Reminder to myself

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Newman8888, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Got to go to work in a few minutes. Felt some emotional disturbance this morning. Mind is restless, moving in circles. Feel unresolved from last night's discussion (or argument, perhaps) with my wife. She called me sneaky, which is true. Any addict is sneaky. This is in part what feeds the addiction. I'm also feeling really fucking good that I'm not acting on the urge to take me out of my mind chatter and discomfort this morning. I'm staying curious and trying to stay open. An unexamined life is not worth living. Hmm, I almost feel compelled to deleted the last sentence as it feels like a platitude. Fuck no. It's true. It's fucking true. Got to go.
  2. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    An unexamined life is not worth living. Great words. Better update your posts in a single thread like most do. That way it's easier for other people to keep track of you and your examinations :)
  3. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Thanks for your feedback, Arizona. I'm new at this and have never used a forum before. Okay, so updating in a single thread is the way to go. Thanks for letting me know. I'm approaching 9 days of abstaining from looking for a sexual high on the internet. This morning, I have this familiar feeling of "wanting to use," wanting to reward myself, wanting to "take care of myself." If it weren't for this forum and my journal here, I'm pretty sure that I would have. So what am I noticing? What's going on? Why do I want to escape into the erotic haze, fog of forgetting? Why do I want to get lost, lose myself as the expression goes? What's here? What's real for me in this moment? I feel anger, perhaps rage even. I feel disconnected, separated, loneliness. It creates this sucking, sucking energy of wanting something to fill up this emptiness. Yeah, that's it.....emptiness. I feel empty, pure and simple. Oh fuck, it's uncomfortable. Why is it so uncomfortable, I wonder. Notice cravings. Clearly, I want to distract myself. I don't want to fucking feel. Notice a lot contractions in my belly. Feel heat too. I just want to say "fuck it, fuck it all."

    I've read a little more than a third of a book that was recommended on YBOP website called "No More Mr. Nice Guys" or something like that. I thought the title was goofy so I didn't buy the book until last week. Man, I find myself, my dilemma, in many of those pages. Basically, I'm addicted to being liked, approved of, loved, admired even, especially as it comes to women. I'm paying close attention to how I feel and what I do when I talk to people, interact with them. Basically, I'm noticing that I'm being a charming, nice, accommodating as a way to protect myself. I want approval. Going onto the internet looking at beautiful, attractive women is safe. No rejection. It's pathetic. It really is.

    Beating the shit out of myself does not work either. The truth is I have always been afraid of women. It's like something is frozen in time. In this middle-aged body lives an awkward, insecure teenage boy, fascinated by women, their beauty, the sexual appeal, and yet also experiencing great deal of fear of getting too close, of losing myself somehow. I've been married for 20 years, had a great sex life in the first few years and then gradually it just sort of fizzled out. I lived a celibate life for 10 years prior to marriage for religious reasons. Sex was the mortal, unforgivable sin, a belief that I have since discarded. I lied to myself when our sex life started fading. I told myself that sex wasn't that important. If I couldn't get my sexual needs met with my wife, there was always the internet. I made the conscious decision of staying away from hard core porn. Somehow, it made it more okay, more socially acceptable, less shame-inducing. Everyone does it, has been my way of rationalizing this secretive behavior. Deep down, I know that it doesn't matter whether I watch soft porn or hard porn, erotica, or whatever. It's the same dependency. It's the same shit.

    Still sitting with this dense energy. Still feeling the urge to just say "fuck it, fuck it all, and I fucking deserve to have something for me, that I can enjoy. I'm fucking entitled to it." Is that true though? I don't believe in sin or this behavior being immoral. Been there, done that. I can find so many ways to rationalize a little peak, a little titillation, getting that feeling of warmth when first starting my acting out. Many guys, from what I can tell on this forum, are motivated by wanting to keep their marriage, being able to get and sustain an erection. I'm doing this journal-writing, this decision to abstain from artificial, fantasy-laden sexual stimulation for me, and me only. That's my bottom line. I lived most of my fucking life pleasing people (mostly women). It's disease or a dysfunction at least. I'm just saying...
  4. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Beautiful Newman. Awesome process of consciousness of your situation going on here.
    You go through many similar steps/insights as I did.

    Porn is an escape from facing reality. And the excuses are all simply not taking responsibilty for the life being offered to you based on both your past decisions and , well, life simply being life.

    \I also recognise the woman thing. Many things I was kind of afraif of when being with a new woman, simply dissolved while being in an open realtionship with her. Open meaning everything was ok to be brought into the relationship. Not all was practiced I mean, but all fears and desires and questions etc could just be discussed. And from there on investigated what to do with them. That gave such a relief from tensions, that many dissolved just by the space they got to simply be there. Instead of being denied.

    Hope you can work things out with your wife. Adding truth and reality in your life has great rewards, but the pain that caused them to be denied, well, you have to go through those as well.

    Keep us updated.
  5. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Thanks Arizona. What I've seen you write resonates. Taking responsibility is the key, it seems. No small feat, however. I have the house all to myself today. It's very quiet and I enjoy that. Also, I notice how incredibly difficult it can be to just be with oneself, with what arises. I admire you for your courage to tell your partner everything, holding nothing back. I have this belief, rightly or wrongly, that my wife can't handle the truth, don't even want to know the truth. On some level, that's how I see her relating to herself. Not wanting to see, not wanting to know. She tells me she's going into an emotional fog. Instead, she spends hours on her smartphone, which I notice that I'm judging her for in my mind. Yet, this is beyond my control. Shaming her for that won't help, so I don't. There is something about being human that is so difficult. I can't find the right word. It's living on the razor's edge, it's feeling into each moment, noticing what is true, what is real and yet wanting to run away from that. Do you know Rumi, the poet? Here is one of my favorite poems of his. Enjoy.


    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.

    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.

    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still, treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out
    for some new delight.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
    meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

    Be grateful for whatever comes.
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

    -- Jelaluddin Rumi,
    translation by Coleman Barks
  6. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    yes yes yes Newman. Exactly.

    And about the honesty, you don't know what she can take and what not. Maybe try with steps. All you can do is find out for yourself what kind of life you want. Truth or separation from it. Eating real food (living life), or menucards (stories about life). Nice, edge of the razor. I know exactly what you mean. Also nice movie btw. About this theme as well.
    Honesty goes deep. You can share and see where your wife goes with it, but always, always also be true to yourself, like share your motives, always be honest also to yourself. Sometimes it may hurt her, sometimes you may hurt yourself by seeing who YOU truelly are.

    Painful but oh so beautiful process. I'm on that path already for years. Quitting porn is only a part of it. A big one and necessary, but that said, not more then only a part.

  7. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    "but always, always also be true to yourself, like share your motives, always be honest also to yourself. Sometimes it may hurt her, sometimes you may hurt yourself by seeing who YOU truelly are." Thank you, Arizona. Your support, your words of wisdom touches my heart. I am grateful and I know, I'm beginning to see that porn addiction is first and foremost a manifestation of some deeper dissonance, sense of separation, despair, whatever negative emotional catch-all phrase for pain one uses. I've been tormented today by cravings but have decided to stay with them as much as I can in the moment without distracting myself from feeling the dread, the emotional heaviness, sucking emptiness. My own sense is that there is something knocking on the door, something that wants my attention, something that wants to come into the light of consciousness.

    I like your advice about starting slowly with my wife in terms of sharing with her about what's going on in my life. I've told her about my addiction, so she's aware of it. Yet, she doesn't ask me any questions, as though she doesn't want to know, or perhaps is afraid to ask. I'm not sure. Intimacy is what we all want, I think. So many, many of us as kids got burned, stopped trusting, found coping mechanisms such as seeking sexual highs. One of my highs, quite frankly, was spiritual highs. Experiencing an intensity, a sense of deep, deep divine love. I've come to see that also became hijacked by something inside that wants to avoid feeling uncomfortable, scared, or whatever. The mind is a trickster, no doubt :)
  8. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Thanks for your reply Newman. Little time here, but yeah, something's knocking. Your heart. Or God. Life.

    I thought about your situation a bit. You've been honest to your wife and she doesn't ask more. I think there's no need to talk about it for now with her, unless she initiates the topic. Or unless you have a specifi reason. But realize, it's your doing. You need to clean up here. And no reason to 'burden' her with it, unless there's good reasons.

    What you should do (in my opinion) is twofold.
    1. Stop porn. if you watch porn one more time, get therapy. No excuses and exceptions on this one. If you want to stop and you cannot, get help. I'd also look at your masturbating behavior. You think of your wife? All else is garbage and eventually will have to go too. Maybe immediately. If you can. You decide your path, but I'd say at this stage, get over your addiction and do all you can to make that happen. I've see in my process how deep the addiction was/is rooted and without therapy, it's really hard to quit. It's possible, but not easy and will last for sure longer, then if you get help. You have a wife. Why risking the extra length?

    2. Treat your wife as a goddess. The reason you quit porn, is that you want to be there for her as a god. Not as a pervert who goes astray with other women (real or virtual, to your wife, it's the same. And she's right.) And here's the real advice of 2: Deal with all that comes on your path, why you think she doesn't deserve your serving her as a goddess. All that comes up, is identity, excuses, your egoistic self. You need to quit for her. For your love for her. Not because she wants it. Because she deserves it. It cannot be done with expecting rewards. You must be clean simply for who you are. Not as a bargain towards her to get something out of her. Check your motives. Thoughts, expectations, grudge, they will sneak into you. It takes time, to get to know yourself, to know your motives and why you do and don't do certain things. It can be painful. I'll be honest, with my previous wife, I was not capable of this. I could clean up a lot of friction, but could not see the goddess in her. In the beginning with my new gf, I couldn't either. Until I saw how much pain my porn and craving caused her. Beyond her anger, I could see her fragileness. And only because I love her from the heart, not simply because she's attractive as hell. I felt the pain and felt my responsibility to make her feel safe. NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK. Once you choose for a woman (you're married, right?), her feeling safe, should be a number one priority. Her happiness is what makes you happy.
    If you don't see this, bring all your focuss on trying to see this in the near future. Dissolve anything that comes between this, by seeing it, recognising it and penetrate it so you see it's all illusions, thoughts to cover your own fragileness and fears.

    So yeah, don't necessarily talk with her. You have tasks enough without getting her involved. Like cleaning up your porn shit in your head. Like I'm doing.
    And second, deal with all the 'buts' and 'I don't want to's' and 'I deserve better's' and 'she should also clean up her act' and all that crab. It's illusions, lies of the identity.

    Once you're really clean, either she will meet you on the way, or she won't, not willing to deal with her own demons (she has hers, and can only truelly open up to you if she deals with hers). If she doesn't open up and turns willing to see her own thresholds to you and life, you will eventually move on. Not out of anger, but out of love. Knowing you may move on. But decisions like that 'rise'. They're not made by you. If 'you' make a decision like that, it's usually anger or identity.
    I'm just saying this so you know you have no business demanding her resolving her issues. True growth is like love, like a flower. It cannot be demanded. Only nourished. And you nourish hers by nourishing yourself.
    So if you focuss on you becoming clean (both porn and all triggers that come from that, without burdening her with it), you serve her in the most beautiful way. The rest is selfish (you do this, I do that etc.; the old way) You give her space to also grow in love. Not asking or demanding, just providing the ground and nurture for the flower to grow.

    So yeah, I don't believe porn can be dealt with just with discipline. You need to become a better man. Listen to that 'knocking' on the door. It's magic. And at the same time, it's more real than all the life you've been living so far.

    Wish you strength and power my friend.
  9. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    And yeah, deep down, intimacy is indeed all we want. If you go even deeper, you'll find out that we ARE intimacy. Love.
  10. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Thank you Arizona for taking time and giving so much thought and consideration to your reply. I'm deeply touched. This forum has been so much more than I expected. I feel a great deal of solidarity, compassion for my fellow brethren. I really feel that I need to take some time to let some of the stuff that you wrote about sink in. It resonates, it challenges, but rings true, for which I am grateful. Fighting an addiction requires firmness and a willingness of taking 100% responsibility, which I have admittedly fallen short of. I want to address, talk about, reciprocate on each of the two points that you laid out in your reply.

    (1) Entering therapy. I'm already considering this option. Here is my overall sense, which I by the way, I believe that I have sensed in much of your writing thus far: porn addiction is so much more about issues other than porn, such as emotional immaturity (being frozen in time), cognitive distortions (denials, distortion of the truth, lying to myself and others and rationalizing it, etc.), but mostly fear, I sense. I started working with a sex/porn addiction counselor over the phone more than 2 years ago, which I told my wife about as well. He provided his service over the phone or by Skype. I was looking forward to working with him, felt a lot of initial excitement about starting a new chapter in my life. I would characterize his approach as mostly cognitive behavioral with a good dose of mindfulness blended in. He has a good heart, is caring, but my principal problem with him was that I didn't feel heard, understood. He talked a lot. I had this concept that a counselor is someone who listens more and talks less but this is maybe an incorrect, outdated picture. I wanted to delve into family-of-origin issues and to understand the primary drivers of my addiction. I felt that was mostly glossed over. It was in my estimation more focused on management, on applying techniques that had helped him overcome his own addiction. My mistake looking back was perhaps that I overrode my own sense that this was not a good match and still continued working with him. Consequently, I delved into understanding the causes of my addiction by buying and reading numerous books on addiction in general and sex/porn addiction specifically, codependence, emotional incest, etc., all of which was helpful but as someone stated on this forum that there is deep-seated misconception, perhaps delusion even, that if you just dig deep enough to the beginning of how it all started, you can somehow undo it or reverse it. I bought into that notion, no doubt. I think it goes back to thinking that if I have the knowledge, understanding, I can control it. Well, I think that I know better now. Frankly, what has been of greatest help to me thus far is Gary Wilson's book "Your Brain on Porn," which explains the whole issue of cravings, sensitization, and the rest. To me, there is no easy, pain-free way out of this: I've got to bite the bullet. Bottom-line. Yet, I am also aware that I, or some part of me, is still resisting, bargaining, as saying to itself: "what's in it for me"? or "what is my payoff, my reward even for letting this monster, demon go? What is also equally true is that I also want to face the demons, resistance because there is something inside of me that wants what is true, pure and simple. I don't think that I would be here, having this conversation with you, taking in your advice without this desire for truth. I want what is true.

    As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm now reading the book "No More Mr. Nice Guys," a book that I would recommend to any porn addict or anyone struggling with sexual compulsion. One of the reasons that I bought the book is that the author early on (I downloaded a free sample on my Kindle before I purchased the book) mentioned that in his experience as a counselor many "Mr. Nice Guys" struggle with being sexually compulsive, including of course, porn addiction. I've learned more from this book than the many sessions that I had with my counselor. So my question now for me is whether I want to go to a regular therapist who is not necessarily specializing in sexual addiction but who I can feel that I can build trust with, feel open to share with, bring out the shame and the malice inside, or once again try another sex addiction therapist. Regardless, I have decided that I don't want to work with anyone over the phone. It's got to be one-on-one, face-to-face, that much I know. Therefore Arizona, I would like to ask you what your experience with your therapist has been like (if you're open to talk about that, of course).

    (2) Treating my wife as a Goddess. I had an interesting reaction when I first read this part of your reply (I read your reply a couple of times or perhaps thrice, because there was a lot there to work with, be with). I kind of winced, truth be told, which may say more about me, or our marriage than anything. I love her. I do. Our marriage has not been easy (we've been together for 20 years) at times. We both carry baggage from our own childhood. I if were a clinician, I would diagnose our marriage as having many elements of co-dependency in it. My thing in life has been to please women, so as to get their love, approval. Herein lies the challenge perhaps, and as you so eloquently put it (paraphrasing you here, Arizona): the service, love, goodness, caring must be done without expecting anything in return. This is no doubt an ideal to aspire for but the grim the reality is that I'm human and fraught with human frailties, immaturity. In my estimation, the best that I can do, and the reason that I want to face pain, fear, resistance, the disowned parts of myself, is that I want to be true to me, that is, I want to serve this that I am. I want to be a person, a something with integrity. I want to live from and in authenticity. This is the only service I can provide. The rest is up to life, to God. I know this is true for me because as I type these last few sentences, I notice this energy moving through my body that has fire to it, as it is saying "yes."

    Thanking you for hearing my out, Arizona. I have great, great respect for you, fellow traveler, truth-seeker, wisdom-lover. I loved what you wrote about the decision rising up by itself (on the question of whether my wife and I will remain partners, lovers or part ways) rather artificially forcing it from a place of anger and insecurity. That rings very, very true. Be well.
  11. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Read a bit. Will read more and reply later. Possibly next week. Then I'll have time to really read and feel what you're saying.
    Good weekend.
  12. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    yeah, finding the right therapist is nice. I had a medium a month or 2 back which was tremendously helpful for me. And today I saw an experienced woman (70 years old?) that councelled couples with this porn issue most of her life. It was awesome. You can get so fast so deep if you have an experienced person to guide/help you.

    The books that helped me most the last ten years are 'non-violent communication' from Rosenberg and 'the new world' from Eckhart Tolle. The first may not be something for you, but the second is (if you want to read in the first place) maybe the best book you can read. About truth; the same realm Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Socrates and Einstein point to in their teachings. But then in a modern day easy-to-read book. That said, I hardly read anymore. Somehow the focus shifted to life itself.

    Maybe find a spiritual teacher or guru. You live in the USA? In San Francisco area they're easy to find. That may help more then a regular 'therapist'. I also had one 20 years ago or so… Only visited him twice. The rest of therapy was always more social/spiritual/real or whatever you want to call it.

    Or just find a pro in the area of porn addiction and pay a little extra. They usually still treat people in spite of having written books. Mine of today wrote several books. It goes so much faster to have a pro.

    About point 2, truth to be told, I'm already for long on a path of finding truth. And what I wrote there, is an expression of what is being revealed to me over time. It is the stuff of 'beyond the I'. The truth to live in the now and not in the past or future. To recognize the 'I' as simply an illusion. It's a long intense path, sometimes made with big falls/jumps/disolvements/letting go of built patterns and beliefs… And at the same time, that truth is always closer to you, then any illusion/interpretation of life…
    It's not easy to explain because it is so grandeur. And so simple at the same time. If you were somehow moved (and that moves me; a heart wishes only love and truth for other hearts), really, start with Eckhart Tolle, the new world.

    I spent 2 decades on/in christianity, but learned half as much from what Jesus meant in a few following years learning about Hinduism and Buddhism. They all point towards the same transformation.
    Also the gospel of Thomas (very small book, accepted as the oldest written gospel after Jesus's life by most scholars) is nice if you're already familiar with the bible.
    The new world from Tolle, and relating what he writes to your own findings and live, might speed up our understanding of each other here at this forum, faster then any writing you and I could do.

    Thanks for your kind reaction on my replies. Hope this one helps you too. :)
  13. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    And about relations… Simply said, we all start pure as kids. Then we encounter pains/rejection. Often not rejections of us, but our behavior, but often miscommunicated, hence we (as kids) experience rejection of who we rare. We then 'learn' strategies to avoid these pains (behavior and projections) by going away from truth and 'just playing the game' of life that others (parents, peers, teachers) appear to expect from us.

    In relationships, where the yearning to simply be accepted for who you really are, that stuff usually comes up again. First we show our better selves to court/flirt (can't find the right word here), then when settled, the real backgrounds from where the cover-up behavior comes from, appears.

    So when searching for truth, logically one has to go through unraveling the patterns built in ones youth to avoid the pains in the first place. But pain is a part of life. Suffering is not. And trying to avoid the pain, means suffering (This is the essence of the Buddhism teaching). So while unraveling, you deal with the pains you originally swept away; well… 'tried' to sweep away.

    So yeah, when becoming more intimate (with others, or with yourself), you will have to peel away the layers you added in the first place to hide the pain from true living. But the layers came with great cost… they also stopped us from breathing the real life in full. Everything became more dull. Both the pain as the real life enjoyment.

    So most relationships are about dealing with past pains. May they be dramatic or subtle, the principle stays the same. Sometimes the more dramatic have the advantage that they scream more to be dissolved. And the ones that have 'no issues', are usually the better hidden patterns, still often avoiding deeper truths in some way.

    Maybe this helps a bit too to recognize what's going on in your relationship. Once discovered, it's all quite simple. In the middle of it, often painful and complicated…
  14. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Thanks again, Arizona for taking time to reply and giving so much consideration to your answer. Again, I resonate with most of what you're writing about. It seems like you're in the process of peeling off layers of untruths, for the service of yourself and your loves ones. I started my spiritual journey, if that's the right term, about 13 years ago, so I have read Tolle's books and love them, along with many other books in the so-called non-dual genre. I learned about Rosenberg's work about 2 years ago and bought his book on non-violent communication. Since my early teens, I have been a seeker. I have also attended retreats with spiritual teachers, from which I benefited greatly.

    What I have come to see, and painfully so, is that there is also something called "spiritual bypassing" where there are areas of my life that I don't want to acknowledge, or don't want to shine the light on. Hence, I'm not reading a lot of spiritual books at the moment. I'm more inquiring into my own experience, moment to moment, as it unfolds, and as I have the wherewithal to do so. I just want to be real, true with myself, with this that I am. I rarely talk about spirituality or use spiritual terminology that I have picked up over the years. Frankly, I've lost interest in talking about it much. Instead, I want to experience for myself what is real, not what I read in books or being taught by spiritual teachers.

    My area of exploration/inquiry at the moment is why am I holding onto my addiction. What is it providing me? What am I avoiding, turning away from when I seek pleasure? Is it even truly pleasurable? That's what this journal is for me, an invitation to explore, inquire, notice what is here, the dullness, the aliveness, the whole enchilada. What I am noticing in reading others' posts is compassion and I am also noticing how arrogant that I have been in assuming that I am somehow more spiritually evolved than the typical porn addict. I am not. I'm amazed at reading your posts, Arizona, and those of others here. You've given me a lot of inspiration and good feedback. Have a good day, my friend.
  15. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Hey Newman, yeah, I stopped reading for basically the same reasons as you. Time to experience what I've learned. A few years back, I suddenly even had difficulties reading/keeping my focus, I think, for the reason just described. So also there. we follow similar findings it seems.

    I also recognize your expedition on seeing what the addiction does to you. Somehow my gf seems not to like this slow-pace method and also the medium told me, that there is time to investigate the blanket that's covering the heart, but after a while, that itself can turn into an obstacle, to just let the blanket go. The focus on the blanket, becomes the blanket.

    Gate gate, always look further beyond what you just discovered, and what after discovery sneakily turns into solid form again.

    Go beyond all. Even non-duality or duality. No matter how deep; they're also just obstacles. If you come across the Buddha in your meditation, kill it. you probably know that one too.

    Take care friend.
  16. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    "The focus on the blanket, becomes the blanket." Well spoken, Arizona. I enjoy the service that you're providing here on this forum. I can see that you're of great service to many, me included. I woke up feeling really crummy this morning, headache, grumpy, foggy, etc. I'm not sure if it's related to my abstinence from my life-escaping endeavor of choice. At the moment, I feel very resolved, that no matter what I will not choose the easy way out. That's something about affirming that position inside myself that feels so right, and so important. Off to work now. Be well, my friend.
  17. Giuseppe Garibaldi

    Giuseppe Garibaldi [url=

    It's a very good thread (sometimes a little difficult for me,I'm not good in english).
    I want to add my thoughts,even if I can't write about every interesting thing that I've read here.
    About "No more Mr nice guy",I wanted to read it...and now it's on my top 3 book to read.I know very well the situation in which a guy seek validation through others and especially from women.
    I was that guy,I am still that guy.I always thougt I'm not "nice",but in this years I realized the truth.
    I don't have a purpose in my life,my purpose is to be loved.
    Like a child.
    I don't want write every shade of this situation,the important is that if before this journey I began to understand this and other situations or issue of my life,now I can feel these things for real.
    It's incredible and painful,but before I could understand like it wasn't about me,now I can feel and I'm trying to fix the problems.
    Abstaing from porn is the necessary condition to start this inner journey.
    I understand you and I suggest to you to give necessary time.I'm 6 months and more of reboot and you know I went through terrible days.
    I'm not "recovered" but I know that there is the light at the end of the tunnel,even if I can't see it.But every day I'm a better person and I can feel more for real (it's not linear).
    The books that have helped me the most are "The brain that change himself" by Norman Doidge, "Your brain on porn" By Gary Wilson, and now I'm reading "The power of habits" by Charles Duhigg.
    The next will be "No more mr nice guy".

    Thank you for your sharing and if you want ask me,we are all on the same boat.

    Good luck!
  18. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Hi Giuseppe,

    Thank you for your reply to my post and thank you very much for your words of encouragement. I read Gary Wilson's "Your Brain on Porn" and I must say that it was the most important catalyst for me to want to stop my porn addiction. It helped explain a lot of what's going on inside the brain, the whole process of sensitization, etc. The book by Norman Doidge is on my list of books to read so I haven't gotten to it yet. As for the third book, "The Power of Habits," I just happened to stumble upon while browsing the bookstore recently. I read some pages of the book while thumbing through it and I filed it away as a book that I may want to read at some future point in time.

    My experience of reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" was at times painful, confronting, but also incredibly eye-opening. I see how this approval-seeking behavior has seeped into every aspect of my life. To tell you the truth, the title was a little off-putting for me ("no way, I'm not Mr. Nice Guy" kind of reaction on my part), but the attention-grabber for me was when the author early on in the book talked about how most "Mr. Nice Guys" struggle with sexual compulsions. For me, it was also helpful to understand the underlying reasons as to why a boy, and later a man, adopts this behavior - it's essentially a survival strategy. This gave me a sense of self-compassion, something that has been lacking a great deal in my life. Another book along the same theme is "Silently Seduced" by Kenneth M. Adams, who is also a sex addiction therapist. As always, you may not be able to relate to everything in the book as being "your story," but it may help explain some of the psychological underpinnings. At minimum, it can give a sense of self-compassion. Thanks again, Giuseppe. Wishing you the best.
  19. Giuseppe Garibaldi

    Giuseppe Garibaldi [url=

    Thank you Newman,
    I agree with you,the process of become truly aware of ourselves and our flaws is painful.I have to say that in the last week I recognized really my need of approval by woman and I don't know for sure who I am.
    I need to stop this and I need a purpose.
    So when I stumbled in your post I feel the desire to write here.
    And today I started No more mr nice guy,the introduction,and it's the book I need.
    And I have recognized myself in your words,when you say you are sneaky.I am a lot,and sometimes I feel terrible.
    But it's the price to pay to become a man and I don't want to escape anymore to my responsability.
    Thank you and thank to arizona,here in this virtual place I read very beatiful words written by men like me , and hungry for this kind of knowledge.
  20. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Thank you for your kind words, Giuseppe. I agree that the key to recovery is becoming aware, conscious, which is probably the one gift that this addiction can help us uncover. As you said, it's painful many times but also the reward of being conscious and truthful is a sense of inner freedom, I've noticed. I can all to well relate to not knowing who I am. Good luck on your journey and let us all be of support to each other. Best wishes.

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