Thanks for your thoughts, Rudolph. I did used to write, a lot. I basically spilled out all of my history with porn, pain, depression, my sexuality, dealing with my emotions, and my years of loneliness in a notebook. And that helped a lot. I found it one of the most therapeutic exercises I've ever done, but that was four years ago, and I throw the notebook away thinking that I didn't need it anymore because it one point I went on a streak of 150 days or so and thought I'd cracked it. Now I just feel so stuck in my routine that I don't give myself time to write, I always find myself rushing from one thing to the next. And no time to think. So maybe I should start that up again. Accountability partner would also help, but I'm not sure I like the idea of giving an app all of my browsing data. It seems a bit intrusive, whereas what I really want to feel is free from all this stuff, not to be trapped by it. I would love to read some success stories again. For those people who really kicked the habit, what worked for them? Did they use blockers? Streaks? Was it more of a mindset change? I haven't read a success story in a long time so maybe I need to start re-evaluating what I'm doing and learn from people who have done it best.
Today I really lost the plot. Like seriously fucking lost my mind. Every kind of vice that you can imagine of, hours of going on all the websites that I know I shouldn't. I felt in so much pain and that relapsing would be the only thing that could provide some relief. I also realise that I haven't practised mindful meditation in 4-5 days and my mind feels weak. I spent a lot of the weekend drinking and staying up late, and now the tiredness today has just taken over. As Dr Jud notes, the prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain which provides you with willpower, but is always the one that goes offline the quickest when you're tired/stressed/depressed. I just need to remind myself to "look into myself". The journal, mindfulness, taking time to think things through. They are all part of the same solution and problem - that I completely disassociate from myself when I relapse. I lose the connection to my own sense of self, and divulge in really bad habits without thinking about why I am doing this, or the impact that it has. I need to start bringing the 'self' back in - remembering who I am, what I should be doing, and my purpose in life.
So today, I feel like karma has hit me. I spent a lot of the day on my phone on apps I shouldn't have been on, and then today at the gym, a weight dropped on my phone smashing it up completely. Call me superstitious, but part of me thinks this was the universe telling me something. I spent so much of the day on my phone and I wasn't even enjoying, I was just mindlessly scrolling for no reason, and now I can't do that at all, and honestly I feel so relieved that I can't even go on my phone or do any of that stuff. I might put off buying a new phone for a few days, because I'm actually enjoying not having one right now. Maybe this is the wake up call that I finally needed.
honestly, when I first discovered about YBOP and all GARY WILLSON'S videos on youtube I was really excited that finally I have found the real reason for my PIED AND SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION and started my NOFAP JOURNEY very seriously. I would come across posts on reddit nofap and on here about people struggling with this for 3-5 years. Reading those post I used to think this people can't be serious at all. How can someone in spite of knowing how dangerous this addiction is can not get rid of it. I thought to myself I was not going to be that person. fast forward. 3.5 years later I find myself in the same spot when I first discovered nofap. But to be honest in this last 3.5 years my addiction has gotten a lot less severe. Now I have a lot more control and clearer mind. In this last 3.5 years I have gained a lot of experience and learned a lot of lessons. Life is not easy or difficult it is all about one day at a time . I would strongly urge you to leave your past behind of you. You are still young and has a lot of time left before you are old . It just takes one day to turn your life around 180 degree. You can do it. Just one bad habbit at a time.
Thanks Reyaan Ali, I really appreciate your thoughts. And yeah, we are in a much better position than I was in a few years ago. I think people tend to link their porn addiction to everything else shitty going on in their life. But after having read Dr Jud's book and listened to a lot of his stuff, I think I understand a lot more what's going on. I'm not addicted to porn or those other sites, I'm addicted to the dopamine that they release. And it just so happens that my dopamine release comes from porn. But what if I changed the way I think? What if I stopped relying on dopamine to get me by? Or what if I got my dopamine from other things, like going to the gym, or going on a run, or meeting friends, or finishing a chapter of a good book. All I need to do is stop looking at porn and masturbating. That's the only thing I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to fix all my life problems. I'm not trying to become a different person. All I'm trying to do is become aware of my choices, and make better ones. Everything else good will come after that. Keep going man, we will do this!
Been stuck in a never-ending cycle. I go a few days, and then relapse again. And then relapse again, and go a few good days. And then relapse again. I just need to have a different mind-set. There are no good days and bad days, no streaks and relapses. There is just my life without addiction. That's all there is.
I find Counting days, setting a target and achieving it really helpful. Why don't you set a target such as 7 days and achieve it. Then make it 10 and achieve it. You should also have a reward in mind to motivate yourself. My reward for achieve my target is 1) My PIED will start to heal! 2) I will get to have real sex 3) Clear Mind and better mood Etc
Thanks very much for your thoughts Reyaan. I agree that I've completely lost my way and that setting a streak goal could be a good way of re-motivating myself. To be honest, I have avoided using streaks because I have read a lot about other users who have done it successfully saying that streaks are a bad way to live your life without porn, because then you are always focusing on not watching porn or relapsing, when really you should be focusing on your life without porn. However, what I have learnt over the last 2-3 years is that there is no one answer or one way to quit this habit. My problem is that I always try to change my strategy and think I've solved everything when that strategy works for a few days. The answer is not just counting the days, or not just being mindful and aware of your choices, or not just motivating yourself with other life goals. The way to successfully beat this thing is to combine all these things and use every tool available at your disposal. So, starting from today, I have re-downloaded all the blockers on my phone and laptop. I am going to set myself a goal of Saturday without relapsing, that's all. On Saturday I go on a trip with my partner for a few days so hopefully that means I'll automatically not relapse. And then that will get me to almost a week just like that. I am also going to try and meditate for 10 minutes everyday. And I am also going to try and focus on the positive things in my life, on my life goals, and set myself some other goals that can motivate me on things other than just not relapsing. Hoping for better times ahead.
Day 0 - So here we are at groundhog day. Attempting another go at this before I completely self-destruct. To be honest, my brain feels completely in tatters at the moment. I am finding it very difficult to motivate myself to do anything. I have a constant low-level feeling of depression and anxiety. Nothing is making me happy or inspiring me at the moment. I can't remember the last time I actually felt genuinely happy. All the time I feel on edge and I think this is fuelling my addiction as I'm constantly looking for that dopamine hit as a way of instant gratification. But of course the more I relapse, the more depressed and anxious it also making me. And I am caught doing habits that I feel myself hating while I am doing them. I don't know how much of this related to my addiction, and how much is related to other factors in my life. I feel completely stuck in a rut in terms of my job, where I'm living, my relationship, where my life is heading. I just feel completely directionless at the moment. I'm hoping that if I go sometime with using porn or relapsing, my head fog will clear up somewhat and I will be able to think about things with clarity and a bit more positivity.
When you start a recovery journey you should always remind yourself what you are dealing with. Here we are talking about PMO addiction. Mood swings, anxiety, irritability, apathy and ofcourse cravings to PMO are going to be your obstacles! It will take some time to go away. Let's say a month! You have to be aware of your thought process in the beginning! Meditation is insanely helpful with that! I have been meditating 30 minutes on an average per day since I started this streak! Physical Exercise of 10-15 minutes are really helpful! It doesn't have to be in the gym or anything heavy. Just jumping jacks, crunches, pushups, squats, plank etc. You can easily get an app for that! Daily Journal helps with your whys and hows which helps maintain a strong sense of purpose! Don't burden yourself with many goals at a single time. You one and only priority at this moment is to not look at porn and not touch your dick expect for peeing and cleaning! Regarding counting days I agree with you! But it doesn't have to be for forever! It's like a boat. Once you complete your journey you leave it at the lake. You don't carry it around on your back! Similarly you can set a target of certain amount of days when you reach that goal you slowly leave it behind! I wish you all the best and don't forget to eat healthy!
Hi guys, thanks so much for checking in. Means a lot that there are people out there actually looking out for me on this journey! Reyaan - I love your metaphor about the boat - it makes a lot of sense to me. So the last month or so since I lasted posted has not been good. I've been relapsing pretty much every day or every other day and really felt so down about everything. This weekend I feel like all my chickens have come home to roost. I'm pretty ill and I feel like it has mainly been induced by my feelings of stress and anxiety, which are 1000x worse than they otherwise would be thanks to relapsing. I had a pretty stressful week at work with some heavy deadlines, but rather than being relaxed and dealing with it methodically, I worked myself up so much and every day I would get myself in such a frenetic way that I would obviously end up relapsing. I would spend hours worrying about relapsing, and that once I relapsed I would worry more, and it really turned into a very negative cycle. Stressing weakens your immune system and I feel like this level of stress and mental health all week really led to the current illness that I'm dealing with. In some ways, when you're ill has a way of freeing itself cos your body is just focused on fighting the illness and in a really weird way, this sickness has actually made me relax and get some perspective on things. Over the last few months, I have developed a really negative mindset on my life and the way things are going - constantly seeing the downside in everything (my job, the city I moved to, my partner, my relations with people). People have started noticing it a lot more - my friends and family have all made comments recently about my seeming more down and depressed. So I've ended up in a negative cycle where I feel down, and because I feel down, I relapse, and then when I relapse, I stress about the impact it has, and then I stress more, so I have more of a tendency to relapse again. I really need to get out of this negative cycle. I make the choices, I am in control. If I'm down about my living situation, I need to start making some changes. To go out, make some more friends, focus on other things that make me happy (Reading, getting gripped on a TV series, exercise, spending quality time). I need to start thinking positively about all the good things in my life, I need to change my mindset and react differently to all the things that I stress about. Creating a positive mindset. That is really what this is all about. I'm 3 days in to a streak - let's make that a week, and go from there.
I looked through all my posts again for the past year, and it was really depressing just how cyclical everything is. I literally kept on going on the same cycle of doing good for a few days, then relapsing, then getting angry, then questioning everything, then thinking I had some big realisation about how to crack it, then repeat and repeat over and over again. Instead of getting stuck in this cycle, why don't I just move on from it? Today, I got home from the gym in the early afternoon and I had two options. I could either go and join my friend at an outdoor market and spend some time outside, or I could relapse and spend over an hour edging before eventually just ruining my whole afternoon. Which one do you think I did? Which one did I tell myself, "oh and it's just one last time and then I'm done forever" or "I'll just take a peek and then I'll stop"? Unfortunately it was the second option. But here's the crazy thing, I could have just as easily done option one. But because I'm stuck in this cycle of constantly getting hooked and convincing myself that tomorrow I will finally defeat the porn addiction, I just re-inforce my bad habits. Everytime a thought of relapsing enters my mind, I follow it. But practising mindfulness is really starting to show me that I don't need to follow my thoughts to their conclusion, I can just let the thought come, do its dance, and disappear. In the same way that I don't follow my thoughts when they tell me to send angry emails to my clients, or to think there might be a thrill in stealing a chocolate bar. Thoughts are just thoughts, and this habit is just me acting repeatingly on these thoughts. A habit is just something you do repeatedly. I used to be in the habit of spending hours on Youtube. I used to be in the habit getting up at 5am in the morning. Habits can change, and so can I. So rather than just getting stuck in this endless cycle, why don't I just move beyond it? I'm 27 years old. I have so much going for me in my life right now - it's time to move on.
Why do I persist in doing things that I know bring me unhappiness and pain? Today and yesterday, I was in a fairly good mood when I got up and was having a productive morning and then at about 10am on both days I relapsed and edged for about an hour on both days. I didn't enjoy it; I actually hated every second, and it ruined my day on both days. There was a flicker in me for a few seconds that told me that it would give me the dopamine that I completely crave and desire, but then instead of ignoring this urge, I ended up following it to its destructive conclusion. My mind is just completely hooked on getting this dopamine hit and I will trick myself into thinking that relapsing will get me where I need to be, even though once I relapse, the exact opposite happens and it destroys my mood and my whole day. It's just so damn predictable. Everytime I want to relapse, I need to remind myself that it will have the opposite effect that I think it will. But the truth is that my brain is so hooked on this dopamine because I feel so hopelessly sad and depressed all the time. I feel so passive, drifting through life, not seizing anything and not fulfilling my potential. Time to end this shit and write a new script.
What helps me is reminding myself all the times that I had a naked girl in my bed and I suffered PIED, and all the embarassment and rage that I felt afterwards. I don't want to experience these feeling again.
You're exactly right Dr Jekyll. You really just have to remind yourself that nothing good will ever come from relapsing. The dopamine hit is boring and is far outweighed by the pain and long-term negative effects of relapsing. Once you realise this everything should come into place. Relapsing is not the pick-me-up you think it is. Actually it just makes everything worse. I'm so bored of this being my reality. Time for something new.
Happy new year everyone! It has been a weird journey over the last couple of months. There were a couple of times that I've been on holiday on my partner and therefore obviously not relapsed, or at the weekends when we're both together, and my happiness levels are 100x what they normally are. I actually feel like I'm living life, I can feel my emotions, I feel attached to what we're doing, and I actually feel present in the moment. And I remember what life is like when I'm not completely hooked on this destructive dopamine-craving. But then as soon as I get any extended time on my own again, of course the first thing I do is relapse. The question I keep on asking myself, is why do I keep on doing something that I know is so destructive, and that I actually get very little pleasure out of doing? It's not even like I remotely enjoy it when I relapse. The answer is of course that I want the dopamine hit. But the reason I want the dopamine hit I think is very linked to feelings of stress, anxiety, duty, and shame that I've not been dealing with over the last couple of years. Every morning I wake up with a sense of dread and anxiety. Some mornings it dissipates fairly quickly and I'm able to move past it but other days it lurks over me like a heavy cloud. I'm sure this anxiety is inextricably linked to my need to relapse, and sometimes it gets better after I relapse although most of the time it gets worse. I also feel myself getting much dumber, as a result of this addiction. My brain doesn't feel sharp anymore. I feel myself completely hooked to technology and mobile phones. I'm not able to stay connected or to hold my attention for a long time. I feel like the quality of written English and communication has really deteriorated. My problem solving and critical thinking ability has also gone down. I don't feel passionate about anything anymore. I used to be quite creative, to be able to think and write creatively, but I no longer feel any passion towards anything. What even are my hobbies? My interests? What do I even want to do with my life? Honestly, I feel a complete shell of my former self. I want to get back to feeling my normal self again, with passions, hopes, energies. I want to feel like I'm achieving something with my time again, like my existence is worthwhile and that I have wider aims and goals that I want to work towards. Finally, over the last few weeks am I finally starting to see how all the dots are connecting. I am not just trying to get rid of an addiction, I am trying to build a better life for myself. So the start of 2023 has not been great in terms of relapsing but I do feel like I have a much clearer picture of my life now, and the direction I need to head in. A lot of is not good, but at least now I am having some self-reflection, I can finally start to build my life back together again. Here's to a much brighter 2023.
This is all just thoroughly boring now. I am 27 years old and I keep on obsessing over masturbation and porn and cyber-sex and all these really boring habits that most people have completely grown out of by this age. I first realised I had a porn addiction when I was 20 years old and my life has been going in circles since then. I have a boyfriend who I love, I have a well-paying job that excites me and offers me a chance to grow, I am living in a new city with lots of opportunities to meet people and make new friends. So what the hell am I doing? Why am I making my life revolve around this issue? Why am I choosing to make my narrative and my thoughts and my journey about whether or not I wank to porn or cyber sex? Instead of living my life for the last ten years, I have been focusing on completing this "challenge". The whole narrative of my life has been about whether or not I am wanking, to the point where I rarely think about anything else in my journey. The truth is, and my boyfriend said this the other day, "wanking is for losers". It's not some forbidden fruit, it's not some delicious treat, it's not an enjoyable past-time, it doesn't make me feel good - it's just plain lame. It's what losers do. It's what people do who have nothing better to do with their time. It's what people do when they're suffering and they have nothing else to turn to. Instead of doing it because I can't think of anything better to do, why don't I literally do anything else? And truth is I am being a loser. It is what I am doing when I have free time, outside of all the other fulfilling or creative or purposeful things I could be doing. When I go home and finish the day, and I don't have any recreational activity to do, I instead just choose to wank. Because I can't think of anything better to do. And at the moment I'm spending 60-90 minutes a day just doing this. Sometimes even hours. Imagine all the other things I could be doing with that time. Because the truth is I am completely lacking in motivation right now for my life. I feel like a shell wondering around. When did I stop living life or feeling anything? When was the last time I properly felt any emotion, or happiness, or joy in the moment? Instead of doing anything productive, I am choosing to waste away. To waste my talents, my energy, my creativity, my productivity, to waste everything into masturbation. And it's having a terrible impact on my mental health. I feel anxious and depressed all the time. Suicidal thoughts are quite frequent. And all for what - for 60 minutes of horrible, boring, sad wanking. When we frame masturbation and porn addiction as the final frontier, the great challenge, the forbidden ecstasy, it makes it exciting. I realise that, in my head, I get a huge dopamine hit from masturbation, not because I actually enjoy doing it, but because it's a naughty, forbidden thing to do. In some ways, it's even quite thrilling to masturbate when my boyfriend is away because I even get the thrill of doing something I know I shouldn't be doing. But the truth is, when I actually pay attention, masturbation is completely sad and thoroughly boring. And that truth should be enough to set me on a different path. And maybe it can for you too.
