Semper progrediens, numquam respiciens

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Rengaw, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I feel back on track again, having set up a new plan with tasks, goals, affirmations..basically a new strategy. Leaving my phone out of my bedroom has made a significant improvement.

    I have had quite some fear the last week, general and social anxiety. I felt as if anything I needed to would result in failure.
    But nothing bad happened and all is well.

    I have resensitised very successfully, meeting up with friends and talking to strangers. I even made out with a really nice girl!
    There haven't been much cravings and I have a very positive attitude towards the future.
  2. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    It's been 3 weeks since I posted here and it feels like an eternity.
    During these weeks various good things happened, but I also had a minor relapse.

    I've met up with many friends, went to birthday parties and managed to keep a hold of my alcohol intake. Also, I've been asked to fill up a vacancy at work. I am getting promoted! All in all, things are looking okay. People are adding me on Facebook, colleagues and friends are inviting me to their parties - apparently I'm interesting enough to invite to a party! YES!

    These facts have been eye-opening for me. Many days I felt very bad and sluggish and I had a negative outlook. Now I know I don't have to trust on that feeling because it's still too bound to addiction, and I know that I am doing great because other people say so. This gives me the confidence to go on.

    As for the relapse, now I need to take responsibility for the AWS/PAWS and go on a no arousal streak. I had another SAA meeting and I realised I find it difficult to gear down, to relax. So for me stress management is important, so I decided having a lazy Sunday is important. As a result I've discarded any tasks or responsibilities on the Sunday. Being at ease is what Sundays is all about.

    What is left to do is to take up that NoArousal method and manage the AWS/PAWS. I've looked up the Easy Way method based on Allen Carrs book, I've heard much good about it. This'll be my next step for personal development.
  3. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Still going strong, I've remained on the same path. Been going out every weekend and last Friday I've rewired with a girl. Dancing, laughing, having a good time.
    Took up my running routine and I'm feeling very good again.

    However... I have been feeling very annoyed lately due to work. I don´t like my current job and I´m looking for a new environment. My current employer has promoted me but I don´t like my job either, nor the industry. The company itself is good, has a low pressure environment and I have plenty of freedom to work. Altogether this means I can get around easily and I cripple from the inside - not the outside. This crippling sensation is part of the annoyance and frustration I need to control.

    I was randomly browsing my bookmarks on addiction when I say this clip : . I am so glad I've gathered these materials. One of the core aspects of this clip is about self-care, and the last relapse was particularly based on self-loathing, self-littering. I didn't take care of my belongings, I didn't clean my room, I did not wash my cloths.
    The video showed me this is a clear sign of emotional relapse. A recipe towards relapse. So glad I see the symptom and can act upon it!! Three cheers for relapse prevention!!
  4. Wilco

    Wilco Member

    The best thing to avoid any PMO is to quit your home internet and your mobile telephone internet.
    Buy the most simple telephone without a Wifi option!

    I like your tube, I will remember it!
    Last edited: May 10, 2017
  5. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    He Wilco, thanks for stopping by. I don't think cutting off internet and mobile connection is the right solution for me. At this point, I feel good and I have taken measures to prevent relapses. I don't take my phone to my bed any more. I take care of myself right now. Self-care is a great way to prevent relapse, maintaining and working on yourself boosts my self-confidence and keeps me on track!

    Another great vid I found: .

    Take care of yourself guys!

  6. razhangwei

    razhangwei New Member

    Thanks for sharing your journals here. They are so real and very inspiring to me.

    I will keep an eye on your journal and start my own too.

    Hope we all succeed and become the master of our lives.
  7. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016


    Thanks razhangwei, your post motivates me to keep on going. Journalling has been a great way to express myself and keep track of my personal development.

    Things have been going good well lately. I've managed to get rid of ALL my medication. I'm on a holiday and it was very difficult for me to take with me the prescription medication. So everything I do know is completely 'me' . I don't really on externalities. No medicine, no coffee or energy drink. It's all me!

    Me is having many morning erections, boosts of energy and a positive live outlook in general. I'm keeping my alcohol intake low (drinking in the weekends) and that seems to have a good effect on my wellbeing.

    And when I drink I use the energy to dance and bind with people. Last week I flirted, danced and kissed with a Mexican girl. And I had a full on boner! I felt great during the entire situation and the days afterwards haha. All is well.

    Take care of yourself guys!
  8. inceptor

    inceptor Member

    Sounds very promising Rengaw, keep it up! Love to hear about the success with the Mexican girl too :)
    Rengaw likes this.
  9. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I got back from my vacation and I certainly had a blast. I had several goals; getting off medication and having interactions with women.
    I've rewired with 3 girls: the first one was kissing and cuddling the second one was potentially sex(!) but I had ED. Without knowing she was very into me and I we had our cloths off before I realised. I was able to use my hands a bit, but due to my ED she cut things off.

    I was a bit flabbergasted due afterwards because I didn't see the chance for sex coming! Then, a week later I had a click with another girl and I took it easy on the booze (also effected me with the girl before) and during dancing I already had massive boners.

    Eventually I had to go and we could not find a good place to get intimate, so we parted and we exchanged contact details so I'm staying in touch with her.

    Still, the addiction is still a slippery slope. I have been tired for several days and this morning I wanted to browse some nudes; I opened up the website and literally was saved by the bell; I thought someone was at the door. Afterwards the realisation sank in: I need to take more care of myself - self care is something that blocks cravings supports self-esteem. Hence I really need to work on a routine of self-care!
  10. Wilco

    Wilco Member

    Seems to be that you are recovering! Keep up the good work. Take care of yourself. Only you can find your own way.
  11. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Taking care of my self has been going very well. I feel am not mindfulness to say the least. I need more awareness in order to kick this habit once and for all.
  12. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Well it's been a long time, a lot has happened since my last post.
    - I've got a new job, abroad.
    - I've had various nights were I drank excessively, which got me thinking about relapsing.
    - I've taken up working out, I've been doing callisthenics 3 times a week the last month
    - I've made international friends, women, men, girls and boys. Co-workers, room mates, people that work for the same corporation.
    I am also looking for friends outside work. This is still a bit of a

    As I have been living here the first weeks were full of getting to know the environment, the people, the city... I had to find my spot. Now I can say I have and it gives me a sense of tranquillity. It allows me to grow into myself: come back to the things that matter, such as focusing on personal growth: working out, learning the local language (Portuguese) and focusing on activities that give long-lasting content and fun.

    I really have to get this of my chest: it bugs me that my body is still not normal, that I have every morning and that I have a mind fog for days if not weeks. Sigh. Thankfully I know how to handle this: take it slow and easy, stick to basic principles such as working out, eating well, sleeping well and being mindful of my body and surroundings. In this case, I also need to take up my plans..(as set out in The Slight Edge) and my addiction rehabilitation program. That is where I can find my progress now.
  13. User2044

    User2044 Guest

    Hey man.

    Sounds like you've been improving a lot over the last few months.

    Have you ever heard of Self-Authoring? It looks like you're a very analytical person, I think it could help you out a lot.

    Anyway, keep hammering. Following.
  14. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Sea Wolf, I haven't heard of that so I looked it up. It does sound like something that could guide me a bit.
    Actually, I have a gazilion of papers in my parents' house on self-analysis. Not just experiences I endured, but also effects of my families' experiences'. Their experiences affected mine. What I have written down does not necessarily link but I think in essence it is nearly the same. Understand your life from 0 to know and use the information to grow into that naturally and culturally will fit you the most.

    Last night I have had another WD. My body... well I don't feel too bad now, but I know a release can cause a nasty setback when I don't act mindful. My first step know is to remain mindful and work on some small daily goals.
    A WD tends to distract me because I feel bad, but still working towards goals, still contribute to my own life makes me feel good. Currently writing down goals for today and tomorrow.
  15. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hi guys,

    It's been quite the while. My life has changed for the better over the past months, but I'm still an addict, but a lesser one. And more person.

    As of October I have been having very regular sex, pretty much once a month and it's been a one night stand and 2 girls that I have a connection with, so I've seen them several times.
    One girl is just lovely, but she lives abroad and this makes staying in touch difficult, but also gives me room to explore. And that's what I've been doing: and I've found out my sexual appetite is normal, yet I still suffer from acute withdrawal. Not as bad as about half a year ago but I still suffer. Moreover, I've had the idea to have sex with a new girl every month. Which is, in hindsight, is completely ridiculous of course. Because it still is focused on sex. It's still a replacement of the addiction, not a cure.

    The cure lies in trying to chat with girls as often as I can and casually try to meet up with them. To get to know them as a person and not just for their vagina. Perhaps telling them about my problem.

    I'm also putting together a new plan, in order to keep my arousal low and my focus on things that will let me flourish. I've been running a lot, as sports benefit me greatly. I've adjusted my diet benefits my running. I think it helps. My muscle aches are less, the recovery time time seems shorter.

    I've missed writing here. Thinking of my feelings, experiences and future actions create positive insights in life. I hope to share more the coming weeks.

  16. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Always enjoy reading your posts Rengaw. Great to hear you're doing well with the girls!
  17. LittleGiant

    LittleGiant Member

    Looking forward to another update. Have you communicated things with any of the girls you're seeing?
  18. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Well things have been going up and down lately. I've relapsed massively the past 3 days, PMOing a totaly of 5 times. I think I might have crossed the line and fallen back in unhealthy behaviour. Which is hard to face, and requires my attention to make constructive decisions. On the contrary, I had a date the other week and girl opened up about some of here past, which was riddled with events that got her into a depression. As a porn addict I was too familiar with these features and I told her about my experiences. I did not expect this to happen on the first date but I know we both have our past stories, that are not kept privately anymore.

    Well looking back at what I wrote the last time, arousal has been omnipresent. I've been drinking a lot and as a result lust has occurred rather frequent. I've been browsing porn every weekend due to hangovers. I had a 50-day streak during which I had sex once or twice I think, but now I'm looking to go sober for a long time to be able to stretch my no PMO -run as long as possible. To do this I need to develop a need 2-month strategy.
  19. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Yeah, alcohol can really fog the mind sometimes. It's a difficult area to traverse because on the one hand you don't want to quit alcohol altogether, but if it leads you down such paths that leave you feeling wasted and stressed out, then you begin to feel it's worth it to abstain. Of course, some people can practice moderation, and not get drunk to the point of having no control or say in their actions, especially when they come home from a night of drinking and they're alone before sleeping. And other people can't seem to be able to. That's why I quit video games, entirely. I surrendered to my inability to exercise any sort of control in my video game usage. And I can for certain say that it's the best thing I've done in the last 10 years.

    But you gotta find what works for you. If the only thing that is preventing you from living your life the way you want and being the person you want to be is this, then the logical step is clear. If you can, indeed, moderate it, then you have to step back up and un-cross the line you say you've crossed. As Tyrion Lannister says, “Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.” You have to decide for yourself what you want to be.

    Hope this helps, and ofc just my two cents.
  20. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    This clip, it's been nearly a year I posted it. But still I have not managed the cure it shares. Self-care. I've been very negligent, and as a result - here's been many relapses. Last week 7. Some worse than others. But at the core is a set of easy to-do or to neglect principles. Eat healthy food. Keep my place tidy. Sleep sufficent. Share feelings. And its a domino-effect. When one is not met, the others will cripple too.
    But alas... I've had sex two days ago. Two days after I did half a marathon, so I had low energy. The girl didn't care though, I think we are fond of each other.

    And yoc - face the truth and find a way to live a real life. Not facing the truth equals living a lie. My cause right now is to focus on doing the simple things that make sure I won't relapse as often. That set me free from my addiction. I'm still an addict, I have to admit, but I'm so much more these days. That is what matters: having a life with difficult problems and not facing difficult problems without a proper life.

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