Reminder to myself

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Newman8888, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yep. It's why I don't really value talk, anymore. Showing up, being accountable, in the mundane minutiae of our lives is all that counts.

    You're doing great!
  2. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Thanks Saville. In the spirit of accountability, I have to report that I have done poorly. I hesitate to use the word struggling because that suggests that things our out of my hands or beyond my control. Well, some things are but not PMO.

    Last Saturday, I went on a several hours long YouTube binge. Sunday I stayed clean all day. Last night, I again went searching for a sexual high.

    Enough of this bullshit. I can't get enough of what will never satisfy me. When I am doing better, complacency moves in, the guard goes down, and slowly fantasy and the craving for being in a perpetual state of arousal grows stronger.

    I am disappointed that my wife's libido has further decreased. We used to have sex every other week, on average, which I enjoyed. Now, we have sex every 5 or 6 weeks. That ain't enough for me. I'm dreading to bring this up with her but I think I must because it's weighing on my mind.

    Also, as silly as it may sound, I have to keep reminding myself that I am an addict.
  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Yes Newman I think I know what you mean. Real wisdom is needed. If things are like my wife and I, a topic like that brings with it all sorts of complications. All my best to you sir
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I mentioned this on Guy's thread. Talk doesn't work. Rubbing asses, grabbing boobs, hugging, kissing while cooking, it gets the woman feeling desired. Yes, even if she protests with things like "I'm too tired, " or "not now," or "for goodness sake, what's got into you." My wife freaked out on me twice. Practically accused me of date rate, because I cornered her and made my intentions known. Yes, I'm aware of how awful that sounds to a nice guy who treads on egg shells around his beloved. My wife over reacted to the max, because she can be a fucking freak like that sometimes, but she also felt desired. I'm sure there's a middle ground, but I don't seem to be good at finding that. Walk around naked. Walk up to her and tell her to put your penis in her hand. Here's what talking to your wife about sex means to her: "He's nothing but a petulant child. He's selfish and doesn't care about how I feel, not at all. I'm tired and no one helps me around the house." Flip it around. If your libido had gone down and she wanted to have a "talk" about having more sex what do you think your reaction would be? You'd be defensive as hell. You have a right to bone your wife! She has the right to turn you down, but you have to be persistent and don't take what she says personally. If she's not sick then lack of libido is no excuse not to get intimate. The only thing a partner understands in a situation like this, imo, is action. "Me horny, me fuck you now!"

    You are doing great, Newman. Be bold!
    gymaddict likes this.
  5. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Saville, this is definitely radical and would be out of character for this "nice guy." But at the same time, it rings true to me. I can feel the "hell, yeah." You're right, my friend and you've rediscovered something that lies dormant in most men, I think. Only real sex satisfies. Thanks my friend.
  6. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    A quick follow-up to the prior post. I notice that the longer the stints between sex becomes, the harder it becomes to reinitiate sex and intimacy. That's where I am at now. There is some fear of being rejected, turned away. It's all in the mind. All in the mind.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You nailed Newman! This attitude is why I never did my taxes on time, never finished a project at home, and basically never lived up to my potential. It's a habit. Luckily we can break that habit by taking care of the little stuff. It really all is in the mind, isn't it? We build up those walls mentally and then they seem unscalable. I still have some of these massive walls in my thinking. But, even using a spoon we can dig our way out of the mightiest fortress. Loving your energy, bro'!
  8. gymaddict

    gymaddict Member

    Your approach may seem male chauvanistic, Saville, but there is alot of truth in what you say for us as men, and especially aging men. I have often said the husband sets the thermostat for sex in a marriage, especially for Christian couples where the wife may seem sexually distant or conservative. It is up to us men to take our wives down off of any pedestal we have placed her and be more aggressive like Saville said with our kisses and touches that make our wives feel desired and pursued to the place where they want us men physically and want sex. I know what Saville is saying is largely true in my marriage. My wife seems like she could live without sex until I intentionally give her physical attention and turn her on to want sex. Thanks for posting this Saville. You woke me up with your comments.
  9. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    This is a great discussion we're having here. What is true masculinity? Speaking for myself, I'm becoming increasingly more aware how much my life has revolved around seeking approval from women (men too but women far more). I suspect that in large measures that's why we, meaning P addicts, are so drawn to P. No rejection, no disapproval. It's also not real.

    I don't think chauvinism is the way to go. It breathes a certain contempt for women. The bigger question is how to grow up, how to learn to take responsibility, how to mature emotionally. Let's face it, there is not one emotionally mature P addict. It's a contradiction in terms. What I like from Saville's writing, what my take-away is, is that he's not afraid to be rejected or receive disapproval. Well, maybe he is, but he has decided to override his fear. I think that's the key point. He who dares wins.
  10. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    DAY 4

    I sometimes wonder why some people loot, take stuff that don't belong to them during or after natural disasters. It's a crime of opportunity. My conclusion is that such people have already conditioned their mind to steal by their way of habitually thinking, seeing the world, including their fellow men. It doesn't happen over night. It happens by repeatedly thinking about it, reinforcing a certain way to view life, people. Same with P addiction. I'm contemplating this (perhaps not well articulated phenomenon) over the last few days. I can see how my mind wants relief, distraction, titillation, enjoyment, pleasure from the visual stimulation of sex, nudity, arousal, etc. More than the visual, is just the thought pattern, resorting to fantasy (usually a thematic one) is so ingrained. Nothing new here. Preaching to choir. However, my point here is the undoing of this habit takes a lot of effort. By default, the mind will wander back to what it is used to.
    Billy B. and Boxer17 like this.
  11. gymaddict

    gymaddict Member

    Whatever and however you classify Saville's approach, I agree with him. No one loves, serves, and sacrifices himself more for my wife than I do. Our committment to each other in monogamy and intimacy spans 45 years and gets stronger as we age. Just saying that Saville has spoken truth.
    Saville likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Bang on in my estimation! We either grow up in, or create, a culture that allows us to rationalize/justify the unseemly and the reprehensible. I lost my moral compass completely, but during that time I had a library of excuses as to why my behavior was OK. Stopping the response of the pleasure chemicals to P literally changed my life. Understanding that life is just a routine that is kind of monotonous has been ground breaking for myself. I don't expect, nor look, for anything to lift my day out of the doldrums. Pleasure comes, for me at least, in the doing of simple tasks and doing them slowly.
    Billy B., Libertad and Newman8888 like this.
  13. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

  14. onesea

    onesea Active Member

    Saville I need to remember everything you wrote above. I am in fear of my days becoming monotonous and what it will do to me. I want to get to the realization you did. I'll start by slowing down.

    Billy B. likes this.
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Tell me about it! :confused:
  16. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    I have been waiting since October 4th to make any journal entry here. When I'm trying to log in using my chrome web browser, I am prompted not to enter any personal information. Here is the information from Chrome:

    "The site isn't using a private connection. Someone might be able to see or change the information you send or get through this site.

    You might see a "Login not secure" or "Payment not secure" message. We suggest that you don't enter sensitive details, like passwords or credit cards.

    On some sites, you can visit a more secure version of the page:

    1. Select the address bar.
    2. Delete http://, and enter https:// instead.
    If that doesn't work, contact the site owner to ask that they secure the site and your data with HTTPS."

    Am I the only one encountering this problem? If not, can someone here advise me of the best course of action? I would like to be able to log in safely. I miss using my journal on YBR.

  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Hey mate. I hope you are going well despite not being able to journal.

    I don't use Chrome so maybe that's why I haven't had the problem you mention. It's a concern though isn't it? Sure we don't use our real names but what about the email addresses associated with our accounts? Even if that address isn't our name, it's likely that this is linked to our identity.


    Have you thought to contact the site admin? His name is... could someone remind me his name, please?
  18. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi Newman, I have the same problem when I want to enter with my Opera Browser. I have two Browsers on my Computer and I use now the Microsoft Edge Browser to enter YBR and it works fine. So the Problem has something to do with the browser. Maybe you can download another browser.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I use Microsoft as well, as I saw that notice on firefox. I think, honestly, it's just letting you know that the site is not secure, because no site really is. It would be interesting to hear what a moderator/administrator thinks @Alexander
    Boxer17 likes this.
  20. onesea

    onesea Active Member

    This site is definitely not secure. That has always bothered me. I do think some sites are secure and this should be one of them. If I was a hacker I would go for the low hanging fruit and this site is one of them. Just my opinion.

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