Seen it all Yet still Confused

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Circle, Feb 6, 2019.

  1. Circle

    Circle New Member

    TLDR: rebooted, relapsed, semi-rebooted, unexpectedly got a message from a fetish dating site that flooded my brain with dopamine, had sex the next day but feeling confused as to what to think.

    Hey everyone, I'm currently on my third reboot. I first rebooted at 21, took my around 2.5 months to go from having PIED to having sex for the 1st time in my life. And doing it well too. But as the years went by porn crept back into my life. I lost perspective and assumed everything would be fine as I pmo'd back into my old lifestyle. Then it finally happened again, and last Feb I developed PIED while with my girlfriend. Horrified, I tried to blame it on anxiety, but after a month and a half I had to admit the real problem.

    Fast forward 5 months later and I'm cured (attributing the longer time to having some sex and O's with my gf in that time) but deeply unhappy in my relationship. I realized that the PMO had more affect on me than I had ever realized. That it affected me not only in the chemistry of getting erections, but in the way I saw and reacted to women. I was much less attracted to her and although the sex got steadily better, I knew that if I had not been abusing PMO, I would never have entered a relationship with this woman. It was all about my addiction.

    Out of desperation and loneliness I ended up binging on a site with a heavy BDSM aspect. Not porn, talking to real people around the world, but soon turned into a week-long sexting binge with a woman. After that, I was SUPER horny, but my dick couldn't get hard enough to penetrate my gf. She knew what was up, I didn't deny it this time, but I knew I couldn't keep on like this. We had horrible sex a few times where my dick just felt "off" and I came within a minute. I broke up with her a few weeks later.

    So now I'm ready to hard mode reboot again and have a real, fulfilling relationship afterwards. Unfortunately I have a tougher time this go around. I never watch porn but I relapsed a few times by going on dominatrix sites and hiring a few. Or ending up MO'ing after. A couple times I feel great after a week or so of abstinence and then going out and flirting, talking and dancing with women, but I end up so horny in the morning that I MO and start the cycle over again.

    I also have sex one time during this reboot, with a girl I always had a crush on. I'm extremely worried about not being able to perform and even turn her down but she insists and wouldn't you know it, It goes up and stays up. In the morning though, we try again and I'm up, but weakly. It's enough for it to work but I'm now traumatized again. The next day I think about her and relapse.

    Coming to the present day, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm to binging or relapsing anymore, focusing on women when I interact with them and feeling like my brain is rewiring at a decent rate. Then the unexpected happens. My phone buzzes, and I see I've gotten an response to an email I had sent to a woman I'd met on a fetish dating site months ago. I'd totally forgotten about it.

    Just the sight of the email in my inbox floods my brain with dopamine. I'm instantly high and my chest is pounding at the thought of it and what it represents. I get a huge, tingling erection but I go and delete the email and my account. Still though, my brain feels different. The next morning I have enormous morning wood. the morning afterwards too. I message a girl who I had talked to about cuddling before and we make plans to get together that night & cuddle. No sex, just cuddling.

    Of course it turns into sex and I have a 110% erection. There's no fantasizing, but the sex is pretty rough, which she loves and I'm definitely feeling. Interestingly, it's the opposite of what I had PMO'd to all those years, I'm the aggressor now. We have sex and I don't last long but it doesn't matter. The next morning I have huge morning wood again, my brain feels a bit more balanced. I'm not PMOing and I have no chaser. But my brain still feels fuzzy and I'm definitely attracted to the idea of what happened the night before.

    Thanks if you read this gigantic tale. I'm confused and frustrated about what to do next. I want to feel that 100% natural, heart-pounding feeling of sexual attraction that I was working towards and had felt. But it's been such a long journey this time and I'm exhausted. It was amazing feeling myself at my full virility again. And I'm not fantasizing or PMO'ing - and I do still crave an actual loving connection with a woman. But am I totally set back? Can I have intercourse without it being rough and wild? I want to message the girl I hooked up with previously but I'm very scared I will fail and of explaining my problem. And I've got no one to tell all this to but you guys :). Thanks again
     
  2. Relife

    Relife New Member

    You are awesome man, you give me hope.
    I always afraid of getting pied and can't recover.
    Go on and feel the joy of real connection , get away from anything triggers you and be more connected to real people.
    Thanks for giving me hope.
     

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