3/22/2020 Well, unfortunately enough I am writing this after a bit of a binge. It’s relatively easy for me to identify my triggers that lead to this. Firstly, the night before my day off I wasted a good amount of time watching mindless youtube videos, and I ended up not setting an alarm and sleeping in. Then it was morning wood, which lead to me using some dating apps. In one way it feels like using dating apps is in the right direction because I was seeking out real females over the apps. That said, many of them I don’t even find that attractive and there’s a good chance I wouldn’t like them if we met in person. But, since they like my profile and respond to messages and it’s all in 2d, my mind’s like ‘ehh I can tolerate not finding this person even remotely attractive, they have an alright body.’ At least for me at this point, dating apps can end up being just another type of porn. I followed some of the same habits. I was opening multiple tabs, awaiting their responses in the same way I would be skipping to or waiting for the “good part” of a P video. I would also get bored and click on a new profile for a new rush. Then, this lead to escort services and websites like that. To the point where a part of me was seriously considering actually getting an escort. So it steadily just escalated. So it’s probably activating the same neural pathways as P websites. I know beating myself up over it will do no good and am trying hard not to do so. That said, it’s a fine line because if I have no discipline then I justify continuing to use it and ignoring the consequences. But, the past couple years I have really just slumped in a lot of ways. So, when I am at home I’ve just been distracting myself with mindless entertainment. Mostly youtube videos, netflix, social media, tried out video games for a while. It’s really all bullshit that I do not enjoy the vast majority of the time, except for maybe the rare thought-provoking youtube video or engrossing movie. And, as of the new year, I’ve been wanting to dedicate myself more to my passions, and limiting the mindless entertainment/social media. And I have also been confronting my use of porn as well. I’ve been steadily using p about 2, sometimes 3 times a week (some weeks it’s more) for about the past year and a half. Sometimes I will binge though and do it twice or more in the same day. After I go on a streak, it feels like I’m building up tension that needs to be released. So I end up seeing quitting PMO as unnecessary. Because it sort of feels like it helps me to release this tension that builds up. That said, there is also some major downsides and things I feel negatively affect me. One, after I use porn, especially the next day, but generally for the next 2-3 days after, I feel this sort of very terrible, inescapable misery. It’s just this awful irritation and a complete intolerance of people. It’s like I can’t get clean no matter how long I shower. I don’t like how my hair feels, I don’t like how my skin feels or brushes against things. It’s like I’m confined and constrained in a straitjacket that I so desperately want to take off, but I can’t because it’s my body. It’s beyond zombified, it’s just agony. I will become so angry at myself for such little things like bumping into something, dropping something, etc. This will gradually subside over the course of 5 days or so of no PMO. I feel more social, comfortable in my own skin, more open-minded, more engaged in my own life generally speaking. That said, it’s like at that point, I have so much tension that’s building up that feels like it needs a release. My biggest triggers right now are morning wood, dating apps, and M with no P. The morning wood is also a pro because it’s natural and a good sign that I’m re-balancing. That said, it leads me to want to edge, or at least M with no O. But I find if I do this, throughout my day, I end up feeling even more anxious than if I would have if I O’d. I then feel like I’m carrying a sort of tension and irritation around with me, like there’s a glowing red aura below my belt, and everyone can sense it and I am reflecting my negativity from my PMO onto them. That said, it is a different kind of tension than the misery I feel after I do a full PMO. It feels like I am undoing a giant knot, sifting and sorting through things, starting to pull back the cloak of this problem and get to the root as to why I do it. It’s incredibly hard to face. It’s like the elephant in the room; it’s in my peripheral vision but I don’t want to look directly at it. My social skills are still really lacking, but I’ve been trying to exercise that social muscle more. It’s awkward and frustrating with people because often times we will both talk at the same time, and I don’t know whether to shut up and listen or finish what I was saying. Also, I stutter a little bit, fumble my words, and don’t articulate things as well as I would like to. I also end up feeling like I’m bothering the other person, they probly don’t have time for me, so I sort of send them on their way, so as not to inconvenience either of us. This goes both for friendships and relationships with females. I guess my goal would be to “get a girlfriend” but at this point that seems like a trying obstacle. It feels like there’s no chance for me to ever do that, not with a woman I find attractive anyway. The dating apps are bullshit at this point and meeting chicks in person is terrifying, not to mention I do not drink and do not have the club-goer personality.