Hi all, Subterranean here. Some people might have seen my post in the addiction to porn section, but i’m starting fresh this morning. I went for ~50 days and some change followed by a couple relapses (which didn’t seem or feel like that big of a deal at the time). My biggest trigger is an emotional issue I have that I think has something to do with my self worth. The combination of relapses and circumstances has led me right back to where I started. After rereading YBOP material, I think it’s very obvious that my pathways are all messed up again from PMO. Having experienced the pretty drastic changes that 50 days can bring off of this shit makes me want to really put this thing down for good. It is intimidating because the first two weeks were so difficult coming out of that dark place that it feels safe to live here where i’m at right now. It almost feels normal again and that’s a scary thing for me. I feel like my true self and my soul are both suffering and wanting to be freed of this horrible addiction. After some time rebooting, I enjoyed spending time with women and spent more time than I ever had before with them (I’ve been shy in the past and get nervous around them easily, probably largely due to this addiction) which was great for my confidence. But it also let my guard down because when I was hooking up with them that addiction was still there and definitely shaped a good part of those intimate experiences, which I feel like healthy sexuality conflicts with. Right now I can conceptualize healthy sexuality but my brain is so warped and desensitized that my cravings and thoughts are totally blocking it. Looking forward, I think that I need to spend some time off of the dating apps for the first few weeks and focus more on building myself back up. For me this means gym time, personal reflection time, time for work and hobbies, eating healthy, being gentle with myself and most importantly staying focused on my goal of getting out of this dark place I’m in. The first couple weeks are soo difficult and I’m going to be especially challenged the first week. When I get triggered and feel like I’m going to give in i’m going to pull up this post and read this. Every time I relapse it digs me deeper into this dysfunction which has negative effects on my life and makes it harder to get out. It will get easier after these first 10-20 days but I have to get there on my own. If I don’t do this for myself I’ll continue to be addicted and my life will keep making me suffer because of it. The suffering feels okay because my brain has been heavily wired to crave more of this damaging and hurtful dysfunction which is VERY unhealthy for me in all aspects of my life. I’m feeling quite a few emotions. Mostly I feel numb as my head is pounding from a nasty relapse. I feel a lot of guilt that trickles out throughout the day and makes me feel bad and shameful. I also feel a gentleness of love that I am deciding to do this for myself again and am trying to commit to it for myself and all of the people around me. In the times that are the most difficult I ask for your prayers and any words of advice and support as I work my way out of this one. This first journal entry is important because it is a reminder that I have a problem that will not go away unless I let it recede naturally over at least 90-180 days. Even when I get around day 50, it is still lurking in me and I need to let the negativity dissipate naturally as god works to straighten me out. In those cases I ask him that he can give me the strength I need to make it through so I can be the person he wants me to be.