Seek and You Shall Find

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Skallagrigg, Jun 6, 2017.

  1. Skallagrigg

    Skallagrigg New Member

    I am 57 years old and have masturbated to porn mags and internet porn since I was 14.

    This addiction to porn and masturbation has ruined my first marriage and is in danger of destroying my second one if I do not learn to overcome it. I have tried to reboot at least 4 times in this marriage and have sought help from my GP without success. I have relapsed in a big way recently because of my stressful working life over the last 6 months. I have tried to kick the addiction on my own before my wife discovered was I still doing PMO in secret.
    Last Wednesday I was at home surfing porn on my laptop and she came home early and caught me in my underpants wth the curtains drawn - that’s how it feels - I am doing something seedy and trying not to get caught. She was really hurt and upset especially as her own self esteem is not great - I knew this and the effect it would have on her, which is why I was trying to stop before she found out. It wasn’t enough and this insidious addiction caused me to ignore my desire to love and protect her from being hurt. Because I lied about not doing it to protect her feelings she does not trust me and won’t believe I have an addiction. Despite having a huge row we have not split up yet. She has gone away for a few days on a trip she had already planned so we have some space to reflect on what has happened to our relationship.
    I found this forum by accident - I typed Addicted to Internet Porn into Google and found my way here via Noah Church’s Addicted to Internet Porn site. I cannot believe I did not try a search like this earlier, but I am so glad I did now because finding out about what PMO does to men, and that there is a large community of men out there facing the same challenge has been an epiphany for me. I now have high hopes I can overcome this and perhaps save my relationship with my wonderful wife.
    I can see from reading the posts here that it is not an easy task and I must be realistic about how difficult it could be given the nature of the long term effect of PMO on my brain and physiology. However, I am willing to try and have started to put some things in place to give me a better chance at succeeding this time, especially as I now have a support network I did not have in the past. I would like to thank you all for being brave and caring enough to share and support each other on this forum and that I no longer feel alone in my trials.
  2. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Welcome to the forum, Skallagrigg. It's not too late to steer the ship in a new direction. This is a difficult addiction to beat, as you rightly pointed out. However, we must start some time so why not now? Maybe you're wife catching you in the act, as it were, will end up being a blessing in disguise. Reading and posting here frequently, especially as you're setting out on this journey, can be incredibly helpful. It has for me. Being accountable and giving and receiving support from others on this journey is invaluable. Good luck and wishing you strength and wisdom on your new journey.
  3. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Welcome Skallagrigg,

    Yep this is a great support network to deal with your PMO addiction. It is not easy, you will have to learn to replace that old destructive coping mechanism with new and healthier ways of supporting yourself. Your whole being will go in some kind of protest once you stop PMO. Your brain and body will crave what it has known for such a long time. The support, encouragement, tips and sharing that you will find in this forum are invaluable! I could not have done it without the support of the brothers here. Later in the journey when you find your own healthy ways of dealing with the world and its stresses and start respecting even loving yourself again a whole new world opens up, way better than you could have imagined.

    Wishing you courage and good luck!
    Newman8888 likes this.
  4. onesea

    onesea Active Member

    Skallarigg, welcome. I don't have a lot to add that Newman and Bobjes haven't already said. I do wish you strength and awareness though.

  5. Skallagrigg

    Skallagrigg New Member

    Thanks for your warm welcome posts - I take on board what you all have said.
    I feel quite numb and flat this evening, I was on a kind of high over the weekend, after finding out I had a real chance to get over this blight on my life with some much needed education about my addiction and the promise of support. I haven't had any real urges to look at Porn or masturbate yet but I am wary these could sneak up on me.
    I have printed out a calendar for this month with an inspiring image and put it on the wall in my music room. I am striking through the PMO free days with a green marker pen to monitor my progress - the crunch will come when I have to be honest with myself and mark a relapse in red marker pen. I don't how I will handle that situation and I think it will hit me harder than in the past, as I now have invested more of myself in this attempt to recover.
    One good thing is that I have not been tempted to PMO whilst alone in the house as my wife is away on a trip abroad. I think I would have given in previously and indulged by now. I still have 4 days to go before she returns and I need to think about how much I can involve her in my recovery at this early stage - she may still be too angry and hurt to understand what is happening to me and why it should be any different from previous "so-called attempts to stop".

    Wishing you strength and courage back - my friends
  6. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Welcome Skallagrigg,

    I want to offer my full support. This is a great community. I assume you have seen A great resource. I bet your wife will become a great ally in your battle against PMO. Give her time to see you make your changes... do not beat yourself up over slips but don't brush them off either if that makes sense.

    All the best brother.
  7. ananoman

    ananoman Active Member

    Welcome aboard. We are all on this journey together.
  8. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Even in this is the seed of allowing yourself to go there.

    Can I suggest the @Billy B. approach? PMO is not an option. No matter what!

    You are doing great! :)
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Welcome, Skallagrigg. Good onya for steppin' up to the challenge. It's tough but absolutely achievable and totally worth it. The alternative is... not worth considering really.

    Now that you have found some info, hopefully she can get an understanding of what it's like to be addicted to this shit. May I recommend Rebbot Nation for her? They have a great sub-forum for women partners of addicts that she may find supportive and useful.

    You can do it, man!
  10. Skallagrigg

    Skallagrigg New Member


    Thanks for all the encouragement my friends.
    My wife is back home and I have explained that I have found some authoritative information on my addiction and a great support group.
    I think she was surprised I had made an effort to do something positive about my problem.
    However, for her I think actions will speak louder than words, and given all the hurt and mistrust my addiction has caused I can hardly blame her.
    I have had a couple of MW days and some strong urges to masturbate but I have continued to resist them.
    I was channel surfing on TV and found myself close to edging when watching a reality TV programme featuring some BBW women with large breasts - they were fully clothed but it set my imagination wandering. Luckily I turned it off an found something else to do to take my mind off the fantasy that was developing.
    I can identify with many comments on this forum that caution against even the smallest contemplation of self sexual arousal, as this can so easily send you down the path to a PMO relapse. I think sharing this type of insight is invaluable to those us starting on the path to recovery.
    Keep up the great support and helpful comments and stay true to your own recovery.

    bobjes likes this.
  11. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good call. And good best of luck.
  12. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Welcome. As has been said already, we're all in this together.

    And. . . your story is our story. Let me give you an overview: three years ago I was on the verge of losing my job and my marriage. Through rebooting I've rebuilt my life - people have forgiven and forgotten what I was like. Minor relapses I've had along the way have not destroyed my progress. I feel happier and more at ease in my own skin than ever before, just through rebooting.

    I'll give you some (unsolicited) advice. I spent a frustrating first year here convinced it was all about willpower. I got nowhere until I looked into the emotional side of it all. Things came together the day I decided to forgive myself for my porn use, and to start to seriously examine what it was I was hiding from when I was looking at porn. I detailed my fears. I wrote them out. Looking at them robbed them of much of their power over me.

    It was when I accepted that porn was not the cause of my crappy life that I started to rebuild things.

    If all this sounds meaningless, just take one thing from this: get busy doing stuff. Learn new skills, get exercise, leave the house more. . . learn to meditate, take a cold shower, push yourself into social situations.

    It's the Slight Edge philosophy. It takes time to build positive habits, but when they are established you will rebuild your self-esteem.

    Good luck in your journey. Once you start there is no going back to mindless porn consumption - in that sense, there is no failure!
    Rapha and Billy B. like this.
  13. Skallagrigg

    Skallagrigg New Member

    It's been a busy few weeks since my last post but I had to find time for this post as to me it is a milestone.
    First, I have gone a whole month PMO free :)
    Second, I have masturbated twice when the urges got too strong and a fantasy took over but this has strengthened my resolve not to masturbate unless I am having some intimate time with my wife.
    Third, things have got much better in my marriage and we had our first sexual contact since she discovered me doing PMO. I hope this will be the first of many more moments of lovemaking.
    Hope you all are still coping well and staying on the path to recovery.
    bobjes likes this.
  14. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Great post Skallagrigg! You have re-connected with your wife... that is great medicine for recovery. Congratulations on 1 month! So strong...awesome.
  15. Skallagrigg

    Skallagrigg New Member

    Well it's been over a month since I last posted. Mainly because I have been on holiday for 2 of those weeks. I have continued to avoid PMO in this time but have still masturbated a few times. However, today I got close to the edge again when I got curious and skimmed a TV programme with nudity in it. I managed to not to watch it in any detail and didn't feel aroused or masturbated. I guess that is good in some sense as in the past I would have relapsed and masturbated to orgasm. It's a good wake up call against getting too complacent when things go well and a reminder to take things one day at a time. I think it didn't help that I didn't sleep well last night and I was anxious about returning to work after my holiday.
    I hope you are all managing to make progress on the path to recovery and I appreciate your continued support.
    Billy B. likes this.
  16. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hello sir. I guess I'm a little bit late but I wish to chime in and welcome you aboard. I have found this forum a wonderful place to open up with hopes,fears and frustrations.
    Fcjl8 said it well:
    "do not beat yourself up over slips but don't brush them off either if that makes sense."
    Once again welcome

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