Rewiring by Vipassana

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by RusselZausel, Dec 17, 2015.

  1. RusselZausel

    RusselZausel New Member

    updated 24/07/16 post below

    I dont want to make this a long post because i have no desire to go into details, mechanics and things like this, ill give you cliffs of my story.

    [x] PMO since 13
    [x] Developed problematic fetishes @ age 24
    [x] OCD @ age 25
    [x] Fapped alot
    [x] Multiple Failed nofap attempts, longest streaks being 10-14 days
    [x] Studied neuroscience, behavioral biology etc
    [x] Hated the addiction & considered suicide
    [x] Started meditating alot @ 27
    [x] Won?

    Only thing that seemed to be countering the addiction was meditation, i had practised the most basic meditation on breath, casually for a couple years since age of 24, and i decided to cultivate this as last resort because my every other attempt to modify behavior fell short.

    I started to study Theravada Buddhist view on addiction, and adapted their meditation techniques, it was making sense to me. It took alot of study time,
    meditation, patience and determination but i conquered by learning first hand and objectifying my views.

    Sexuality as a physical addiction has velocity to it, so im still not fully at peace, there are dreams, daydreams, wet dreams, urges, there is still sexuality and sexuality is problematic, but its all residual and i am dealing with it.

    Its a long tactical battle against one's own conditioning.
  2. Giuseppe Garibaldi

    Giuseppe Garibaldi [url=

    Thanks for the input.
  3. celiberations

    celiberations New Member

    Can you please tell more about your journey and experience - Which Theravada/Buddhist books you found helpful? Which meditation school are you practising, where did you learn? How many hours do you meditate? Do you go on long 10, 30 day courses?...

    I have attended a course of Goenka's Vipassana. I don't meditate regularly but I try to apply its principle of mindfulness. I am reading Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana and find it to be very good. Mindfulness exercises given here gave me better idea on being mindful in day-to-day activities.
  4. jdKush

    jdKush New Member

    Hi there RusselZausel

    I also want to do meditaition ad i did it now for the last 5 days. So i have not really any expirience, but some Questions.

    When i start meditating, i close my eyes and concentrate on my breath. However after some "breathing" the front of my Head

    starts feel weird am im getting dizzy. Im using the Method of Jon Kabbat (

    Have you felt something like this? Because i really want to integrate Meditation in my daily life, but im not quite shure

    if i am doing it right (i just follow the book but there isnt anything written about feeling dizzy for example).

    Would love to hear from you :)
  5. RusselZausel

    RusselZausel New Member

    1) Im practicing Mahasi Sayadaw's Teachings. Initially i found a ton of video's by Venerable Yuttadhammo on youtube.
    He has "Ask A Monk Series", and alot of videos dealing with addiction even specifically PMO.

    There are also "How to Meditate" videos on his videos,
    this is where i started. Mahasi Sayadaw has written many excellent books, there is also the Vissuddhimagga.

    3) I have no idea off the top of my head. Its not about quantity anyway. I went from 10 minutes once a day, to eventually doing 1-2 hours a day, and i plan to try doing 8+ a day as an experiment.

    4) No i have not, although i plan to go on a two months retreat next year and maybe complete a teacher's course. I think one can practise at home but a retreat has more optimal conditions. However i imagine the contrast can be quite extreme if one is a beginner.

    I have had many amazing, interesting, painful, scary, blissful and weird experiences. However i dont practise that kind of meditation, so i have no idea what your experience was.

    There are two basic meditation types, Vipassana (Insight to train Wisdom/Understanding) and Samatha (Tranquility to train Concentration).
    I have no experience with Goenka's Method of Vipassana, but it seems to me that it deviates slightly more from what we know to be thought by Buddha. I would also keep away from anything that costs money to learn.

    However we should focus on Insight to dismantle the addictions, for this purpose i recomend sticking with Mahasi's school, the meditation is a mix of Samatha and Vipassana at ratio ~20/80(?) and this is what worked for me.

    GL guys
  6. Zooloo

    Zooloo New Member

    What do you mean by velocity?
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    I think it's the idea that you have to reap what you have sowed all these years. The habits are formed and internalized by your being - even if you start practicing good and healthy habits, you will still be fighting the fruits of the old ones for a period of time. But slowly, they will decrease, as you are now also planting ''good'' seeds and they too will start blooming. If you've indulged in addictive behavior for years - it has a certain momentum to it which takes time to stop (urges / obsessive thoughts about sexuality / etc.)

    Maybe I'm wrong but I think that's kind of what he meant.
  8. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    You said sexuality is problematic.
    Is sexuality problematic or your relationship to it?
  9. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Thank you for posting the link to the videos.

    I immediately went to see his thoughts on tantric sex. Pretty amazed with the answer. Saw a few more videos. Pretty impressed with the insights. Makes a lot of sense to me on all the videos I looked. Also in the video of the meditation. Never thought about it that way. Makes sense.
  10. RusselZausel

    RusselZausel New Member

    To be precise sexuality is sexuality. Problematic part is the uncontrollable aspects of it. Lust is escalating and sex seems to become a go-to thing when we want to feel good. Our judgements of things being a turn on are subjective and that gets us into trouble.

    The video below is very good if one can understanding from a meditative point, take notes guys:)
  11. RusselZausel

    RusselZausel New Member

  12. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Thanks for the reply. I remember watching that video like a year ago!

    When do you find sex/lust becomes "uncontrollable" for you? Does it vary?

    How much do you meditate? Do you wish to completely abstain from sex?

    I wish you health and happiness in 2016!
  13. Thankyou for sharing this video. It has opened up my mind.
  14. Hey, this video has helped me so much of late. Thanks for sharing this.
  15. RusselZausel

    RusselZausel New Member

    Updating! Almost a year since i started at the lowest point!

    Incredible changes have taken place.

    I have not undertaken to M for ~ 3 months and i dont have any significant desire to undertake to masturbate anymore, even morning erections have become comfortable and are no longer a battle with urges. Nor have a watched any porn in last 4 months. Desire to PM still arises very rarely and is relatively easy to deal with. Last time it happened was on 12th day of hardmode and due to extreme trigger, I have no doubt that it will be completely uprooted eventually if not soon.

    I have a sexual partner and i dont have as much fantasies etc during sex, there is still residue of fetishes but id say its honestly like ~ 1/1000th what it was, doesnt usually come up and just seems silly. Sex now is a very pure experience to that extent. I dont have sex every week even tho its always available, usually for the last 6 months there are streaks of hardmode 3,7,14 days with like a week of sex in between, partner is ok with it and sex is good, abundant and relationship to it is relaxed. I choose naturally to go on these streaks to focus on meditation and to keep investigating and reevaluating sexuality, it is not out of necessity. I do think that i need longer streaks to really face and do away with all craving for sex.

    Biggest change is my view of sex, i dont rate it very high anymore, hardly ~3/10 as far as pleasure goes.

    I plan to further investigate the sexuality and will probably end up giving it up eventually. A goal for next year is to do a 120 days streak and a 6 months streak, but at that point id probably be seriously planning for monkhood and a life of celibacy because the GF wont be ok with it.

    I did the reboot diffrently than standard no PMO for X days approach, i dont think my way was easier for it required a comperhensive and consistent meditation practise, it worked for me and seems to be more of a fundamental change than mere supression IMHO. I could definitely stop here at this point as i feel really healthy, more or less like pre PMO :eek: , but i dont want to stop because no area of my life has remained unaffected in a positive manner and i want see how far this takes me.

    I want to reassure other guys who struggle with the sex addiction, that it is not as hopeless as it seems even when serious fetishes are involved, one can get rid of it for good without having to live in denial for the rest of ones life!

    I find it really heartbreaking to see how many of us feel ashamed, beaten, like losers because of inability to decondition these behaviours and being helpless victims to sensual urges, porn and mental constructs. I often find myself thinking of all the guys still struggling with these states and i hope the way out will become clear to as many people as possible!

    I wish all of u good luck.
    That_guy likes this.
  16. MG

    MG New Member

    Great read.

    I myself have been trying meditation. I am on day 88 no PMO, i still have sex with my partner but am attempting to limit myself, almost 2 weeks since the last time i had sex.

    My sleep quality has been poor during this reboot, also experienced streaks of extreme anxiety and depresssion. I feel the meditation does help, but it needs practice and consistancy.

    My daily schedual only alows for 10/20 min in the morning amd evening.

    Please keep us updated on your path, have you exerienced any withdrawls?

    Also, what is your take on fasting? I believe it can be very spiritual and aids meditation. Its also be proven to help addiction recovery.

    Keep it up and good luck.
  17. RusselZausel

    RusselZausel New Member

    I think most likely symptom for me was irritability but i cant really say for sure if it was a withdrawal symptom, im tempted to claim that I did not experienced much direct withdrawals quitting porn and fapping, it was very gradual process. I did get irritable, angry and anxious but i honestly think life in general has that effect on me especially if i dont meditate. Conventional socializing is very stressful in general.

    I just followed the PM Addiction advices in the video above, focusing alot on experiences of seeing the porn, sensations of fapping, liking of it, wanting, feelings of shame and guilt, back and forth for months. Eventually i just lost desire for porn. Another thing i found helpful was talking to people about it with enthusiasm and in great detail, that really helped i think. Discussing nofap and porn addiction with friends and family was really weird but very helpful imo.

    I have tried water fasting and intermittent fasting schedules like not eating after noon and having last meal of the day some 8-12 hours before going to bed. I learned alot about my body and the need for food from doing it. My own take on it is that i can live on one meal a day if my lifestyle allows for it. However If i do work or physical activity i need adequate amount of food to sustain it.

    Ive talked gf into doing 3 weeks of celibacy couple days ago and will give general update as it unfolds.

    Idk what kind of meditation technique you use but my experience is that more meditation definitely helps with anxiety and negative states. I get caught up in negative mindstates quickly if i socialize and dont counter it with meditation. I found that 1h total is ok to keep it going, 2h makes me feel relatively calm and i feel daily progress, at 3h i feel calm and make good gains, 3+ is when one really starts to feel restfulness (needing significantly less sleep). Ive done some days of 4-7 hours and a 7 day period of 12-18h which was amazing and i found that i only needed ~3 hours of sleep on those days because mind doesnt really get tired if one doesnt let it wander and ruminate all day.

    good luck
  18. MG

    MG New Member

    Thanks for the insight - really helpfull. 1, 2 and 3 hours of meditation is very impression - i admire that, well done.

    I'll watch the videos you attached. Thank you
  19. RusselZausel

    RusselZausel New Member

    Two years in i think i should update. Compared to how it was i think my addictions are becoming weak. I have done several 3-4 week periode of abstinence from pmo and it is quite manageable at this point but i can't help but think that full abandonment is within reach and is a superior solution. I think a 90-120 day hardmode reboot would be the most appropriate next step.
  20. That_guy

    That_guy Member

    Would be interested to hear about the OCD you mentioned in your first post? Still experience any? If not, what helped? Any OCD and PMO correlation for you?

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