Rest of my life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Kenny75, Aug 23, 2020.

  1. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    Hi folks. So i am 45 yrs old and i have wasted the past 28yrs addicted to masturbation and sexual fantasy. Ironically i dont view porn, my mind is filthy enough that the mere sight of nice females set me off. I need to restart my life, whats left of it from right now. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Kenny. Yup, fantasy is all it takes. The "no arousal" method, or "monk-mode", is the only way. Anything that gets the neurons firing to artificial stimulation is going to keep the compulsion and thoughts from going away. This isn't easy, but it is possible.
    Keep journaling here. It helps a lot!
     
  3. wareagle

    wareagle Member

  4. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    Thanks @Mozenjo and @wareagle for the welcome. So thats my first day and night done. A few times i felt as a matter of habit to sneak off to my vice, but the urges were not too bad. It was nice to go to bed with a clean conscience. In my bible reading this morning was " Depart from evil and do good" Psalm 34v14. This is how i need to live whats left of my life. There are no guarantees, i could live to be 80, or i could live to be 45 and a few months. So i need to make each day count for all concerned, not just poor ole me.
     
    positivef, realness and Mozenjo like this.
  5. Vanoli16

    Vanoli16 Member

    Welcome @Kenny75. Glad you’re here. I agree: keep journaling, and keep commenting on other member’s journals. I find that helps a lot also.
     
  6. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    Thank you @Vanoli16 . Got through my second day and night safely enough. Got a slight urge, more like a pre urge really,after experiencing an emotion. It will be interesting to see what problems I have been covering up with MO. I switched my internet devices off at 11pm last night to reduce temptations.
     
  7. Vanoli16

    Vanoli16 Member

    That's been the most beneficial thing for me, @Kenny75, so far on this particular reboot - what was I covering up by using and abusing PMO? Valuable inquiry on your part. Keep going.
     
    Kenny75 likes this.
  8. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    So made it through yesterday and last night safely enough. It was so good to go to bed with a clear conscience. It was so good to do more productive things with my time, but the clear conscience was priceless.
     
    Mozenjo and positivef like this.
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Nice job! Yes, the clear conscience is a very powerful experience. It gives you a glimpse of what life without the addiction can be like.
     
    Kenny75 likes this.
  10. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    Made it safely through another day and night. I have been deliberately limiting my time online esp when alone. So external triggers have been low. Really enjoying a clean conscience esp on my pillow at night. Have been feeling physically drained mind you, could sleep standing up.
     
  11. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Kenny,

    It is a great feeling to go to bed with a clean conscience at night.

    As you mentioned, it will be interesting to see what you’ve been covering up with PMO. At first you might have a bit of a shock if you uncover stuff that you really need to work out, but at least then it is out in the open and you can start working towards a better life.
     
    Kenny75 likes this.
  12. Vanoli16

    Vanoli16 Member

    Nice work @Kenny75. Having just gone through some major withdrawal symptoms myself, I can attest to the difficulty and power of them. And, you're still here. Excellent!
     
    Kenny75 likes this.
  13. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    Thanks folks for support. I'm enforcing a strict no internet when alone policy, so I haven't been able to read your own journals much. Hope that doesn't come across as selfish. I plan to get caught up in next few days. Anyway made it through another day and night. Starting to feel as if I am someone else, a different person. Hard to put into words. No triggers so far.
     
  14. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    I totally understand. Do whatever works for you to help your reboot. Great that you are starting to feel a change in yourself.
     
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Staying away from the internet is always good when you can do it. Yes, coming here to post forces you to log on, but since "triggers" are all around us, if you commit to staying the course, they do not have to be triggers if we just move on and not allow them to be triggers. Easier said than done, but your commitment sounds solid. Keep going. You're doing great.
     
  16. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    Thanks for the support troops. Made it through another 2 days and nights. Yesterday i was getting triggered ironically when listening to a sermon about sexual lust. It brought back strong memories. I wasnt getting tempted to MO, but it really was challenging how much i really want to beat this. Do i really want success, or do i love MO addiction too much? Being honest, i cant answer that so far with total honesty. Felt very tired yesterday, a real deep tiredness. I need to find a good book to help me beat this. I have tried some Christian books on sexual lust, but didn't fin them helpful nor hopeful.
     
  17. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    Last night I suddenly slipped up. I googled photos. I didn't MO but let those photos nest in my mind. I ticked myself into allowing myself a so called little reward treat. It was a close shave. Lesson was- I cannot use Internet when alone. By the way I am treating such photos same as porn. I never porn in facf it repulses me.
     
  18. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    Made it through another day and night. Dreams getting a bit more racy, but other than that fine.
     
  19. Kenny75

    Kenny75 New Member

    I'm afraid I slipped up. Last night I looked up YouTube videos and edged. But today I repeated that and MO. Looking back I think I can identify what led to this fall. It also ties in with a book I have bought tonight for my Kindle ' The Heart of Addiction" I suspect I am covering up a major disappointment in my life, that I can't really face up to. So for me MO is like someone else's alcohol or drug. That's my hunch so far. I will figure out how to reset my day counter.
     
  20. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Hi Kenny75,

    What was it that caused you to look at YouTube videos? Was it habit, or something else that triggered you to look at them?

    I think it’s helpful to try and work out what triggers us, and then figure out how to reduce/eliminate it.

    For me, most of my usage used to be late night. So one thing I try to do now is to make sure my iPad is switched off at night and to keep it on a different room from where I sleep. I also used to seek some quick dopamine hits when I was hungover, so as a result of that I cut way down on my drinking.
     

Share This Page