Rising from the ashes

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Subterraneon, Oct 21, 2019.

  1. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon Member

    Hi all,

    Subterranean here. Some people might have seen my post in the addiction to porn section, but i’m starting fresh this morning. I went for ~50 days and some change followed by a couple relapses (which didn’t seem or feel like that big of a deal at the time). My biggest trigger is an emotional issue I have that I think has something to do with my self worth. The combination of relapses and circumstances has led me right back to where I started.

    After rereading YBOP material, I think it’s very obvious that my pathways are all messed up again from PMO. Having experienced the pretty drastic changes that 50 days can bring off of this shit makes me want to really put this thing down for good. It is intimidating because the first two weeks were so difficult coming out of that dark place that it feels safe to live here where i’m at right now. It almost feels normal again and that’s a scary thing for me. I feel like my true self and my soul are both suffering and wanting to be freed of this horrible addiction.

    After some time rebooting, I enjoyed spending time with women and spent more time than I ever had before with them (I’ve been shy in the past and get nervous around them easily, probably largely due to this addiction) which was great for my confidence. But it also let my guard down because when I was hooking up with them that addiction was still there and definitely shaped a good part of those intimate experiences, which I feel like healthy sexuality conflicts with. Right now I can conceptualize healthy sexuality but my brain is so warped and desensitized that my cravings and thoughts are totally blocking it.

    Looking forward, I think that I need to spend some time off of the dating apps for the first few weeks and focus more on building myself back up. For me this means gym time, personal reflection time, time for work and hobbies, eating healthy, being gentle with myself and most importantly staying focused on my goal of getting out of this dark place I’m in.

    The first couple weeks are soo difficult and I’m going to be especially challenged the first week. When I get triggered and feel like I’m going to give in i’m going to pull up this post and read this. Every time I relapse it digs me deeper into this dysfunction which has negative effects on my life and makes it harder to get out. It will get easier after these first 10-20 days but I have to get there on my own. If I don’t do this for myself I’ll continue to be addicted and my life will keep making me suffer because of it. The suffering feels okay because my brain has been heavily wired to crave more of this damaging and hurtful dysfunction which is VERY unhealthy for me in all aspects of my life.

    I’m feeling quite a few emotions. Mostly I feel numb as my head is pounding from a nasty relapse. I feel a lot of guilt that trickles out throughout the day and makes me feel bad and shameful. I also feel a gentleness of love that I am deciding to do this for myself again and am trying to commit to it for myself and all of the people around me. In the times that are the most difficult I ask for your prayers and any words of advice and support as I work my way out of this one.

    This first journal entry is important because it is a reminder that I have a problem that will not go away unless I let it recede naturally over at least 90-180 days. Even when I get around day 50, it is still lurking in me and I need to let the negativity dissipate naturally as god works to straighten me out. In those cases I ask him that he can give me the strength I need to make it through so I can be the person he wants me to be.
  2. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon Member

    Day 1

    Today was surprisingly a great day! I’ve been looking at where i’m at and what I’ve been through and where I want to go. I had a moment earlier today when I was thinking “I know it won’t be easy but I’m not going to PMO ever again. I will have cravings that will be a rollercoaster, but I’m not going to suffer anymore from the guilt and energy-draining PMO cycle”. That thought was very freeing. I am a person who is addicted to PMO yes (accepting that part of me now), but I am a new person now who doesn’t have to be weighed down by that anymore. I can be nicer to people now and love others and myself more because although it is going to be very hard and full of opportunities where falling down again seems like what I want to do, I don’t watch porn and I don’t master bate, I don’t indulge in fantasies and I will get better at how I view other people over time.

    I also came across this resource that I found to be very helpful for me-


    Looking forward to seeing what the rest of my life looks like without this addiction.
  3. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon Member

    Day 3

    Doing a little better today. Still feel pretty low but not as bad as I did before. I’ve been taking care of myself but I still feel the heaviness and brain fog from all of the recent pmo’ing. Keeping at it, just wanted to share a quick update.
  4. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon Member

    Hi all,

    Was doing well but got drunk and had a hard relapse. In my mind I was convinced I was moving on from my old life but I have some deep fetishes that I can’t seem to overcome. I know this is bad but I’m not sure how to move on from my old life now because I know it runs deep. The only thing I can think of is for me to be clear headed (to know when I understand what’s going on with my addiction) during my reboot. But I normally drink to unwind and “give my brain a break” from my normal thinking patterns. I’m hoping I can find a way to get this break without this terrible habit of falling into a deep shameful depression. The truth is I don’t even feel that bad for relapsing right now, it just feels numb/normal and that is really scary to me. I want to be better. Just not totally sure how yet
  5. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon Member

    Day 2

    Things are hard and there’s a lot of urges (combined with some down time and being alone) but I’m trying to remind myself not to trust my brain because it is heavily unwired right now. Pushing past these cravings.
  6. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon Member

    Day 6

    Almost a week since I was back in that dark, painful place I go every time I relapse. These past few times were especially painful because I had went so far and it felt like I was back where I started. I definitely felt off but it’s amazing how some positive habits and no PMO can make you feel more confident and at ease with yourself. I want to work to overcome my drinking and PMO habits as hard as I can to really push myself towards who I know I am capable of being inside. Once I am more comfortable with that and no longer consider PMO to be an option, I think my life will greatly improve. Not saying I don’t have other issues to work on, but in these past few months I’ve really seen the extent of my addiction and how deep it goes and have seen what happens when that addiction subsided for a short amount of time. I feel like I am tired of suffering from it and I’m sure I’ll face temptations in the future but I hope to have the courage to put my wellbeing and health (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) first rather than short term reward:

    Pros of no PMO addiction
    -feel better about myself (not repulsed or ashamed)
    -no brain fog, a clear mind
    -my health steadily improves
    -hygiene seems more important, self care plays a bigger role in my life
    -I can work towards my goals and enjoy improving
    -greater enjoyment from my hobbies
    -connect with people easier
    -negative perceptions of women as objects is weakened
    -conversation comes easier
    -interpersonal relationships are natural
    -I feel healthier
    -I know I’m working towards something of value
    -spiritual well-being and closeness to a higher power
    -improved mood and generally more positivity. Can inspire positivity in others
    -more free time, more conscious of how I’m spending time
    -no more damage to my brain, which causes an absurd amount of problems
    -more attention from women, stronger desire to be around them
    -greatly improved creativity
    -better family relationship
    -don’t feel guilt when I’m pmoing and should be doing something else
    -don’t waste time feeling horrible after a relapse.
    -improved mood sets me up to try new things and improve on older things
    -more energy in the gym
    -more general drive over all

    Pros of PMO addiction (if I’m being honest)
    -drug-like brain overload of pleasure
    -numbness and zombie-like attention (don’t have to think about anything)
    -momentary escape from reality
    -confidence boost

    All of these pros only last for as long as the relapse and then you’re faced with an ugly wall of shame and guilt, negativity and loss of EVERYTHING from the list above. All of those PMO pros are the same as a drug addiction. Drug addiction only gets progressively worse. When you start pulling away, your brain remembers how good it felt and ONLY sees the PMO pros. In those moments I have to remember what I’m fighting for and can enjoy all of the benefits. Sometimes things get hard, but that’s life. Things will always change and you can count on life to change eventually when things are seeming dark. But when you have a streak going you can always get some positivity from it because you are giving yourself the self-love you deserve, free from the addiction. That’s who you were meant to be and that’s what I’m fighting for.
    -Luke- likes this.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    That's a really good summary. When we feel the temptation to watch porn we face the choice between feeling good for a while (as long as we can stretch the session basically) and the outlook of feeling good long-term, even If we feel a lot of pain right now. It's a choice between instant and guaranteed (but also very short) gratification and long-term (but maybe unknown) gratification. We have to be aware of the point before we make that choice, before we are going into automatic-mode.

    Keep going. I wish you only the best.

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