Redemption from hell

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by sesshomaruinuyasha, May 11, 2013.

  1. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Just so you know, it's still me here. I just had a change of username and profile picture but im still here!
     
  2. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

  3. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    End of second week
     
  4. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    End of third week
     
  5. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Beginning.... I have made a life calendar.. It shows your life in weeks... How many passed... How many you still have... Theoretically at the very least..
    When you look at that calendar and how much time or how less time you have left... It just strikes a special kind of chord... Especially where you are looking at your youth... Especially... We have so few weeks in our youth... A lot of them passed for me... I still have some left... But they are so few... It shows you black and white where you are in your life and how finite is it. Thats it no nothing. No after live heaven valhala valkyrie valbullshit. Everything is now and then after that the computer blacks out... And it depends on you how you are filling the spaces cause time never stops ticking...
     
  6. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Well, I have completed 10+ weeks no PMO. Everything was great. At some point i fucked it up. The day before yesterday. Or something like that. Yesterday or the day before yesterday. I dont't even know it anymore. But this time, i know that not all progress and definitely not everything was lost. I tried to block my new phone but it doesn t work. Now i am unblocked. I was unblocked for 5 or 6 weeks before and no issue. I know that i can get there. I received some news today. Childish for others but i dont give a fuck. To me, it meant the world. It doesn't matter exactly what. But it ignited the spark in me to get back where i was , QUICKLY, and to prove once and for all that i am a man now, at 25, and these years and battles didnt pass for fucking nothing. It also showed me that life and all things end. QUICK cause we have no time. The end for the addiction!
     
    1234dyl likes this.
  7. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    10 weeks is a freakin' lot of progress. It's definetely not lost because of a few slips, just make sure to minimize the damage and you should be right on track in no time.
     
  8. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Thanks for the reply Cid ;) Yes, theoretically it is not lost but i can clearly see fell and gauge a shit ton of progress lost sadly... Arousal far lower and all of the other things... I will recover faster due to all of the progress being previously made though. That is pretty clear. Im already on the right track. But i am sitting here, posting and talking to you, being almost a week free WITHOUT any blocker... This didn't happen in a looooong time... It is pretty clear that i had learned a lot of things and changed a lot in all these years and all these battles that i have been through. When i though 2 days ago about how many years of my youth that i lost... I was in tears... But it is what it is and the past cannot be changed. All we can do is change the present and the future! :) Hope that you are ok too and on the right path to everything in your personal and private life!
     
  9. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Lost. Again. I have no words anymore. I feel nothing anymore. I m at the end of my powers. I dont know what to say and.... It just... This is me. This is my life. It will never change. I have never ever succeeded no matter what. I have never had successfull sex with somebody without viagra in my entire life... My life is so sad to think about it... A life of addiction, of pain, of emptiness, of hurt, of nothing... A youth that will never ever come back... It is the end of it... Im realising now that im in the "ages 20-24" but i am no longer in this category... I have moved one more category into 25-34. From 19-...

    But I have only one kneejerk instinct in saying no. No. No. No. This aint over. It cant be over. It wont be over. No matter what if when where how or what the fuck. It is not over. It cannot be over. I refuse. I refuse to back down. Its the only thing that i can say or think or... Otherwise all of my brain is completely fried up. The prince is not backing down or out. I am winning this!
     
  10. Moominsuperdodo

    Moominsuperdodo New Member

    I've just read your journal and I've got to say I'm impressed, lots of stuff to relate to.
    It's not over till the fat lady sings, this time might be the last the time keep it up!
     
  11. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    So true. Glad that i could help.
     
  12. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    It is time to end this misery once and for all. I just cannot take it. It has pushed me to levels beyond comprehension. I never thought that my life could or would ever take this trajectory. Ever. I was looking at old classmates facebook profiles. Looking at what each of them were now. Kids that i knew and grew up with. I just.... Not me, not anybody in a million years could have thought that my life could take this kind of trajectory.

    But it did. It does not matter now what it was... I just cannot take this anymore. I just cannot take this pure abuse that i was subjected to by this fucking misery. This piece of new shit invented called high speed internet pornography. Fucking tube sites. This crap has driven me to the point of madness. Of insanity.

    Of suicide. TO THE POINT. I am just too beaten, too abused, too dragged to the floor. I have endured enough emotional pain for 1000 lives. Enough falls and tears and thoughts that ask... Why do I live? What's the point? If it is just to continue this then why should i continue... But i am too much of a coward to do something about that... For suicide... But if i cannot ever get out of this?... Somebody just take me... These are and were the thoughts. But no more. It is too much. I cannot believe that 6+ years have passed since i started to fight against this. My initial 3 months turned into 6+ years. The last week i had the worse sexual encounter with a woman WITH tons of Viagra in my system. Since January i have fallen against this constantly and continously. I have just endured too much pain out of this. Way too much emotional pain. My life sucks and sucked. Since forever. Fuck sex, it's the last thing that it matters. The only thing that it matters is that i was and am in too much pain and i want to get out. I want to be happy. I want to live. I want it to end. End end end end end. Even now that i am writing this i only have thoughts in my head that are asking what is gonna be different this time?.. You have just gone to the point where nothing matters anymore... The depression is too great... The anxiety is too great... Kill yourself cause its the only way that you can get out... Otherwise you will just continue the torture.

    But it must be another way out of this. It is another way out of this. I can go out of this... I can go out of this.. I must go out of this... I cannot take this constant abuse and pain... I CANNOT!!!! No more!! No more no more no more no more no more no more no more!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enough with this. Enough with everything. Enough enough enough. I want it to stop... Make it stop... stop...

    I just don t have trust in me anymore that i have what it takes to ever end this... I just don't care about nothing anymore... I have seen every single last aspect of this addiction and addiction lead life... 6 years of constant struggle... 6 years of constant battles... 6 years of pain cycles... 6 years of addiction... It has become worse and worse. Progressively worse. My mental health has far deteriorated in all of this time. Probably my dopamine receptors are close to non existent now... Even though i had quite long breaks between the relapses.. It seems that at some point... No matter the length of the break, the next relapse will be worse. And worse and worse. And the biological and psychological damage only grows bigger and bigger. Even though i know that i can do this. This minute i now that i can do this. The next minute i am asking if i could ever do this? Then the next minute i know once again that i can win. And the next minute i feel like i am in prison forever and want to cry...

    Well... What can i do? There is nothing out there on this earth that can help me... The only one that can help me is ME. The only one that can change this by ending all of it... Is me... I need to have trust in myself no matter what happens and just STOP using internet pornography. Otherwise i may not be here for too long...
     
  13. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Man. After I wrote that last night. I slept 2 hours. Woke up. Slept again. When I woke up I masturbated again. As i had lost all hope and all fighting spirit and basically the will to live, I log in here, I read your reply, and I open that David Goggins video with Joe Rogan.

    I have cried today from when I woke up, but more so during that video... I didn't think that I could be that impressed. It definitely slapped some sense into me.
    Through what has that man been... Such an inspiration. Through pain and adversity we must rise up and destroy our issues. There is literally no other way.

    I am fucking this shit up and winning. 100%.

    Bauldr, get it man. You have been through shit just as big or even bigger than mine. It's your time too. To shine. Get your life back man. Let's own this shit and take our lives back. I wish you the best and thank you for your lending hand when I was down. It will not be forgotten.
     
  14. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I have completed the first damn day. In the beginning very hyped and stoked, 100% confident that i will win. In the later moments of the day as I have correctly predicted i had dwindling thoughts about this, but my base confidence never left me. As i had a ton of craziness and bad emotions, these being the best words that could describe the mental games that my brain was playing on me, i never masturbated or watched porn. End of story. Did 1 day, you can do 1000.

    And for real, that David Goggins dude... He's just fucking unreal i swear.
     
  15. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Did my second day with ups,downs and brain illusions that wanted to get me there thoroughly defeated.

    He really is phenomenal. Hope that you're ok too :)
     
  16. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    In my third day. Just realised how this addiction beat me for 6 years straight. In the beginning there are the direct urges. Masturbate to porn... Feel good... Feel awesome!. In the end i always defeated these ones. After 2 or so weeks, they do not work on me anymore. Seems that the addiction, hijacking my brain, then used a trick that always worked. If i could not give in to direct urges... then it started with indirect things.

    For example, my friend sent me a picture today of his former girlfriend with which he is at the beach now. If i look at her. A strong thought pops. What did you do?
    You look at sexual things? You want to search sex things? You want sex things here huh? You should be ashamed of yourself... You want to give in. You already gave in. It's just a matter of time. Why do you even continue? You looked/searched/wanted sex things online. You looked at that hot girl/searched sex advice/ etc whatever... You already destroyed yourself. Your progression is not perfect anymore. Thats it, you have no reason to continue. You can just fucking relapse, cause you fucked everything. You will start then from the beginning.

    Together with horrible shame/guilt/anxiety. Boom. It worked like a swiss clock every single fucking time. I realised part of this from some time but i never realised it completely like now. I never learned to deal with them and never fought against them like against the direct urges where you just want to pmo for pleasure.

    If it was not for this indirect addiction way with the shame/guilt/anxiety , if it was not for this trick, after 3 weeks i would have never ever pmod again.
    EVER... It seemed so clear when i realised it... That was the missing link. That was always the missing link why i fell hundred maybe thousand of times and rised up again and fell after again. I thought that it was my fault cause i was stirring the pot by NOT avoiding anything sexual... But this is not a normal addiction and you will be forever surrounded by sexual virtual images and videos want it or not... The key was to fight against every single kind of urge that it produced not to run for them forever... It helps you in the beginnning but sooner or later you will see something sexual on the internet... By this new way, it will hurt you a lot in the beginning but you can forever conquer your reaction to sex images...

    I spent 1 hour thinking if i should really look at the picture sent by the friend. A picture with a girl in a bikini. 1 hour. I realised that i found my holy grail, was awestruck but still didn't pull the trigger to just LOOK at the picture, voila, i saw the girl goodbye.

    The rare times that i thought that i defeated this forever... were the times were the direct urges could not beat me AND the indirect ones too.. I had girls sending me videos of them masturbating... No issue... Because i didnt THINK and did not CONSIDER myself guilty for something... The moment that i THOUGHT I AM GUILTY, it was down the drain. It works perfectly because i had ocd as a child and probably addiction brought it once again. Together with a perfectionist nature.... It was THE THING that it used to bring me down. Otherwise i am too hardheaded to be defeated by simple urges no matter how strong they were. After that, comes the urge but NEVER would have fallen to them after a significant period of time without that "You already fucked up, pmo now, it has no sense now, pmo..."

    When i realised that i never fuck up, it was just a trick, and it is normal to be in contact with sexual stimuli... And just defeat every single of them... That was it. It clicked.
    Of course never VOLUNTARILY search for porn. Im talking about normal pics of girls that you are seeing on fbk or videos with sex themes or whatever...

    I have already experienced that zen state. The ultra instinct. Twice. Third time is forever. I thought that it would be easy...
    After i decided to look at that simple picture that one month ago i would have just laughed at... The thoughts came. You did wrong you did wrong, pmo, shame , guilt, anxiety. Oh fuck, wasn't that simple i guessed...

    Still i have to fight through my own hell weeks, now my brain does not work. It says you were wrong. You did wrong. I could not think rationally what i thought earlierand now. It was just a huge fog, pressure, bad feelings everything allover... I decided that i just need to grit it out. My idea was good , the glue that makes it stick though it's grit. Determination. Fight against discomfort. Stay there. Seek discomfort, seek pain, own it and complete the day exactly like it was thought. Do not rub your dick. Do not watch porn. And i am doing it now and forever. Stay strong guys.
     
  17. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Ended the first week and went through all the crazy shenanigans. It's crazy when the libido starts to come back. It's crazy how real human libido is. How powerful and how much of a pleasure and desire you feel. Crazy how everybody and society downplays sex so much. Now when i am starting to really feel it... Me, who i never felt it before... Unbelievable how it actually really feels.

    Now i am thinking about people and realising... this is what you motherfuckers feel and felt all along? Damn... and you behaved like there was no such thing in your life at all...
     
    1234dyl likes this.
  18. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Well... If you ever wanted to hear what an insane man's life looks like... Read on.

    Today was and is day 8 of my no pmo. I have not masturbated or watched porn or had an orgasm by this activity.
    Yesterday I talked on tinder with a girl. We met today. She was the ugliest woman in the whole starbucks. A huge girl, as tall or me or taller, with an uglish face and a fat body. She was probably 6 feet 225 pounds. Hair in a ponytail cause it wasn't washed, i realised after that. We sat at the table and i said nooo way i am having something to do with this one. Not even a one night stand. After that we changed tables. She was talking about sex... And when she laid back she had some biggish tits.
    I said well why not. I asked her to come home. She said not today. And we kissed. French kissed. That was at the end, when she was looking for a taxi.

    I was switching between being thoroughly disgusted by her and being highly attracted to her. I have a fat fetish. So i was fantasising all about sex with her.
    I couldn't stop these thoughts. I wrote to her at 4am , i am so horny something like that. Thinking that when she will wake up we will talk about this, and she will come to my place and have sex. Well she was fucking awake. And she responded. And she continued the conversation. Well i started to tell her about my fantasies being so aroused. I sent her a pic of my dick. I even said that i want to see her naked... Meaning in real life, or she should send a picture to show me. I specifically said it so it can be interpreted. Not for her too much, but for my addiction who was trying to make me feel guilty about texting her my fantasies, and about wanting me to see a naked picture of her. It was trying to make its game, the shame and guilt game that i was talking about. Otherwise i was so horny yesterday, even today, no porn blockers no nothing and it cannot budge me an inch. So the old trick. Guess what, she said she will come now. Ok. As i was giving the addiction the middle finger, trying to rationalise how everything is ok and i did not do anything wrong, i was doing my reverse kegels to counter my spasm pc muscle induced premature ejaculation.

    I took 100mg Kamagra and 1 full ml (30mg) Liquid Cialis. To be ready for a full night you know... As i was doing my kegels and trying to rationalise that i did nothing wrong in asking her to see her naked, my dick was half aroused on my leg walking through the house. I started to do an exercise that i have done before. Touching it for a half second and trying to counter the subsequent pc muscle spasm with a reverse kegel. Cause i felt it on my leg when i was walking that it was so close to cumming just from touching my leg. I was so trying to fix this as soon as possible to have nice sex with the troll LOL. I started to do my exercise, of course, i was not touching my dick directly, I was touching through my pants, then squeezing for a half second and countering with a reverse kegel, doing it again etc. That was a more advanced type of reverse kegeling. Instead of doing it in pure air, you tried to touch it and counter the spasm directly. Because i knew that if i would be touched by that woman s vagina or mouth hand etc the spasms would start. Touching seemed to fuck my reverse kegel game when i was suffering from severe premature ejaculation. Nowadays too. Last time i came exactly when i put it into a girl's vagina even being just a half erection. Regardless, i did this exercise when i was expecting sex and trying to calm these spasms down. Never in a full way, just doing it for a few times, to "teach" the dick about the subsequent touching and to calm myself showing to myself that i can counter the spasms now and not have pure premature ejaculation. When i did this of course the previous guilt about me saying to her i want to see you naked came, i think i started to do the exercise to even show myself that there is no guilt, there is no nothing, i am having sex, i am waiting for a girl to come to my house to have sex because we talked about this/sexted, everything is ok, i know that the guilt card is being pulled by the addiction but i am giving it the middle finger, look, i am touching my dick, doing my previous exercise for fucking. Even more guilt after that, dude you touched and squeezed your dick. After a few times i left my dick alone and waited for the girl (troll) to come.

    Oh i should have said how when i left the date with the troll i was scared that maybe i will start to get a libido just to these women. Then i realised that my journey has been done to this day with ups and downs, i am not starting today or since 8 days ago for the first time. And even if i would there would be no issue. As i came home i saw a girl that i so like and talked with her on fbk but nothing came out of it. Man i had such a desire to ravage her sexually, no longer did i view her as a fucking piece of art, now i also had a libido that talked to me fuck the girl fuck the girl. I was so ok. I said damn, my libido is coming back. With a vengeance. I started to fantasise about this girl, 20% sex and 80% about walking with her, meeting her, talking to her, going to the movies with her, loving her damn. The libido is truly a man's and probably woman's life force and drive to getting in love.

    Ok I ended the paranthese. So as i was battling my addiction's indirect ways of trying to make me feel bad and relapse, as i am battling it even now, when i write, the troll came. Damn she was unattractive but i was so sexually attracted to this shit. I licked her pussy, (Wanted to lick her ass but she told me via text that she doesn't like it, thank god that i did not do it) fingered her ass, she sucked my dick, i was telling her to lick my nipples, i just buried my face in her pussy, i was so sexually aroused, i was feeling so depraved, i was very quick to come when she was sucking me. Ok after this oral sex I started to fuck her. Damn , a few pumps, and horrible premature ejaculation. All of those exercises for nothing. I really need real sex. Also, even though i was so aroused my erection was fading some times... I really did some damage, even with arousal seemed to be a disconnection with my dick...
     
  19. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Then i came.

    Jesus. Disgust that i never ever experienced started to take a hold of me. I realised that this shit was just a porn induced fetish. It is not my normal real fetish. This fat ugly bitches sex... I told her to go home. She went and right before i started to write on here i blocked her from facebook tinder fucking everywhere. I put sanitary alcohol in my mouth to disinfect it. It burned like hell. On my dick, on my hands, on my pillow, on my bed... That kind of disgusted... It showed how fucking insane i am and how fucking damaged my brain and brain chemistry is now... I knew it, with all this damage,it's miracle that i can even live .... But today it showed me how much of a fucking damage my brain has... Pure insanity... I felt like such an insane man going through all this...

    I definitely need to call my old fuckbuddy to restart my rewiring process... Even though i felt bad cause i told her about all of my issues. I need to have constant sex and kind of quick and with somebody that i dont feel like throwing up after i am done with it...

    I feel so fucking good though writing here, pouring my soul, NOT rubbing my dick for 8 days now, NOT having watched porn for 8 days now, being free and battling like a dark demon against this... I am putting this bitch and all of its trick do her knees.. Even though it's so tough that it has taken the lives of so many though people around the world, addiction will be truly killed by me. End of day 8 and off we go to day 9 ;)
     
  20. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    10 days No PMO. This is the 11th. Or the 4th day of my 2nd hell week. Things started to be kicked up a notch. I don't know if i can say that i have depression and anxiety... Overall i feel quite good and happy. Thoooooough i have an attitude of fuck the world. Like really fuck the world. Like you can all kill yourself tomorrow and i will be happy, fuck the world.

    I am kind of liking this evil me... I can say that i am very pissed of and frustrated at the fact that i cannot find any girls. Any girls that i fucking like i must say. I fucked 20 girls with the troll being counted. But fuck me if i reaaally liked more than 1 of those damn bitches... I dont know man. There are no fucking quality girls. And the ones who are dont respond... Dont they know who they are fucking with? Their pathetic and miserable existence should bow down in front of me. Yeah yeah lets cry, its not politically correct. Who gives a fuck about anything political or anything correct lol. What the fuck does "CORRECT" even mean... You would need a system of reference to give meaning to this relative word called "correct".

    I am starting to gain back my gym strength. Crypto is starting to come to life once again. I ll once again be on the path to becoming a millionaire. I am fucking pushed all the time by the addiction with direct urges or indirect urges. You saw a girl on facebook. You looked at her photos and her breasts. Definitely you should pmo now cause you are so wrong. I am wrong? You are wrong you fucking addiction piece of shit thinking that this damn shame/guilt trick will work on me ever again... Motherfucker...

    I feel a dopamine craving tremendously. I am pissed at the world and cannot stay still for a moment. I fucking need new clicks on the internet to stimulate me. Scroll through fbk, look through profiles, look on twitter, look on reddit. Crypto stuff mostly and some girl seeing on fbk on which i act by sending them messages and adds if i see something that i like. I dont just look like a fucking wanker at pictures on a screen. Though im too pissed that nobody is responding and im not looking and searching for shit now. No girls. I see way too hot girls, that dont answer me, that go with punks and all kinds of shit.
    DONT RUB YOUR DICK. RULE 1.
    DONT WATCH PORN. RULE 2.
    NEVER VIOLATE THEM NO MATTER WHAT. PROFIT. Im going on that 11 days now. Crushing everything in my path....
     
  21. Lakaf

    Lakaf Active Member

    Great One Dude!

    Lets see who gets the highest streak!
     
  22. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Thanks dude. Yeah, keep it going brother! ;)

    14 day No pmo.
    Ok. I am now finishing 2 weeks these days. 2 hell weeks. Basically the hardest part went away. I have spent quite some time on online dating... I just cannot seem to find nice girls in real life. Not that i could ever do it in online dating but i tried once again. Swiped through hundreds of profiles, messaged them, looked at them... Nope.
    I will delete this shit these days and work more at real life dating. Online just doesn't do it for me at all. Of course my addiction's indirect methods of fighting me were pt on full display with things like: you looked at that girl's tits, you looked at another one's, you want it, you are doing it wrong, you re clicking all over, you want this, you ruined things, you looked at an escort site, you scrolled a little and saw some naked girls, you already fucked up, PMO! ( I gave a friend this escort site to choose a girl from there )

    I gave the middle finger to it. But it wasn't easy. Lots of craziness through my head passing. HOCD thoughts in real life. Though im thoroughly disgusted by them. My brain is basically going insane after 2 weeks without his drug. He's like a child that is throwing all kinds of tantrums and shenanigans just that i give him his PMO fix. Nope buddy sorry. Deal with it :))

    Even now when i came home and i did not have succes with girls i felt like it. Basically i need to learn how to live... How to behave while being surrounded by pictures of women, by learning how to behave when i want sex, going out to meet girls, facing the fears to approach them. If i dont then i come home and no sex no girls no nothing. No pmo to quick fix it... I am basically a spoiled brat that remained withouth its virtual "riches" , i am now poor and need to learn how to behave act and get my own "money" in the real world...

    We'll keep on going. Day 15 comes and i will crush it with impudent strength as i have done until now!
     

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