Seizing Momentum

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TommyH, Dec 8, 2012.

  1. TommyH

    TommyH New Member

    For the first time since starting this program - actually probably a month or so - I was able to have sex w/ my wife yesterday. The ED creeps in when my brain goes to my fantasy world or I start feeling fear from the thought of not being able to perform, but yesterday we stayed with it and were successful. It's still not great, but I'm trying to look at it as a huge victory rather than just marginalizing it.

    The longer we go w/o my initiating sex, the more I feel this sense of guilt and depression, and as soon as we are intimate together, its alleviated, and yet, I never seem to let myself off the hook. Years of living the same cycle have conditioned me: porn, then trying to walk away from P and M, and then trying to make our sexual relationship work without all those factors in my brain. I know it takes time, but I am weary of disappointing and disillusioning her.

    I'm guessing the best thing would be to initiate intimacy more frequently, successful or not, to try to avoid the building up of guilt and depression, and to try to make as many emotional connections with her as possible. Our marriage really is great except in this one area. We're partners, friends, the whole enchilada - but we're sorta lousy lovers, because I've never been capable of shaking off my addictions for more than a few weeks or - at best a few months - at a time. When it's just me and her in bed, it's great, but when I invite all the images and fantasies I've managed to build up over two decades, it gets crowded and confusing and unfulfilling.

    I welcome any thoughts here for those who've been down a similar road, but mostly I just wanted to say this to someone who would understand. I feel hopeful this weekend. Hopeful because I'm two weeks into sobriety and taking steps to make our intimate relationship healthier. That alone is worthy of keeping my chin up.
  2. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I wonder it Karezza might help. It's gentle, less demanding in the erection department and said to bring incredible closeness.
  3. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Trust me, sex with your wife IS a huge victory after what you've been through.

    I can't tell you what to do or think, but I believe you and your family will be best served if you forget the past, forget the guilt, and focus on the good that is now happening in your life. You are in recovery. You are rebooting. You will be a new man. Everyone will be better for it. There is so much to be thankful and excited for. Focus on that.
  4. Speeder72

    Speeder72 New Member

    It's great to read about your progress,

    Our situations are very similar, I would consider my wife to be by best friend as well as my partner. In my experience things will just keep getting better. I have been with my wife for 24 years and I can honestly say that the sex we have now is just as good if not better than when we first met.

    My P&M addiction brought on ED to the point where I would not be able to sustain an erection during sex. I am a couple of weeks ahead of you in recovery time and we had great sex this morning. I was able to get hard just in anticipation of what was to come, no physical contact of any kind and I was ready to go. I can't remember the last time that happened. I won't go into details but a couple of things happened during the sex that a month ago would have distracted me and resulted in a lost erection but no such problems now.

    I know it's much easier said than done but you need to try and take the pressure off yourself. Stay away from P&M and enjoy physical contact with your wife without expecting to be a sex god and as your brain chemistry rebalances I am sure you will see the improvements you want.

    Stay strong because the rewards are so worth it and keep us updated with your progress.
  5. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    It sounds like you are doing great Tommy. One topic I see coming up over and over is the idea of Karezza as a way to build intimacy. It sounds fantastic to me. it doesn't mean that you have to foreswear orgasm forever, but some couples find it so pleasurable that they rarely practice orgasmic intercourse. It costs nothing to try.
  6. ezagent

    ezagent Guest

    If your wife is onboard with what you're doing and supports your efforts things are only going to get better.

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