Rewiring my HOCD brain at 39

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Fairview, May 9, 2020.

  1. Fairview

    Fairview New Member

    Day 7 of a rewire, after looking at and no fap and being actively involved in an SAA meeting at least once a week.

    All the way from South Africa

    My porn journey started by coming across dirty mags somewhere around 12. It remained a fascination, but it was always printed stuff. Growing up in a religious household, sex was for marriage and not really discussed.

    I was always a little unsure of myself, looking up to older boys early in puberty and comparing myself to them in the normal way, but especially penis size. I am normal in that department, but the brain can do funny things. I learnt to avoid difficult emotions through avoidance and so my first physical sexual experience was late 20's with a girl. I dated a few girls in my 30s,
    with mostly oral sex and feelings of guilt to go all the way. I always looked at porn, which escalated to gay porn and my tastes definitely evolved.

    So much so, that after a failed relationship - I decided to get onto Grindr and get easy anonymous sex with men. That escalated and made me miserable - from a conservative, goody two shows to someone who has had sex with over 50 men mostly 2-3 years ago - I felt absolutely desperate. The sex was never emotionally attached. And very easy. I have never felt predominantly gay, and definitely not exclusively.

    So here I am, taking a complete break from PMO and looking on with interest to see how my tastes rewire. I would love to settle down with a woman and have kids, and time is running out. If porn is crack cocaine, the hookup apps is something like heroin I suppose.

    On day 7 and feeling great. The suggestion not to touch my junk at all has really helped.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Fairview!
    Great to see you’re truly working towards having a healthy (sexual) life.

    I can totally understand where you’re coming from with sex not being discussed. I’ve had the exact same thing growing up. It’s a common mistake among religious households and it leads to young men and woman not knowing how to properly channel their sexual energies. I’m happy that a lot of churches are becoming aware of this and are now giving proper education on this.

    Best of luck to you on your journey!
  3. Fairview

    Fairview New Member

    Thanks @BoughtWithBlood
    It is encouraging to hear that education is happening. Would love to find out what format that takes.
    It is one of my main frustrations with the church, they seem not to have the tools to deal with all the challenges people face, and stick to an old fashioned model - rabbit in the headlights
    Churches with brutal vulnerability and honesty are rare
    Thanks for the support
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I can completely understand your frustration. More and more the church is becoming aware that it’s not about religion (just doing as you’re told or you’ll be punished) but about relationship (actually knowing God and wanting to do the right thing, cause that’s what brings true joy). It says in scripture that He will write his laws on our hearts and minds. Hebrews 10:16-17. For me that means I no longer want to sin. Not because I fear punishment, but because I love God and I hate being away from Him. Sin damages my relationship with Him. Sin quite litetally means: ‘missing your goal’.

    It’s a shame that churches with true vulnerability and honesty are rare. We’re called to be a light in the world. Not covering up our mistakes and not admitting them. Not by shaming or judging people either.

    There was a sermon I listened to the other day by Steven Furtick called: ‘Singleness, Sex and Self-Control’. It’s on youtube if you’re interested. In the sermon he says (sexual) passion is like a fire. Fire is good! It gives warmth, light, etc. He then goes on to start stacking up wood on stage, to make a fire. Everyone understands that that’s a terrible idea, it would burn the place down!

    He explains that fire is good within safe parameters. Like a fireplace in your home. If it is not for safe parameters, the consequences can be desastreus. like a wildfire for example. So sex is good within the safe covenant of marriage. It brings intimacy, pleasure, it can bring forth new life, etc. God made this, it’s wonderful. He also explains why it’s stupid for the church to shame on people when they don’t build those safe parameters. It only makes things worse! The solution he gives to single people struggling, is to find a passion in what builds up, and fight fire with fire. In this case he means a passion for the Lord, but for non-christians that would mean finding a passion that brings fulfillment to your life. Pretty much like what you can read on the forums. Don’t focus on the negative, focus on what you want to build.
    Fairview likes this.

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