Rising From The Ashes

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by MindOverMasonry, Jul 6, 2018.

  1. I am carrying this over from the 20-24 rewiring league.

    This is Day 0:
    I just broke. However. My trip is on the 18th. I KNOW I will not be in working condition if I slip up even once until that time. My motivating factor is not to not be in dread. I can be quite comfy jerking off to porn, playing video games, working my job and hanging out with friends, sleeping with the odd girl here and there.

    My inner voice hears this dialogue and answers with a resounding FUCK NO.

    I will be amazing. I will be great. I will make myself a champion, the stuff of legends OR I will die trying and spend every waking moment dedicated to exercising my inner bitch. I'm either in the process or I'm not playing at all. One is acceptable and a birthright, one is confining myself to mediocrity.

    Also. Listening to Tolle and mediating an hour a day are clearly having a huge impact on my life and my thinking. It's still not enough though. It's not enough.
    I still get angry and feel that tension and tinge and one of the biggest differences between how I'm living now and two years ago is the lack of exercise. With these extended work hours I don't make time to hit the gym super hard and sweat out my anger and tension. And when that happens I kind of just implode...cave in on myself from stewing in the pressure.

    I'm going to start hitting the gym HARD. I'm talking 5-6 days a week consistency. This will require the correct diet. Done. And correct sleeping patterns. On the way. There is a constructive outlet for all of my energy...and then there is porn.

    I have no doubt in my mind that this will GREATLY impact my meditation. Put me more in touch with my body and grant me greater knowledge, mental and emotional control.
  2. Also as fire as diet goes. My supplements are essential.

    I'm going to research blood alkalinity. While meditating and becoming more attuned to my body...I've noticed there are times in the day, specifically after a very greasy or salty meal, that my blood feels salty.
    It's a strange feeling to describe, it feels like the liquid flowing through my body is heavy and hot. This most likely comes from some sort of heartburn, indigestion or otherwise...I don't know...I'm going off a feeling but I will find and quantify this through research.

    Either way, easy diet currently, just vegetables and eggs. Other meals fruits and vegetables. I also will grant myself one meal a day to eat whatever I want for the time being. I will either decide after trying this that it's working for me, or that this one meal also needs to be eliminated.
    I will get fancier with meat, sweet potatoes, and perhaps even seasoning later.
    However for now I am looking to cut any seasoning, sugars and otherwise processed foods.
    Simple and easy. My main priority is feeling good in my own body.

    I have absolutely no issue doing this. One of the things I have been gifted with is that I can and do enjoy eating raw Kale and other vegetables with minimal preparation. Health baby.
  3. Right now I just finished eating. I'm going to go mediate but I also have this voice saying I want to play video games for just 10 minutes. It won't hurt.

    In the name of asking quality questions, to understand the reasoning behind why I'm doing what I'm doing I ask myself why. But in this regard, I'll keep it simple, how am I going to feel if I play for 10 minutes? probably no difference. Now how will I feel if I just go and jump straight into what I know is of higher priority for my life, my development? Good. I will feel fucking fantastic. I won't feel titillated or stimulated...no. I will feel like I did what I had to do.
    And so the answer is, my actions are either building towards my momentum or taking away from it, because anything that keeps me in the same place instead of advancing me is literally killing me.

    The conclusion to all of this is. I will forego pointless gratification for feeling good about myself.
  4. Day 1:

    Got home and I’m flying through turbulence, the negativity is almost like thick dark clouds that are obscuring my judgement and better thought process. I decide to sit down and meditate because past a certain point being in this headspace becomes suffocating.

    I’m sitting for an hour nothing’s really helping. I almost fall asleep about 3-4 times, jutted awake by the feeling of my own body about to keel over. I did work a long day. There is a distinct feeling of tension, that I’ve been labelling as fear going on in my core. It’s energy that should be released. The meditation didn’t help and so I try a lying meditation. It’s less intensive and there is a chance I’ll fall asleep and wake up and this storm will be over. Initially I lay down, I can feel my hands and feet very well. This is essential to my meditative practice as body awareness draws energy from identification with thought forms. I feel my hands and feet then nod off very slightly, still totally unclear and erratic thought patterns. At the 10 minute mark the guided meditation ends and my alarm rings. I come to with this pressure still in my core and so decide to go one more round. I do this back and forth for about 30 minutes or so. Until I finally come to and decide this isn’t working. However, I’ve isolated how unpleasant my body feels and decide to go for a run. I haven’t had any physical activity in almost two weeks due to my tattoo so I think maybe that will solve the issue.

    As I run I I start observing my thoughts. Objectively non-judgementally. This dialogue emerges. I hate everyone. I hate everything. This negative spew is just cycling through my head over and over like a washing machine with an unbalanced load.

    As I’m running I ran through the 1.5 mile mark and I start getting a clearer head. By the time I’m finishing up the 4.5 mile mark everything seems so much clearer and lighter. Everything seems to make sense again.

    And so the following thoughts occur to me:

    1. I want to take care of my body not because I want tothers to see it and be attracted. I want to have the best functioning piece of hardware I can possibly maintain. I want to feel strong and ready at a moments notice, I want to be healthy, that’s the primary thing, big muscles are a part of that as well as the testosterone running through my system. I want to be ready for my mission. Capable, strong, healthy. Ready to tackle any challenge. I am a physical entity first.

    2. Here when I am visualizing myself as the epitome of health, no part of it is associated with having my self image reinforced by other people. In my visualization nobody is staring at me. In fact there is nobody else there. All I see, all I feel in fact is a sense of strength and that manifests itself in a rightfully fit form. The focus is the feeling in fact. And this must be the difference between visualization and future projection. I am guiding myself to a feeling that I can follow to a result. Like when I am visualizing game. The correct way to do it is to feel in my body what it’s like in the moment to seduce the woman, how I would emotionally react, how I feel in my body, how I feel in the environment. Future projection and craving is the same context however the focus is how cool I look, the emotions other people are feeling when they see me and so the emotions I feel in reaction to their image of me. It’s vampiric.

    3. When I get stuck in those thought loops it’s okay. It will happen again. I just observe. No need to judge myself. It is the reactive pattern. It’s not me. I would never consciously make myself suffer.

    4. There are two kinds of men in life. Alpha or Beta. I will admit to myself. The way I reacted to her and what I turned into in the relationship was a beta. The blame is not on her. There are two kinds of guys. Ones that pine over a single girl and can’t let her go. And the ones that have girls flocking around them for their choosing to do whatever they want with. I sacrifice my identity. I want to win. If that means becoming somewhat of an asshole, unafraid to speak my mind, unafraid to make other people uncomfortable so be it. If that means breaking a couple hearts so be it.

    The beta will be fawning over one girl, sweating and investing emotions over her then be resentful and hateful when she rejects him, women are fickle creatures. Then theres the alpha who has his pick of women, gets the best from women, they will give him all the sex he wants and they will get their heart broken eventually by him, that's a-okay. I'd rather be the alpha regardless of "morals" fuck it.

    5. I don’t want relationships. I want consistent sex whenever I want, I want shit on my terms, fuck relationships. Emotional connections are great, they’re amazing but “relationships” as modern society perceives them are bullshit. I refuse to get into another contractual agreement. I either want to do something or I don’t and getting locked down to one woman and the societal obligations that come with that are bullshit. A partnership can even work but I refuse to have another girlfriend. Maybe a female partner, a badass in her own right.

    6. There is no one path. There is no panacea. Meditatin won’t get me there. NoFap won’t get me there. Game won’t get me there. Being popular won’t get me there. Working out won’t get me there. Proper diet and supplements won’t get me there. Being on top of my daily tasks won’t get me there. These are all spokes of my life that I maintain and keep up to be the high achiever I want to be. I don’t focus on one and drop the others. I consistently hammer all of them.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2018
  5. Also as I was sitting down right now. I had the urge to say fuck it and again play video games first. "I need a break after all the work I did" negative. This is a thought manifestation form the resistance I feel to sit down and do work. I will sit down and do the work. I can just easily ignore these thoughts and proceed to doing what I want to do regardless of how I feel, whether I feel like doing it or not, or whether the task is easy or not. Just do the work.
  6. Also when I come across my urges for porn. It's quite simple. I tell myself no and mean it.
  7. Day 1: again.

    Okay so. While meditating this came to me. I am again observing my mind, everything is chill then I watch the thoughts start flowing to my ex. "she's a secret slut" my mind says followed by all the mental movies of her cheating on me accompanying thoughts at that frequency. However, I am coming to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. Not so much that it doesn't matter, just there are deeper more profound truths, there is a paradigm a step above getting stuck in a woman's nature.

    Yes, all the things my mind is telling me are things that I've observed...that doesn't make them objectively true and I'm going to have to make some logical leaps here because I haven't observed these things yet but it does make sense. Getting stuck on my ex's infidelity, or her nature and propensity for sexual deviance...is missing the forest for a tree. A war for a single battle. So we broke up. What now. I can never stop a woman from cheating. But what I can do is understand that in the grand scheme of things what matters most is what action I take NOW. I think I have been indoctrinated (either from Disney, or my parents or w.e. else) since a child to believe that a woman will be my salvation. A relationship will be my happiness. I am wrong. Nothing is permanent. Especially not an individual's emotions towards me, and my emotion towards them. I can never guarantee I won't be cheated on. And in fact all I can do is learn from the past. All I can do is open myself up to what lessons can be salvaged, only in so far as can my past in help me figure out a current solution. And if not delving into it is pointless. I will never solve my issues by going into the past.

    There's a reason I'm not going to Jihad for the answers I know he has. I'm not interested in anchoring my current paradigms on anyone else's thinking. I know I could go to him and he would give me the proper answers. Fuck that though. I don't want anyone else to grant me peace of mind. I will make my own answers. And I don't have them currently. But getting stuck on my ex or my current perspective on women and any resentment I'm still holding on to will do me no good. There is only one solution and that is the same one that I've been putting off this entire time. Game. I'm going to game. AND I'm going to come out the other end having forged my own answers to all these questions regarding women, relationships, fidelity, emotions etc...
  8. Also. I came home high yesterday and admittedly ended up watching Porn. However, even in that high state I have clearly made progress. I now have enough mental control to tell myself no even from an impulsive state. I see it. NO. I tell myself. I eventually ended the usual arousal loop I get myself into that ends in relapsing several times. I snapped myself out of it and went to listen to music and then went to sleep.

    It's almost like conditioning a dog. It's quite simple, only caveat is that the mental control and discipline has to be built throughout my life. It's a momentum. It's consistent.

    I saw a window open this morning from last night, I thought about watching it for a second, I've clearly been allowing myself to impulsively and compulsively watch porn without much mitigation lately. I told myself no and closed the window. I have greater things to accomplish and watching porn slows me down.
    I could jerk off right now, but also I'm going to regret it later, why? because I won't be as motivated, I'll have brain fog, I will feel socially awkward and not worthy, I won't be motivated to game. There are more fulfilling things in life.

    Consistency is the mother of Congruence.
  9. Confidence is not an epiphany. It's earned. I have self-doubts. I will earn my confidence through adversity. Coming out the other side is the only way to live.

    Also how I feel about a situation should have very little bearing on the action I decide to take.
  10. Feeling Realization: Presence cannot be grasped by the mind. I can talk about it, try to understand it, seek to quantify it. However ultimately I cannot experience it with my mind. Because when I am present there is no mind to think "hmmm I am so present right now" one negates the other.
    As soon as I have a thought I am out of no mind. As soon as I am present I have no thoughts.

    When listening to Eckharte mentalizing the concepts and words he's saying is no good. I am present, as in fully open to his words. I am accepting new programming with no internal mental/emotional resistance to it. This is voluntary on my part as I am choosing to put myself into a sense of presence and accept his words.
    Then once I've accepted the programming I don't try to understand it with the mind. Rather I carry it throughout my day and notice more and more of my own patterns. Patterns that I was previously unaware of. This is why immersion is so important as well as listening to Eckharte in different settings. Definitely in settings where I know I am prone to unconscious behavior due to previous conditioning (driving is one).

    It's like phobia treatment. Systematic desensitization except the thing I am treating is my reaction to my own mind.
  11. Hmm. Got back from class today. Video taped some rapping. My voice was much higher than what I would like it to be.
    Granted I was tired, dehydrated and slightly stressed.

    My voice reached an optimal depth 2 years ago where I had totally seduced my ex over the phone. Then gradually with additional stress, AND smoking. I regressed.

    I want my deep voice back. It reflects how I feel on the inside. not only that. The voice I speak with is my identity. It slowly changes my own perceptions of myself and from there my thoughts, as well as the way people perceive me which creates a feedback loop for me to embrace what my new identity is.

    All that being said. When I did speak in class today. I felt my voice carry and fill up the room MUCH better than before. I also can't confirm it but I felt more confident in it's depth reading today. Everything came out easier and smoother. I had more control of my voice essentially. I attribute that to the vocal drills as well as then following up with the verbal drills to make that my natural speaking register. The diaphragm exercises with the ultra-breathe are also doing wonders. I feel the ability to intake a greater amount of air. Also when I start with the guttural humming drill I feel myself being able to project more and blow out air at a much greater capacity.
    By doing these drills who knows what my voice could be like in a month, 2 months, 6 months, a year? If I do them consistently the sky is the limit. Adrian told me that Austin showed him his voice from 2 years prior to their boot camp and it was way higher. So it must be a mix of working the vocal chords as well as learning to naturally speak from a lower register such as chest voice. My issue from my ex was that my new identity hadn't yet sunk in so once stressed I reverted to a high voice.

    Also note. I am doing this for myself. I am good enough to fuck girls right now without any of this training. And in fact I have. But I wan't to be the absolute best I can be.

    I want to keep working on my voice, the following push me towards that goal
    -vocal drills
    -adding muscle to my body
    -meditation and relaxation
    -neck excercises
  12. Day 3:

    Hit a wall today. Fee absolute shit. The anxiety I felt today got bad enough to disable me. It's okay though, I sat with it, I tried to meditate, I tried to emote and act it out. It got worse. But again. that's okay. I'm learning to deal with my emotion instead of medicating and masking it.

    With time I will only become more adept letting the energy flow through my body. I also have to remember I'm on 5 hours of sleep as well and this is usually the day where I start to feel the crashes from porn wearing off. Doesn't matter. I didn't relapse. I had the urge to. Yes. I even pulled up a porn twitter account. As soon as I felt that high feeling arise though I instantly closed it and strengthened my resolve. There will be greater waves to navigate across. I want to learn to do it with grace and efficiency.

    I noticed a stunning woman today. One that truly excited me. Everything from her composition made me wish I had the ability and self worth to approach her and seduce her all the way through to seeing her true colors. A composition like that matched with the mental and emotional attributes that I want would be incredible. Sufficed to say, when I put porn down I open myself up to all the other experiences I am supposed to be having with women. Each woman I see that strikes me in this way, not just a random she's cute, but rather one that strikes me in a particular way, each one of those is an avenue I feel faith wants me to explore. I feel a greater force, a greater magnetism hidden behind these women. I am definitely assigning too much emotional significance to it, but I do feel this way.

    Also. My parents got back from their trip. And I instantly noticed how I'm off in a worse mood. The environment they are used to living in is definitely toxic. And without a doubt it is affecting me. The constant complaining, the focus on the negative. They live in this space mentally and emotionally. It is toxic. Just sitting in a car with them fro about 5 minutes and I felt drained. Same thing today. The never-ending familial drama. My brother was chasing my dad around the house bothering him to get his Ipod back.

    Thought to ponder: outside of just my parent's toxicity. I get into some sort of weird role. Even though I might be feeling fine I want to start playing the victim or something akin to it. This probably drains my emotional resources in addition to the environment. Chances are if I can eliminate this the environment and my parents will become alot more bearable.

    I see this and want to go show my parents how to fucking properly parent the child. But I will keep reminding myself it's not my place to do so. It's not my responsibility. It simply is unhealthy for me to interject here and show them the correct way. I have my mission and my own well-being comes before all of theirs. I am only responsible for me and foolishly trying to help someone else when I'm operating off reduced emotional resources is a fool's errand. It will simply drain me and end up getting lackluster results.

    Going forward I will ignore any inclinations I feel to interject with parenting my brother. When he is acting out of line or when he is doing something I don't agree with. I refuse to take action. For my own sake. My energy is better spent elsewhere.
    Also I noticed. THe desire to look cool (i.e. buying clothes) to reinforce the self-image paradigm, eating processed food, watching numbing youtube programming, video games, porn, alcohol, drugs, friends, sex.
    These can all be used to numb myself. If I don't deal with my emotions correctly they will get stored as muscular tension and then eventually the tension will be too much t ignore and I will either dive into addiction or look for increased stimuli.
    No. I refuse to keep medicating.
    The key is. Proper diet, exercise, meditation. And I will keep developing my mental-emotional control until trivial things and minor annoyances don't bother me. This is the way. To be free of fear.

    It is also key to head into unconsciousness courageously. When I feel unconsciousness, anxiety, tension or boredom. This does not mean it's time to zone out and watch YouTube or numb myself. On the contrary. An excellent opportunity has been presented to me, a cloud to clean up, a blind spot, a tuft of unconsciousness. And by becoming present in this instance I am clearing up more unconsciousness and a step closer towards generalizing presence and self awareness to be carried across all mental/emotional states, stimuli and environments.

    What got to me today? My contract is ending. I'm going to have to look for a new job and possibly go broke. Something reminded me of my ex and I started feeling sad. There was more that I forget.

    The point is I was identified with my mind for the duration of these fearful thoughts. They are in the future. I am in the here and now. Not only are they fabrications of the mind. It is impossible for me to deal with them. They are delusions.
    When I am in a present state and apply what I'm learning. I have faith in myself to face these challenges. In fact I look forward to them. I relish who I am going to be coming out of them. Contract expiring? good. I'm going to catapult myself to new earning potential and move out. Wouldn't that be wonderful. I use the "problem" circumstance to fuel an upwards spiral. Ex hates my guts? good. I'm going to take what I learned and find someone better and be better for her.

    The main issue is the time bound problem making mind. The other issues are all interchangeable. Until I have dealt with my mind I will always find a problem to be upset over.

    Finally. I am noticing yet another tendency of my mind to tell stories and mental movies. Good or bad it doesn't matter. They are all lies. The truth is refreshing. The truth is a breath of fresh air. I will watch these unconscious fantasies and observe them as a non-judgmental, impartial witness.
  14. Final thought:
    I've noticed the unconsciousness tendency to release trough those same mental movies. However also when I am meditating I noticed I will twitch my neck and I take my attention to the body there will definitely be an undercurrent of unease or tension.
    Same thing with compulsively circling when I want to stand still.
    Other neurotic idiosyncrasies.
    I am most likely addicted to stress and cortisol. When I catch myself in these behaviors I will take my attention into my body and relax it. This is a continuous practice. Over time I will become calmer and stop he mental feedback loop that is most likely releasing either cortisol or adrenaline throughout the day.
    This will lead to a much happier, healthier, more ready and more calm, peaceful and creative me.
  15. I feel pretty bad anxiety. Tried running didn't help, cold shower, didn't help, meditated for an hour didn't help. and so what? am I going to let this anxiety stop me, slow me down or paralyze me any longer. What if I'm infield and have women throwing shit my way.

    Fuck it. It's a little inconvenience, like a broken leg. It will not stop me. All I need is an attitude adjustment
  16. Interesting to look back at where my head was last July. I don't much care to read it honestly, much growth has happened since then..but also much has stayed the same. I still struggle with porn on and off. I've had an easier time dealing with is since my meditative practice and total emotional improvement. However, I also go on binges and when I fall off the wagon so to speak I find it difficult to get back on.

    Yet this is just another habit to change. Another learned way to observe and not react to the urge. And so. I begin this journey again. I feel and hope and am determined to make it the final time, though if it is not..I will keep fighting and I will keep tussling with it. I refuse to quit. I will win.

    This is Day 0. My aim is 60 days. Let's get it started boys.

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