Semper progrediens, numquam respiciens

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Rengaw, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I wasn't really able to log my thought the way I wanted so here's round number 2.

    So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again. For future moments of despair I have repeated this a few times to make sure so I do the right thing .

    At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.

    However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!
     
  2. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I have decided to move to RebootNation. These forums seem to be desolate and right now I need to team up with others to finally leave behind this addiction. Maybe you can check out my journey. You're welcome to visit me on http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=12856.0
     
  3. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Well RebootNation seems to be similarly desolate as YBR. So I am doubling it : both posting here and on RN.

    Voila :


    Well, I have actually been moving to a new era. I haven't been looking at porn for 2 weeks now, but the best improvement is not having PMO'ed in - 8 weeks(okay, minus 1 day).
    It's been with ups and downs but in general the trend is upward. I have more energy, a bit of libido here and there but strange enough no cravings or urges- which is berating.
    I have stopped taking my muscle relaxant medication and have managed to get better sleep overall; so I am focusing to stop using my sleeping medication any time soon.
    What contributes to this feeling of well-being

    Reason for me being able to use the meds is that I have picked up callisthenics again; I have done several workouts last week - this week I've fallen ill and I wasn't fit to work out. I've been cycling a lot tho, making sure I don't become too sedentary. I think the mindset of physical activity is also why I was able to drop meds. Still- my work out routine is nothing compared to how it was in 2017 - but I am getting somewhere. I feel better in general, but sometimes the cravings still emerge.

    The cravings I have are more focused on masturbation than on watching porn and I have the weird habit to undress myself during sleep. I can't really understand why, but I think it's my cultivated desire to masturbate. I need to make some rearrangements on my sleeping because keeping the situation as it is, will make make me more vulnerable for a relapse.

    Also, I have sent a text message to a young woman I secretly have had a crush on. We met through Tinder and I was silent for about 10 months (1!) I sent here a random Hi! and we have been texting for about a week now. She used to live in my street but now I live a different country. Still - digital communication has been doing a marvellous job. It is weird yet extremely gratifying to feel able to text her and make things click.

    As for other areas in my life; mostly my living conditions could improve; my sleeping room is a big fucking mess and I have been unemployed or about 4 months. I am on welfare and that has ended already. These are the 2 areas I need to focus on.


    Adding a note - my own reply- I picked up from Reborn16s topic:

    Thanks on your update Reborn16. I actually see some similarities that I experience.

    - being remote of your own principles: being mindlessly online, eating junk food before going to bed
    - procrastinating from goals: not taking care of my room, half ass-ing chores

    Imma gonna keep an eye on these bad habits and make them fade away.
     
  4. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Things have been going okay the last few days: - I dropped all of my medications. I am not using my pills to come through the day or go to sleep at night. I am happy.
    The weird thing is I haven't had a wet dream in ages, while 'normally' I would have one very 10-13 nights. My T-levels come to a high in this cycle and I keep track of it. But since about 2 or 3 months I have been WD free. Still, I dream of sex... with women I have met.

    Right now, while typing I noticed an epiphany; the thoughts and dreams I have are about women I have slept with and not so much the porn I viewed. Still, now and then a flash of porn but it is fading because I have not been watching porn for a long time. Or at least - to my standards, and particularly the quantity has plummeted: I have watched porn on 2 days in 6 weeks.
    Within a week I will be porn free for a month.

    I am truly grateful for the reward I can reap: I am much more clear minded, my physique has improved and my will to achieve is getting higher and higher. Ordinary things; keeping my place tidy, cooking and eating well, getting a good rest at night etc., have gotten easier to do. There is still room for improvement and and I am exploring every square inch to grow.
    I have reacquired the zest for life.
     
  5. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    It's been a while, and things have been getting better - tho not easy.
    I've gotten unemployed and it's annoying to be focusing on finding the right job - I want to progress, and having no job means a stand -still. It causes me a deal of stress, that already got me looking for porn.

    So, getting a job is essential again - but combatting the stress is necessary too. Sleep is vital.
    I have found an article a few months ago, that now I have found time to focus on.

    The article covers the turbo- sleep method, which has elements that relate to the PIT- sleep routine. This might ring a bell because the PIT- sleep routine has been discussed many times on these forums.

    The turbo sleep method is the following:
    1. Relax any muscle in your face: starting from your eyes, to your cheeks, tongue and finally your jaw.
    2. Have your shoulders rest as low as possible. Make sure to ease your muscles from your upper arm to your lower arm on the right side. Repeat on the left side, massaging, stretching your arms.
    3.Relax your chest. Breath in and out, 15 times.
    4. Relax your legs. Start from thighs and move downward to your feet and toes.
    5.Visualise your perfect place to sleep. And there's a soothing scenarios to think of. First, you're laying in a canoe , on a flat water surface - there's a blue sky and not a single cloud to be seen.
    Second, you're in a velvet hammock in a pitch black environment and there's not single sound to be heard.
    Finally, say to yourself - in your head - 'I am not thinking, I am not thinking' and keep track of your breathing just you did at step 3.


    I just wanted to share these insights with you, this is a step of T - trigger.
    I am going to make it part of my routine and I hope you benefit as well.

    Cheers


    Rw
     
  6. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Need to add I am still in a struggle for porn and I watched some last night. Same mistake I made last time - have my phone with me in bed.
    So that's 4 days that have been going up and down and down and up with porn, cravings, 'the itch' and what not.

    Now, I have realised I need to set up a plan again for the coming weeks to prevent another relapse from happening. Look back at the elements that are involved - and all those elements are on this topic actually.
     
  7. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

  8. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Well shucks, I haven't taken the action as I stated in the previous post. Right now I am feeling really low and lethargic. I'm having a hard time setting goals and getting them.

    I just saw a model I used to fap to by accident on my laptop and my brain is completly dysfunctional. My body is tensed and my muscles spasm. Huge withdrawals and it's a drag, it truly is. I am very uncomfortable with myself now.

    The cause lies somewhere in not taking the right actions and ultimately relapsing. The relapse was PMOing, Friday night and last night I had a WD - huge set back all together, yet I feel better than I did several months ago.
    I think this is due to my second treatment at a rehab facility. Genuinely beneficial feedback has made me open my eyes again, not just about my porn addiction but addiction in general. I drink too much alcohol for my body - I feel mentally weak after drinking, it's weird.

    I stopped drinking alcohol again, with use of the book Stop Drinking Now, by Allen Carr. He has various surprising insights on how alcohol works and the way society looks at alcohol.
    I've stopped drinking alcohol various times and at this moment the book gives me the courage to go further than I've gone before.
    Moreover the book looks at addiction in other ways than other organisations and this helps me with battling porn addiction too.
    Besides porn and alcohol I see browsing the internet has been a problem too, leaving me distracted and indifferent.

    I feel the need to dive into my previous posts to find the tools to battle relapse and to have a daily structure. This reboot & rehab routine should enable me to find a job soon and with confidence.

    The morning routine consists of first off- making the bed, reading morning auto-suggestions, repeat the wish and action list, shower with a cold finish, get dressed and ready and do one chore before having breakfast.
    After breakfast I allow myself to have a bit of contact on WhatsApp and Messenger - then devices will be muted for quite some time. Focus requires no distraction whatsoever.

    For now, reading up on myself and getting that routine is very important. And keeping up the job hunt
     
  9. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Keep up the job hunt. It's always disheartening so do what you have to to keep yourself motivated.

    Cool idea for the sleep routine.

    And yeah. I've pretty much stopped drinking for the most part. Probably given up 95% of how I used to drink before. I just decided to look at what alcohol really is, non-nutritious toxic substance that people drink to put themselves in an abnormal enough state of mind to overcome their fears of becoming vulnerable with others and the insecurities that act as resistance to being our true selves. That doesn't mean that I am that, but why pretend when I can at least be something real. The taste is good though, hence the 5%.
     
  10. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks for stepping by yoc, I am indeed planning to make the best of my current situation and grow into a better one. I haven't been around for a few months and I got to admit things have changed.
    As I mentioned in my post of May 7th, there has been a few surprises. Last night I had a drink, unknowingly. I thought I poured myself a nice cold cola - and it turned out to be mixed with rum. After one big chug I stopped drinking and I poured everything down the drain, and I did not feel an urge to drink.
    Two days ago I was watching a movie and I had a very (un) pleasant surprise. One of my favorite adult entertainment models was playing in a movie and she did what she's good at. I got aroused for a minute or two but very swiftly the arousal faded and I watched the movie 'till the end. I did not get triggered, I did not act out.

    My therapy has intensified and I have realised I have developed a somatic coping mechanism. This means that when I experience 'mental ' stress I will endure physical symptoms. Similar to a child having belly aches when (s)he experiences something the is perceived bad. This is a huge eye opener as I now see where my stress is coming from. I had no clue why I was feeling the sensations in my body.

    As for the job hunt - I have a simple job that for now is okay, it pays the bills and the debts. It allows me to connect with myself and also with other human beings. Right now, I sense that being bound to a laptop or telephone for so often and so long really got me. It has altered my brain and some intestines. It's the brain changes Gary Wilson talks and writes about. Now, I am resensitising and it's weird, interesting and even haunting sometimes. Also it gives me energy at random moments, or sometimes drains me vigorously.

    What matters the coming weeks is finalising a game plan/ life plan/ vision/ treatment plan and keeping my job. These are the essentials I want to achieve. Other areas in life, such as health and socialising are very much okay.
     
  11. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Seeing what I have posted a few weeks ago I think I am doing okay. There has been some developments on the life/game plan. I have decided to focus on paying off my debts and finding a proper job asap. What I have right now helps me to bind back to real life, yet it is far from what I want. It pays the bills and the debts but there is no future for me. What matters now is to keep grinding and add a better life balance. I need to get myself more orientated on a routine for self care.

    My self care has been really low due to my low energy, low libido... you know - PAWS. There is no point in stating I don't like it, but I know this current situation of very low self care is not suitable for a future life.
    Hence, on the short term I want to implement more self care to have a solid human life style. For the longer run. Right now.. my life style allows me to survive, barely. I work, I cook, I interact, I exercise. That´s basically it and it lacks the I maintain.

    Moreover I am living with my brother and he is full of attachments, he is the embodiment of clinging. He has constructed an image of self worth based on many of his possessions. In other words, without those possessions he does not like what he sees.
    He is the total opposite of what I am and frankly neither of us is right. I need to step up and implement said self care.

    This is rather eye opening to say the least and it connects well to what is part of my rehab therapy. Basically your situation can be reflected by a traffic light, and my situation has been orange for several months now. Could have been worse, but there is certainly room for improvement.
    The link between my current state and future growth, from an orange light to a green one, is adding a self are routine.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2019
  12. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Well, I have been going to therapy regularly now and these actions have been paying of. I am feeling more grounded, more tranquil and a lot more mindful.
    My body is still in withdrawal, recovery, and because so - my mind is still not at its peak. I am now in a position I am able to look forward, more than I need to look backward.

    I am confident I can realise my goals. one by one. Last week I have found out my social life has been very, very warm and I need to cool of a bit. Now I can focus on getting my professional and financial situation at a desirable level.
    The job hunt continues, my body and mind are looking for a new challenge and all I can think of is WHEN, not even HOW. I have been in a job finding situation various times already, yet not with this mental clarity. Why now?
    NOW I have gathered new insights from reading the EASYWAY hack book, some clips that I have seen over and over again and of course, the therapy I started about half a year ago.

    I have finally found essential pieces of the puzzle and sooner or later new pieces will come on my path to complete it. Maybe. I am in a mindset of growth and perhaps the pieces keep coming and a second puzzle will be put together. Future will tell, and I am confident about the future.
     
  13. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Last week I lost my job, unfortunately. Actually I am not very bothered and I have felt better because of it; both getting and losing the job.
    The job was manual labor, no degree whatsoever required. It was great for me to get structure again, to focus on something other than recovery - and reconnect to what is essential in life: being around other people, being productive and getting a life of structure again. I also was able to pay off all my debts, but also have some money to go out and about and enjoy life.

    But the job was boring, dirty, 'flexible' and not nearby(relatively). It was noisy, repetitive, dangerous and mind numbing. A year ago I would not have thought I would sign up for something like this. But hey, times and situations change. Overall, I don't look back with a grudge. The people who worked there helped me a lot and I had a good amount of laughs.

    Simultaneously I was able to work on my recovery - going to therapy twice a week and learning so much about myself and life in general. It was both daunting and stimulating to work on my problems, learning about thought- feeling-action. These 3 principles have a natural balance, while in my case addiction deteriorated the sense of feeling. Feeling was non-existent and when I felt, my initial thought was to take action - to PMO.
    Therapy has allowed my to recognize this as a trigger. Basically, it is a slippery slope from emotional relapse to physical relapse ( this clip is perfectly explains the steps).

    In my case, I was living in a mental relapse loop - so physical relapse was part of 'my ' habit. So I changed my mentality and with that recognized my emotions, or feelings.
    Now I can see my feelings, and not directly numb them.

    In essence, the therapy, the information on this forum such as the hackbook and the Slight Edge, personal findings and my devotion enable me to once and for all leave this addiction behind.
    Currently I am focusing on planning and doing more thoughtful, keeping track of my activities and "doing the stuff I have learned in kindergarten". Eat 3 meals a day, take care of myself and my surroundings, get a good night of sleep, express my feelings and ask for help.

    Taking care of myself means doing 'the dull chores', i.e. dishes, washing my clothes and cleaning the house and my room(particularly my room!), but also working out and running, or taking some time off to read a book or socialise.

    Yet at this very moment, my primary goal is to get a job that matches my personality and keep track of the "kindergarten" essentials and make sure I don't get in the emotional relapse situation.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  14. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I am really grateful I wrote about the 'relapse loop', because lately I have been feeling I am breaking away from that loop and into unknown territories. My roller coaster life seemed to have become much more tranquil but the stressed out feelings of the last few months are now... simmering down.
    I became unemployed and before I knew it I was being invited for a meeting with a job agency, about a job I liked. It went well, and then I was invited by the company to go to a job interview. Last week started my training and this week I had my first real working days. I didn't even have the time to be unemployed ;)

    But at work (on of my supervisor's) seemed to sense my stress and he told me "You think too much, just take it easy. Do as I tell you and it's gonna be alright". And that is what I want to do. Do the steps of my work, do the things of my recovery and just be alright. And that is what I am gonna do for the coming weeks. I like my job, I like my colleagues, and I would like to keep things the way they are now.
     
  15. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    These past weeks have been very, very moving and pretty much everything in the right direction.
    I seem to be doing well at work, my anxiety seems to have faded and my confidence is restoring. This is a non-linear process though, similar to recovery. I had a meeting this week with a supervisor, and he seems to be my direct boss. I think we will get along fine and he gave some feedback. It's constructive and I feel at ease now, thinking of work.

    However.... about a month ago I had a very different job and my performance was sub-par. I got laid of and I could not imagine being in the position I am right now. On the area of porn, I had one minor setback (I browsed porn a week ago) but I had many minor improvements in other areas; talking with friends, therapy that gives me insights, last Wednesday I had a video 'date' with a lady I met years ago through Tinder. And last but not least: I paid off my debts (somewhere of €2.000), meaning I have at least €100 at my disposal, each month. This is a burden that has finally gone.

    Take care ladies and gentlemen, stay off the porn!
     
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Congrats on having payed off the debts ! That can be a massive weight off one's shoulders. Modern society programs us to set the mark for success very high up, which backfires for most. I think living debt free and being able to sustain oneself financially as an adult, in this demanding and complex world, is already a hell of a good achievement. Sounds to me like you're putting yourself in this position. Keep up the good work and thank you for having encouraged me as well !
     
    Rengaw likes this.
  17. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hey thanks for stopping by! Yeah, societies teach us amen and thank you but, many essential competencies are not always covered.
    Yesterday I was with my family and I've shared much on my therapy and particularly that I am learning to stand up for myself.

    I was someone that was not always doing what is demanded, but looking outside the box without living up to the expectations.
    Now I've learned to focus on these expectations whether I like it or not. Addiction made me think general expectations did not apply to me...
    But now I know boring and complex issues are part of society.
    And I am living to achieve them.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  18. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    There's a lot going on, particularly recovery,work and about my living conditions.
    I've found that I am getting very weird, sensations in my penis. Sometimes I feel as if I have a flacid penis, and the other day I noticed some semen in my underwear. Other days, it feels like I got stung in my penis and... it's just very uncomfortable.
    My mood is also swinging, having ups and downs, waves of despair but also confidence from time to time. My addiction still cripples me, although I haven't PMOd in 5 months and I am seeing porn about once a month-ish. I am confident the longer I will go the longer I will go without P.
    Yet, I still have some insomnia, various warped thoughts and other withdrawals. My legs hurt, my brain fog sometimes kicks in and I have a general feeling of apathy and slackness. Au contraire, I have been doing the essentials to keep on track: share my feelings, do chores, eat well and sleep well(trying at least).

    Actually, while typing this the weird sensation in my penis came back and it's very, very uncomfortable.

    Looking at my current job, I still have massive amounts of self doubt and I can't seem to let go of my stress and anxiety. As mentioned my boss picked up on this and calmed me down. Still, I am not at ease at work. Because of my performance anxiety. I had a talk with my parents yesterday and they told me to have more faith, because what I am doing is good. Now I think of their comments, I do get more self- esteem.

    As for my living conditions; I can't seem to get my rest. I live with my brother and he can be very gloomy, frustrated and incapable of letting things go. He is very clingy and attached, which I am not at all. We are opposites, both with our mental issues, but he does not take in account my behaviours and feelings. He is very self centered and well... it's hard to live with him.
    We decided that I should look for another place before 1st of January, yet he has demanded that I speed up the process.

    So... stress at work, stress at home. Stress from recovery. You might notice there's quite the amount of stress going on. I think that would be the case if I would not have joined rehab and started working out. These 2 feats have truly made me stronger and better. Yesterday I did my calistenics routine, 3 laps, and felt drained and strong. That's the benefit of working out.

    As for now... my head is exploding and I need to focus on work. I have a short day, then I have my weekend. I need to study a bit before work and then I need to get rest. Lots of rest.
     
  19. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I have taken the time to reassess some of my recent posts, as I feel I am on a cross roads in life. An abyss between addiction and a phase of growth. Or to stay humble ; a way towards normal life. The tensed feelings I've been having are fading away and basically, I have the opportunity to become a genuine, authentic and active member of society. Something I haven't been for years.

    I still think a lot, maybe too much, but I've been more in touch with my feelings. It's a quest into the unknown, because I have been detached from allowing my feelings for... maybe decades?
    I used to cope with bad feelings by gaming obsessively; I was 13 or 14 back then. I mean come on.. kids love to play games and I think my parents weren't sensing or weren't aware of what I was going through as a teenager, and neither did I. However, I took the wrong path and I am 30, learning what the heck feelings are. What emotions are.

    My situation has become better and better, but the feeling... the feeling is still stuck somewhere a few years back. Lack of confidence, warped thoughts - my body. mind and heart are at a very different frequency and it's a fucking snake pit sometimes. I feel my body does not belong to me, I don't feel comfortable being me. I have been getting better, feeling better and thinking clearer.. but still. My life is full of question marks and the doubt is taking me down.

    Sometimes, my mind wanders of into weird fantasies or memories, porn cravings and escapism. Many occasions I can snap out of the thoughts but sometimes I get stuck... and later on.. negative thoughts about self harm and suicide pop up. I don't engage in the thoughts, yet it drains me and causes total apathy.

    What I sense is my lack of planning causes me to wander in the wrong direction. Back to my addiction. Back to my comfort zone, back to slowly killing myself.

    This is where my therapy and some of the forums' insights come into play - take the actions that make me think right and make me feel right. Do the actions again to grow.

    The link is positivity and planning - something that has been outlined in The Slight Edge. My therapy is also based on simple actions, simple thoughts and most importantly allowing feelings. I have also misunderstood the sense of touch - feeling - to be feeling from which emotions stem. Was I wrong.

    Recently my therapy has taken off with allowing feelings and taking time to reflect on them. Not just mindful, more so heartfully. It is a challenge but it has been lifting my burden - that is what I know. But what I feel... that's an emptiness I can't describe but which I can sense meticulously .

    And part of that sensing is how weird my body is behaving right now. My penis feels like it is falling off, my eyes are burning and my mind is clogged. The good old withdrawal symptoms but the weird pain in my penis/groin is something I haven't encountered in a long time.

    To add- I still am not getting the rest I want. I feel I am stuck in a storm out in a great wide ocean and wave after wave is pounding on my head. I barely have time to gasp for air, before being submerged again. Somehow, everyday I manage to get to an island and survive, yet the island seems to be succumbed to the swells of the ocean. This is what my addiction feels like. A constant quest to stay afloat or to find a place to survive - but never to find a place to live.

    And I am okay with that. Because at the end of the day I haven't fallen back, I have made a mere centimeter progress... which is forward and not backward.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2019
    Thelongwayhome27 and Wise Hermit like this.
  20. Wise Hermit

    Wise Hermit New Member

    The main part. There's a huge difference between having problems and being aware of the problems you have. Keep doing it. It gets so much better.
     

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