Rediscovering the real me

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Queen|s Gambit, Jan 23, 2015.

  1. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Just insane. At work. Browse some news site. View that Madonna nipple thing. Insane. Got hard fast and felt the need to PMO. Just from some pics. That girl really is photogenic to say the least. Insane.

    I cannot allow myself some pics to throw me off balance like that. It has been a long time since I even consider fapping to pics only.

    Moving on. The binaural stuff is I think helping me see how this P fantasy is just vain. But have a headache from listening. Will stop for a few days.
     
  2. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Good morning. Let's kick some ass today!
     
  3. dickinson

    dickinson Member

    That binaural beat thing is quite interesting.
     
  4. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Yeah, not totally sure what to make of it exactly.

    Yesterday had a wet dream. Like nothing sexual, don't remember dreaming anything, then out of nowhere, BOOM, made a mess in bed. Not even that feeling you are going to O. No feelings, no dreams, just a mess in bed. It was 3AM.
     
  5. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Time to stop fantasizing.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdRH5wzCQQw
     
  6. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Good morning. There is enough "P" in mainstream media and stuff. Let's not expose ourselves to even more.
     
  7. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Good morning.

    Relapsed yesterday. Could think of million reasons why. The only remotely positive thing is that I did it quick. P video, got hard, fapped, done. 5 minutes in total. Then moved on.

    Today is a brand new day. Here we go again, from the top.

    Wished I'd remember asking myself:

    What if P is holding me back in life?
    What if P is responsible for lack of real relationships in my life?
    What if P is responsible for lack of motivation?
    What if P is responsible for all the missed opportunities?

    Will I stop watching P?

    Before bed I listened to this. Maybe it helped, I slept very good.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbcnQCHpdmE

    I'll make it a habit listening something like this before bed.
     
  8. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Good morning!

    Yesterday was a clean day. No P or P substitutes. No bullshitting.

    Paradox: To get real normal sex, I need to forget about P and P fantasizing. In short, to get real sex I need to let go of virtual sex. This is a very hard pill to swallow.

    Took a day of today. Good call. Slept till 10.30. Got to beed at 21.30.
     
  9. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Crazy. For hours now, having this constant urge to go watch one particular P scene. Fucked up. No desire to fap or O. Just the desire to go watch this particular P scene. Very annoying.

    If shit hits the fan. Maybe this time I will fap instead of watch P. For me after I fap all the urges just go away for the rest of the day.
     
  10. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Good morning. A new day. A new totally independent opportunity to make it P free.

    Yesterday I relapsed. The only remotely positive is I did it again quick. No hours of browsing around etc. Boom, boom, done. Might be better if I'd gone to work. Come tired back and took a nap.

    I need a vision.

    In my 20s my vision has been to become a guy like this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Carmack. A few years back somebody of similar high caliber said to me over beer. You're almost as good as this guy. After that time I am on autopilot. Managed to get a nice job. Surprisingly low stress and good pay.

    But I have no vision. When I wake up, my only goal is to spend the day P and Fap free. Sure down the line I'd like to start my own company. Try myself with the stock market. But that is not part of the current vision. The current vision I have is just be P and fap free. It just doesn't fly.

    Got up at 10.00. Just apathy. No desire to do anything. I need a plan. What am I going to do with my life?

    Here comes early 30s. The soon late 30s. And into early 40s and late 40s.

    I am going to get real old real fast. I need some mental framework. Some sort of guide.

    The only thing I am sure to my core is.

    The bucket list.

    Need to start ticking off stuff. But I cannot plan my life around the bucket list?

    I want to get up in the morning and be inspired. Like Wow, I am alive. I want to do X today. Instead I am like fuck, I am still alive. What do I want to do today? Nothing, it is.

    I need a vision. It is never the destination but the journey that counts.

    I just know that the middle class dream is a joke. Get a job, get a house, create a family, get a car, suffocate with debt and be happy to afford one decent vacation per year. Fuck this.

    Here I am, 30s at the door step and I have no plan, no vision. Like just starting my life.

    How did I end up like this? Well, that doesn't matter and I don't give a shit about that.

    What matters is, I need to do something. Well, I don't. Funny thing, I've already experienced more than people 100 years ago could only dream of. Nothing really matters.

    But still, I am alive. I am here. Hopefully I'll still be here for a little while.

    I need to do something with my time... but what?
     
  11. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Thanks, man. Good post, good advice.

    Battle. Yesterday I spend the evening conflicted. Part of me wanted to watch some P. Come on, it will be the last time. The other part of me went. Will you stop watching P? What if P is holding you back? Don't watch P. Finally the light side won. I asked myself. Do I want to reward myself for 0 effort? Got to sleep without watching any P or P substitutes.

    I slept like shit. Feel like a cold coming up. Then in the morning. I relapsed. Got at least 1 day again clean.

    Changes. P lost it's fun factor. Even a few weeks ago, P was fun. Now I don't even like it. I just want it.

    I don't even feel like browsing. The last 2 relapses I got nagged with just one specific P scene. I just wanted to watch this particular scene out of the blue. Watched it, PMO'ed to it, and that was it.

    This is some fucked up shit.
     
  12. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Battle. Yesterday before bed. I again started to watch one particular P video. From the start I was conflicted. But maybe 1-2 minute in the video when I was about to start to fap. I just got up and start pacing the room.

    What am I doing? Is this what I want? Do I want to reward myself for 0 effort? But if feels soo good? Does it feel so good? Is the pleasure of O worth it?

    Thought I am going to relapse with a PMO. But didn't. I just turned off the computer and went to bed. Was pretty exhausted from the battle.

    I feel like shit. Feel like having a cold. What stopped me I think is the fact. When I feel like shit. The O from PMO doesn't really feel that awesome. Sure it feels good. But not really that great to relapse too.

    Until the next battle. It is going to be a long war.
     
  13. You already know what to do.
    Join me, and we'll quit porn completely. We don't want it anymore.

    What do you do for entertainment? I find that lazy kinds of entertainment do me no good.
     
  14. vigilantwarrior

    vigilantwarrior New Member

    Dude, I'm really glad you decided not to keep going with it last night. Remind yourself of your commitment to your goal and why you made that decision. I'm super glad you've been keeping at this and putting good details into your posts but still concise. Glad to be in this battle with you bro, and we can all learn a little bit from each other.

    -siphus
     
  15. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Battle. Lost. Made a couple of mistakes. High-carb meal before bed. Listened to the wrong type of music in bed. Made me more energetic. Still wouldn't have relapsed if not for a video of a girl who looks just like my high school crush.

    Improve. Always need to go with low-carb meal before bed.
    Improve. Need to listen to relaxing music, ideally that will make me sleepy.
    Improve. More important than getting enough sleep(and sleeping late) is to get up in the morning.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18426457

    I should ask myself:

    Does the pleasure I get from PMOing and watching P feel better than pleasure I could get from being with a real woman?
    Or some variation of this.

    Need to run to work. Will reply to you guys later.
     
  16. Try going out at night or do something so tiring that when you come home you can't wait to fall asleep.
    This reduces internet-lounging time, and will in effect lessen your chances of P-viewing.
     
  17. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    @SB Thanks, man.

    Insomnia. Finally gone to sleep at somewhere ~3AM. Got up at 7.30AM. Wanted to sleep some more. But It feels great to get up in the morning even if physically I feel like shit. Hopefully the lack of sleep will be enough for better sleep today.

    For entertainment. I watch a few TV Shows. I really like Better Call Saul. Scenes like this make my day.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSKHBfwuLeI

    And I also started watching Narcos. Pretty bad ass show. I spend some time browsing YT for useless videos. Like Karate Kid Movie Trivia. etc. Other than that I am pretty good. Go on coursera, I recently finished a course there. Try to watch some documentaries on YT.

    SB did you try any business related courses on Coursera? I skimmed at the business lecture catalogue. But they all looked very boring and not really practical. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe you will have more luck?

    @siphus007 Good luck man. While I don't believe in luck. Sometimes it sure helps to have some.
     
  18. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Simplicity. P addiction fundamentally boils down to.

    Either chose virtual girl or a real girl. Can't have both. Our body-brain just isn't designed to handle both.

    Tempted a bit, but I just remind myself of this. I decided to chose reality.

    Until the next battle.

    Stay strong.
     
  19. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Good morning. A brand new day. Let's choose reality over virtual fantasy. Can't have both.

    Yesterday was a clean day. No bullshit.
     
  20. I've been hearing good things about Coursera, but haven't tried them out yet.

    Make this another great P-free day my friend. I know I have. 8)
     

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