Regaining the Will

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ComebackKid77, Apr 9, 2021.

  1. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    Hi all,

    So I have struggled this for 5 or 6 years. This is my third thread on here, having first posted on here when I was 20 and then 23. Now I am almost 26 and I have the same problems I did before.

    There was a year of my life when I was 24 when I thought I had really solved this problem and barely PMOed at all, but for some reason I am now stuck in a never-ending cycle of masturbating and pleasuring myself on roulette chat webcams. This is despite having an amazing and loving boyfriend. I know I'm a terrible person for doing this but I just can't stop. I've completely lost the will to change my pattern of behaviour.

    So now, I am setting up my third thread on here to re-boot myself, to re-energise, and to finally re-gain the will to beat this thing and live a life free from porn, free from addiction, and freedom from my darkest desires.

    Let's do this thing!
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  2. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So one thing I've learnt through this horrible five year journey is that the key to stopping addiction and going on good streaks is to understanding why you relapse in the first place. It is not enough to just want to stop, you have to understand what feelings, thoughts, and emotions are making you relapse, and address the underlying issues beyond your relapse. So that is what I'm trying to do - I need to take a pause and really reflect on what are the reasons behind my relapse? What is making me relapse? What gives me the urge to do these horrible things on webcams and betray my boyfriend like this?

    I think one thing is instant validation and gratification. Relationships can be hard work, they require patience, determination, commitment, compromise, and understanding. Porn or relapsing is easy - I can just please myself in a few minutes online. Part of my relapsing I'm sure is just due to laziness and my selfish and greedy desire for instant gratification.

    One other thing is that my results of the bedroom are still mixed with my boyfriend. Most of the time I can perform but not all the time. And when I don't perform I get frustrated, and when I get frustrated, again it is just easier to go to the same thing I've always done.

    Another thing is of course that I never totally re-wired myself to a sexual partner, there was always part of me that wanted porn or online stimulation. And of course if my brain is still wired to this form of stimulation it's still going to want every once in a while. It is up to me to be strong and fight these urges when they appear.

    One last thing must just be availability of porn/online stimulation in the COVID-19 environment. Of course it's easier to relapse when everyone is working from home and I'm not at my desk at the office. Being home brings opportunity to relapse to my addiction, and opportunity is of course a key component of whether I relapse or not.

    One last last thing is just general life has been difficult in the last year. COVID-19 is miserable and we are all missing our normal lives. Being fed-up, frustrated and sad at the state of the world leads to feelings of anguish which are easily extinguished by a blast of porn or relapsing.

    So all of these things just lead me to the conclusion that I need to be stronger and more determined in general. I can't keep on using porn or relapsing as an escape mechanism forever. At some point I need to start living life and living my emotions, not trying to avoid them. And that starts by re-gaining the will to beat this fucking addiction.
     
  3. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So today I relapsed after a good 8 days. I am still on my habit of using webcams to masturbate and it's fucking disgusting. To be honest I didn't even enjoy it but I just can't break the habit of doing it. I just need to have more will to ignore or bypass the urge when it appears. I don't have to give in to the urge every time it reappears - I just need to acknowledge it and move on from it.

    Again, I need to assess why I relapsed after 8 days of being on a good streak. I have just undergone major upheaval in my life - I have moved from Myanmar, where I have lived and worked for the past 2.5 years, back to the UK, as a result of the coup there. This means living back in my parents house and also means that me and my boyfriend have now had to move to a long distance relationship for a while, which is really heart-breaking. Today is the first day I have really felt sad and on my own, and my initial reaction to dealing with this was to immediately relapse.

    I don't want to do what happened last time I came home - feeling like the 16 or 17 year old kid who used to wank myself to oblivion. I am 25 years old now and need to make a new future for myself, I can't keep on repeating the mistakes of my past and going on repeat. The great thing about life is that only you have the power to change it - it is my life and I am the one who is control of it. The more I think I am inevitable to relapse, the more I just do it.

    The next time I think I might relapse, I need to get back on this site and commit myself to my streak. Let's not make this a big deal and move on stronger and better next time!
     
  4. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So today again I relapsed, I'm really struggling with just being able to start a new streak. Every time I have a free house my first instinct is just to relapse. To be honest I am just running out of ways for me to re-gain the will and actually get started again on a new streak, does anyone have any advice on how to 'break the chain' and get started on a new streak after many repeat relapses?
     
  5. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So after doing some thinking and reading, I decided that relapses will be inevitable unless I actually make a firm and hardcore commitment to not watching porn or masturbating anymore. I have really just been half-committing to this and not really preparing myself for life without masturbation or porn. So, I need to have a strategy in place for next time I feel like relapsing. Basically my strategy needs to revolve around reminding myself of all the reasons that I want to quit and all the bad consequences that come from relapsing:
    • It is disgusting
    • It is unfaithful
    • I am cheating on the boyfriend who I love and adore so much
    • I don't even enjoy it - I am just doing it because I am so addicted
    • It gives me brain fog and I can't focus on other things
    • It reduces my sexual performance
    • I will never get re-wired away from porn if I keep on doing it
    • I will lose all the gains I've made over the last couple of years if I carry on down this path
    • I will depend all my life on porn if I don't stop one day
    Let today be that day that I finally stop and re-gain my life free from porn addiction.

    To put this in clear distinction, let me set out two scenarios for myself:

    Scenario 1
    I use this time where me and my boyfriend are apart to feel sorry for myself and relapse everyday watching porn and masturbating on webcams. Without my boyfriend here with me I re-wire completely back to porn and virtual stimulation. I am addicted to porn and masturbation and spend everyday wanking myself to oblivion, giving myself constant brain fog and messing with my mind, feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself. When I see my boyfriend again in a few months I am no longer wired to his touch or physical presence at all and I can't perform sexually with him at all.

    Scenario 2
    I use this time where me and my boyfriend are apart to re-focus on the things that are important to me. I use this as an opportunity to completely re-wire my brain and get rid of porn for good. I spend this time focusing on my work, gym, learning a new language, catching up with friends and family and re-energising after a very stressful few months in Myanmar. When I see my boyfriend again in a few months I am completely focused on him and completely in the moment when I am with him, having gotten over my addiction to porn.

    Which of these scenarios sounds better to me? Which road should I choose? Will I be led towards darkness or redemption?

    Only I have that choice.
     
  6. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    Relapse after relapse after relapse. Man I'm sick of this shit.

    Every time I get an opportunity to relapse I do so. Every time I have a free house the first thing in my mind is to go and relapse straight away.

    I just need to start thinking about something else. Something to re-focus my mind: on my work, my studies, I want to learn a language, I want to go to the gym and build up my fitness, I want to spend time chatting with my boyfriend, I want to watch some great TV shows, I want to spend time with my friends and family. I want to spend my life doing things that I will enjoy, not obsessing over porn and my addiction.

    How have I gotten back to this stage? After so many months of doing well, I am right back at square one again.
     
  7. Hello ComebackKid, sorry to hear about your struggles. First of all, you are not a terrible person. There are so many of us who just started out following our natural curiousity and sexual impulses in an absurdly dangerous online environment, and ended up with our brains rewritten. You know this is bad, and you're here to sort it out, despite great difficulties, and that's what matters. You are fighting valiantly for what's right.

    I think it's great that you have such a clear sense of what your life would be both with and without porn, and how much more desirable the latter is. An excellent foundation for progress.

    As for the specific problem of how to deal with relapses, it is indeed extremely hard. As soon as you're into the new commitment, you have to see relapsing as A Very Serious Thing I Can't Possibly Do, but if it happens you have to accept it without beating yourself up, and then jump right into the new commitment. It's such delicate trick to pull off. I think coming here helps in several ways. The point you make about commitment is very important, and by posting on here you are continually reaffirming that commitment to yourself, and your identity as someone who is Dealing With It. Also, coming on here means that you have to Face Us and be accountable. Of course, we will tell you that you aren't a terrible person, and each relapse is not a disaster, but still the prospect of having to explain your actions to someone else should make some difference.

    Another idea might be to aim for a different target. Of course you want to stop using porn altogether, but it might be better not to invest so much emotional energy into a goal that's so difficult to achieve right now. You could tell yourself that you are aiming for a one week streak, then a 10 day streak, and so on. Suppose you relapse in two days: you haven't made your one week streak yet, but you were never going to make it in two days anyway! It'll just take a little longer. And/or you could commit to some of the other things you want to do with your life instead of porn: make your main resolution a specific gym schedule, perhaps. More manageable goals may make you feel more empowered and lift your self-worth, hopefully dispelling some of the anguish which is driving you to porn in the first place.

    Finally, I would add that I have been using https://app.joinfortify.com/, and think it's great.

    Good luck!
     
  8. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    Hi Johannes thanks a lot for the helpful comments and support. I really appreciate you coming on here and taking the time to read my blog, even though most of it is just angry ramblings!

    I think what you say about it being a delicate trick is absolutely right. I am really struggling with the balance between making a new life without porn and not making my life all about quitting porn. How do I make myself passionate enough to properly commit, but not so passionate that I beat myself up so much everytime I relapse? How do I think about my new goals instead of thinking about porn and relapsing all the time? It is a really tricky task and I haven't figured it out yet. You're right that being accountable on here definitely helps.

    Thanks for the suggestion - what is that app? I just use paid blockers on my phone and laptop (Detoxify and Cold Turkey) and they make it extremely difficult to access it.
     
    JohannesParvus likes this.
  9. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So today I got really fucking angry for the first time since I made this commitment. Absolutely fuming. I relapsed again today on those fucking webcams and I didn't even enjoy it. I hated every second of it but I did it anyway because I could. Because I have a compulsion to and I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. I even spent a long time circumventing the blockers on my laptop, calculating exactly which browser and VPN combination could get around my blockers. And after I relapsed I was so angry with myself I screamed into my pillow and hit some objects around in my room. Fuck I was so angry that I let myself relapse again for no reason, that I have trapped myself in this addiction after so long of doing quite well at it, that I have been unfaithful to my amazing boyfriend who trusts me so much, that out of all the things I could be focusing on and expending my energy and free time, this is how I choose to do it.

    Fuck I'm angry. I'm just so angry that I have let this become my life - I have this filthy disgusting addiction that I have let control me. That I have focused all my energies on. That I am using as an escape from everything else. That I am letting down my boyfriend so much with this filthy habit while we are miles away from each other in different countries. That there are so many other things I could be doing with my time.

    The truth is that I'm in a really difficult situation right now. I am miles away from my boyfriend, I have just had to evacuate from Myanmar where there have been untold horrors occurring everyday. I am still having to work with my Myanmar team so I got no separation from the atrocities happening there. I am back living at home with my parents like I am 17 years old again. So yes times are tough, but it is up to me to respond to my difficult emotions the right way. Am I going to keep on using porn, webcams, and relapsing to deal with my emotions and hide from my feelings, just like that 17 year old kid? Or am I gonna show my growth and strength as a person and face my emotions head on? To deal with them like normal adults do and stop using online stimulation as a release?

    It's time to feel my emotions. It's time to grow as a person. It's time to stop fucking around and get serious about this fucking addiction. It's time to focus on all the great things in my life - a supportive family, an amazing boyfriend, a great group of friends, a fulfilling job - and keep on pushing myself to get better. Because I completely refuse to make this addiction control my life.

    I feel like today I reached such a low that it has to be a turning point. I really hope that proves to be the case.
     
  10. Hi CBK, sorry to hear you had such a bad day, and about To be blunt, it sounds like could do with a bit of cooling down. Yes, porn is bad. Your life would be better without it, and you would do better by others without it. But you can't keep telling yourself 'I'm doing the bad thing, that means I'm bad, oh I'm so bad, why am I so bad' etc. Right now this is clearly a compulsion for you. That doesn't absolve you of all responsibility: but your main responsibility right now is to fight back against the compulsion. You are doing that. You are in a hard fight against a bad thing, and it's very important that you keep at it. When you do relapse, though, it doesn't mean that you are a terrible person, it just means that you've had a tough round. I think this is the way you should look at it.

    The question you've got to ask yourself each day is not 'did I do the bad thing?' but 'how did I fight the compulsion?'. Going to the gym is fighting it, posting here is fighting it, connecting with your friends is fighting it: and you can take pride in fighting it, and take confidence from fighting it, even if you also did the bad thing that same day.
     
    ComebackKid77 likes this.
  11. As for fortify, it's basically about training you to fight porn. You have daily and weekly trackers to map your progress and identify trends, and courses taking you through the theory and practice of what beating porn involves. I think it's great.
     
  12. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    You're right. I'm in a horrible cycle of relapsing then getting angry and doing it over and over again. I need to show the fight that I do straight after I relapse all the time. It's no good getting angry after I relapse. I just need to stay calm and fight against it calmly all the time.
     
  13. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    I need to have a reset completely now. This is what coming on here was meant to do, but it doesn't seem to have happened yet. I just need to change my mindset completely away from porn and relapsing and online sex to a life away from it. I really think I am there now - I have set up all the blockers you can possibly think of on my laptop and phone - even the paid ones. If this doesn't work then nothing will.
     
  14. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    Tomorrow I turn 26. These is nothing I want more for my 26th birthday to finally get rid of this horrendous habit that has plagued me for many years. Isn't it about time that I stopped all this shit now? Aren't I old enough to finally get rid of this thing, or do I want to spend the rest of my life addicted and relying on PMOing to get me off? Do I really want to look back at myself in 10 years and I am still on this? It sounds horrendous but I have already been struggling with this for 8 years. Who is to say that it couldn't be another 8?

    The problem is that I making this a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I am addicted so I relapse because that's what addicts do. If I spent more of my time thinking about things other than addiction and relapsing, I will be fine. The more I convince myself I am an addict, the more it only seems inevitable that I will do it again. I need to break free from my addiction, and stay strong in the tough moments.

    Time for a change.
     
  15. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So the last ten days has been a real up and down, and probably more downs than ups. Firstly, the good news is that I haven't been on any of the chatroulette sites in the last week and a half, which is really the most disgusting and unfaithful thing I have ever done. So I am glad that I haven't been doing that anymore. The bad news is that I seem to have replaced the chatroulette sites of my old habits of going on model profiles on Instagram and porn pages on Twitter. I hadn't actually watched porn in a long time so doing that again feels like a real step backwards. So really all I have done is replaced one form of virtual stimulation with another.

    I still feel like there's not enough WILL from my side. There's no attempt from me to ever resist what I'm doing when I know that I am about to do it. There's nothing in my head that says I should stop or nothing that really stops me from going one stop beyond once I make the first move. Addiction is easy when you get in the habit of doing things. It takes some willpower and strength to stop doing it in the first place, to not relapse, to break the chain, to break free. For a long time, I have thought that counting the days is a self-defeating endeavour as it makes you constantly think about your porn addiction, but in this case I think I need to start properly counting the days and setting myself targets, at least in the beginning. Once I have broken the chain of relapsing constantly, I don't have to think so much about the days, but for the first few weeks at least it's necessary. So for now, my aim is just one day. Then it will be three days. Then if I get to a whole week I will be very happy.
     
  16. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So I couldn't even manage one measly day. Another relapse today. My focus is just not where it should be. I can't even get one day because my focus is on relapsing - there is no will to resist it when the urge comes. I had the urge earlier and then went to the gym to avoid it which was good, but as soon as I came back home again the urge was there and I didn't do anything to resist it. Where is the WILL?

    To be honest, I think I need a day of reckoning. If complete and utter devastation - of really facing my demons and confronting head on what has happened to me over the last year. I have slipped from a really good place mentally and basically no addiction to the current state of play where I am cheating on my boyfriend with chat roulette sites, addiction to porn, instagram models, anonymous sex chat. I have been an awful boyfriend to him and I don't deserve his love to be honest. But I can make it up to him by being the man I should be, by getting back to that good space in my head, to stopping the slide and descent into oblivion. I need to stop making that change happen now, otherwise everything that I have worked so hard to gain and achieve in the last three years will soon slip away. I finally have exactly what I want - a romantic partner, a sexual partner, somewhere to share life with and my affection and everything in between. Do I really want to throw that away?

    If I'm being honest, my head is really not in a good space right now. I had my life ripped apart by the coup in Myanmar and I've had to move back home and I'm struggling to deal with it. The initial few weeks of being glad to be back home have now evaporated and I'm left with a sense of feeling obsolete and a bit lost. And then I relapse and this just compounds everything I'm feeling right now.

    I need a new focus. A new drive. My job doesn't fulfill me that much and I'm living back at home with my parents. I need something else to keep driving me through each day, something to work towards. In essence, my addiction has replaced that lack of motivation that I feel. Really this is what has been happening over the last year or so. My porn has consumed me and taken my drive and motivation away. Working from home doesn't help and sometimes I spend my days masturbating instead of working towards something.

    So I need a new addiction. Something new to work towards, something to keep me pushing and driving forward. My narrative over the last year has been coloured by this addiction creeping back into my life and constantly trying to battle it. Everything else that has happened feels subsidiary to that.

    So where do I go from here? I need to find a new addiction - something else to push me forward. I am thinking of learning a new language, of putting more time into work projects, of spending more quality time with friends and family, of doing more at the gym. In essence I just need a new motivation. The more I let this porn addiction consume me, the more it becomes inevitable that I will succumb to it. I need to stop looking for excuses about relapsing or finding new ways around my blocker. I have all the tools I need already, the only thing that is missing is my WILL. The best blocker is my brain and the best way to block something is to fill that space with something new. Let the 16th May be my day of reckoning, the day I start a new motivation, the day I push myself to re-gain my life and freedom and my drive.

    Day one of my new life starts tomorrow.
     
  17. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So of course I relapsed on day three of "my new life". Man I'm tired of this. I realise how badly this is affecting my relationship, I'm focusing all my energies on sexual stimulation rather than on the person who I love. I just had a call with him after relapsing and my attention wasn't on him at all - the sad thing is I was completely disinterested. I'm so scared that it's gonna end up with me completely losing interest in my boyfriend because of this online virtual stimulation, especially now we are in a long distance relationship and it's so much easier for me to re-wire my brain to online stimuli rather than physical. There's only one solution to this. I HAVE to start making a change in my life, in my relationship, in my outlook. Otherwise I'm gonna end up three months down the line having lost the guy I love.

    How many times do I have to post on here before the message sinks in? This clearly isn't working very well. If I can't do this for myself, and for my own personal wellbeing, then I can at least do it for my partner, for our future life together, for our dreams as a couple, for our aspirations, for our love and bond that we share with each other. I need to focus on that, if nothing else. Otherwise I will lose everything I love.

    Look at how I live now. Is this how I want to be in 3 months time? 6 months time? Because that's where I'm headed. Only I can make the change I want to achieve in my life.

    So I need to stop obsessing over this fucking addiction, and start being the man my boyfriend deserves.
     
  18. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So just had a good five day streak and then relapsed because I was feeling ill and down at home and couldn't think of any other way to pick me up. I need to find other ways to distract myself or relieve myself of my boredom other than wanking. But my relapse today was the strangest one yet...For the first time ever I found it kind of...boring! I was literally bored while I was doing it. I feel like my mind is finally coming past the point of caring about porn and artificial stimulation, it no longer even finds it interesting, or exciting, or tempting. I literally just did it because I was bored at home on my own and it's my own fucking force of habit.

    I feel pretty confident now that this is it. I think I've actually cracked it. If I've gotten to the point where relapsing bores me, then now I can think of a life filled with other things that excite and interest me, other hobbies and interests that I can fill my time with. Just imagine such a thing!

    So really that's me out. I need to stop thinking about my porn addiction all the time and just stop fucking doing it. I'm done with this blog now. I'm done with thinking about my addiction and stopping myself from being tempted from this or that. I'm done with thinking about how porn and artificial stimulation is ruining my life and my relationship and my future and my plans. I'm done with thinking of elaborate ways of getting round my blockers and then cursing myself that I did so afterwards. I'm done with being a shit boyfriend and a shit person who is depending his life on porn and masturbation. I'm just done.
     
  19. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    It has been a couple of weeks since I posted on here and I'm sorry to say the progress report is not good. I seem to always somehow out-do myself in terms of the levels I will stoop to. There seems to be no depths I won't plunge or troughs I won't fall into and everyday seems to be worse than the last. Even when I think I'm doing well for a few days, I somehow come back again and do worse than before. Today was a great day - I was focused on work, went to the gym, was productive and alert, cooked a meal and then BAM right at the end of the day I have a binge and relapse as bad as I can remember.

    I've taken some time today to read back through my posts that and I've found that quite helpful - to take a bit of a step back and really see the journey I've been on. The problem is that I am stuck on this never-ending cycle of being okay for a few days, relapsing, and then getting angry, vowing this time will be different, and then being okay for a few days and then relapsing and so on and so on...

    They say that the definition of madness is keeping on doing the same thing but expecting a different result, and that's exactly what I'm doing. I literally keep on falling into the same traps and repeating this cycle of despair, but what I have yet to really do is change my attitude or my mindset. What I have completely failed to do consistently is look into myself, and think about why I'm relapsing when I am. I just do it and promise it will be different and then do it again. But there's a complete lack of reflection on why I'm doing what I'm doing, or reflection about how I want to live my life.

    My mindset is completely wrong. I keep on thinking I'm a normal person whose life is being ruined by porn, but what I really need to do is recognise myself as an addict, but someone who's trying to improve and rehabilitate. The first mindset frames my stimulus addiction as a horrible wrecking thing that must be conquered and I therefore ending up losing the battle, whereas the second mindset frames my addiction is something that is there and present but something I just need to move away from and reflect upon. So next time I am thinking of relapsing, I should just pause a minute, read these posts, and reflect on why I am thinking of relapsing, and then move on.
     
  20. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    So I've had a really shitty couple of months. I do not know how to get out of the cycle. It is the same old problems. I don't know how I can do anything differently than I have already been doing or trying to change anything. Everyday I just need that dopamine hit and I'm not satisfied until I get it. The days where I don't relapse are really good and the days where I do relapse are excruciating lows. There is no in between. My emotions are very unstable at the moment.

    I need to find that stability in my life. I feel like I have become completely untethered from my existence and my own reality and my own emotions and actions. I had read this article a few years ago and thought it helped a lot, so going to post a few key quotes here:

    "When you characterize porn as an addiction it tells you that it is hard to break free, that it is a struggle, that relapse is inevitable-- all things that have nothing to do with porn. But when you characterize online porn as junk food, the solution is obvious: don't eat it.... This may not be a reassuring solution to some, but I can promise you that it is the only solution: you have to decide you're not the kind of person who wastes time on that. Condemning it, banning it, hiding from it-- all will lead to failure. Lust isn't the trigger, boredom is, idle hands are something or other, so the sooner you get a default activity, the better...If he [the self-claimed porn addict] decides to be a different person he can stop that routine, and if he stops that routine he will become a different person. But he doesn't want to change, he just wants things to change."
    In essence, I need to stop becoming the person who blames all his problems on relapsing, on not relapsing, on staying sober for one more day. I just need to decide to stop doing it. This is all about the "porn is not an option" mindset. People who have had success on here don't spend hours and hours each day fighting their urges and eventually winning. They rule cyber sex out as an option, as something to consider, as something to even focus on.

    Every time I get a craving to relapse I do it. There is nothing on me that stops me from giving in to that urge. But I also need to understand that there is nothing inside me that is forcing me to relapse. The only one who controls my actions is me. Porn does not have a physical effect on me. It doesn't dictate my actions. I am the one who has a control over whether I do something or not, so what the hell am I waiting for? I just need to stop eating junk food.
     
    LettingGo likes this.

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