I’m starting this journal from today. I’m 21 years old, been addict since 15 years of age, worked in the past couple of years to overcome this, longest I have reached is 83, then always stopped at 20-25 days. I have relapsed 4 of the past 6 days now, It’s no longer a craving but an itch, I need to regain control over my life. I have exams coming, some big exams in 14 days, and I don’t want to reach day 3 or 7 or even 13 with a brain binging on porn, uumotivated, drained and empty. What I intened to do, in the next 2 weeks, to be clean? it’s not just 2 weeks, I had enough, I want free life, I want to get to know what I was like before porn, I might only have known myself during some days during my longest 83 days streak, I need to reconnect with that. going back to what I need to do, it’s easy to list so many things and falling for this trap again, but I have been saying that for myself again and again, obviously something is not working, maybe I’m too lazy, and just covering myself with the rationality of “ I can’t do anything at once” so I will rush it this time, but carefully for the first week, I will focus on these things: -Consuming content of Nofap, especially Mark Queppet content, and reading about stuff here in the fourms. -Writing my process, here in the fourm for every day, and trying to be accountable, I hope someone is reading and participating as well. -Be good at prayers, I feel distant to God, but he’s close, he doesn’t let me lone, and if I was honest, doing the right steps, he will come closer, and I need him, he and only he can make me go out of this, and he can make me do the above 2 steps. -Last and not least, having good productivity level, 5 hours a day is good, I relapsed today because I was bad at my productivity, I didn’t do anything and I was nervous about it. Will add diet and working out in the next week, now focusing on important things. To be continued…
I’m waking up at 11 AM. I’m a mess. This is also something to change. Now in the next 7 hours I want to do the list I’ve mentioned above, will make me feel much better.
Day 1 - was successful to a degree. I didn’t even think about porn, never had urges. but I didn’t do “intentional” work on my “anti-porn” content. Didn’t watch videos or read articles. I’m writing this as a compromise, but I still need to consume content in the next days, it will give me some kind of push. my productivity was decent today, had 4 hours, still to achieve my goals but much better than the past days. Slolwy gaining momentum, but the most important thing is the consuming part, I have been there before, and without consuming good content it simply just doesn’t workZ
Day 2 Clean, but I shouldn’t be that happy, I wasn’t challenged, and I didn’t consume a lot of content, in fact I just did a video of reforged man course to write this topic. it was about benifits of quitting porn. Emotional benifits: Sexual health Strong romance These doesn’t mean much to me, I’m not allowed to have sex before marriage, and I don’t want to be in a romatic relationship, but yeah it’s good for a guy to feel like his dick will be fixed. Freedom of complulsiveness I like that, the past months I was compulsive, every day or two I have an idea, I then mentally jerk about it, only to find myself opneing a site, and binging for porn. it was compulsiveness that doesn’t align with my desires, as I said before, an itch. Desire for good things Yeah I lack this one, I’m not trying to do good things nowadays, not reading the books I like, not watching the useful videos, I guess my dopamin stores are exausted, hope they’ll be back soon. Motivation systems will be fixed I wish! Motivation is the main thing that derives me to grow, when I’m not motivated, as I’m when binging on porn, I just let the day go, I’m below my standards, and my standards are below my ideal. Mental benifits Living according to higher values: I love this sentence, I’m relgious, and there is no way for this addiction in there, it’s something that I need to get rid of, and by doing so, I’m closer to my ideal. Being the man I admire This is also a good sentence, I don’t like myself when I’m porn binging, or talking with a girl on chat and wanting to go under her pants, this is not me, This is not the man I admire. Mark also promises to turn negative emotions into postive ones, to transmute then, I’m suffering from anxiety and nervousness, and I think too much about future, I guess getting those fixed will be a huge booster for my life. i want to continue, my plans are to consume a little bit more content, be decent at productivity, fix my sleep schedule, and have good time management, I guess they are doable, and I guess they’re interconnected. To be continued.
Relapsed at day 4. it was coming. Today in scores: I was late at praying, doing it flatly. I was wasting time watching tennis and posting on social media Only slept 4 hours, had to struggle through the day, productivity was worse than anyday of the past 4. Didn’t consume anti porn material as well. I kept my rational mind alone, unsupported. See? Pattern. Score matters. I was bad at the main levels today. i need to treat my successful days on this score, not by nofap streak, which is only a result. What can I do? I can only learn from that and try again. next time I’m urged, I will think what went wrong in my day, and try to fix a small tiny portion of it. i will be productive for two reasons now, for its sake and to be porn free, it’s interconnected. Usual fapping days end with scrolling endless stuff on youtube because I can’t sleep easily, I will use this opportunity to watch nofap content, at least 30 mins of content will get me boosted for tomorrow. Which I sincerely hope will be better, with a better score.
