Release this vice

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by GentlemanToBe, Apr 16, 2012.

  1. GentlemanToBe

    GentlemanToBe New Member

    Hello all,

    PMO has been an integral part of my life for the past 14 years of a total of 24. I was at the time stressed over the switch to middle school, my parents' divorce, and the mid-life-crisis stepmom my dad picked up. Everybody was eager as all-get-out at the time to let me know how healthy MO is, and perhaps it is, but I allowed that to validate my no-doubt unhealthy approach towards the subject, something that occurred each night leading to multiple times a night.

    The story of how PMO entered my life is nothing of particular mention; I'm sure very standard. What I never attributed to PMO but have experienced through my years is depression, occasional panic attacks, obsessive thoughts of suicide, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of immaturity, was diagnosed with ADD, and I'm sure the list goes on.

    My PMO acted as a sort of gateway drug, and I experimented with everything I could get my hands on, which got me kicked out of college after negligence towards my own self preservation. Of course my reward circuitry's one true love was and has always been PMO, and I eventually stopped drugs and alcohol of my own accord.

    Four years later, caught up in a job that I work online from home and experiencing a social anxiety worse than I ever thought imaginable--inability to look people in the eyes, my smile and laugh never, never legitimate, always forced, breathing issues, and other signs of anxiety--I had to accept that there was something that I had not yet discovered as the underlying cause. Even after one-on-one counseling with a professional, I was dumbstruck over why I was so disfunctional.

    Lo and behold! I happened upon, and after a few pages, it was clear what is wrong. I am flabbergasted that social anxiety and depression could be caused by PMO. And it never occured to me that all of the failed personal and impersonal relationships I have had recently could be attributed to it either. Quite frankly, my life right now is a God-damned mess.

    I don't want to be ashamed of myself or disgusted by myself.

    I want to be proud of myself. I want to be free of this damaging vice.

    I start this journal on day six of my new life. Thanks for reading.
  2. GentlemanToBe

    GentlemanToBe New Member

    Oof, there have been easier days. I have felt only slight urges towards PMO, but the lack of dopamine et al is really weighing on me. I'm sure it doesn't help that a very close friend of people I live with is dying of cancer in the most extravagant way. I sure as hell know how to pick a time to quit a lifelong addiction, ha ha. I think quitting is one of those things that cannot wait. Nobody ever loses weight who says, "I'll begin my diet next month." No, I stand behind my decision and will not give up. With a new tab open and nowhere to go, whereas my fingers used to whip up my favorite porn site, they're starting to learn yourbrainonporn and yourbrainrebalanced.
  3. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    Hi Gentleman!

    I'm 47 years old and heartily wish I'd never got started with porn. I'm getting free of it now though and it's the best decision I've made in some time.

    At 24 you have a fantastic and long life free of porn ahead of you. DO IT 8)
  4. Overload

    Overload New Member

    Fantastic post GentlemanToBe. I can relate to so many of these things its scary. Stay strong.. this will be worth it. You have a ton of great support here. Your doing great.
  5. GentlemanToBe

    GentlemanToBe New Member

    liveinthenow, Overload it's great to meet you two. Thank you for your support.

    On day nine, now, no regrets. It's like I have discovered a whole new person that has been chained inside of this body for most of my life, unable to get out. I'm letting him roam free, and the results are astronomical. There is no way I could revert back to my old life. My nerves are going through a deep-tissue massage. It's starting to feel that I am not in need of defending myself every time I'm out in public. Rather, I am forging positive relationships and ignoring anybody I don't get along with, whereas before I would barely get by with those people I could have created great relationships with and found myself in bad relationships with the people I now ignore.

    Very polarized emotions... Life can be the complete pits one day, and I'm on top of the world the next. Very interesting.
  6. GentlemanToBe

    GentlemanToBe New Member

    Day 19, Though I have been neglecting my journal, I do write on paper here and there.

    It is interesting being a sentient being but bound to one's hormones. As a (self-proclaimed) thoughtful guy, what I really would like is to spread compassion because there is nobody I know who doesn't need it. As a male human being in more or less his prime, what I really want is to go grab the closest and sexiest girl by the waist, rip her panties off, and ravish her. Going through this reboot, I do wonder how much of this impulse is hormonal and how much is nurture.

    My first years in puberty I found myself deciding that what is important to me is not the smooth skin, rounded hips, perky breasts, flowing hair, and symmetrical features but the fire in her eyes, in her heart. At some point in high school when I decided that I was developing (most likely erroneously--this is probably something all people consider of themselves) into a handsome guy, already four+ years of PMO, I decided: screw that, I could get the sexiest of them; get 'em while I'm young with the big balls and all that. Of course, growing up, nothing seems as black and white. I had an excellent relationship with a wonderful girl, but there was little sexual attraction, and my ED with her (probably 7 years of PMO by now?) led me to believe that it could not work out. On the flip side, I had a fiery relationship with a god-damned heart-stoppingly-beautiful girl. However, she was stuck in her mind just as much as the next good-looking person, lost in the world our minds are so eager to create. There's the raw data; which relationship was better? The genuine connection or the hormonal, let-me-get-my-dick-wet fling?

    How much PMO has betrayed me! Now I will never know what parts of those connections were real, and which were artificially engendered by my lusting ballsack. That is--excuse me--as YBOP points out, the lust is in the reward circuitry, my hunger for dopamine, not the groin. It is, of course, obvious that I invested in the wrong relationship following my dick's nose as compared to my heart.

    So these withdrawal symptoms, fury, depression, disassociation, extreme solitude, euphoria, are these simply all of those emotions resurfacing that I blocked out at the end of the day when I whipped open the laptop and dropped trou? Have I really numbed out for more than half of my life?! I hate to end this on a bad note, but I'm afraid I don't have anything more to add. I'm a little all over the place this evening, but throwing my thoughts down in writing lets me X out another calendar day. Cheers.
  7. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    I don't think this kind of emotional roller coaster is normal and I have noticed something similar (although not as intense) in myself. I'm guessing it's hormonal. When we are neither shooting nor producing the usual bucket loads of anemic jizz required to keep up with a "5 faps a day" habit it has to have some kind of effect while the body readjusts. It's my guess that this is what is happening here.
  8. GentlemanToBe

    GentlemanToBe New Member

    Indeed, inthenow, the body readjusting. Yeah, farming it for reproductive goo must have really thrown it around the ringer! It is certainly an interesting experience.

    Day 21. Heyo! Three weeks no PMO. A few things I thought might be worth sharing:

    I found one of my triggers: grooming. Always after a thorough cleanup of the area downstairs, I felt entitled to a good solid PMO session. This mentality ingrained in me, this weekend made for a difficult couple of days, having groomed Saturday morning. I would be interested to hear if other people found similar results.

    I was reading through the success stories area when I found this quote from a list of benefits PDF. "I think that sleaze vibe women get from creepy dudes is shame." This resonated with me. When I was still deep in the PMO phase, there was always some shade of shame whenever I interacted as if should people find out what exactly I did with my free time, they would be disgusted... which might not be far from the truth. Matter of fact, I was disgusted consciously some of the time and likely subconsciously much more of the time.

    Thank you, YBR, for being such a worthy resource. I will make a bigger effort to take part in the forums more actively.
  9. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Gent and welcome,
    Good job on reaching 3 weeks.

    I went through some traumatic stuff at age 14 (see my journal--Winning) so I can relate. Being a victim is not mutally exclusive from having responsibility and control of our lives.
    Like you, I've had a hard struggle with shame. It's not easy to talk about but it is improving. It's in my journal too.

    You're young and bright so you are primed to succeed in beating this PMO addiction.

    You've already made a couple of great decisions. Of course, you joined this site.
    Second, you're realizing something it took me ages to understand: there are people you need to leave behind in your jouney.
    You don't need to engage every jerk just because they cross your radar.

    You pick the best group of friends and associates and your life improves automatically.
    Be well,

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