For the first time since starting this program - actually probably a month or so - I was able to have sex w/ my wife yesterday. The ED creeps in when my brain goes to my fantasy world or I start feeling fear from the thought of not being able to perform, but yesterday we stayed with it and were successful. It's still not great, but I'm trying to look at it as a huge victory rather than just marginalizing it. The longer we go w/o my initiating sex, the more I feel this sense of guilt and depression, and as soon as we are intimate together, its alleviated, and yet, I never seem to let myself off the hook. Years of living the same cycle have conditioned me: porn, then trying to walk away from P and M, and then trying to make our sexual relationship work without all those factors in my brain. I know it takes time, but I am weary of disappointing and disillusioning her. I'm guessing the best thing would be to initiate intimacy more frequently, successful or not, to try to avoid the building up of guilt and depression, and to try to make as many emotional connections with her as possible. Our marriage really is great except in this one area. We're partners, friends, the whole enchilada - but we're sorta lousy lovers, because I've never been capable of shaking off my addictions for more than a few weeks or - at best a few months - at a time. When it's just me and her in bed, it's great, but when I invite all the images and fantasies I've managed to build up over two decades, it gets crowded and confusing and unfulfilling. I welcome any thoughts here for those who've been down a similar road, but mostly I just wanted to say this to someone who would understand. I feel hopeful this weekend. Hopeful because I'm two weeks into sobriety and taking steps to make our intimate relationship healthier. That alone is worthy of keeping my chin up.