Semper progrediens, numquam respiciens

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Rengaw, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I wasn't really able to log my thought the way I wanted so here's round number 2.

    So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again. For future moments of despair I have repeated this a few times to make sure so I do the right thing .

    At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.

    However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!
     
  2. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I have decided to move to RebootNation. These forums seem to be desolate and right now I need to team up with others to finally leave behind this addiction. Maybe you can check out my journey. You're welcome to visit me on http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=12856.0
     
  3. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Well RebootNation seems to be similarly desolate as YBR. So I am doubling it : both posting here and on RN.

    Voila :


    Well, I have actually been moving to a new era. I haven't been looking at porn for 2 weeks now, but the best improvement is not having PMO'ed in - 8 weeks(okay, minus 1 day).
    It's been with ups and downs but in general the trend is upward. I have more energy, a bit of libido here and there but strange enough no cravings or urges- which is berating.
    I have stopped taking my muscle relaxant medication and have managed to get better sleep overall; so I am focusing to stop using my sleeping medication any time soon.
    What contributes to this feeling of well-being

    Reason for me being able to use the meds is that I have picked up callisthenics again; I have done several workouts last week - this week I've fallen ill and I wasn't fit to work out. I've been cycling a lot tho, making sure I don't become too sedentary. I think the mindset of physical activity is also why I was able to drop meds. Still- my work out routine is nothing compared to how it was in 2017 - but I am getting somewhere. I feel better in general, but sometimes the cravings still emerge.

    The cravings I have are more focused on masturbation than on watching porn and I have the weird habit to undress myself during sleep. I can't really understand why, but I think it's my cultivated desire to masturbate. I need to make some rearrangements on my sleeping because keeping the situation as it is, will make make me more vulnerable for a relapse.

    Also, I have sent a text message to a young woman I secretly have had a crush on. We met through Tinder and I was silent for about 10 months (1!) I sent here a random Hi! and we have been texting for about a week now. She used to live in my street but now I live a different country. Still - digital communication has been doing a marvellous job. It is weird yet extremely gratifying to feel able to text her and make things click.

    As for other areas in my life; mostly my living conditions could improve; my sleeping room is a big fucking mess and I have been unemployed or about 4 months. I am on welfare and that has ended already. These are the 2 areas I need to focus on.


    Adding a note - my own reply- I picked up from Reborn16s topic:

    Thanks on your update Reborn16. I actually see some similarities that I experience.

    - being remote of your own principles: being mindlessly online, eating junk food before going to bed
    - procrastinating from goals: not taking care of my room, half ass-ing chores

    Imma gonna keep an eye on these bad habits and make them fade away.
     
  4. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Things have been going okay the last few days: - I dropped all of my medications. I am not using my pills to come through the day or go to sleep at night. I am happy.
    The weird thing is I haven't had a wet dream in ages, while 'normally' I would have one very 10-13 nights. My T-levels come to a high in this cycle and I keep track of it. But since about 2 or 3 months I have been WD free. Still, I dream of sex... with women I have met.

    Right now, while typing I noticed an epiphany; the thoughts and dreams I have are about women I have slept with and not so much the porn I viewed. Still, now and then a flash of porn but it is fading because I have not been watching porn for a long time. Or at least - to my standards, and particularly the quantity has plummeted: I have watched porn on 2 days in 6 weeks.
    Within a week I will be porn free for a month.

    I am truly grateful for the reward I can reap: I am much more clear minded, my physique has improved and my will to achieve is getting higher and higher. Ordinary things; keeping my place tidy, cooking and eating well, getting a good rest at night etc., have gotten easier to do. There is still room for improvement and and I am exploring every square inch to grow.
    I have reacquired the zest for life.
     
  5. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    It's been a while, and things have been getting better - tho not easy.
    I've gotten unemployed and it's annoying to be focusing on finding the right job - I want to progress, and having no job means a stand -still. It causes me a deal of stress, that already got me looking for porn.

    So, getting a job is essential again - but combatting the stress is necessary too. Sleep is vital.
    I have found an article a few months ago, that now I have found time to focus on.

    The article covers the turbo- sleep method, which has elements that relate to the PIT- sleep routine. This might ring a bell because the PIT- sleep routine has been discussed many times on these forums.

    The turbo sleep method is the following:
    1. Relax any muscle in your face: starting from your eyes, to your cheeks, tongue and finally your jaw.
    2. Have your shoulders rest as low as possible. Make sure to ease your muscles from your upper arm to your lower arm on the right side. Repeat on the left side, massaging, stretching your arms.
    3.Relax your chest. Breath in and out, 15 times.
    4. Relax your legs. Start from thighs and move downward to your feet and toes.
    5.Visualise your perfect place to sleep. And there's a soothing scenarios to think of. First, you're laying in a canoe , on a flat water surface - there's a blue sky and not a single cloud to be seen.
    Second, you're in a velvet hammock in a pitch black environment and there's not single sound to be heard.
    Finally, say to yourself - in your head - 'I am not thinking, I am not thinking' and keep track of your breathing just you did at step 3.


    I just wanted to share these insights with you, this is a step of T - trigger.
    I am going to make it part of my routine and I hope you benefit as well.

    Cheers


    Rw
     
  6. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Need to add I am still in a struggle for porn and I watched some last night. Same mistake I made last time - have my phone with me in bed.
    So that's 4 days that have been going up and down and down and up with porn, cravings, 'the itch' and what not.

    Now, I have realised I need to set up a plan again for the coming weeks to prevent another relapse from happening. Look back at the elements that are involved - and all those elements are on this topic actually.
     
  7. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

  8. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Well shucks, I haven't taken the action as I stated in the previous post. Right now I am feeling really low and lethargic. I'm having a hard time setting goals and getting them.

    I just saw a model I used to fap to by accident on my laptop and my brain is completly dysfunctional. My body is tensed and my muscles spasm. Huge withdrawals and it's a drag, it truly is. I am very uncomfortable with myself now.

    The cause lies somewhere in not taking the right actions and ultimately relapsing. The relapse was PMOing, Friday night and last night I had a WD - huge set back all together, yet I feel better than I did several months ago.
    I think this is due to my second treatment at a rehab facility. Genuinely beneficial feedback has made me open my eyes again, not just about my porn addiction but addiction in general. I drink too much alcohol for my body - I feel mentally weak after drinking, it's weird.

    I stopped drinking alcohol again, with use of the book Stop Drinking Now, by Allen Carr. He has various surprising insights on how alcohol works and the way society looks at alcohol.
    I've stopped drinking alcohol various times and at this moment the book gives me the courage to go further than I've gone before.
    Moreover the book looks at addiction in other ways than other organisations and this helps me with battling porn addiction too.
    Besides porn and alcohol I see browsing the internet has been a problem too, leaving me distracted and indifferent.

    I feel the need to dive into my previous posts to find the tools to battle relapse and to have a daily structure. This reboot & rehab routine should enable me to find a job soon and with confidence.

    The morning routine consists of first off- making the bed, reading morning auto-suggestions, repeat the wish and action list, shower with a cold finish, get dressed and ready and do one chore before having breakfast.
    After breakfast I allow myself to have a bit of contact on WhatsApp and Messenger - then devices will be muted for quite some time. Focus requires no distraction whatsoever.

    For now, reading up on myself and getting that routine is very important. And keeping up the job hunt
     
  9. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Keep up the job hunt. It's always disheartening so do what you have to to keep yourself motivated.

    Cool idea for the sleep routine.

    And yeah. I've pretty much stopped drinking for the most part. Probably given up 95% of how I used to drink before. I just decided to look at what alcohol really is, non-nutritious toxic substance that people drink to put themselves in an abnormal enough state of mind to overcome their fears of becoming vulnerable with others and the insecurities that act as resistance to being our true selves. That doesn't mean that I am that, but why pretend when I can at least be something real. The taste is good though, hence the 5%.
     
  10. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks for stepping by yoc, I am indeed planning to make the best of my current situation and grow into a better one. I haven't been around for a few months and I got to admit things have changed.
    As I mentioned in my post of May 7th, there has been a few surprises. Last night I had a drink, unknowingly. I thought I poured myself a nice cold cola - and it turned out to be mixed with rum. After one big chug I stopped drinking and I poured everything down the drain, and I did not feel an urge to drink.
    Two days ago I was watching a movie and I had a very (un) pleasant surprise. One of my favorite adult entertainment models was playing in a movie and she did what she's good at. I got aroused for a minute or two but very swiftly the arousal faded and I watched the movie 'till the end. I did not get triggered, I did not act out.

    My therapy has intensified and I have realised I have developed a somatic coping mechanism. This means that when I experience 'mental ' stress I will endure physical symptoms. Similar to a child having belly aches when (s)he experiences something the is perceived bad. This is a huge eye opener as I now see where my stress is coming from. I had no clue why I was feeling the sensations in my body.

    As for the job hunt - I have a simple job that for now is okay, it pays the bills and the debts. It allows me to connect with myself and also with other human beings. Right now, I sense that being bound to a laptop or telephone for so often and so long really got me. It has altered my brain and some intestines. It's the brain changes Gary Wilson talks and writes about. Now, I am resensitising and it's weird, interesting and even haunting sometimes. Also it gives me energy at random moments, or sometimes drains me vigorously.

    What matters the coming weeks is finalising a game plan/ life plan/ vision/ treatment plan and keeping my job. These are the essentials I want to achieve. Other areas in life, such as health and socialising are very much okay.
     
  11. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Seeing what I have posted a few weeks ago I think I am doing okay. There has been some developments on the life/game plan. I have decided to focus on paying off my debts and finding a proper job asap. What I have right now helps me to bind back to real life, yet it is far from what I want. It pays the bills and the debts but there is no future for me. What matters now is to keep grinding and add a better life balance. I need to get myself more orientated on a routine for self care.

    My self care has been really low due to my low energy, low libido... you know - PAWS. There is no point in stating I don't like it, but I know this current situation of very low self care is not suitable for a future life.
    Hence, on the short term I want to implement more self care to have a solid human life style. For the longer run. Right now.. my life style allows me to survive, barely. I work, I cook, I interact, I exercise. That´s basically it and it lacks the I maintain.

    Moreover I am living with my brother and he is full of attachments, he is the embodiment of clinging. He has constructed an image of self worth based on many of his possessions. In other words, without those possessions he does not like what he sees.
    He is the total opposite of what I am and frankly neither of us is right. I need to step up and implement said self care.

    This is rather eye opening to say the least and it connects well to what is part of my rehab therapy. Basically your situation can be reflected by a traffic light, and my situation has been orange for several months now. Could have been worse, but there is certainly room for improvement.
    The link between my current state and future growth, from an orange light to a green one, is adding a self are routine.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2019

Share This Page