Saving my love-life

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Mescalito, Oct 24, 2018.

  1. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Hey folks,

    and there it is... another journal.
    I'm 35 years old now and I attepted to quit porn/masturbation before. Until now my PM habit was an issue to me but it never seemed to be a big problem and I wasn't pressed that much to change anything.
    I never saw it coming but during the last year things pretty much escalated, ending with me searching out femdom scat and stuff like that. Plus I could really "hyperstimulate" me by playing with my nipples. No matter how tired I was or how many times I already had ejaculated... this plus some porn always got me hard again.
    I'm totally ok with any sexual quirks and when I had my orgasms with extreme stuff it was and is still ok, never felt disgusted or anything.
    But the thing is, all of this is killing my love-life. My motivation to seek out woman was already pretty low the last 4 years but now it has hit rock bottom. I literally have zero interest in real sex right now.
    And I really miss the real action.

    Luckily there are ways to change that and I want to write down my journey and share it with the people of this forum.

    Good news is, I'm already 10 days into the process now. I haven't touched my dick since then, but I looked up
    some porn and got into some nipple-stimulation until three days ago.
    The first week I got pretty horny sometimes but since sunday I'm totally flatlining. No libido and porn or fantasy doesn't get me aroused. Even twisting my (oh god I hate this english word) nipples doesn't do anything for me.
    And feels very very liberating, kinda like "ok, less to worry about".
    Plus this is a very good chance to break my just take a "little look at porn" and self-stimulating habit.
    At the moment I feel like there is no point in looking at other people copulating.

    I don't have a specific goal regarding days but I'm a bit into chi-gong and there is a saying that
    after 100 days of no orgasm your sexual energy is fully restored. So lets go with that - numberswise- for the moment.
    Nevertheless I want to hop back into an active sex life in spring 2019 and there is so much more I want to do the following 4 month. But that is a story for another journal entry.
  2. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Well 11th day is over and now things are starting to get interesting....because now my urges to check out some porn have begun.
    It's like once every 30 minutes my brain is telling me things like "hey, let's just check out chaturbate really quick, it will be good" or "come on just grab your dick one last time, you can start again anytime".
    Luckily it isn't overwhelming and I really feel like I'm just a spectator of these thoughts and can decide if I want to give into them or not.
    At the same time I feel surprisingly refreshed today even though I cought a cold on monday.
    Well, time to take a bath and call it a day.
  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Hey @Mescalito. The best piece of advice was one of the simplest I ever got from a counselor at rehab. "If you feel like you're going to cave to your addiction, get up and go sit over there." If you make the move and still feel like the addictive behavior, do it again, and again, and again. Keep moving until you've got it under control." I have used this to great success for both pornography and alcohol over the years. Sometimes, when you're just about to crack, just about to give in, the moment of clarity of walking into a different room and sitting down is all you need to stop things in their tracks. When it gets worse, I have followed this same advice, just in a public place. You get a lot of exercise walking around a mall staving off your cravings. Good luck.
    Merton and Pete McVries like this.
  4. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Thanks for the input, will try it out.

    12th day is over since this mornig and it's pretty much the same as yesterday. Still flatlining with even no interest in the woman I see at work. Some urges to touch myself when I'm not distracted.
    Had a sex-dream at night which is actually very rare.
    As a reward for my progress i'm finally going to install the HiFi speakers I bought this spring and start listening to more music again.
    If anybody is into HiFi, got a pair of these babys:

    Finally my cold is wearing off and I can't wait to get on my mountain-bike again (a new hobby I discovered 2 month ago).
    And soon I will begin another withdrawal: From nicotine.
  5. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Finally 2 weeks of abstinence are over. I'm feeling pretty fine and as long as I don't think about sex I don't get aroused at all. But if I do ... well let's say my crotch get's set on fire.
    So if it is about to happen I'm just directing my thoughs into another direction. I've got a longer meditation background (although I'm not practicing it for some time now) and that might be why
    I can handle these thoughs so well.
    It's like I'm doing the NoArousal approach and I believe it's the best way for me to regenerate and to channel my energy into other things.
  6. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    I took on another challenge today. Since half a day I'm on nicotine substitution with an e-cigarette.
    I've done it in the past so I knew what it was like....I basically feel like I stopped smoking but the worst nicotine cravings are soothed. Let's say it's a 40% replacement for real smoking.
    I'm now going to taper the nicotine contend of the liquid down step by step. I'm now using a liquid with 3mg of nicotine per ml, and as soon as I'm stable with that dosis I will start vaping 2mg and so on.
    Good thing is that this takes my mind away from PMO even more, bad thing is the first week is always the most shitty one for me without smoking. I think tomorrow I will take half the day off and go shopping for winter clothing.
  7. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    I guess I was too confident...I can't pull off the no smoking thing right now. Fighting on two fronts is just a little bit too much at the moment. The urges to seek artificial sexual stimulation are still there but they get less common and their intensity drops. So I will wait a little more until I'm really solid on that part, then I'm going to worry about the other addiction.
  8. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    With the no PMO going pretty smooth and me having lots of motivation right now I think it's time that I start some daily routines that are (hopefully) going to help me with my overall well-being.
    Stress being a huge downer for me - and I see the connection to my porn-masturbation habits as stress being one of triggers/causes - it seems to be a good idea to start with some active relaxation.
    I'm now going to practice progessive muscle relaxation before I go to sleep and maybe during the day if I can find the muse. Tried it out some time ago and it really helped getting to sleep better and feeling less tense overall. I don't want to start too much new stuff at the same time but I will additionally try to spend maybe 30 min right after work cleaning up my apartment every day.
    It just get's too gross and doing one big cleanup once every week always seems just to big to handle which doesn't help me finding the motivation to do it.
  9. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Day was ok... but I'm pretty bagged. Followed my plan, but now it's time to rest...
  10. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Damn, feel like I'm getting sick again :(

    Urges are getting stronger now, the need for sexual phantasies and getting aroused was pretty strong today. Didn't give in though, but it seems to me the real work is about to start.
    Plus I tend to get more emotional, cried to youtube videos with cats getting saved by the vet etc.
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2018
  11. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I hear you about the emotions. There is a commercial of a dying guy that comes on TV a lot and it gets me every time. Now I go in a different room when it's on.

    What is the progressive muscle relaxation? How do you do it and how does it work?

    Have you tried reading the book ''The easy way to quit smoking'' by Allen Carr? I read it 10 years ago when I stopped smoking and it got me to quit.

    I also sympathize with having no urges for real sex. Over the years, pornography has made me feel extremely uncomfortable during sex. I really want a true desire to come back.
  12. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    First things first, it's basically laying down or sitting up and then you start to tension up single muscle groups and then contiously relaxing them :
    You can learn it with guided audio-manuals. This one seems ok:
    If you get the procedure it I would recommend to drop the manual and doing it at your own pace.

    And I've read Allen Carr some years ago, but sadly it didn't help me. But the time will come when I will just pull it off.

    I didn't ever feel bad during sex. Quite the contrary but I too don't feel a true desire to do it. PMO is just more appealing right now .... and that is meh ;)
    Todays report:
    MO+fantasy urges are still rising, desire to watch porn is pretty low. Luckily I won't get sick again (I hope) but I'm still pretty bagged. Will still do my housework after posting.
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2018
  13. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Just noticed a funny side effect of my abstinence: Young Madonna is suddenly sexy as hell lol, never was into her before
    Joshua Shea likes this.
  14. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @Mescalito LOL. Maybe it's all the singing about being like a virgin.
  15. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Possibly ;)

    Today I had the urge to check out chaturbate once again, and I did for like 5 minutes. I literally felt nothing. No arousal, nothing, maybe a little bit of excitement but that was it.
    I then closed the window because it was pointless to continue.
    I'm in a pretty strange place at the moment, most of the time I'm totally asexual but then in a blink of an eye my mind wants to burst with sexual images. But it doesn't translate to an erection so to speak.
    Well, will continue the abstinence and I'm now very curious what will happen during the upcoming days.

    Tomorrow I will be 3 weeks PMO free plus I sticked to my cleaning routine :cool:
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2018
  16. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    And finally 3 weeks are over. Time to reflect on my progress so far.

    First of all, I got lucky and didn't develop an addiction to porn. My problem is excess masturbation and fantasizing because of my high urges to get horny and orgasm. Porn kind of served as a catalyst and maybe that's why I took a liking to chaturbate so much. It just leaves so much room for my mind to go wild. And it's the pleasure itself my mind craves up to and beyond the point of being totally exhausted.
    That gives me the opportunity to be more effective in my recovery besides just being abstinent. Fantasizing isn't just a problem regarding sexual stuff to me, but I really love to be in my mind so much that I often feel like so trapped in it that I feel like I'm not really there and separated from the world around me.
    Now I have to come up with a plan.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Congrats on the 3 weeks! I have similar issues with fantasies in general and inner-dialogue. Looking forward to hear about your ways to deal with that. Mindfulness helps, but it is difficult. I think because it has been a coping mechanism for avoiding reality for so long. What are your thoughts on that?
  18. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Thx, to me it is like escaping the profanity + pain of life a bit. I still need some days to think about how I'm going to tackle this.

    Urges were pretty intense today, but the flatline is getting more intense too. The more I drop sexuality the more I crave my former PMO behaviors - or so it seems.
    My mood is pretty low, and looking at the tracker realizing how many days are still ahead of me doesn't help either.
    I don't know how to cope with it right now, I guess it's willpower time....
  19. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    What a zig-zag course it is, almost zero cravings today. Still I was pressed to check out chaturbate once again briefly. I don't know why I'm doing it because if I look at it with an empty mind I don't react to it. I guess it has become a stronger habit than I imagined but it's going to stop now.
    Not resetting my counter because no harm was done but yeah, I can do better.
  20. Mescalito

    Mescalito Member

    Doing ok today, but I feel really bagged.
    I'm going to stop logging for a few days, need to clear my head from this no-pmo-stuff.

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