Redemption from hell

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by sesshomaruinuyasha, May 11, 2013.

  1. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Day 18 no pmo.

    Thank god for sweets and the internet. They make me feel good an fill some part of this numbness and emptiness that i feel. I am so empty, so detached from everything. I just went for a long walk in the park where i was looking at all these couples... At how they are together... I just was feeling so numb i guess..

    These days ... damn these days were such a lesson in how the addiction is a bio psycho social disease. You truly need to reintegrate in society. you truly need to learn to live in a fucking society... The instant gratification? Gone. You are trying to use some other things like the internet or sugar or some other shit but it doesn't work. Uhmmm... Seeing a beautiful girl on the street. Or 2 or 3. Or in a store. You just see her and thats it. If you dont do something you come home empty handed. No sex for you at the end of the line. No nothing. More loneliness at home and thats it. The cycle that went for years, i see hot girl, i click video, i masturbate to video, i finish does not exist anymore. My brain is literally dumbfounded that he cannot have his "girls" like that. He's looking for these ones in real life and he is dumbfounded that it does not work like that... That they are rare. And that you need to put in work to meet them. And it may not go anywhere. Its not some instant pleasure.

    This addiction will be studied for years. We are the guinea pigs. This is not a normal fucking addiction where its just about gratification pleasure and voila thats it. This has our most primal neural circuits, the sex - reproduction ones at play and thus builds a very strange and complicated type of addiction in which you do not know how to live a life... You never did. Everything is way too strange. Regardless i wanted to drink a bottle of wine but neah better with some sweets. Trying other drugs? I just dont give a fuck. Dont masturbate dont watch porn. Dont matter the brain shenaningans at play. And thats it. So i am finishing the 18 day, and my 4 day of the third hell week. I cannot lie it really is far easier these days. Though im waiting for some though shit ahead. I left my addict life, now i am living my recovery life. EVerything is changing from day to day, my mood my thoughts my everything. In a few months probably i will get the normal life too :) Keep going.
     
  2. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Day 22 no pmo. Finished all the 3 hell weeks. Started the 4th.

    I swear to god it seems that every fucking bitch out there is in a goddamn relationship... You dont find a good girl who's single anymore... Jesus.
    Feeling crazier by the day. Also more relaxed and happy by the day. The craziness is either a byproduct of my recovery and dealing with the real life or just the true me coming to life...
     
  3. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Finished 30 days and a complete month. A hell month. With so many backs and forths. A second one starts now.
     
    BeInControl likes this.
  4. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I have been an idiot. There was still a flaw in my system and in my strategy. I finished 30 days and on day 31 i relapsed. Day 32 and 33 full of relapses.

    Because there was still a kink in my plan. The plan was having 2 rules. Don't rub your dick ( aka masturbating ) and don't watch porn. No matter what you do do not violate these rules. Your brain will pull all kinds of shenaningans on you but no matter what don't violate the 2 rules and everything will be ok. Treat each day as a hell day and go through them with ferocity. Discomfort only grows us.

    Perfect plan? Wrong. Yesterday some way or another i got on a cosmopolitan website with an article about some sex positions with some images. I should have went out right? Well guess what, according to MY plan, i was asking if i watched porn... Was that porn? What is porn and what isn't porn? Cause i have masturbated to anything in between and nothing some times. The indirect attacks and tricks that i talked when i started this last streak came back. You already violated the rule. Go all the way... And i did. And i should have done it. In order to discover that kink that was in my plan i had to pay with my progress and with days off my life... Days or weeks or months who knows...

    But i payed and i will still pay. Though it was well worth it. I filled the last kink in the plan. The rule is do not masturbate. DO NOT MASTURBATE. No matter what you do, see, think, look etc do not masturbate. No matter what do not violate THIS rule. Your brain will pull all kinds of shenaningans on you, be careful, in order to make you do this, it will not be that easy, but do not violate THE rule and no matter what EVERYTHING will be ok until the end of life. Treat each day as a hell day in order to get the motivation to form a streak and go through them with ferocity. Discomfort only grows us. Don't forget where you started and how many years this addiction took out of me and remember it daily. Don't become complacent. Though, as we know, we only need to follow 1 and 1 rule only. Other things may help us or be detrimental but in the end. 1 and 1 rule only. Do not masturbate. Do not have sex with yourself by yourself.

    I instantly took all of the trick's power by bending the rules to accomodate the last part that it had with which it could manipulate me indirectly. Voila.
    I am going to bed and starting a first day. In a few days i'll forget this shit. Remember? I was too close last time. I had everything figured out outside of this last little kink. I thought throughly. Now i should actually be happy. Cause i found the key.

    Day 1 will start. Let the games begin!...
     
  5. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    The falls are harder and harder. When i do relapse it's the end of the world... It's like it's impossible to get back on track. I become a full blown addict once again.
    It was too great at the end of this 30 day period. I felt so awesome. Even though i was kind of pissed at the world i was so happy with myself.. I started to be like this since 2 weeks free. And the feeling intensified in time...

    Regardless. I have one day to stay clean. And then another. And then another. They should be and will be some hell days. This morning i had a horrible state. A psychosis state kind of i do not know. An addictive episode when i did not know what to do, i wanted to strangle myself... I felt asleep and after i slept some hours I woke up and i am far better. Probably because i fell into a horrible state. I would say lowest of the low but i don't want to do this kind of bets... I am a little afraid. But i will manage to pull it off. I have done it and i will do it far better. The lows are lower and the highs are higher until the end where it is just the high. Just the low would mean suicide. No way.

    In a few days i will be ok. The first day are the hardest. After that it will be better and better. I will come and write here once again at the end of the day. I planned some activities so that i can be preoccupied. See you tonight.
     
  6. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    A stupid friend sent me a stupid ass joke. There were some meat rolls, one white one black in a frying pan. And it had on top the pornhub logo and down saying something like interracial bullshit. Haha interracial, cause the meat rolls were white and black. Haha. Awesome joke. I did not even want to open the image to make it bigger, i just read the stupid joke from the small window. And now for 10 minutes straight i have my indirect craving of "you did something bad, you did something bad, relapse, relapse", my mental, emotional and psychological distress and discomfort. My dick even started to move 1 minute ago, like saying, yeah yaeh lets porn a bit.

    Fucking piece of shit im going to anihilate you all. Anihilate. Stay in the discomfort. Stay in the pain. Go through the forge. Make that bitch mine. No matter what don't violate the rules. Dont watch porn and dont rub your dick. Thats it. Im ending my day abiding to the rules and giving the middle finger to my brain shenanigans. Felt better to vent out here. Peace out.
     
  7. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Relapsed. God end my suffering
     
  8. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Hope you’re alright buddy
     
  9. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Thanks for chiming in... Alright for sure i am not... Giving it one more fight... Yes, that i will do.. Once again thanks for chiming in.
     
  10. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    End of day 1. Some guilt as always but actually ended it ok.
     
  11. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    End of day 4. Quite some guilt these days but i overcame it. Today was a horrible day, went to a restaurant, my phone got stolen, we started to argue with the employees from there, at some point the owner grabbed me by the neck and put me down , held me there and other one kicked me in the head. After that the cops came in, peace was made and i also found the phone. It was in a menu and a waiter took it. I feel pretty good that i am taking this on my own, no self medication through pmo ing. But i feel horrible that i was so powerless in the face of a random old guy and his employees... So horrible... I will take action though to learn how to properly fight... Right now psychologically i feel so bad i cant even sleep.. But i am sober so that is good
     
  12. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    10 days checking in. All good. I have made my plans. I am getting all the power this year. Physical power. Financial power. And Sober power.
     
  13. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I contacted an ibogaine provider. I do not know if it's ok to write it in here. She sent me an e-mail with more questions and i responded to her today.
    I decided that i will take one last shot at this. My last shot with all that i have got. If i do not succeed and relapse again i will take the ibogaine. Even if i have a risk of death. Today we end this problem. Once and for all one way or the other. With my life on the line. Literally. End of day 1.
     
  14. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Thanks for the reply. Sadly for desperate times there are only desperate measures. This was the deal. My own pact. There is one last shot at this that i am taking with absolutely all of my power. If it fails I am taking the Ibogaine, even knowing that there are chances to die. Sadly I cannot live like this anymore. I don't know how it is for others, but for me it was a torture and i cannot live like this anymore. I need to take it out of my life. By all means necessary.

    Thanks for chiming in and wish you good luck on your journey too. I am completing 4 days and going on the 5th.
     
  15. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Also, I know that you had and have good intentions but sadly you are confusing some of the terms...

    There is ONE thing to be a person who uses porn/alcohol/drugs etc and walk around on the street happy with no issues.
    There is a WHOLE another thing to be a person who has a real ADDICTION to porn/alcohol/drugs etc. Your whole life has nothing in common with the guys from the previous example. You cannot tell an alcoholic that it's not that bad, there are a lot of people walking the streets happily who drink alcohol. Of course they are. Because they do not have an addiction, as the guy in the example has. You cannot say to him that life isn't that bad, pull yourself, look at the others.

    Well... Others do not have an addiction. I am drinking alcohol too but have 0 in common to an alcoholic. To tell him to pull himself together, it's not that bad, i am drinking alcohol too and am happy would be a disrespect to him and a complete lack of understanding of the difference between using something and having the biological disease to it called addiction.

    As i have said, i know that you had good intentions, but i needed to clarify what you said a bit. Regardless, good luck in your own journey too!
     
  16. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    You have an interesting story. You seem to have had glimpses of addiction as i call it. I have a friend who i am pretty sure that is just like you.
    Sadly the whole issue doesn't end there. There are levels to this, and you CLEARLY did not have a full blown addiction. You had glimpses of it. That's why for you it was not much of a difference a life without porn compared to one with it. For me, it is an absolutely night and day difference. So much that my main goal , to solve the porn induced erectile dysfunction has been severely downgraded to a far distant second goal, now relegated to that place by the goal to just be sober. The happiness and the freedom of being sober doesn't compare to anything that i have ever experienced.

    So im happy for you and your journey, but don't think that your experience was the full spectrum of an addiction. There is far more to it, unfortunately. Ending day 5.
     
  17. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Oh my days that story with the large girl was crazy ahahaha you dirty dog LOL at least you realise it was only a fetish now .. and at least it’s a morally acceptable fetish
     
  18. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    LOL yeah. Glad you had fun reading it. It was so crazy for me. I mean literally crazy. I am super horny and aroused at her, strangely, and in a fucking minute of sex after i finish (cause i have premature ejaculation now once again due to porn and masturbation) all of the horniness subsides, all of the arousal subsides and huge huge disgust is the only think that i can see or feel. I was even disgusted to look at her... That's when i realised that it is just a fetish induced by pmo, it is not a natural desire of mine, otherwise i wouldn't feel like that once it is over.
     
  19. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Hi guys...

    Sadly the same thing happened. It's the same cycle from february 2012 until now. Abstain relapse. Sobriety then relapse. Over and over and over and over. Sobriety for 1 day/1 week/ 1 month/ 2 months and everything inbetween then relapse...

    Kapow, i looked at Squire's journey. He is trying to find Jesus. I don't want to be disrespectful but i am not looking for imaginary creatures from little kids fairy tales.

    Yesterday I installed tinder. I matched with a girl. I was talking to her. After that i was looking at her pictures from 5 to 5 minutes because i kept forgetting how she looked. After that i fantasized about having sex with her. Once again guilt hit me. I was scrolling like a madman through facebook. Nothing sexual, just my internet addiction. Guilt hit me. When i woke up today, i was full of guilt. Guilt guilt guilt guilt. I always feel guilty as if i do something wrong with my reboot. ALWAYS. This is how i fall every single time. Through guilt. Guilt that i already fucked up. Guilt that i already did something bad. Guilt that i did not do my reboot perfectly. And then it's... If you already did something wrong... Why don't you go all the way? Look how appetising porn and masturbation are... They are the best thing in the world. Fuck everything else. They are perfect. It will relieve you of your guilt and of the bad feelings and they will be the best thing in the world.

    But no! I know that they will hurt me. They will not help me! Noooo! Nooo! They will help you. C'mon, you can reboot after that. Go for that porn now! Look at all those babes! In real life these bitches are horrible. They are dumb and ugly and stupid. Fuck them, you have nothing to lose, you already were in pain, go for it.

    And i relapse. Today i went to the gym with my guilt, i matched with a ton of girls on tinder, i met with her. Fat, hairy. Horrible. Though i was so aroused i would have fucked a dog. I told her to come to my place. She didnt want. I deleted her from my phone. It's basically impossible to find a nice, beautiful, normal, inteligent girl. It's basically impossible. Fuck my life. Fuck this bloody country where i was born. Fuck everything. All of them are a bunch of fat, ugly, dumb, imbeciles. ALL OF FUCKING THEM. All of them want you to treat them special and some shit, and stay after them 3 fucking weeks until you fuck them. It's like hookups weren't invented in this dumb country. At the least if they would deserve it. Of course they dont deserve it. Those bitches don't even respond properly. Hello, how are you? Seen. SEEN? SEEN? FUCKING SEEN? I am at 3 modelling agencies, and get called for commercials. I fucking receive seen??? From you imbecilistic piece of dumb shit? SEEN? Why dont you go and kill yourself?

    So with that mentality plus my guilt i came home and relapsed. I went to a therapist years ago. I knew FAR more about this than her. I ve had girlfriends... I ve had hook ups. Tons of them. 20 girls fucked until now. Most of them sucked though. I've told my mom and my friends. I have had internet on and off for years. I ve masturbated at the fucking mcdonalds wc from images that i have seen in a book 5 minutes earlier at my 22nd birthday when my girlfriend was in another town.

    I have a very serious issue. I always thought that later and later and later i will fix it. My life is a mess. I cannot fucking stand it anymore. No matter how easy this reboot is, yesterday was so easy, it always come a point were my brain is hijacked. I cannot remember how bad porn/masturbation is. I cannot remember this. I just feel horrible. And it is so enticing. I can only see how good it is. Far better than everything ever. And i cannot remember for the love of god all of my damage that it did to me. And i always feel that i will fix it the next time. Just let me have one last shot. I am 25 and a half. I am tired. I feel that i have lost my life and my youth to this.

    I cannot do this anymore. I want out. I want a way out. I just cannot take this. I do not want this. Why does everything need to be so empty? Why does everything need to be so bad? Why cant i have a normal life like all the others? Why does it need to be full of problems and unhappiness? Why cant i find a good fucking girl? Why is it full of clinically retarded women? I just want a way the fuck out.

    How can ibogaine destroy me more than porn? Yes Bauldr, it was your thread that inspired me. After that i did my research. I have a percentage of dying through heart failure. I understood. Anything else? How can it hurt me more?

    Kapow, how can you say that it cannot help me with anything else that i can do sober? Have you ever heard of something that you take and you do not want to participate in your addiction anymore? That it somehow someway affects the brain biologically in a way that addictions and a whole other bunch of compulsions and mental issues seems solved after that? Besides the psychological journey there is a very physical thing. And i want it... If you guys have any other feedback or suggestions... I am open. I said that i will give one more last try and if i fail i take the ibogaine. I failed. I am communicating with you now and... i will decide if i will try it or not...
     
  20. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I have blocked my phone's porn access. At least temporary. I have watched more videos of porn addiction. I understand that i am having severe issues. I am trying to solve them, piece by piece, so that i can have a fulfilling life... Day by day. :)
     
  21. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I understood that i cannot take the ibogaine by myself, without medical supervision... I do not have money right now for going to a proper clinic. So the only option is to heal myself, with a better approach. Have another "one last try". A more proper one. And in the future, maybe also go to the clinic. Or maybe not, if i do not feel the need anymore.
     
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