Rediscovering the real me

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Queen|s Gambit, Jan 23, 2015.

  1. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    I've been PMO'ing for about 14 years (since age 14) on average 1 x per day. I never questioned this. Googling is masturbation bad for you never returned anything to worry about.

    Half a year ago I wondered why I have so many white spots on my nails. Among other things Zinc deficiency came up. So by luck I googled Zinc deficiency and masturbation. Then I learned about the dangers of frequent masturbation and it lead to me learning about P addiction. That was in June 2014.

    Since then I have been doing a lot about mental hygiene. I really like that phrase. Mental Hygiene. So many unresolved things pilled up. Mostly about my past. And the choices I made or should have made.

    I need to rediscover the real me. Before the P addiction.

    I am a man of rationality. I like Chess. I never should have stopped playing. Time to start playing chess again. And time to start making rational choices.

    I curbed Gaming Addiction a year ago. I remember a time when I played a game for 7 days straight for 12+ hours a day. What a waste. When I started climbing the thrill of the climb just faded the desire to play computer games. I guess in some way I have just out grown the desire.

    Now and then I find myself browsing gaming torrents. Like a knee jerk reaction. The inertia of all the years playing. But that is pretty much the extent of it nowadays. I just stop there.

    The problem with PMO is that just taking a peek (the inertia of all the years of daily P viewing) sets up such strong reaction that it is hard to stop there.

    PMO is not a rational choice. Peeking is not a rational choice. P is not a rational choice.

    I am a man of logic. Time to rediscover my former self before the addiction. One thing I remember is that I loved chess. It is a start.

    I have an older journal but I hate that name. It tells nothing about me. I wanted to go with the name Gambit but it is already taken. Going with QG one of the most well known chess openings.

    Edit: Link to older journal http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=21824.0
     
  2. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    It hit me. To gamify my P addiction.

    For x days without relapse I will take an imaginary chess piece.

    There are 32 chess pieces.

    16 pawns each worth 1 day
    4 knights each worth 3 days
    4 bishops each worth 3 days
    4 rooks each worth 5 days
    2 queens each worth 9 days

    That gives 78 days.

    2 kings each worth 29 days.

    Objective: Clear the board.

    I hope there is method to this madness. Other-wise I am just going insane.
     
  3. jungleboswick

    jungleboswick New Member

    Totally agree none of it is rational because we lose control over ourselves with P. I find your chess method intriguing. I'm not a counter guy myself but I am interested on how its gonna work for ya. Good luck!
     
  4. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    I've quite literally put a chess board on my desk. There are 31 pieces on it. Something to remind of my Beat P game. Right now my first objective is to clear the remaining 15 pawns.
     
  5. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    I who have nothing.

    I've PMO'd over the weekend. It gave me no pleasure. It felt like mechanical thing to do. Watching P gives mild erection at best. Barely noticeable more like it. I think I lost interest just like with computer games.

    I literally have nothing in my life. Come to think. There is not a single thing in my life now that I could say I am happy about. Nothing.

    I guess I am happy that I don't have health problems. Apart from self diagnosed anxiety, depression and chronic fatigue.

    But I've been thinking. I should have faith that it will all work out. Have faith that my current position is part of the grand plan.

    There is a grand plan. My destiny. Reminds of Steve Jobs talk. When he talk about that you can only connect the dots while looking back and not looking forward.

    I am starting to have faith in a grand plan. The dots will connect. I just don't know yet how.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc#t=303
     
  6. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Here we go again

    Yesterday was completely P free day. Today I slept for 11 hours straight. Got pretty annoying shivers. And I am cold all the time.

    Time to get to at least day 30. Time for some rational choices in life.

    Lets play chess!
     
  7. jungleboswick

    jungleboswick New Member

    Yea relapsing can be rough. Try not to let it get you down. (Easier said than done I know) Do you read at all? If so check out the slight edge. I don't have a counter I think they can be counter productive (no pun intended).

    Our battle isn't against PMO its against our brain. Recovery is a lifelong process. I myself am working towards the person I want to become 1 day at a time.

    Good luck man I have faith in you.
     
  8. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Thanks. Means a lot. Good luck to you to.

    One thing is the same through the journals. Quitting is not just hard. It is extremely hard.

    I had one P flashback. But I just imagined myself from 3rd person view fapping to the same P in the flashback. I focused on how shitty the situation is. It worked. Other than that pretty uneventful past 3 days.

    I still like the chess board. It reminds me where I am at.

    I did read the slight edge. Thanks for mentioning it. It is great book.

    I like the counter. I don't obsess about it. Every green line is something to be proud of. Even if just one. It is hard. Every single green line is hard earned. Should be proud. One year ago my counter is ...1111111.... now there are cracks between the 1. Someday it will be only ...|||||||....

    Keep on fighting for each line. Each line is a hard earned victory.
     
  9. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    A day before yesterday I came close to a relapse. But then I went like

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tleSnj4OD0g

    Yesterday and today the flatline is strong. Just don't feel like touching myself at all. Even if I'd watch P.

    The shivers are gone. Still feel a bit cold but not that bad as before. Still sleeping a lot.

    Yesterday I went to a job interview. It went surprisingly well it. It shows the manager is I'd say somewhere around 35. The older generation really made sure our economy it fucked and the environment is too. While they go grabbing all the money for themselves. If every 45+ year old manager would drop dead the world would be a better place. They lost theirs ways a long time ago. When our generation gets the majority of managerial positions the world will be a better place.

    I remember mentioning the thought of 6 hour work day at another interview. The guy almost had a heart attack. I'd say he is close to 50. A generation of workaholics. Honor in work. There is no honor in working your ass off. Figuring out there is more to life than your job on your death bed.

    Now. Yesterday I mentioned I'd like to work 6 hours. The manager said that is a very unusual request. He never heard it in interview before. He is intrigued by the thought. My rationale is that less working hours means higher productivity and better well being. He is curious how it will work out. He agreed to me having official 6 hour work day. I think we are both equally curious how it will work out. I still need to come next week for a sample half day work day to see how I fit in. I hope this will be the break I need.

    Stay strong. Fight for each line (on the counter). It might not sound much in the grand scheme of things. Just like a pawn in Chess. It is not really something you appreciate right away. You'd prefer a knight of bishop but... pawns win the game in the long run.
     
  10. Glad to see you picked up a new name and started a new journal!!

    I'm the same way.... I find things like that important.

    A sense of "new beginning" is very important to starting your road to no PMO in my opinion. For me I found a new beginning can come about in multiple ways. I bought a new wristband that has helped me tremendously. After failing so many times while wearing my old one, I eventually stopped wearing it altogether because it lost it's sincerity in a way. In some weird way it was almost like I defiled it and needed to start with another wristband that was not tainted. The new wristband broke :mad: so I'm actually now wearing a necklace I bought not too long ago.

    I really suggest you try it.... Having something on your person all day long gives you perspective and serves as a reminder to not let your guard down.

    I also bought a new calendar and bedsheets just to give my room a new feeling.

    Plenty of times I've gone into my attempts and failed because things just felt the same. In someway keeping everything as is made things feel familiar.... familiarity in a bad way. There's just too many commonalities sometimes to take away my confidence that I can beat this addiction.

    The problem I found with not trying to grasp a new beginning is that each of my attempts was another loss in confidence. I need to feel "this is it.... this time I'm cutting away from this addiction". It just needs to be a line in the sand to signify in my mind that this time is different.... it's not like all the other failed attempts...

    Other ideas to genuinely signify to yourself that this is "thee" moment you break free from your addiction unlike the other attempts that failed in the past is:

    - Buy a plant to take care of. Really research various plants and find one that you personally take liking to. I like bonsais.

    - Get a poster for your room with some inspirational quotes.

    - Maybe buy a pet of some sort if you haven't already.

    - Take up painting classes or something else you find very interesting. Hang the first painting up in your room that you truly feel you connect with on a deep level.

    Basically, do something to set this time period apart from the rest.

    Also, to help make the time go easier, start a new TV show that you find interesting after going 2 and half weeks free of PMO. The reason I say after 2 and half weeks is because this gives you a quick incentive to go on a sober streak. Think about it.... 2 and a half weeks will mean you're only a week and a half from a month! TV shows are AWESOME because it gives you something to look forward to each day and can make time fly by!! Movies are cool but they end in about 2 hours and you're left with nothing to do. You just gotta find one that truly works for you and look up parental guidelines for each episode before you watch (use IMDB for this). Sons of Anarchy was absolutely incredible but it does have triggering scenes. Outside of that.... if you have never seen LOST, that may be a show you enjoy... it's really up to your tastes. We've chatted about movies and such so I know our tastes aren't 100% alike but I'm sure there's something out there for you.

    I hope I'm making sense... and really hope I'm helping here.

    Anyways, I know you can do this man! Just keep at it and think about the betterment that awaits you compared to staying addicted to this stuff.
     
  11. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Thanks for stopping by. I am not a big fan of wristbands or stuff like that. Glad to hear it is working for you.

    Just out of curiosity. What kind of wristband do you have?

    Yeah. It definitely rings a bell. I noticed that I am more likely to relapse if I watch movies, TV shoves or play PC games I used to when I was younger. Rewatching old movies/TV shows is a bad idea. Definitely best if to keep things fresh.

    I hope to get the job on Thursday. I'll definitely move out. I'll join a climbing gym for sure.

    So I've relapsed on Saturday. Sunday was a bit of a chaser. Strangely Monday and today pretty much smooth sailing. I'll do my best to keep it up at least until the weekend.

    Everyday without P/M/O is a great day. Even if just 1 day.
     
  12. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Smooth sailing thus far. The flatline is great. No urges.

    I just don't get it. I did everything right on the job interview. On the 2nd interview (technical) I even spotted mistakes of the interviewer. Maybe the guy is afraid I will be better than him. I sure have the skills. Must be my personality. First impressions are often wrong. Guess they don't know that.

    Anyway. Must keep moving forward.

    My former boss called me for the job as lead software engineer on a very boring business software project. The project is behind schedule and under staffed. Just when I need an easy job to get myself together. This is the exact opposite of what I am looking for. I can do it. I've done miracles in the past. Maybe that is why he called me (among other people).

    I can appreciate why people are so desperate to keep their jobs. It is hard to get a "good" job.

    I've been eating less. I am eating just 1 main meal per day and 1 snack. My waistline is around the same. But given the calories I take in. I must be losing fat. On the off chance to sound cory. I think my butt is losing fat.

    Overall I am feeling "better". Still a long shot from OK. But better than before. I think there is a connection between T and visceral fat. I am loosing visceral fat for sure.

    Blood glucose levels are pretty stable thought the day.
     
  13. Hey Gambit,

    Glad your dieting is going well.

    I'm actually on a small diet myself. Lost a pound and a half since I started....

    The wristband (it's more of a bracelet really) that I've been wearing is:

    http://www.amazon.com/Neptune-Giftware-Leather-Wristband-Bracelet/dp/B005CI90GU/

    It has really helped me as a constant reminder that I need to go down the right path.

    It's also thin enough not to be distracting to others when I choose to wear it amongst friends and family. Don't wanna have too many questions on why I'm always wearing the band. When asked I simply say I'm wearing it to stay positive and grow as a person since I have any goals this year to achieve.
     
  14. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    @abetterlifeawaits You surprised me. I was expecting some cosmic miracle crystal from 7th day earth chakra bionically enhanced wristband. A simple leather wristband. Love it! Just glad you found a way that works for you. I doubt it will work for me. Maybe I will try it.

    What is common to all of the journals
    o) quitting is extremely hard
    o) everybody needs to find their own spark. That little thing that breaks the cycle of relapse. I still need to work on that.

    I've relapsed on the weekend. I didn't even felt like PMOing. But I did it anyway. To protect my weekdays. I'll do my absolute best to keep the weekdays clean. But I will allow weekends. The last weekend I PMOed 3 times. This weekend I did it 2 times. I hope for the upcoming weekend to do it just 1 time. I hope then to do it every other weekends. So this is the plan. Maybe it will work. Maybe not. Will see. So far things are working according to plan.

    That job did pan out anyway. I still need to negotiate all the terms. I will optimize on free time. I need time for myself. I also need to start working on an exit strategy. Maybe save up on money and then start my own business. Will think about it.

    In any case. This job is exactly what I need in this moment. It is a lot more interesting. To get myself in shape.
     
  15. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Slept for 12+ hours with a pretty bad nightmare.

    This weekend stuff is not working. I cannot put up with this shit every start of the week.
     
  16. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Shivers. WTF!

    I have been totally underrating to power M has on the body. The symptoms are without a doubt not to be underrated.

    (P)MO seriously fucks up my body. Had a dismissive attitude toward it. Must view M as an activity that has a substantial effect on the body. Never thought about it that way. At shortest it can take only a few minutes. Never could have imagine just a few minutes can have such a dire effect.

    Time to attribute more respect to the power M has on the body.
     
  17. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    How to get out of the hole? Stop digging! Put the shovel down!

    Feeling a bit better.
     
  18. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    On day 5. It has been pretty smooth sailing.

    For any urge I have. I just say to myself will do it on the weekend.

    I am still undecided weather or not to go with 1 PMO this weekend.

    The plan I have is to slowly increase the time between PMO incidents. The plan is 1x this weekend and then the next PMO will be after 14 days.

    The past few days I came to respect the major effect PMO has on my body.

    After 2 x PMO on the last weekend:
    Monday: Felt like having a hangover. My memory is totally fucked. Nightmares.
    Tuesday: Shivers. Nightmares.
    Wednesday: Feeling a lot better
    Thursdays: 3/10
    Friday: 3/10

    I'll do some research on cold turkey vs gradual reduction.
     
  19. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Well.... P is loosing it's grip. I watched some P. Didn't feel that strong urge to M. Didn't yet M.

    Maybe I'll go for 8 days this time. Maybe I'll PMO later today. Not sure yet. Will not feel bad if I relapse today. Not sure about it.

    What I am sure about is the need to increase the time between PMOs. I'd consider it a big fail if I don't maintain at least 5 days between PMOs. Then in the long run I will increase the time. The plan might fail. But I think it is worth a shot.

    Gotta love YBOP.

    http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/why-doesnt-moderation-work-with-porn-use
    (titled: Why doesn't gradual reduction work with porn recovery?) The link is inaccurately titled.

    >It does for some people.

    Maybe I am just that people. Will see.
     
  20. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Ok. Next plan. Go for a minimum of 6 days (next Sunday). Ideally I'll try to go for 14 days and relapse on next next Saturday.
     

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