Semper progrediens, numquam respiciens

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Rengaw, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    It's been quite a long time since replying and things have changed a lot. Most importantly my amount of sex: I've had a lot of sex these 4 months, with one girl in particular. We we're friends with benefits but we also supported each other, as a coach would do. It was very unique on the way I have never experienced something like this. She knew about my addiction and I knew about her flaws. So we kept track of my performance between the sheets and boy it got better. I also found out I am kind of a macho, big mouth in bed - which is ironic because I have a porn addiction. She gave me a lot of information on how to improve and that has been super valuable to me.

    However, there were also some negatives and I made some drastic actions. I lost track of my noPMO journey and now I'm on a slippery slope down to the addiction again. It's a pity but that's why I'm posting right here, right now.
    I am responsible for my own actions and they haven't been on par lately. O need to be more accountable and thoughtful.
    Hence.. I'm back my men. I need to rid this addiction. Im hitting 30 in a year and it would be great to experience that era 1000% pron free!
     
  2. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Things have been pretty rough, I've been living with family again and we're not quite the same on many levels. This means I've gotten frustrated a lot - and I've PMOd several times.
    I am not feeling good about it, at all. I feel addicted again, I have intrusive and warped thoughts again.
    But this is not the first time, but I'm keen on making this for real the last time. The last time relapsing, it has already happened. I am getting too old to use porn. I'm getting tired of falling and getting back up.

    I am going to pick myself up and get clean, indefinitely. I would like you rely on you fellow warriors to help me get through this final barrier. On my way to a porn-free 29 and 30s.

    Take care.
     
  3. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Things have been pretty rough, I've been living with family again and we're not quite the same on many levels. This means I've gotten frustrated a lot - and I've PMOd several times.
    I am not feeling good about it, at all. I feel addicted again, I have intrusive and warped thoughts again.
    But this is not the first time, but I'm keen on making this for real the last time. The last time relapsing, it has already happened. I am getting too old to use porn. I'm getting tired of falling and getting back up.

    I am going to pick myself up and get clean, indefinitely. I would like you rely on you fellow warriors to help me get through this final barrier. On my way to a porn-free 29 and 30s.

    Take care.
     
  4. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Hi mate,

    I still check in with your journal every once in a while - it doesn't sound like you're doing too bad. How often have you PMO'd in the last few months?

    I can relate to that idea of wanting to finish this business at or around the 30 year mark. But it really is just a number - what if you were to completely let go of porn at 31 years of age? No big deal either - I think for us who have been at this for a long time, we always need to remind ourselves how far we have come (without becoming complacent, obviously). This year I've watched porn about 2-3 times a month, which is still too much for my liking but it's a lot less than when I first heard of no fap/YBOP!

    I can also relate to your living situation. Can you think of something you could do or ways you could react differently when you are frustrated, instead of watching porn? There will always be frustrating moments, but a really good outcome would be to never resort back to porn in those situations, but trying to deal with it in a different way. Easier said than done though ;)
     
  5. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hi there rabbit.

    Thanks for checking in. I've relapsed again today, but I've learned that every relapse, a step back wards, forces me to reflect on my actions. Thus, I am now getting back to journaling.
    Just a summary for all of us: I've moved abroad last year - exactly a year ago to this date. During this time I've lived in a roaring, vibrant part of Lisbon, with a lot going on in my house but also the environment. A neighbourhood that would never sleep, and also working at a company that would appreciate you. Thankfully, actually rather soon - after 3 weeks - I met a lovely lady at a club, while see was seeing someone else. They broke up, she came by for a visit 2 months later and I had the first sex in 2 years!

    Alas, because my root has been so focused on porn and fapping, during this post and one in rabbits topic I have relapsed. It's time for me to focus on asphyxiating my addiction.Falling. Also focusing on growing a proper routine and a clean life - no drinking and drugging any more. That's pretty much it. A daily routine, a weekly routine, and setting challenges - goals - every month.
     
  6. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    That's great to hear Rengaw. Now to stick to your plan.
     
  7. Richard117

    Richard117 New Member

    Exactly man, it's about creating the new and leaving the old behind.

    Good luck!
     
  8. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks Richard!

    As part of creating the new I have decided to get in touch with a local SLAA support group. I went there yesterday and I felt really good - we discussed about powerlessness and that's something I have experienced the past few weeks. Powerlessness is something that really crippled my motivation and today things have been a bit better. There's still a lot of work to be done, but as you can see I've been taking the right actions. Today I'm going to do some stuff at home and tomorrow I'll be going to the local library to make a week and month plan.
     
  9. Richard117

    Richard117 New Member

    Hmm yes a courageous step indeed. Maybe I will partake in them too.

    Although I feel skeptical about these groups since it's like the only thing people are doing is talking about their addiction (atleast that's what I think)

    Good man. Working on a plan myself. I find it hard to sit and come up with a life vision for myself and a plan accordingly. I have wrote so much like 5 pages. Ive had no clue what to do with my life for years, so I just kept going for easy pleasures, smoking, fapping, drinking, sex if i have the chance, etc..

    But yeah thats not a good way to live. Right now I am thinking of planning myself a trip. I've wanted to see some parts of the world for a very long time, and I made it a goal, calculated how much it costs etc... My plan is to Tokyo and Seoul and other parts of Asia either this winter or the coming summer.

    It feels good though to add some direction to your life.

    I recommend this programme, maybe it'll help you.
     
  10. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hey man, thanks for stopping by. Travelling is something that I find amazing too, it's inspiring to submerge in a different culture. Asia is on my list too, yet Tokyo and or Seoul are crazy expensive. Other countries or cities are less expensive, less appealing too. I wanna live in Asia for a while too, just to see what's going on.
    As for my near future; I've relapsed a few times again and it made realise how this addiction still is. It sucks, but I now know I need to make a new game plan and do positive activities, i.e. running, walking, getting a new job.
    It feels as if my only challenge is staying clean. It is a challenge I'm willing to take and have realised having others to help me, will certainly motivate me - and hopefully others.

    About the program - I've seen it before but it's not on my list yet, maybe in a few months it will.
     
  11. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Hi,
    there was a thread here many years ago called "emergency urge control center" where you could post a short 1-2 lines if you felt on the verge of relapsing. Back then, I can't count how many times just logging in and posting there stopped me from relapsing. Perhaps write someone who is aware of this problem (or post in your journal or write a PM). I've found in most cases, staying strong for 10-15 minutes is enough to overcome most urges. And if the urges continue, I used to post in that thread several times per day or write people on Skype and so on, just to get through the day.

    Second idea, potentially triggering: I made a lot of ground when I really thought about what I was actually watching, e.g. lots of porn stars are drugged out of their mind, they're on a set with a dozen people, and basically I am watching another guy cum on some woman's face, like how pathetic is watching that? It's not real at all, it's not how the shoot works and the scene doesnt happen to me in any way, the scene doesn't REALLY exist - I remember actually getting out of my chair and looking behind my computer screen - there was nothing there, the "sex" didn't exist in my reality, you know? - It was just virtual, non-existing. And that completely shocked me and helped see porn in less of a mysterious/glamorous way.

    As for urges to watch porn for emotional comfort, I cant say I've fully conquered this problem yet, and there is no easy fix for dealing with your problems in a healthier way.

    Hope this helps a bit.
     
  12. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks rabbit,

    I haven't been online for a long time and I hit a bit of a low recently. Things weren't too bad but I kept doing unhealthy things: drinking too much, watching porn now and then - and working next to it. It wore me out. It might or might not have cost me my job but I am not pondering about it. The industry wasn't one I am familiar with. I still had a very nice salary tho.

    Right now I am reflecting on the last few months, activities that were positive and other activities that need more focus and thought to become positive. It's been a ride; being unemployed, finding a new job at a great company although the job itself wasn't really suiting me. I was asked to leave last week. I found it did not come out of thin air; I wasn't very surprised. The work wasn't as interesting as I thought it would be and the days were longer than anticipated. It came with relief of stress and anxiety. I feel I have room for personal improvement again.
    On a footnote I was drinking heavily in the weekends, it caused a drag, a grind - a very negative vibe during the weekends. I have taken up a month of no alcohol, did it last year. It has been very fruitful. I feel good now. I am such clearer.. even though it is day 5 - improvements are being experienced.

    I want to get rid of the porn for once and for all. I am done with it and I keep forgetting how terrible it makes me feel bad in one day and that feeling lasts 2 weeks. Sigh. Tonight I MOed and I just feel depleted. Even though I went to bed early and I ate well. As mentioned, alcohol. Yuk.
     
  13. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Welcome back Rw. Porn and alcohol is a deadly combination of escapism, and can lead itself into a vicious cycle. Glad you are feeling clearer these days and ready to get back on the path.
     
    Rengaw likes this.
  14. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hi yoc, long time no see my friend!
    I am getting back on the right path. Two days ago I called my rehab coach and we discussed getting back to rehab, or what my plan is going to be. Right now, I am still a but bummed about my life but I have the courage to step up. But 2018 was a weird year, with ups and downs and I am trying to find a straight line, with a small curve up.

    I am currently looking up the Slight Edge, to create a life vision and keep an eye out on the areas of life.
    Finances, health, business, personal development, relationships.

    Finances - I am unemployed and have little money. I have been spending a lot of money on digital assets; cryptocurrencies. I bought at the wrong time so most of it has lost value. But I have good hopes the prices will go up in a year.

    Health. I'm physically okay, it's been better - it's been worse. I don't exercise regularly but I do walk and cycle a lot. I am focusing to implement a morning routine again, basic exercises as sit ups and squats. It will be good for me.

    Business. Well, I am unemployed and I have most of my finances invested. So in a way, it is business. But it's poor at the moment. Being poor makes me creative tho, so not all is lost. I get around.

    Personal development. I have grown so much last year, due to being on my own abroad for a long time. Learned a lot about myself and others, about being part of a certain generation and a certain persona. I have no regrets of my mistakes and I hope making more mistakes will pay off. I.e. I have done some drugs and alcohol last year and it made me feel bad and therefore I have been cutting out alcohol for some period. See the last post; I have barely drank alcohol in November and the effects are amazing. Much sharper, less mind fog and a lot of energy and focus.

    Relationships. Probably the best of these 5 areas. I have made some great,wonderful new friends both female and male. I have a female best friend and I saw her two days ago for the first time in four months. It was pure love. She teaches me more than all of my other friends together, it's baffling what kind of insights she gives me. Sometimes it's a bit too much but I am really grateful to have her in my life. Some other friends are super fun but do not add up to my life. They are in a different level when it comes to health, finances and business.

    Right now I am taking actions to improve on all the 5 areas of life. It's not easy but taking actions will make it easier. I can't wait to have my philosophy - ya know, Slight Edge - and plant - cultivate - harvest. I'll keep you posted ;).
     
    yearofchange likes this.
  15. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Getting back on the horse again

    Hi all,
    things have been so-so. I've been clean for about 3 weeks now and things have been hard - the withdrawals are kicking me in the butt. Had a few wet dreams and also cravings, and I need to focus my energy when cravings occur.
    My last full blown PMO relapse occurred on December 17th. Now, I am picking up the pieces of my rehab plan and putting things together to make an end to this addiction once and for all.

    It's a tough struggle but with this forum I am sure I can manage!
     
  16. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I wasn't really able to log my thought the way I wanted so here's round number 2.

    So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again.

    At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.

    However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!
     
  17. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I wasn't really able to log my thought the way I wanted so here's round number 2.

    So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again. For future moments of despair I have repeated this a few times to make sure so I do the right thing .

    At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.

    However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!
     
  18. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I wasn't really able to log my thought the way I wanted so here's round number 2.

    So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again. For future moments of despair I have repeated this a few times to make sure so I do the right thing .

    At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.

    However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!
     
  19. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I wasn't really able to log my thought the way I wanted so here's round number 2.

    So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again. For future moments of despair I have repeated this a few times to make sure so I do the right thing .

    At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.

    However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!
     
  20. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I wasn't really able to log my thought the way I wanted so here's round number 2.

    So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again. For future moments of despair I have repeated this a few times to make sure so I do the right thing .

    At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.

    However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!
     

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