. I did not feel I was able to rest or to calm down at home and I since about a day or 2 - 3, I am able to pick up things that I want to move forward. I have a working television I use to watch some series, I've finally purchased a new telephone that works a 100% and in a few days I'll be going on a proper holiday.

    Still, the addiction seems to be lingering on and sometimes it snaps back at me. Yesterday I slept terribly and I had a WD; causing me to feel drained, depressed or apathetic. Also, some massive leg cramps occurred. A recipe for disaster, so I downloaded porn and concluded it's all fake and there is no real joy in the scenes. It is fake and superfluous, but I have my programmed my brain to like it. Now, I don't like it anymore. But what do I like?

    Well, watching a satirical show like South Park cracks me up and keeps me energised. I like comedy because of its criticism. I'm grateful for being able to watch the television on my own again. It's been years. Now it's a good way for me to relax again.
  10. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I'm sitting here in a nice hostel, listening to one of my favourite radio channels scanning these forums.
    It's been a wild ride, getting from a hectic month to a place of total relaxation, from much 'I need to..' to 'I don't have to' and it's been truly a relief.

    I booked the hostel the evening before I flew in, I didn't plan anything and it seems to be working out pretty well now.
    I let go of stressors and I'm looking at myself from a top down perspective. I've found out I was not always interested in what other people were doing and I was more focused on things, habits cultures...which I am starting to recognise. Still it's s lot of work in progress so I truly have no clue what is happening and where I am going to but this journey brings me to places that I feel are good for me

    As for the addiction I have had a WD a few nights ago and that seems to flatten some things out, but that's not too bad. Sensing that I need to slow down to be happy is a virtue now. Also, I share this - letting people know of how I feel is definitely supporting my recovery.
    That's actually what has my entire focus. Recover from my addiction and starting all over again with my life. Get out with the old habits, thoughts and patterns and slowly growing into a new healthy body and lifestyle.
  11. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Last week I have had a week of as I booked a holiday. I did not plan anything except for the flights, the first night stay and a train ticket. I just let it all happen and it worked out pretty well.

    I went hiking, cliff jumping and surfing, I enjoyed some amazing meals one of which I cooked myself.
    I just had so much fun and I felt relaxed. The first day I found it hard to let go of things, I was kinda stressed.

    But soon I felt better, I was able to hang out with people and enjoy what I was doing. Right now I am super happy the way things went; I've managed to rid myself from a lot of anxiety, did some awesome activities and met a bunch of fun people. Heck, I ended up speaking a lot of German and turns out I still got it.

    One of the best experiences was seeing myself wanting to get in touch with an good friend about a subject we would notice in the streets. Instead of talking about that particular subject I decided to let it be. I felt released from the attachment. I choose to be reflective and mindful and let the old habit be something of the past. I want the use the energy I have into something worthwhile for the coming future.

    A future with more travels, more energy and tranquility; activities and chilling. A future with more confidence and a bit more thinking ahead. A future that has room for both positive and negative feelings; one not more or worse than the other. Accepting the balance, and not freaking out when things aren't going to plan.

    I think adding a list of key words is something that will help me both to plan more and also to fuel creativity. For now, I'll look at these 2 points of interests as 2 blurry dots on the horizon.
  12. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Looking back at my previous post my thoughts have been going on and on about crystalising some points on my horizon. First, I have to admit I have been thinking a lot about growing into a new career opportunity. My current job pays the bills well, challenges me a bit - but I know on the long run I will be unhappy. I need to take action to crystalise some goals; studies, sports, work. At this moment I have managed to leave a time behind me filled with stress, uncertainty, doubt - many negatives sentiments. But the days will become longer, there will be more energy available and with my right focus I am sure my life will improve.

    No more bullshit, no more negativity, a routine that helps me to grow towards a better decade. Not another one with porn, booze, drugs, sloth and self-loathing. I want to use the first half of 2020 to get a proper , clean life style that allows me to grow into a much more sane and prosperous life. And the time to reflect on such a life is now, before I move into it.
  13. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Well happy 2020 to all, I hope it's going to be better than it currently is...
    I've been feeling rather anxious about a lot of things, and it feels like I am slipping into a minor depression. Basically, I am fed up with my job and my addiction. The job is not what I expected it to be; higher expectations and lower ethical standards, while my body is still not okay. I've had 5 WDs in December and I already had a WD in 2020. The negative effects are getting less and less, still it is super annoying to suffer these withdrawal symptoms so far in my reboot.
    I went about 6 months no PMO ( from beginning of May to mid November) with the occasional porn peeking. Somehow the small relapse in November along with moving and work caused me to have worsened effects.

    My guts seem to be messed up, I keep belching every morning, my dick hurts and I have sore legs again. Also... doing the basics to keep a neat, tidy life hasn't been working out. Along with the stress from work...
    I think it might be better to work less and focus more on my recovery. Because I have been living with my parents now, I have lower costs and I don't need to work as much.
    Actually I wish I was able to work more hours and be better at what I do but I just can't at the moment.

    I've decided I am going running tonight to feel better. I get a positive rush from running!
  14. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I relapsed yesterday and I must admit it made me more resilient and more determined. I seem to be reaching new layers of mindfulness, which allow me to have a helicopter perspective on my life, even when or right after watching porn.
    Once again I realised porn addiction combines a masturbation addict with a browsing and voyeurism addiction. It's a two -headed dragon and it's essential to NEVER forget you have to chop off one head after the other and keep switching them. None of them should grow too large.

    And that's what happened with mine; I wasn't able to vent my emotions properly and I am in need of female company. That's what I feel about it. A need for intimacy with a lady.

    so I just relapsed and feel really bad about it. Yesterday too. Fucking shit.
  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Relapses suck, there's no sugar coating it. But then again, they have a way of reminding us quite vividly why the old life style isn't an option anymore. And how the new path, towards health, is a much better option, even if it has it's own complications (having to process the emotions, dealing with sadness, facing our problems consciously and trying to find solutions, etc.).

    In my experience we feel quite bad the first 48 hours or so, perhaps up to a week. The priority is to try to manage the chaser. With every clean day in, the next one is easier to put in the bank.
  16. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    hi rengaw, I havent been on for a long time, will try to catch up with your entries. Sorry to hear about your relapse, stay strong!
  17. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hi guys, thanks for checking in. I've been busy a lot, mostly work and getting my home arranged.
    Work has been too much actually, it has caused me to overthink too much and that's caused even more anxiety.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  18. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    This week I had a bit of a turn around. My anxiety on losing my job has diminished greatly because I have been doing well and I was able to let go. My family will support me in the dire situation I would lose my job.
    I have also decreased my amount of work; the coming month I will have 2.5 days off outside the weekend to focus on recovery and find a life path.

    Life vision. Planning and doing . Spending leisure time. Those are things I want to focus on, to let go off my addiction for once and for all.

    I want to distinguish some important area. Primarily my addiction, I want to cut out the root once and for all. I need to read The Slight Edge, the Easyway method and keep reading my treatment plan.

    Those are my 3 main insights in my addiction. But I have also noticed cravings occur more often when I am stressed out, so I need to be vigilant about spending my time wisely. Boredom became a reason to use porn, and eventually it became my primary coping mechanism for basically everything in life.
    Now, porn is still prominent in my life. I relapsed; PMOed twice today. I need to read the Easyway to get on track again, but also doing mantras and self-affirmations really have shown their magic in the past.
    I've lost track of much in the past and at this very moment I getting on track with my porn addiction is number one.

    No working, no working out, not living in a neat place with nice stuff. That's all inferior to me being clean once and for all. Planning, thinking and doing, getting at ease the right way, and having a set plan for leaving behind my addiction.

    I'm not feel sad or negative, my mental state is okay. My body, though, is suffering from the withdrawals right now. Pain, sluggishness, racoon eyes, belching. It's annoying and a clear sign I have been abusing myself again.
  19. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    A new phase arrives

    Last week I've been through a very interesting and diverse phase of my life. I’ve found out that this January I’ve relapsed more often than entire 2019 in total. Considering last weeks relapse was only the 3rd or 4th week of the year, I’ve ‘used up all porn available’ for this year. Contrarily, I ‘can’t look at porn anymore this year’..

    The joking aside, I’ve also touched some deeper wisdom. First, my connection to alcohol has become non- existent. I had 2 glasses of champagne on new years even and immediately noticed a strong surge of energy, particularly in my brain. I noticed a strong ‘go get it!’ sensation, a desire for more alcohol and probably drugs.
    So of course, I had another fanta and some water and nothing sensational happened.

    Because of this separation between energy and substance I can use this mindset to diminish my porn addiction. As such I have taken up reading the Easypeasy method again, which I hadn’t touched in years.

    Another feat is putting the emphasis on recovery again. The last couple of months I was very busy working, and improving my living conditions and ( I have moved) socialising (you know.. December and January are always busy months). Between mid-November and last Saturday I’ve basically planned all weekends with socialising and activities. Turns out I am good at it, I can refrain from drinking and doing stupid shit seemingly indefinitely, but it still caused some stress here and there.
    Two weeks ago I went away for a long weekend and my buddies went drinking and some went drugging. At the end one was interested to go to a strip club. Not my cup of tea, but also a proper test of my resilience. As the designated driver I took everyone along and it turned out the strip club was in fact a brothel, we could not enter without paying up front for sex.

    Ha! Interestingly some of my friends already told me if I did not want to go there due to my addiction we could return straight back ‘home’. Just by talking about the opportunities, the stress reduced very swiftly and I was able to express how I was feeling.

    By doing socialising I found out the inner critic was wrong and I have been feeling a lot more confident. I perceived my anxiety to be a part of self-criticism and also being fuelled by my incapability to take a proper rest and let go. I have learned to take a few steps back and to take a rest when I need to.

    I read an article in the newspaper about transgender women whom were dealing with their coming out: “Due all the tensions we have been living on adrenaline, only now we have found time to process things. I feel down and tired. “

    This is exactly what I have been experiencing; too much adrenaline and too much going on. The stress was a recurring trap for relapse.. but I felt that I couldn’t go on like this. The coming month I have one extra day off of work to build on my plan and to succeed in recovery once and for all.
  20. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Old friends

    Last Wednesday I went to a SLAA meeting and it still feels like the best decision in months. I felt a huge sense of relief and a connect I had not felt in years. I kept postponing and postponing joining the meeting and last week I was able to meet up with a friend and directly go the meeting. Both of the actions felt good and the latter took away various boundaries.

    Also I decided to take up an online study, somewhere March, because I want to grow into a more fertile profession. What I have been doing pays my bills and keeps me off the streets but it is not a durable career path.

    And I also know that I am not keeping track of my recovery sufficiently. I still get urges, cravings and triggers that distract me. The distractions are getting less and less, but if I fail to recognise them a minor distraction could lead to a relapse. That's something I need to keep my focus on.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.

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