Redemption

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by sesshomaruinuyasha, Jun 3, 2019.

  1. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Hey guys,

    What can I say?! Porn user since 12, 3x per day, at 19 I discover that I have PIED and that I have an addiction.
    That was 2012.

    Fast forward 7 years. Countless streaks of no porn/no masturbation. Countless relapses. Periods of 2-3 months clean when I was on top of the world... Falls... When I could barely lift myself back again. No browsers, no internet, no smartphones, went through everything. Discovered in February, a few months ago, that I also have OCD. It s reboot related where literally anything and everything that I do makes me feel like I relapsed partially so I need to relapse completely so I start a clean reboot again because the one where I m in is stained.

    No surprise, afterall at 9 years old I was making the sign of the cross and beating into wood all night long not being able to sleep convinced that something bad will happen otherwise and need to start again my ritual for things to be perfect... Not all the time but I had these periods.

    I was posting on here since 2013 under the ssj4goku1992 name on a journal so maybe some guys know me from back then. It became so ridiculous that I was relapsing all the time that nobody was even responding anymore...

    I also wrote 2 success stories here so... As I said highs and lows.

    Since my fall in February I have struggled all these months to get myself back on. I can t even put into words the depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive thoughts and uncomfortable psychological and physical feelings. Today at work I felt an accumulation of thoughts and a pressure where I literally felt like exploding, I went to the bathroom and just sat there hoping that all this angst can disappear cause I literally felt like exploding, I can t even translate here these episodes of psychological pressure...

    I realised one thing now though. If I get myself back up now... I win. I know too much now. If I get myself back up now in these conditions... If I make this redemption... I win, I never relapse again I completely end this chapter of my life. Completely.

    So we re starting day 1. I ll update daily no matter what. Some doubting thoughts are trying to let their way in in my head even now as I m writing this. But no more. This is the redemption of journal of somebody who had it all and defeated porn addiction but fell again. The redemption of taking back my throne.

    Onwards!
     
  2. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Finished day 1 and onwards to day 2.

    Horrible day. Bouts of depression, anxiety, fears, obsessive thoughts, guilt of relapsing and all that shit. Because one friend sent me a clip where he s a fucking a woman, because i looked at a girl from tinder s pics, because i feel deply fearful and insecure about fighting and defending myself because i have hocd and all that shit.

    But 2/3 was good with the clouds cleared from my head and motivated as fuck to kill this here. Here I fell here I rise. In this fucking mom s basement before I take my flight off home in 5 weeks.

    Onwards!
     
  3. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Finished day 2. As always. Depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, fears, hocd, delusions, coupled with some very strong periods of clearness where i knew and realised that this is the second life of a streak that will last for my entire life. Of course, i have bouts like even right now with ocd trying to lie me that i relapsed cause i was picking my nose when i m not supposed to lol and trying to entice me with images of big breasts women in my head in online clips...

    Jesus who reads this would fucking lock me up in a mental asylum... But i ll knock this flat on its face and i ll succeed to turn everything around. Here i fell here i raise up, in this fucking room. It s my duty to finish this until i leave the country.

    Oh and i approached a mature women today and had a crazy erection and arousal between bouts of ocd saying i approached a woman too old...

    By the way i hate these stupid big phones. Fuck em.

    I killed it.
    Onwards! To day 3!!
     
  4. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Finished day 3. I can t say that the same shit wasn t present from last 2 days cause it was. It was also a big episode of discomfort coupled with big cravings. But said no and I fullfilled my target for the day.

    On to day 4!
     
  5. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Finished day 4. Went out in town. Kissed a woman. Had some fun :) some psihological discomfort as well. Insecure when talking to people. Insecure cause my chest brushed some people in the club and my nipples became very sensitive since some time ago i guess it s from gyno that i ll take out soon... My life is a horrible experience but hey! I didn t watch porn. I didn t masturbate. For 4 full days and i m starting my 5. Every psychological and physical discomfort can go to hell cause nothing will make me go back to watching porn and masturbating. Fuck porn fuck masturbating and fuck absolutely everything else, i m making my redemption out of hell and i m conquering this by the day.

    Onwards to day 5!
     

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