Self improvement and a life vision

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Fry2, Dec 5, 2016.

  1. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Completely understand the sense of not being able to rest and jumping from one thing to the next, to keep the mind busy.
    I always noticed how much good it did me when I turned off all of this internet insanity, all electronic devices and went for a walk in nature.

    It's just more... natural, and it does have a calming effect on the mind.

    And like Thebeg said, meditation in the morning or before bed can be very helpful, if you give it some time and don't rush it as yet another thing we all "have to do".
     
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I can only agree about what others have said about rest/relaxation. I get proper rest when I'm able to get away from everything, to a place where I can switch off daily life. I like to go for walks in the forest or countryside, or go for long bike rides.

    If you live in the Alps, I'd say you got some great opportunities. That said, a place of rest has many faces; in my opinion, the important thing is that you can feel fully comfortable and free of stress in that place.
     
  3. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Off topic but here's a book recommendation for you. Seveneves :) Really great hard sci-fi that includes lots of science about rocket trajectories and orbits, etc. ;)
     
  4. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    The other day I forgot my phone and then realized how much I use it to kill dead moments and to … yeah.. change my emotional state. I try to ask myself why do I need this right now. What am I avoiding. What may help in such cases is to do a mindfulness bodyscan. You close your eyes, take 3 minutes and then first you focus 1 minute on your body (what do I feel? Do I have tension somewhere, or pain, etc.), then 1 minute on your emotional state (what do I feel? Anxiety, joy, anger, etc.) and then 1 minute on your mind/ thoughts (do I have many thoughts, are they negative? or exited?). And after all that you ask yourself 'what do I really need right now?'. It find it really helpful sometimes. It just takes such little time and the result is often quite interesting. Maybe you can try it out next time you want to check out the stock markets. I should do that exercise more often again as well.....
     
  5. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Man you are good at using analogies :cool: That's another great one. Indeed I have been thinking the same..for many years now. Sometimes though, I also wonder if we perhaps think too much? Perhaps we should think less and instead use "focus"...learn how to direct our focus on the right things. But then again, what is the right things?...and so we're back to the thinking again. Damn! :D
     
  6. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Cool. Hope you like it. It's long though (800 pages) and the locations change quite a lot. It's a few hundred pages in when they first get into space, if I remember rightly. I recently recommended it to a colleague and he loved it.
     
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yes, definitely stop going there if this is what you're told. If it is good for us, then why are we all suffering?
     
  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    ive had mixed experiences with therapists, in that some have said "oh its only porn everyone does it" and only one was familiar with, and sympathetic to the no porn movement, if you will.

    i guess it may be because, in terms of addictions that therapists often have to deal with, Porn is not so obviously damaging, at least in the physical sense. It's more of an insidious, subtle addiction.

    also, like you say - lots of guys seem to get by with it with no E problems, or much in the way of other problems either

    Maybe over use/ addiction to porn is really a symptom of some other deeper issue, maybe that's what your therapist is getting at? Might be worth thinking about a little anyway.
     
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I wouldn't say good since much of the industry is very wrong, but maybe they don't take any harm from it. But for people with addictive natures like me, it can only be detrimental.

    I've experienced this, too. It seems like something I simply need to endure before things get better. I'm getting some joy back, but I still feel empty some days. It's going to take time.
    While it's good to stay occupied, I think that rest is equally important. It's not much of a recovery if we end up getting burned out.

    I can't really comment on social life since I'm something of an urban hermit. But personally I'd prefer to have one friend with whom I have common interests, rather than many loose friends that are just there to fill out a contact list. That said, I'm comfortable on my own, and I don't particularly have a need for friends. At least not at this point, but it might change further down the reboot. I have not always been a lonewolf, after all.
     
    cjm likes this.
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man, well my therapists take on my own baseline level of depression and emptiness was something like this: Being emotionally neglected as a child by parents and although looked after in a material sense, not being loved in a demonstrative sense, a child can absorb this feeling of "deadness" and carry it into adulthood as an almost default state. Im not saying this is the case for you, of course - its just something to think about. Maybe this depression is something to do with your addiction problems? I'm no therapist and I dont know you personally, just throwing it out there as something to think about :)

    Also im not encouraging blaming ones parents, they are after-all just human, and often damaged in their own way with their own baggage - but as a child we dont appreciate or realise that

    Ive seen this guy maybe 3 times now, but he's familiar with my story as I saw his colleague extensively in the past
     
    TheScriabin likes this.
  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    ^This default state can also be the state we feel most like our true selves, despite the intense pain. Imagine a month of living in Korea not speaking a word of the language.., The home sickness we might feel is a craving to reconnect with the stability we know. I think depression is similar. It can be such a fundamental part of our survival mechanisms, our solution to pain, if that makes sense? As an infant, if the alternative was to die, we chose the pain. But it is an unconscious process in children, and they are so positive they keep on going whatever is thrown at them by their parents, and only as adults does it start manifesting, as anxiety, depression etc. It is frightening because we often fail to appreciate that connection to our past because we don't see it, we just feel it. The pain is non-verbal. A scary movie is fun, safe fear, because we get the trick, but with trauma we don't always understand the connections and we freak out, rather than allowing feelings to just be.
     
    Pete McVries likes this.
  12. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    About the fatigue: did you try intermittent fasting? It is something that worked quite well for me in the past. Basically not eating between evening diner and next day lunch. Just a couple of days a week should already be beneficial. I also understand that you have a baby, and thus probably a lot of interrupted sleep. Can it be that this is the main reason?

    My therapist (also a woman) also told me that porn and masturbation is normal and that it can't be an addiction. However she could understand that I used it to cope with emotional discomfort. I think many therapist don't really have the capacity or education to do a critical in depth study on the matter themselves. For most of them it is not even worth it, because you're just one of many clients, and it is just their job. Why is it by the way that most of us rebooters end up with female therapists? If you can, I would look for a guy and explain the porn thing right away and see what he has to say about it.

    I can identify with a lot of things from your last post. Are you familiar with
    ? I found it so helpful, because it's a good free program to find the causes of your addictions, but especially to help you create a basis for recovery: what are you doing it for.

    There's also a lot of good stuff going on in your life. What may be helpful is to write down the things in your life which you're thankful for. I see more people doing that here on the board, e.g. 3 things every day...….
     
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member


    Yup. Id recommend a male therapist. In fact id only want a male therapist (now) personally but that could just be me :)
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2018
  14. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    Agree with @cjm about male therapists. There are certain thing guys can discuss better with each other.

    Also, the fact that your current therapist has no clue what internet porn has done to the current generation shows she is way behind the times. It's a huge problem facing millenials and generation Z. In Europe there are entire clinics dedicated to this. As well as Israel.

    I'd say in the United States, things are a bit slower on that front unless you have access to top tier experts on the cutting edge of emotional health.
     
    cjm likes this.
  15. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    This was also the case for my male therapist here in the Netherlands. Psychologists base their work on scientific research, and it will just take more time before the porn issue had received enough examination.
     
  16. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    That is very true. I think in the next two decades, internet porn addiction will be treated as a serious mental illness. It took the community 30 years to realize video game addiction is serious. I've seen people wasted away by it.
     
  17. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Perhaps this is the first step...I don't know but I DO know that whenever we try to ressist an emotion we make it at least 5x stronger so by trying to learn to accept the "grey cloud" we at least prevent it from getting even bigger...

    ...like, "ahh, there's that grey cloud again, don't really like it but that's ok. Hey cloud, I'll sit with you for a while and if you want to tell me something, I'll be listening" .....

    .ok that might have sounded a bit stupid but I'm being serious.

    And, I have said it before so you might perhaps be tired of it by now but...anyway, It is like I wrote your post myself. The escapism in form of work, yup, I do that....the grey cloud if I don't get any dopamine fixes, yup. I got it. It's not fun....But, we'll keep going. Some day we will look back at this and say, "man I'm glad I didn't give up"
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018
  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey Fry, good of you to check in. Sorry to hear you're in tougher waters right now, but good that you want to cancel the drugs order.
    I think this is an important part. Essentially the dopamine trigger has already started when you fantasize. I know it all too well, dwelling in the fantasy of a relapse. The dopamine is already hitting hard by then, so acting out is just sealing the deal.

    So I would say that when the heavy fantasies are there you're already sort of in the middle of the mental relapse. By then it's already almost impossible to turn back. And you see, that's the stupid part about it. Technically we haven't relapsed by that point, but because all the dopamine is telling us to go just one tiny step further, we tell ourselves "it's ok", until we truly get to the point where it doesn't matter anymore.

    Stay strong bro
     
  19. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    What do you mean by orders? Are you physically purchasing something related to pmo? Dude I totally hear you about going from 0-200 in a matter of minutes. Two binges ago, I recall feeling great finally after 6 or 7 days and swearing to myself I'll NEVER go through that shit again because I hate porn so much. Literally within 2 hours I fucking relapsed for HOURS, even though I KNEW I would have to go through 4-7 entire days of feeling intense anxiety and migraines. My will power some how goes on bypass and nothing stops me. It's such a weird mode your body turns into.

    What has been your longest streak? You say you're having trouble lately each night. Do you think the daily relapses are causing your blunted willpower? That's just classic addiction process at work. If you're able to get some days and weeks under your belt, that willpower should start to strengthen. This is why I'm trying to block porn just long enough to get that willpower back. Keep on keeping on brother! You can do it.
     
  20. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Yup. This is why you can't even THINK about it. You have to change your actual thoughts AS SOON AS they surface. This is such an important part of sobriety, especially our addiction. It's all visual. You cannot let those visual images begin or you've already lost.
     

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