REVENGE JOURNAL.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by APA, Jul 27, 2018.

  1. APA

    APA Member

    APA
     
  2. APA

    APA Member

    back again RELAPSED need to get back up . Need To RECLAIM what has been lost . The confidence , the purity , the clarity , the self esteem .Going for 90 days again.
     
  3. APA

    APA Member

    day 1,
    The day was really bad, missed a lots of commitment, called my colleague that i cannot come to work on the project , had to deliver some things somewhere i was not available, rather i was in my room , i was scared , i was feeling insecure , stayed in my room thinking i would be able to regain my energy . My friend was passing by so he visited me that made me come back to reality. The evening prayer also hepled. But i was very low and still felling unmotivated to do lots of things . i am feeling very weak from inside.
     
  4. APA

    APA Member

    Day 2,
    i was alone without a partner for sometime maybe that was the reason i relapsed in the first place alongwith some other minor factors.Gained little momentum as somethings were untangled and i started to come out of my shell . Woke up at around 9 completed a deadline in almost two hours. Huge burden was lifted off my shoulder . Listened to some positive stuff . Prayers in the mosque were very healing . I had some healthy socializing there. i was humbled from inside and surprisingly things were getting better. i was getting back in my old routine . things were going good . I was thinking i will sleep early with a book by myside and wake up early the next day. but a friend of mine came to discuss some work with me , he left at 11.30 so i wasted some more time after that and slept after 12.00
     
  5. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    APA is your wife aware of the fact that that you were an addict sometime back. You are already very much clean so a relapse would effect the you emotionally than in terms of your physical energy.
     
  6. APA

    APA Member

    Day 3,4,5.
    Things are better sailing more smoothly as compared to couple of days ago. I havee learnt somethings .
    1. Identifying the weak points .
    a. I am the weakest when i wake up late without any further routine in my mind. At that time my mind is lost and wandering . I am hit by the waves of pmo and fantasy the most. That happened to me yesterday . But it was for some minutes , i got up and went out to do some work because i had a deadline to meet and surprisingly as i changed my environment pmo and fantasy thing vanished completely.
    Solution: once we know our weak areas, we are clear and we can avoid them easily. Its simple and easy in my case firstly i have to avoid this type of sleeping routine secondly change the environment instantly. i heard somewhere any emotion lasts for 12 mintues and after that it goes away .emotions like anger , sexual urges e.t.c.
    2. Avoid late hangouts.
    This is a personal development flaw not a pmo thing . This thing makes me regret a lots of my actions , Its hard for me to get up the next day, i become unfocused and indulge in vain talks. i leave Book reading e.t.C
    SOLUION: sleep early and avoid all late meet ups
    No she donot know about it @mickey mouse.
     
  7. APA

    APA Member

    Day 6,
    As I woke again late , missed the morning prayers after a very long time . My head was loaded with regret , I had missed a meeting . I woke up finaly at 11 00. I was angry at my friends who took me with them at night . that led me to come home at around 1.00 at night . Early to bed , early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise. I heard in a speech that if you want to succeed you have to learn to to say no. This is what i am going to say next time . I have seen the benefits of waking up early and going to sleep early that is why it hurts more when i mess thing up because of that . As for pmo and fanatasy things i am on a good track , somewhere near to as i was before. But As i wake up unfocused i am hit by the waves as it did today which i overcame as i had identified the weak spot.
    Now some doze of motivation for me because i have to do a lots of things today. I heard that we have to listen to positive stuff daily ,its like shower that we take daily to freshen our self. I might not become the best version of myself as satan whispers to me sometimes. NOOO But I am sure with the help of GOD i will become the best of version of me.
     
    Mickeymouse likes this.
  8. APA

    APA Member

    Day 7,
    Finaly wake up at 4 20 in morning. Having a killer routine till now. Listed down a lots of things. Hopin for a great day ahead.
     
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  9. APA

    APA Member

    Day 8,
    Last day was full of action . All deadlines were met but had to surrender in front of decree of Allah at one point as i had to redo a finished work because of the negligence of someone else. But it was a learning experience . Again woke up at 4 20 . My mind is becoming sane again and i m realizing that i had watched filth before that has harmed me the most spiritually. Working on my head and guiding my heart to keep it clean I hope in this way i can redeem myself and make my spirituality better. Working on the philosophy catch in the temptation as it rises. Than throw it out of the head.
     
  10. APA

    APA Member

    day 10,
    Last day i had a deadline to meet i worked like a crazy guy . I Started at 5 30 in the morning and continuosly worked till 3 15 in the afternoon. only took very small breaks in it. I handed over the work to the client . I was extremely tired but i was happy inside for what i had accomplished i had unburdened myself from a task that was on my head for so long. I was really tired and still i m . Had a family gathering at home, i served the guest . Had to attend a social meetup of neighbours . I crashed on bed at 9 45 . But i was not able to sleep. My body was aching .I think i became ill. My mother gave me medicine at around 12 at night I was able to sleep than . I struggled to get up for prayer . The fantasy thoughts were bombarding me they were trying to make a way in . but i kept on praying and fighting bcoz i want to break this cycle . This thought pattern . It might be difficult at times may be it was difficult bcoz i was unfocused . I WON the battle thoughts are gone . hoping for a good day ahead.
     
  11. APA

    APA Member

    Day 14, Going quite smoothly I m feeling contentment in my heart again as I m distancing myself from the fantasy. Enjoying the morning routine. Still not able to go to gym bcoz of procrastination. Everybody is going after happiness in there life and I see after hundered of days writing in here it leaving pmo and fantasy happiness level increases dracasticaly
     
  12. APA

    APA Member

    day 15,
    Every thing is going smooth , Got angry over a person that taunted me in front of my father . I was angry over him in the morning . I was thinking i should have kicked his butt. But I m over it now. I made some wrong small decisions that led me to sleep late at night . No book reading for 2 three days . Going to hit the gym at night at any cost in shaA.
     
  13. APA

    APA Member

    day 18,
    Just kind of gave up for a little time on this road to becoming the best me. I was frustrated from inside on some people as the wise men says i was holding a coal in my hand . i got negative. Once we get negative the prespective about this world changes . I was getting annoyed by little things . I stayed in home in the second part of the day . Wasted a loooots of time watching funny videos, street fights , wrestling , movie trailers , informational videos , political videos and any thing that came in my way. My focus level was dropped my energy and determination was drained . I slept very late . I don't know how i was able to get up just to pray and i slept right after that. I woke up very late , I had a wet dream . My mind is quite fresh now . I realized i have to search for a better alternate for enjoyment rather than surfing on youtube it can be dangerous in terms of my reboot. Negativity is also gone . My teacher used to say long sleep is good for mental health. I have to do something about these grudges over some people . They take over me sometimes . As far as urges are concerned i usualy have them when i wake up for some moments that can be denied easily.
     
  14. APA

    APA Member

    RELAPSE.
    I woke up at around 4 30 . When i woke up i had crazy urges . I went out to pray , came back but that unfortunately it didn't helped that much. I started sinking back in my mind with urges taking over me. I opened my laptop and while surfing i relapsed . The reason was i was not able to handle the urges I lost very badly. I was actualy gaining momentum.
     
  15. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Member

    Hey what job do you do? Is it mechanical Engineering related?
     
  16. APA

    APA Member

    I HAVE GOT ONE MORE ROUND! Going to climb out of it with the help of GOD this time.

    Day 0.
     
  17. APA

    APA Member

    I am an Engineer . I have pm'd you check it @ mickey mouse
     
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  18. APA

    APA Member

  19. APA

    APA Member

    I am back after a long time and probably for the LAST TIME.
    This would be the concluding post of my journey here. I have a strange type of contentment in my heart while I am writing . I started visiting this site in late 2014 statred my journal on april 2015 . This website became a secret part of my life where i was documenting my life and struggles that probably people around me didn't knew. I was in my mid 20s . When I look back i am proud of myself ( All praise be to ALLAH) I made good progress and went for many months without pmo . I went to one of the peaks of my life when I was doing good physically , mentally and spiritually . Everything is documented I had great days and some relapses in this journey . I went through the bittersweet , stressed , happy ,exciting , sad , hopeless and hopefull moments . BUT IN THE END I AM FREEEEEEEE AND I WON with the HELP OF GOD.
    I am living a happy, healthy and content life with my wife. I was so far away from pmo and things like that i thought if i would return to write here ,This will remind me of my relapses and make me unhappy . Another thought in me was saying that I should finish what I started .I should give it a happy ending . I am very happy when I am writing here. GOOD BYE YBR.
     

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