Semper progrediens, numquam respiciens

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Rengaw, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016


    Will abandon my previous journal and head for the next phase of my future with this revamped journal. You can check out my previous journal here: -
    Updates will be following later today.

    Update December 3rd 2015: Adding information about Autosuggestion. Autosuggestion, influencing the subconcious with positive affirmations, is a method to gain more faith, positivity and self-esteem. He believes improving ones health starts in the mind and with a strong belief in a positive outcome. One of the areas is addiction.

    For me it works great and I believe it will for others. The book bij Dr. Emile Coué is about 220 pages, but these free outtakes cover the essence.

    At the core of his book is this philosophy: “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better”
    Repeat this every morning and before going to sleep. It WILL help greatly!

    January 8th I have moved to RebootNation, I would love to welcome you on
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2019
  2. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Good luck! Godverdomme PMO can go straight to hell.
  3. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Haha thanks a ton buddy, PMO will go to hell!
    I am currently focusing on my life vision. I haven't set the goals yet but I have built a solid framework:
    I focus on my administration(paper work, bills, bureaucracy etc. - divided into financial situation and budgeting), health (working out, recipes, pictures of me), personal development (hobbies such as reading and some t.v. shows, passions such as playing the guitar, studying languages), professional(all the information about my studies and everything related job-wise).
    Finally, I have a simple Excel sheet that has all these topics put in tabs and I have tasks put in a planning. The planning is per 2 weeks, updating everything 4 to 5 times a week. All the files are put in the cloud, allowing me to update everything on my laptop/tablet/mobile phone. I've gotten rid of my paper agenda and I only use apps to monitor my goals and tasks.

    Besides the goal and task setting I've signed up for addiction counceling. I have told my family and some friends I am sick and tired of relapsing every other month. The counceling is covered by health insurance and I hope to gain deeper knowledge about relapse prevention , dealing with urges, coping with cravings.

    My personal goals are changing from rebooting to rewiring. I think in my case rewiring means getting used again to studying, working, being socially in control. Sometimes I still have difficulties talking and it seems by brain is still dazed. This, along with my studies, is the main goal I have. I am looking forward to graduating, getting a job, being independant. Sexually, things are okay and I have been able to get attention during any phase in my life. I have noticed sex, early in the reboot, is distraction that doesn't support the reboot or rewiring.

    Keep looking forward, don't dwell in the past and may the sun be with you.

  4. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Drank too much and binged. Had a great talk with a friend about my problems and he has become a sort of real life accountability partner. I've fucked up a day but I won't let it fuck up coming days. I've goals to achieve and I am working on them; even though it's a Saturday I am working and studying. That's the consequence of my mistake which I am accepting gratefully.
  5. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I relapsed today and I genuinely feel bad about it. I think I got a bit arrogant and thought I would truck away easily but I've been too loose on myself: not working out and studying sufficiently, drinking too much alcohol and escaping from my tasks(=going out, meeting friends, scrolling social media).

    Thanfully I've took some major decisions last weeks; got in touch with the study supervisor, made arrangements with my psychologist, opened up to my best friends and I decided to look for professional - addiction - help. There's no way back: instead of feeling sorry and hiding, I show my weakness and let my friends and family support. People should stay with you in good and in bad times.

    The progress I've made is there, yet I feel it is taking too slow. Every layer I peel off, another layer with new daunting challenges surfaces. Some challenges more daunting than other; yet by repeating and grinding every problems finds its own solution. I'm just reading my previous post about the binge(14/11 03:19:58) and after that I opened up to another - common- friend. Everytime I have PMO-related problems(urges, cravings, pains,insomnia) I tell them what's going on. It works quite well.

    As for the life vision: I have set up an spreadsheet with several tabs, each tab covering a part of my life. I set goals, work them out, adjust them and eventually check them. I integrate the sheet in an online agenda so that I can check my progress from any source, anywhere in the world.

    Apart from this improvements my social anxiety is really high, it has been for several months now. I suffer from low self-esteem, paranoia, muscle tensions and a lesser physique. Over the past months I have lost my mojo once again, and I am eagerly looking for it- or a substitute.

    I still think my actions have been very fertile yet my feeling has not increased as much. I don't know, it's all so vague and opaque. A year ago I hoped I would've kicked the habit but I haven't. I have grown a lot as a person but I haven't made significant movement towards my goals. But quality takes time I guess, so I have to take it step by step.
  6. LittleGiant

    LittleGiant Member

    I and lots of people here have also found this journey to be a non-linear process, there's a lot of zig zagging involved unfortunately, but that seems to be the norm. Just take a step back, relax and calmly work out how you will achieve your goals. Will cutting out alcohol until xmas/new years help? If so then work out exactly how you will avoid it. I'm always here if you want to message me.
  7. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    You can do this! Fuck the PMO.
  8. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I have done this before and I will do it again. Even though I had another relapse tonight I have used it to strengthen myself. From tomorrow onward I have readjusted my morning routine in order to be more productive. I have set the songs I want to learn for guitar as alarm sound, so I get more acquainted with the songs and thus progress more effectively. I've also rescheduled my MITs - most important tasks.
  9. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Physically I feel fucking terrible, but mentally I am strong: I've been able to take some decisions that I will get me somewhere. I have talked to friends and family about my addiction and more important I've taken up addiction counceling.
    Besides opening up I have been reading up about addiction, causes, withdrawal symptoms and relapse prevention methods.

    Most important is that if I feel HALT - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired - my willpower is at a low and I have a bigger chance of relapsing. So I have read up on self-acceptance and how mindfulness can help me, you can read more here:
  10. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Will go hard mode - Will focus on, from most important to less important: my studies, music, reading, self-improvement, working out, writing poetry.

    Things that do not matter to me: girls, love, partying.

    Starting now, I will go hard mode for 45 days . January 17th will be my last day of hard mode.
    As of January 18th, I will let myself socialize more with friends, girls and drinking moderately.
  11. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I had the first meeting with my addiction counselor and we made some life changing decisions: to stop drinking alcohol for half a year and to meet up every week.

    Besides that he made me aware of my suspicion against... well basically anything. I need to rebuild my confidence and gain a positive attitude.

    I have been working on it for over a year and things have been definitely improving already.
  12. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    I'm suffering from many suspicious thoughts, I feel really annoyed about them - my councelor mentioned 'stalking' and he is right, I'm a silent stalker and I feel terrible about it -however, my mind needs time to rebalance. The girl I used to day in May/June is still crossing my mind too often. She's a gem but thinking of her distracts me more than anything else.
    I have been focusing on hobbies and studying a lot but it will still take weeks and months. I need to cut on alcohol, sex and negative aspects in general, otherwise months will become years...

    I am less and less focusing on media (not watching the telly, not reading the newspaper from front to back) and it really gives you a break from all the shit. 90% of the material doesn't make you feel better yet it does eat away on your time.

    Honestly, I am glad I am to be able to focus on hobbies and- to a lesser extent- on my studies . I've written down a bit of a poem this morning and I had some great ideas this afternoon. Things are growing onto me.
  13. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    About thoughts. It is normal. I still sometimes dream about being with my high school crush. That girl is just perfect. In my mind at least. Don't worry about it. It is normal.
  14. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hey QG,

    thanks for your words. I'm still stuck but I guys my self esteem is still low due to rebooting. Today I met up with some friends and apparently one was in a similar situation: he couldn't figure out his feelings for a girl.
    Thankfully I have an alternative: studies and music that have my passion and interest.
  15. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Skipping booze has been very benificial. Stopping is still not the case but I had 2 beers this week - I might have one or two tonight. I still feel a bit of a loser from time to time, I have come to realise I have missed out on so many opportunities during life: I could have had a job, more dates and better relationships with girls, more profound hobbies, a better physique,more self- esteem, a better relationship with... ah well. 'Should have, could have, would have.'

    Dwelling does not help - looking at the past doesn't help. Looking forward and living in the presence, that's what matters.
    Still hard. While writing this I was sucked into Facebook, thinking of the girl I used to date. My mind is still out of balance on so many areas.

    There are still many frustrations I have to learn to cope with. I'll just try to play and sing of the blues and use autosuggestion to improve the acceptance of my mistakes in the past.

    To end on a positive note - I have been quite productive last days, even though my motiviation and energy are low.
    I have done chores, read many articles on YBOP/YBR and I slept in today - which I really needed.
    Will report on Monday to verify whether I how progressed.
  16. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    While reading for work I stumbled upon some very interesting information why (not) to drink coffee.
    Apparantely caffeine increases physical tensions, thus creating stress and anxiety. Here's the entire piece on coffee:

    "Limit Your Caffeine Intake

    Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline, and adrenaline is the source of the fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a faster response to ensure survival. This is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great when you’re responding to a curt e-mail. When caffeine puts your brain and body into this hyper-aroused state of stress, your emotions overrun your behavior. Caffeine’s long half-life ensures you stay this way as it takes its sweet time working its way out of your body. High-EQ individuals know that caffeine is trouble, and they don’t let it get the better of them."

    The article also focuses on emotional intelligence. It's very much worth the read. Here you go:

    Concerning myself, and the promised update: things have been so-so. Still thinking of the girl way too much, poor sleep quality, stomach cramps, headaches etc. I have had worse symptoms of withdrawal but it'd be nice if they would fade.

    Fortunately, I have regained some of my confidence and I can say my hobbies and studies are progressing. The confidence allows me to make more concious decisions: focus on study, cut off negative influences and very essential - I need to be patient and have discipline. These are the 2 values that will benefit any no PMOer.

    To end with a positive note: I have been cycling 16 mi/25 km, three times a week and today it paid of with a beautiful sunrise and a very calm, serene environment. Things are getting better and better.
  17. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Pieces of the puzzle are falling into its place - I am gradually getting my life back. Communication with my surroundings is improving significantly : typing, chatting and talking is becoming easier and more fluent. I feel more connected to myself and friends... resensitizing is underway.

    Part of this is I am more concerned about my own interests than those of others. I can focus on improving myself and I don't get distracted.

    Most of my energy is focused on solutions for myself - I study music, languages, web development and sports. However I am tired throughout the entire day. I wake up every night, usually 4 to 5 hours after going to bed and me and the ceiling are getting along very well...I hope my sleeping pattern will recover soon as it's the biggest issue I am dealing with right now, and it really destroys my professional motivation.
  18. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Bad week. Urges hit hart, body is looking for a release. Drank a lot of alcohol the past few days and watched porn. No MO, but I had a release without even touching my junk. Freaked me out and thought I failed. Turns out this particular phenomenon is called Spontaneous emission and it can even occur when going about doing random - ordinary day life - things.

    I have never had this before as I always have WD once every two to three weeks. So, I got physically aroused and ejaculated. This means I failed my hardcore run but as said - no MO happened and that is a plus. I feel like I tripped but I didn't fall.

    Oh and I recommend anyone to make an account on Udemy. Great community to self-develop. Look it up, sign up and flourish.

    On a more general note: thank you life for giving me Christmas. This period reminds me of my dearest people and blessings I have encountered. This forum has been a huge part of my life and the YBR/YBOR and its brothers and sisters on NoFAP have opened up my eyes. Without this huge online community my vision and life have become better and brighter. Things don't look so dim and dull anymore. Life is great.

    Thank you, all the best days you all. Best and warm regards,

  19. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    MOd and thankfully no horrible set back. Still managed to make essential decisions: I took some vital steps in order to graduate and I decided to stop drinking for half a year. I've made some agreements with my friends and family - they will support me and correct me if necessary.

    I've accepted my situation: porn and alcohol ar no longer an option. Music, literature, poetry, working out and self development are positive options. I will pick one of them if I need to set my mind of things.

    Keep on trucking you all.

  20. Nice to meet you, Rengaw. I appreciate how you differentiate between abstinence (as from porn/alcohol) and setting life goals for yourself- which we may properly call recovery.

    You're doing this- and I wish to encourage you as you improve daily.


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