Redemption from hell

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by sesshomaruinuyasha, May 11, 2013.

  1. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    What about the physical effects on the neurochemicals and brain receptors?
     
  2. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I have finished my 1st and am in the 2nd day. I need to take out the blocker cause it created issues to my phone. And it's not a bad thing.
    During yesterday, through the pain of withdrawal I had a long introspection and came to a conclusion. My issue is guilt. As probably anybody who analised my journal already knew. Anybody except me...

    I realised that i have to face this guilt. It progressed more and more and more. Basically even if i breathe, my brain decides that i am guilty and that i have already partially relapsed so i have to relapse completely cause what i have to lose. It's the 2nd day. It works, but is difficult like hell. It's counter intuitive and the totally opposite of what i have done until now, to completely avoid and run from everything. I looked at the whatsapp picture of a new client today. Bum. Guilty. I have looked at the facebook photos of a girl that i am talking with to decide if she is worth to pursue anymore, bum guilty. You looked at her breasts. Bum Guilty. Well of course, where the fuck do you want me to look? Yesterday i even checked my browser history to see what the fuck did i do that i was feeling so guilty? Turns out that i didn't even browse ANYTHING, i was just listening to music but my brain kind of hallucinates these delusions...

    Piece by piece, day by day. If i see some picture i am not turning away now. I am looking and changing the page voila. I am not guilty. I am not guilty. I did nothing wrong...
     
  3. Lakaf

    Lakaf Active Member

    Lets see who streak much muhahahahha.
     
  4. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    :)
     
  5. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I have not masturbated in 2 hours and it feels insane. It feels torturous. Like i am turning insane. Good thing that i am going to sleep... I should say that this was kind of a day 0 i guess... A new day tomorrow.
     
  6. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I have started this day and have a lot of urges... Not normal urges. I did not have urges to masturbate to porn. I had all kinds of crazy unconfortable situations made up in my mind randomly throughout the day that seemed to torture me out of nowhere. And i wanted a way out. That was the urge. Shame, guilt, confusion, anxiety, depression, surprisingly mixed in with a lot of periods of happiness and joy. Even though i made a big change, my employer told me that it would be better to cut off ties, and i said yes, no issue, i will take my clients to another place and work on my own. Even though it was strange and kind of tough in the beginning, i was expecting this for 6 months. It was all kind of prepared. Basically my addiction destroyed my work. But i am happy to stay and be sober and start new chapters with better things that this time will not be fucked over. I am finishing the 1st day and i know that these are the hardest, but with the biggest change. The mental level seems to be more instabile than ever but i know that i will heal piece by piece day by day. Now that the iboga is out of the question, this is my only and last chance. To bring all together and finally stop my addiction to masturbating. The only sexual activity will happen with 1 girl minimum from now on. Finished the day and keep going, even if my phone is unblocked and i have porn and everything at hand. Fuck you and it! To day 2!
     
  7. Lakaf

    Lakaf Active Member

    --_-- .
     
  8. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Finished day 2. Kind of same things as in day on repeat but slightly less powerful. Now i started day 3. Same things. The addiction is worse than ever. But i will heal it, from this worse case scenario case. Guilt, thoughts that my penis touched the bed, when i lay on the side and when i change my position slightly into the bed, feeling it touching the bed and my pc muscles spasming... It is normal to touch the bed, the leg, the pants the whatever. My spasms aren't normal but i will solve them too. Feeling something pleasurable when it touches something normal too. Feeling guilty about this, not normal and never happened. Happens now. Regardless of what i felt and am feeling, i am not masturbating, i did not masturbate and will not masturbate in any way shape or form. Any sexual activity from now on will be sex. With a woman. Nothing solo. Day 3 started and i am continuing it. Worse than ever? We got that covered.
     
  9. Unbinding

    Unbinding Member

    Bro you've been at it for 5 years. Enough fucking around. If you're done with this then be done with it!
     
  10. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Correction. 6 years. And a half. This is the 7th year. Yep. Enough fucking around, you're 100% correct.

    Ended day 4. Massive massive depression and mood swings today especially regarding women. I was constantly out this day, at the gym, on the road etc but in my mind it was a hell, a nightmare and a fucking war. Well, at the end of the day, seems that some clarity took over my mind and i am far better.. On to day 5.
     
  11. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    End of day 5. Mood swings, disconfort, madness, a crazy battlefield is inside my head coupled with some nice periods of peace. On to day 6
     
  12. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    End of day 6. A pretty ok day compared to the last. Only at the end of it i had massive cravings. Think my brain turned the page and is trying different strategies to get me back masturbating. Sadly for him it doesn't work. On to day 7
     
  13. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    End of the first hell week. Outside some crazy disconfort triggered through some stupid shit ( a colleague said hello being touchy, touching my hip in a playful manner, a bro hello lets say ) of course something normal but something that triggered disconfort and cravings cause i am facing a decade and a half fucking addiction, everything was ok. I did not masturbate, i do not masturbate and will not do it for the rest of my life. Any sexual activity will be with a partner not by myself no matter what kind of disconfort, triggers, cravings , guilt, delusions or whatever the fucks going through my mind. On to day 8.
     
  14. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    https://www.conqueredself.com/

    Hi guys. I found an awesome and amazing websites. In 9 days and a half a war against pmo starts. It's an amazing game that is specifically being made to fight different addictions. It has an MMO type of structure. Enlist there so you can participate in it. I'm ssj4goku1992 there for anyone that wants to know.

    This is the youtube link presenting it which had me completely sold.

     

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