This is tiring. I have quit porn at least 2 times. I go back to it because I'm just not satisfied with my love life. I swear to God if I had more money I'd leave my entire life behind right now. I'm angry
Well you know the drill well. Welcome aboard. Pmo is no substitute for a sex life. There are many men who can help you along here. Anger is not going to help you.
I know the feeling. I guess porn isn't the root of your problem. Not mine certainly. I think it's probably wise that you are realizing that you are 'angry' and admitting it - THAT it is not a negative action. And yes it sure is tiring - repeating patterns that are leaving us wanting more.
I was way too tired tonight and I pmo'd. I was too tired and had the self control of a 16 year old. I should have left the computer off and just stared blankly at the tv, as soon as I turned the damned computer on it was inevitable in this state.
hmm... again I relate to the struggle.. computers for most are just a reality... for myself the only hope against unwanted habits is better habits....
As expected I watched porn this afternoon and then mo'd in the toilet while my partner is off doing her church thing (I am more or less an atheist, agnostic at best). This is soemthing of a routine for me on Sundays, and not even something I'm trying to fight really. I have done the 90 days before and to be ghonest all I got out of it was a sort of shallow ego boost, after which I thought, now what? aim for a year? Anyway things are ok at the moment, could be a lot worse. My anxiety is way down on years gone past, I think becuase I'm getting older and I'm not as poor and desperate as I used to be, and I have now come to terms with the fact I'll probably not realise the dreams I had as a kid, certainly not the ones related to sport or Hollywood anyway. I still hope to find that special 'one', but I feel a lot more relaxed about it than before. There have been a couple of women who I though may have been the one, but it just didn;t turn out as hoped, and I've moved on and all but forgotten about them, their memory not much more than a weakly painful remonder that in life nothing is guaranteed. l will have an attempt at a watercolour painting now, this is something I try to do every Sunday also, abeit a lot more productive and positive than looking at p vids.
Well I pmo'd again. Rather worryingly I went back to looking at the fetishistic stuff as the vanilla porn wasn't doing it for me. So this pretty much takes me back to square one. I guess I barely even care anymore. I mean I'm not rich enough to get on a plane and leave all this shit behind, I have to work and pay the bills. The other week I told my partner I was more or less no longer interested in a physical relationship with her anymore. I mean, there was never a huge spark there in the first place, but now there's pretty much none at all. Despite that, she still doesn;t seem to want to leave me, I guess I'm too much of a convenience. I suppose convenicnce is a lot better than conflict, but hardly the stuff of wonder or excitement. Life now seems like long periods of minor disspointments, punctuated by the occasional joyous or wondrous moment. It's like we live 80 years for a 1 day highlight reel that's worth writing about. Anyway I will enjoy what's left of my Sunday (my favourite day of the week by far), ciao.
You seem to be new at this. I'd like to share what's helped me refrain from porn. Have you got filtering on all your devices? Have you got plenty of other things to do than porn, other activities? Can you work on improving some part of your life? Have you got a life plan? I encourage you to keep trying. My life was so bad when I was PMOing every day or so, and now it's full of a lot more possibilities and a future. Maybe a list of downsides to porn, like as shame or uncertainty when talking to women, can help you quit. Keep trying. Don't give up!
Yeah this is good advice. You said you previously did 90 days and thought "now what"? It sounds like maybe you need a deeper sense of purpose. It is frightening and disheartening to be getting older and feeling as if you haven't lived life to your full potential. But your life isn't over, make the most of the time you have. Can you work towards improving yourself financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically? i.e. doing things that will make you feel better and give you a sense of direction. How is the painting coming along?
Thanks for the replies guys, all good points. I agree that making it to 90 days is no substitute for living a life of meaning and purpose, I guess this would apply to any addiction really. Like anyone I have my strengths and weaknesses. I am not especially good with people, I guess that makes porn enticing for me because I don't have to deal with women and the problems and difficulties inherent. I know they say the best way to deal with your issues is to face them head on, but I find work depletes so much of my energies that I'm like a shell outside of it. Pretty good man, seen as you were kind enough to ask I have attached one I did fairly recently
Nice one, that's a good effort. As someone who recently started dabbling in art (albeit oils, not watercolours) I can appreciate how difficult it is.
thank you, like learning guitar it's a tall mountain but a mostly enjoyable one. Yeah I think that is a realistic target, I will certainly try, I am a bit of an avoidant and I need to work on this as best I can, but in a realistic way, I feel when your goals are not realistic you just get turned off completely. How are things going for you?
I can understand that. Guess we just have to go easy on ourselves (which for me doesn't come naturally), and accept that things are going to go wrong now and again.
Well as I imagine has happened to many of you, the lockdown, social distancing thing has basically ended my attempts at no more porn. Fighting this almost seems as futile as fighting the internet itself. Is finding a lover the answer? Who knows, but I do feel lucky to be in at least reasonable physical health as I approach 42, and my financial situation is almost now at the point where it no longer dominates like a cruel tyrant every single decision I make. Of course, things can and do change quickly for the worse, but I'm starting to come to understand that we need to be ok with that too. Stress and panic are not generally wise or even productive really, certainly if stress is a motivator the downsides of it seem to make it not worth the price of any success it may bring.
I know what you mean. The lockdown has been really tough. It's made it easy for us to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for ourselves. There comes a point when we have to put the excuses to one side and take responsibility for the choices we are making. It's good that you are grateful for the positive things in your life such as your health and in recognizing that your financial situation is improving. Are you and your partner still together?
Partner arriving home late tonight and unusually for me I had a mid-week peek at some vids, normally I only browse on a Sunday or Saturday. That's not cool, and I am posting this to hold myself accountable for this lapse. Best thing I can do right now is shut the computer down, which I'm doing.
Partner away again. I'm browsing again, lurking on the internet, checking out brothel and massage websites, imagining myself walking up those dimly lit stairs, planning for it in advance, making sure no one sees as I sneak in like a pathetic reptile of the night. It's so tempting, just to throw it all away and do whatever I want, like I used to when I was young. This will pass, this feeling will pass and I'll shut this computer down, we can't control our thoughts but we can control how we act on them. Today was a stressful and difficult day at work and so it's understandable that I'm seeking an escape, I'm ok with that, feeling more peaceful and relaxed for this rant, this is helpful.
Feeling tired today. Worked up enough motivation to go for a workout and I think I used all my willpower doing that. Would like to do some painting but not sure if my brain is up to it today. So why the post? Well, partner went out after lunch and so I got onto the porn sites without a fight. Pattern is similar now. Starts with browsing vids, then cam girls, and these days I end up browsing escort sites at the end, I think because it makes me feel like I'm on the verge of getting the real thing. One thing I have managed to do is de-couple the viewing from masturbation, at least I don't do it simultaneously anymore. I know that's not exactly a great victory but I'll take any positives I can get these days. Some really stressful days at work lately and I can understand my need to escape from it all mentally at times. Feel like I've kind of hit my level with porn now, can't quit it but it doesn't seem to be doing as much damage as in the past. I did the 90 day challenge once and was just exhausted by the end of it, not sure it's the right strategy or not, anyway that's all for now.
