Reminder to myself

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Newman8888, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Another very insighful post from you, Newman. Theres so much that I can relate in it. You got the point whats really behind that sexualized need to seek escape. I feel those same things too - separation and loneliness are behind it - the need to connect and to be loved. It could stem from early childhood, somehow feeling not to be loved and accepted enough. Maybe it was due to overtly sensitive nature. Causes could be many.

    This is exactly my view of the situation too. Theres a lack of self-love, which turns us towards this addiction. But I can tell you are a good person, with great wisdom in your writings. Theres a kindness in you too, which are quite rare thing in many men. You should feel good about yourself! :)

    Well said! Let us find that healthy view of ourselves by continuing this path whatever it takes.

    I liked you dream - I think it depicted your subconscious process how you have realized the illusion what the whole P world is. Its just ruthless money-making machine destroying human dignity, moral and souls, wanting to make men addicted to this twisted form of unreal sexuality.
     
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  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    That's interesting. My wife and I are the opposite. I'm the one who clams up
     
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  3. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    DAY 102

    I have not logged in for a while so I'm so heartened to find so many supportive and kind messages posted on my journal. Thank you all, Saville, fcjl8, Onesea, Titan, and Boxer. I'm touched.

    I'm going through a rough patch at the moment. It feels like I've been hanging on by a thread this last week or so. I was considering going back to the old ways. While the intellect said no, that's not a good idea and will only result in prolonged suffering, emotionally, I felt listless, as in "I don't care." That's a danger zone to be avoided. I'm still battling it at the moment and know that I need to strengthen my resolve. It has nothing to do with my wife. We're getting along well. I just feel like I have hit a wall, lacking motivation. I'm surprised. Now it's just grit.

    I'm trying to take a step back to evaluate my situation. Grit can only carry me so long. That's why I am here today. I have felt myself drifting away from YBR. Before that, although I didn't post daily, I read posts daily. All I am aware of at the moment is that I feel disconnected, disengaged and disappointed in myself. I have some inklings of what's going on inside my psyche, my wounded ego. I have recently reconnected with some friends who I have not been in contact with for more than 20 years. While it was initially fun and heartfelt, it later triggered some old "deficiency stories" that are painful for me to experience. I have experienced shame, neediness, loneliness, and just this sense that "I'm flawed." It doesn't matter that I'm trying to beat that back intellectually, or reassuring myself with the use of logic. It's not going away. I'm going to have to stare this demon, albeit self-created at a tender age most likely, right in the eyes. This is here for me to meet as best as I can.

    I have enough awareness now to know that is not the others that make me feel bad. I am the one who make me feel bad. Having at least this little understanding of what's going on is helping me to stay reasonably grounded. I have turned my attention away from my unpleasant (which is to put it mildly, more like self-loathing) thoughts and sure enough, the addict is starting to grasp for the medicine that he knows will always deliver. It's just that I don't want to go down that path again. So, I will check in here again on a regular basis and I hope that I can offer as much kindness and support as I have received from you. I'm off to do some errands now. I'm just grateful for this community. Without it, I know for sure that I would be back doing what I have done for years, numbing out, looking for relief only to create more suffering.

    Peace to you all.
     
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  4. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    So happy for you that you have not sought out "numbing"... The experience you describe with regards to reconnecting with friends. Of "comparison" deficiency... flawed. I am sure you truly know that is just a nasty accuser type voice. I share this habit with you Newman8888 and it can really get to me.

    The truth is that you are a wonderfully made man.. you are created to live and love and learn and share... you are just perfect the way you are.

    You called this "voice" a demon... and I totally agree in every sense of that word. It is not your true voice... it is not the truth it is lies that are meant to make you submit. You obviously will not give up your freedom Newman. I will stand with you and I am sure the great men of YBR all will.

    Blessings and Peace
     
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  5. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey newman888
    Good to hear from you. Gritting your way through is rough. I know. Like fcjl8 says that demon is trying to get you to give up. He wants to knock you down and then laugh at you for having a bloody nose the promise of relief is a lie.
    We are with you as you are with us

    Our thoughts are with you sir.
    Boxer
     
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  6. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    DAY 106

    I'm not happy with how the last 10-15 days have been going. Keeping up my daily active recovery scheme (exercise and meditation) has been a little of a grind.

    What I am grateful for is that I'm slugging it out. I'm also grateful for having this forum and being part of a community of men who are committed to reclaiming themselves, their hearts, their self-respect.

    Much love to all.
     
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  7. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    DAY 115

    Doing well at the moment. Feeling committed. No PMO but have not fully adhered to no fantasizing, no arousal approach. I also had some short moments here and there with dopamine-releasing materials, albeit without nudity.

    It's not ideal, not the best way to go about the rebooting process, yet I never had the thought, even for a moment, to say to myself "the hell with it, I'm going all in." I simply do not want to go back to the old ways. I don't want to forget the price of self-forgetfulness. It's never worth it.

    When tempted, I have often googled things like "what is it really like to be a porn actress" and the like. When fantasies come, I have found it helpful to think or imagine the person as that, not the actress. This tends to throw water on the fire.

    I had an experience recently not unlike Wabi described some weeks ago. While he was interviewed by some hot, attractive women, I similarly met a beautiful, sexy younger woman who wanted me to do some work for her. I met her privately in her office and I just became aware of how nervous I was. I was called in as the expert and felt that I had to project confidence when all I experienced was insecurity.

    I felt embarrassed and did my best to conceal my discomfort and uneasiness. I don't know if she noticed or not. I left the hour-long meeting really perplexed. Why was I so uncomfortable, so nervous? What I discovered when I was honest with myself was that I found her very sexually attractive. It was pure lust. I remembered afterwards that this was it was like for me all throughout high school. Even later in college. I was afraid of beautiful women as much as I desired them. I'm not a bad-looking guy, far from it, but I have no confidence with women. I kinda had forgotten about that. I then saw the connection to porn and how it had given me a place to escape and fantasize about what never seemed to be within reach. I regressed. I also felt compassion for the scared one living in this much older body now.

    I don't know why but this experience just helped me become more honest with myself, less guilt-ridden, more accepting of who I am.
     
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  8. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Great to read that you are going strong Newman8888.

    I bet she did not notice any issue during the interview. I think this tends to be much more predominant in our heads. You are doing so great.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Sorry to hear it's been something of a grind lately, mate. It's not uncommon, though, by any means, for rebooters to go through periods similar.

    I'm always umpressed by how well you articulate yr honesty, yr self awareness and yr resolve. You totally have what it takes to kick this, Bro.

    Rock on, M'man.
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Awesome, bro!
     
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, brother - where you at?
     
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Dit-dit-ditto...
     
  13. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    DAY 0

    Thanks Saville and Billy for checking in with me. Feel your love, brothers. Last post was about a month ago. During this period of time, I went to a 10-day meditation retreat and on vacation with my wife in a very beautiful place, next to the ocean and the mountains. I lost focus. I have reconnected with some friends from years ago and we have kept up our communications almost daily for close to 3 months now. It's all done through social media.

    Setting the counter back to zero is not because I fell back into a full-blown PMO or binged for hours on end. I didn't. I haven't. I don't want that shit anymore. However, I started using P subs again intermittently and generally for short periods of times. This is the area where I'm clearly most susceptible. Without vigilance, growing too comfortable, it's almost bound to happen. Because I was in a grey zone, didn't technically meet the definition of PMO, felt that I made great progress, I didn't feel that resetting my counter accurately reflected where I'm at. On the other hand, addicts are masters at finding justifications and excuses.

    My fear of resetting my counter is that it would leave me feeling discouraged. That's what happened my first reboot. I went some 200 plus days and could never take off the ground after that. I just have to remind myself that the counter is for me, not to show my progress or lack thereof for my fellow journeymen. It's hard though. I openly admit that I tend to compare myself with others here and going back to zero kind of sucks. That said, I'm committed for the long haul.

    I also want to be back supporting others here on the forum. This is such a wonderful place to share our journeys, our ups and downs. The main thing for me is to stay active, leave and read posts. Saville and Billy, I was so touched to see your comments upon returning to the forum after a long hiatus. It means a lot.
     
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  14. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Do not let the reset discourage you. We are never finished anyways, it do not mean that much what number the current count is at. We are always one step away from the relapse, be it 10 days or 1000 days. Counters only meaning should be for us individually to feel the progress, even that its clumsy way to gauge that. Changes for better in our real life means much more, but they are not so easy to notice all the time.
    I think you are a brave man. Also it takes a humility to admit swaying too close to kind of gray area. Only one we are fooling doing things like that is ourselves.
    Now its time for the new start for you. I also Im at my first days after losing myself for months in spiral of negativity and P use. I believe in you. Lets do this together, with the help of other great man in this forum.
     
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  15. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 New Member

    Personally if I was in the same situation I wouldn't reset... Why? You feel in the grey area. Didn't PMO... So be it. Let it go... Porn sub's are a trigger... Stay away...

    Keep up the good work.:cool:
     
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  16. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Excellent.

    Yes, it's a slippery slope. And I've slipped a little myself recently (but back on track now). I hope that the reset doesn't discourage you... it really needn't because, despite having slipped, you're still miles ahead where you were (because of all the clean-times you've had). If so though, I wonder if a spread sheet might be a good idea? I've considered it myself and if I slip again I may strongly consider it further. It's a far more accurate gauge of progress than a counter. A counter only works for long extended clean streaks, if there are slips (and resets) it's not actually a good reflexion of progress gained, me thinks.

    You're doin' great, mate. I'm totally impressed by your progress. Keep on!
     
  17. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Thanks for these encouraging words, Titan. Great reminder that recovery is a life- long commitment. I'm happy to be back here on the forum to share my journey and offer help and support where I can. Hope that you're doing well, my friend.
     
  18. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Thanks Billy. For me, accountability comes first. Whenever I want to pull away, become more distant from this forum, I know that the addict within is starting to gain strength. This is where my focus needs to shift now. Counter or spreadsheet are secondary to accountability in my experience. I tried a spreadsheet on my own for a few months prior to coming back to this forum and it helped somewhat but can't replace accountability to others (my brothers here on YBR). I'm grateful for your support and kind words, always.
     
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