Saving my marriage and life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by spinergy, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. Mighty Mouse

    Mighty Mouse New Member

    Welcome back spinergy! Good to see you posting again.
  2. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

  3. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Day 126 no PM, 63 no O.

    Same ol', same ol'.

    Except this: moderate urge to view P, easily resisted. Is this an indication of the end of the current long, dry flatline period I've been in? Or is it just the lizard brain looking for dopamine in the usual place? Time will tell, i suppose.

    Re: antidepressants...I've cut back a bit, but I really don't think they are a major cause of my ED issue.

    The major cause is PMO. Actually, two causes: streaming P, and excessive M. (and a little obesity on the side). Pathetic, but there it is.

    I'm hoping for ED improvement soon, but I'm not expecting anything near full recover before a full year of reboot. That kinda sux, but it beats the alternative (relapse, never heal, feel like a piece of shit again).

    Per aspera ad astra.
  4. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Day 127 no P, no M; day 64 no O.

    Not much to report. After a few weeks of reboot, I started getting morning wood. Then it stopped. I haven't experienced it for something like eight weeks. This morning I had the beginning of a chub, accompanied by some sensitivity--the first signs of life down there for nearly two months. They were noticeable only because my dick has been so dead for so long. A good sign? We'll see.

    The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

    --The single coolest line from Pulp Fiction.
  5. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Day 131 no P, no M; day 68 no O.

    Still pretty flat, but lately signs of returning libido. Slight increase in sensitivity, still no true morning wood. More urges to view P, etc. Resisted.

    Onward we trudge.
  6. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Spin,
    I'm glad you're still here.
    You're right that all this porn availability makes this process harder.
    Imagine just 100 years ago we would probably have never seen "porn".
    Oh well, let's just keep trying and keep talking.
    Silence in this process is not helpful.
    Be well,
  7. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Thanks, gettingthere. Interesting thoughts about the pre-porn world.

    Pre-Internet porn, I can't remember ever hearing about a man who preferred M to sex with another person. Nowadays, we hear a lot about it.

    The progressive sex-ed mantra was, there's nothing wrong with M. That may have been true in a pre-Internet streaming P world. However, today "M" usually means "PMO," which is very destructive. The conventional wisdom hasn't caught up, and political correctness makes it difficult to talk about it.

    Day 133 no P, no M; day 70 no O.

    No change, except one close call. Another poster referenced a nominally non-P image-posting site which I hadn't heard of. I was curious and looked it up. I almost searched for P, but managed to close the page before I did.

    As I sat there, about to dive back into the cesspool of sh*t I'd worked hard to get out of, I could feel the rush of anticipation in my lizard brain. I was sobered by how much the lizard brain evidently still craved the flickering, false stimulation of P. Rewiring my brain is going to take a while, apparently.

    I am glad I didn't go over the edge, but, in view of the chemical rush I got just by coming close, I think I may have set back my reboot a little. On the bright side, it was a useful reminder of how toxic this poison is for me and how far I have yet to go.
  8. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member


    133 days of no PM!!!!!

    That's amazing man.

    I'm giving you a purple star.

    Welcome to the Hall of Fame.

    Haven't read the whole journal. I'm curious, are you having sex with your wife? Have you considered Karezza?
  9. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Thanks. Still on a long-term flatline stretch, but some signs of life "down there." I anticipate attempting "marital relations" again soon and will report.


    Day 142 no P/M; day 79 no O. Libido still low, but with occasional glimpses of desire. A couple of instances of morning wood (one 50%, one 80%), after weeks of nothing.

    Stay strong, everyone.
  10. RecoverED

    RecoverED Guest

    Hey Spinergy,

    Glad to see that you're progressing so far into your reboot and resisting the urges and they come.

    Hope the flatline ends for you soon!

    Be well.
  11. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Thanks, RecoverED.

    Day 160 no P/M; day 97 no O. Still pretty low libido; more morning wood; first erotic dream in ages. Feels like I'm slowly coming out of the flatline.

    The slow pace of recovery emphasizes to me how powerful a poison P is. While it's a bit depressing to realize how far I'd fallen, I do feel some grim satisfaction at having abstained for 160 days.
  12. machok

    machok New Member

    Nice to see you still going strong Spinergy :) Haven't read your whole blog because it's a little tricky reading on my phone, but could some sex maybe kickstart your libido ?
  13. Believe

    Believe New Member

    Hi spinery,

    I know what you are going through. I started rebooting 7 months ago and I relapsed 4 times in this period, the last time happened intentionally. My longest No-PMO- reboots were 45 days and 123 days. I only had great benefits at the beginning ( 2nd week) but they never came back in these 7 months.
    That means that I'm also flatlining for at least 95% of my whole reboot. Until today. Some guy told me about oriental medicine- doctor who helped him. I don't know much about, but I will talk more with this member.
    I'm really impressed that you are keeping so strong. I have to admit that I doubt that it really will get better, if I'm not doing something else. I mean after so many months we can expect at least some permanent benefits. But really nothing has stayed more than a few days.
    If I would be sure that, let's say in 8 months it will get better, then I would do it. But it seems that No-PMO is just not enough. Socializing, meditation also didn't help me. Did you ever had the same thoughts? I mean most guys need 2 months to see some permanent results. And we have more than the triple time and it is like I didn't even start rebooting. Okay I don't have cravings anymore. I can easily resist again porn, even against my fetish-porn. But my fetish is sometimes still in my head I want it - but only in my head. If I try imagine that a real woman would do this , I would hate it. So, that's acutally the only change that happened.

    Well, I'm quite desperated but I wish you good luck.
  14. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Machok and Believe--thanks for the input and support.

    I don't log in too often -- maybe because it's a little discouraging, maybe because all the talk of porn makes me think of porn....

    204 days no P, no M; 2 O during that period, both with wife, but accompanied by significant ED. Occasional morning wood; still largely flatlining :(.

    I don't know the answer to our situation, Believe. Maybe for me there's a physical component to the ED as well--I'm overweight and hypertensive. I remain convinced that most of the problem is due to nearly 15 years of PMO, intensified over the past few years with the advent of streaming P.

    I hope and expect to conquer the ED problem. However, even though it's depressing and frustrating not to have "recovered" to that extent in 204 days, the reboot process is unquestionably a net positive. PMO, for me particularly, really is a neurological poison. It also is an emotional and psychological poison. Even if I struggle with ED for the rest of my life (ugh), I am far better off today than I was 204 days ago. I deeply appreciate those on this forum who have helped me achieve this.

    I still have PM urges now and then, occasionally strong ones. I can feel my lizard brain anticipate a rush when I even consider viewing P. Obviously, I still need to detox.

    On the other hand, when I see the occasional graphic scenes on a TV show (e.g., in The Wire reruns), I reflexively avert my eyes--part of my brain doesn't want to watch, even as a more primitive part of my brain does. Weird.

    Stay strong, brothers.
  15. pizzaman

    pizzaman New Member

    nice job Spinergy.

    I'm glad to be able to post on your journal and offer support.
    every day is a gift.

  16. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Springery, I understand your concern...we are very similar. My addiction problems involve some HEAVY use on more than one occasion. I love my wife, but the physical side of our relationship is very damaged. We have very little sex as well, and it really hurts me. I feel a deep sense of emotional and social rejection from her when she turns me down. However, she feels like I have prostituted her because of my use, and because she is always wondering if I am with her or screwing a hooker that I was looking at a few hours earlier. It really is a vicious cycle. I use to cover pain, and she rejects me because I use. Anyway, we are both in this together, and hopefully can make progress. My wife wants to heal, and I want to as well. But, to heal I have to reboot, and after using for 20+ years, all the way to actually using prostitutes, I am quite damaged.

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