Reluctant werwolf: The thing I'm most fearful of........

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by lysol77, May 17, 2017.

  1. lysol77

    lysol77 New Member

    I am trying again, I don't expect much from myself but, I will nonetheless give it another go. I been back and fourth on here for literally years. As a card-carrying member of NA I am sure this works and is nearly foolproof, although one must stick to it with perseverance. I went to SAA meetings for a year at the suggestion of my then sponsor and found many kindred souls there who were PMO only like myself. I also found many that I couldn't seem to identify with, but could mostly identify w/the feelings and emotions behind their OCD similar thoughts about acting out on "whatever". Anyway, I began a sexual relationship with a woman that sent me out of SAA and, consequently, led me to believe I didn't have a porn problem after all even though the reason it was suggested I go there in 1st place was the porn and aggression had cost me a marriage.
    So, I am back, reluctantly so. I wish I had a more positive position here but, I'm just being honest with myself. Defeated, check! Not really knowing what else to do, check! Hopeful in finding help here (not from myself), check!
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  2. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Welcome back to the forum, Lysol. Journaling here on a regular basis is what has helped me the most. Why the reluctance to come back?
     
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    You're back reluctantly because you don't want to give up your precious. Check.
     
  4. lysol77

    lysol77 New Member

    Thanks guys. Yes, giving PMO up hurts. Today is day # 1 and is nearly over. I have been trying to wear myself out w/activities cleaning, reading(more) and doubling up on my normal 15-20 minute jog. I honestly know I can do a day at a time. My problem is getting overly cocky and thinking I don't need to check in here or with anyone.
    Looking forward to hearing feedback & encouragement from anyone on here!
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Lysol,

    Welcome, I too tried a 12 step S-fellowship. I struggled to see past the issues others had but I did get that theirs was from the same root. I am a commitment phobe and used my wife's lack of support as an excuse to leave the fellowship.
    I see in the journals of others ways to get free of this stuff.
    Grey
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Somewhere down deep I thought I was better than other people. I believed my problem was that I just got a raw deal. I blamed my mom, my spouse, and my lack of energy for my life not being what I fucking knew it could be. I've learned here that I needed to get over my sad self. I have gained so much strength from this community and have realized that the only person responsible for me is me.

    I'm glad you're here and look forward to your journey, brother.
     
    Wabi-sabi likes this.
  7. lysol77

    lysol77 New Member

    I know this is only day 2 but seems easier sometimes when I don't have the accountability, when I know others are "in my corner" having faced the same struggles (PMO) on the same journey (day 2) there's a voice in me saying f**k these faceless beings on the screen, I'm in control here. Oh, wait a sec. I'm the one that came back here looking for answers to the problems I can't seem to solve. I am in control of my actions, NOT my thinking today!
    Odysseus......was tied to the mast as he wanted to hear the song. He told his sailors not to untie him as it would only make him want to drown himself.
     
  8. lysol77

    lysol77 New Member

    In to day 3 and staying vigilant as I go. Cautiously optimistic and staying busy at the same time. I feel more hopeful and more accountable when I post/read/check-in here on YBR.
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  9. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Whatever happens my advice is not to disappear.
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  10. lysol77

    lysol77 New Member

    Still here and appreciating the suggestions from you guys on here. the day for my is nearly one, another day of business, some sharing w/others and now in bed with my little daughter watching TV in my room. Not something I often allow but, I'm needing that little extra help to get back the normal routine of no PMO which, by now is normal unfortunately.
     
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Doing something with your beautiful daughter is wonderful. Small positive moves, one step at a time. It's in the mundane things that our lives transform.
     
  12. lysol77

    lysol77 New Member

    Well, today after today I'll have a complete week. Not trying to count my chickens before eggs hatch or anything, but am somewhat grateful for being back on the right track. I mean the alternative, or the norm, has been looking to the nightly ritual of PMO and thinking it somehow will give me that certain something that makes me be able to live another day. The reality is it leaves me more lost and socially inadequate to the point the only thing I have left to do to relieve those feelings is, well, to do it all over again. The downward spiral never seems to end.
    Alas, I am here (still) and trying to find a new way, a way out of the aforementioned "spiral." I will continue to post and read, it helps. The comments are like adhesive keeping me returning for answers!
     
  13. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    I could not have done it without this community! Give yourself a pat on the back for week 1. ;)
     
    lysol77 likes this.
  14. lysol77

    lysol77 New Member

    Adding to this late because I could've very well been participating in PMO at this time. Thank God today, tonight, this morning whatever, I'm posting here and not having to deal w/the unwanted shame & guilt that today I CHOOSE not to participate in.
    I had a date tomorrow I was meeting a woman from a dating I'd met and she quickly wanted to meet me half way(we're nearly 200 miles apart). I thought it odd the fact she had quickly closed her acct. after she met me, exchanged phone numbers and wanted to meet me in a hotel she encouraged me to secure. Nevertheless, I complied and continued to abstain from PMO (I would've normally been using her as another PMO and fantasy). I continued to read, spend quality time w/friends & family, attend 12 step recovery mtgs and EXERCISE daily. At 50 I'm grateful to be able to exercise swim, bike, and run, this makes me tired at night (PMO time). Then yesterday she never contacted me or replied to my text, today, late in day she finally answers my text, saying she'd been sick. I played it cool, at least I thought I did, and told her we could do it at a later date.
    Now I have noticed That I had been using her as a way to not PMO and when our Hotel room "date" fell through I felt like a snuck, a loser for even falling for it. But again, here I am not destroying my peace and serenity that NOT PMOing has given me!
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Victory, brother. These are huge challenges for us. Without PMO the angels are with us. :)
     
  16. lysol77

    lysol77 New Member

    I read on here much about the brain and it's wiring, and the activation of dopamine when I use PMO. I am staring 2 weeks in the face today and I'm not completely sure I understand the flatline and if I'm in one, from what I read about it I'm thinking I'm not. Anyway, I have been exercising to find other means of getting dompamine that seems to be working, but I know it's much more complex than that.
    "As an addict I am subject to relapse at any time" not an excuse to PMO, more a reason for me to be even more vigilant in garding it.
     
  17. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    You will know when you hit one...neither porn nor real women will register as sexually appealing. It's probably the most important sign of showing that you're really making big brain changes, in my opinion.

    I didn't hit mine until about Day 60 hardmode...everyone is different. When I hit it, I had disabled all images on my laptop. Keep clean at all costs...PMO is not an option, just take it one day at a time.
     
  18. lysol77

    lysol77 New Member

    I don't know who exactly on here said it but, keep posting and reading the good news on this site. I am tired of the shallow self-absorbed life of bad news I've been living and looking for answers in right places like YBR is more helpful than I imagined.
     
    40New30 likes this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There is an oversupply of negativity in our world, to be sure. One of the best things about starting out on a life free from PMO is that we begin to see so many positives. Even the air begins to smell sweeter. Society keeps us all in our places by stoking negativity and fear. We are breaking those bonds, one man at a time, one step a time, one day at a time. The real revolutions is happening right on these pages.
     
    Libertad likes this.
  20. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Most of us have been numb for years, getting rid of PMO addiction is one step, we all have to build a better life so that porn has no appeal anymore. Keep at it.
     
    Saville likes this.

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