Redemption from hell

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by sesshomaruinuyasha, May 11, 2013.

  1. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Hey dude sorry to hear about your relapse. But try to stay positive and look forwards to the future which could be a bright one. It's all in your hands. The small decisions you make today will have profound impact on the kind of person you will become. Stay strong.
     
  2. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I know guys... It's horrible... Once again I cannot stop... When I started my current streak, my mom would come in a week home. And she lived with me until the past week... I have to say that it's far far easier when i have someone around me... Not because I can't do it or something like that... But my depression and addictive behaviours far lower themselves when for example my mother is home and i have companionship... When she left I felt pretty bad... It's like i knew that it will be like this... When i am alone it's quite horrible... I was thinking to get a cat for the past week... When i have companionship i am normal... When i don't that when the thoughts and feelings highly escalate and i feel far more anxiety, depression, and addictive behaviours... Somebody help me please!....
     
  3. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I don't even know where to start and where to end... I am realising that I also have depression... And that if i am alone it's horrible... 1 week alone and i have relapsed... Meanwhile when i had somebody next to me it was so easy... Too easy... Damn... whenever it's too easy something is awaiting down the alley...
    I have so many mental health issues... I wish that i could take a pill, or 2 pills, or how many fucking pills it's needed and i will heal and would all go away... But they don't exist... I am stuck here with the demons... That never leave me alone... Never... FUCK THEM! FUCK ME! FUCK EVERYTHING! FUCK THE WORLD!

    I want to heal... I want to get out... I am tired of all of this... I do not want it anymore... I want to be ok. I want to be healed. I want to be able to experience enjoy life as I should as a normal man... Why me? Why it was needed of me to be born broken like this?... Fuck my brain and all of its issues... I want to get the fuck out once...
    When i am alone it feels like the world is too big too harsh, like i do not want to do anything, like nothing is fun like fuck everything...
    When i am with somebody it feels like actually the world is an ok place and i can nicely live in it... But i cannot depend on people all of my life... What the fuck is happening to this fucking broken stupid brain? When will it ever leave me alone? Suicide can't be the only option to get out... It can't... I have done so many great things and so much progress over the years... I can do it... I can heal... Fuck the addiction... What about the anxiety and depression caused by living life alone and by myself?.... What about them? Now i do not only have Porn addiction, Internet addiction, Sugar addiction, OCD, and fear of people from my childhood and adolescence bullying? Now I also have Depression and Anxiety in this fucking cocktail? Dude, does somebody want to kill me or what? How can all of these just come into me and my brain and destroy me from the inside? How? How? How?...
     
  4. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Hey man are you seeing a doctor? If not, then I suggest you do that. It's no shame to have mental issues. And there's nothing wrong in asking for help.
     
  5. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    No, I am not... I am pretty sure that in this piss poor country the psychiatry system totally sucks even now in 2017... In fact I am not pretty sure, I am 100% sure...
     
  6. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Day 1 starts!
     
  7. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Hey man, how are you? I hope you're doing fine.

    I see you're struggling with depression... I've been on that boat not long ago, still am sometimes. It's a daily fight to keep the ghost of depression away after you shake it off.

    Someone mentioned seeing a doctor, I think that would be a good idea even if the doctors in your area aren't all that great. I used to see a shrink, took medications... it helped me immensely. Then I did some personal effort to change my routine and not fall back into my depressing habits like staying home alone all day, etc.

    Anyway, fighting depressiong is hard but it's definetely possible, 100%. You just gotta take action, whatever it means.
     
  8. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    This is it. The final battle. I am at my lowest, addiction related. I have managed to circumvent my pc's blockers. I have pretty much access to porn. I am alone and live by myself for at least 3 weeks. And then a full unprotected pc will come into my house along with my mom. Surprisingly but my penis and arousal works quite well even after all these relapses... So i do not have a full urgency to stop using... I have hundreds of girls on facebook requesting my friendship, a lot of them from my town too... So girls are never ending... I am not losing them after all right? The girl that i wanted didn t answer back for some time... I feel more insane than ever... Like literally taking a piece of candy brings me to relapse. I am not myself anymore. Everything that i do seems wrong. Everything in my life seems wrong. Relapsing seems great. I know that it is not like that, i am just telling you what my brain feels and sees.

    Practically its like im under mind control. I have no more bad feelings abut porn, relapsing, nothing. I am just doing it no matter what. I have no more bad feelings about wasting my life, about the years lost... about the cognitive functions that i am losing while i am being enslaved... I am literally under mind control. I needed to write this cause otherwise it would have been impossible for me to form coherent thoughts in my head... I am absolutely literally insane and under mind control.

    As i have said i am at my lowest. I threw my pc cable and started to masturbate on my phone at small pictures over the internet. Absolute lowest in terms of addiction. Not even close. It was far easier when I started. This is the final battle. I win this, i win them all. I just need to continue to not search for sex things pretty much and i am set for life. For life. I lose this, i lose them all... There is no such thing as do it later. I did it later since i was 19 and i am close to 25. I have moved through 2 categories on this website from the first -19, to 20-24 and now close to 25-34...

    So we win and win forever or we lose and we lose forever. How do i know that it's the final battle? Simple. Because it is the hardest. By far. Everything, every aspect is making it the hardest moment addiction related in my battle until now. So... if it is the hardest... It means i got to the end. Final battle. Battle for my life. And for my universe. Everything is at stake. Even the life of others are... I am coherent enough now but soon i will lose my sanity.... But the battle started and i am winning this. We win or we die there is no inbetween.

    Thanks Cid for chiming in. This is where i am now. Hope that you are good. I will be for sure!
     
  9. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Starting again. 90 days until i am 25 years old. Just refused a girl for sex today to masturbate at some pictures of sex found on the internet. But i do not fucking give up. NEVER!
     
  10. Wolfwise23

    Wolfwise23 New Member

    Hey man I've read your posts and they all hit me to the core. I'm 23 and I can't even remember anything significant in my life from years I have been fapping. I want you to know that we are all here to support you like any wounded brother in a battlefield. We're all wounded soldiers trying to help one another afterall.
     
  11. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

  12. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I have self destructed with this... So i can rebirth myself again! We start day 1
     
  13. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Day 1 starts.
     
  14. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    I felt quite a lot of pressure. Yesterday I relapsed and after that I talked with my friend who has my blocker password. He unlocked everything. Tube sites. I had them for some time. I thought that i would want them non stop. But funnily enough i only wanted them for a few hours. In 2 hours max i was not interested in anything anymore. 0. I knew then that this is the end. It coincided with my man Goku getting a new form. And that episode hyped me up like there s no tomorrow. Also a hot 17 year old added me on facebook. It was like it was a sign. End with the screen! End with the screen! She replaced another 17 year old that i dated once these days that i wanted quite bad...

    I had no idea that it was she. I thought it s fake profile. But i gave her a video call and damn she was. After that she wanted to see me too and i saw her better. A little fatter and quite a little trashy lol but isnt this what i want? And after all who cares? It was just a sign. Just an example. I m not marrying her.

    After that i called my friend and he once again blocked everything. Finally. After that i had once again some anxiety that somehow someway i did something wrong. But i didnt. After that for an hour and something i moved around the house non stop thinking... Thinking about this big problem. Thinking about how i was born in the wrong age, in the wrong situation, and sadly from this point of view, from the wrong parents... Thinking how this masturbating to a screen brought me here. How it took away years and years of my life. All of my adult life. From 19 years old until now it was all about this fight. That was my objective to live. Some success... some not... But i am close to 25 years old. 25 Years old. Who would have thought that we would get here with this still under my skin. Actually worse than ever.

    I realised that it is the end. It must have an end. This period needs to end right here right now and this is my birthday present for my 25th aniversary. I thought about the weeks left. There are 12 weeks until the end of the year. Then i thought if its better to count the days or not. I felt that its better to not count them. After that i felt that it is better to count them. I went to sleep. After that i woke up in the middle of the night a few times. Feeling pressure. Feeling scared that i would relapse. It was like the ultra strong state that i was in faded. After that i hold myself strong and fell again to sleep. Now i awakened again. It is better. I do not feel that pressure anymore. Yesterday was the prologue. Basically this is my first day free from masturbating to screens. And i intend to keep it that way for the rest of my life.
    I feel more relieved to write this here. I will continue this day then go to the next.
     
  15. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    5 mins after i wrote this post. Not even 5 minutes. And im feeling pressure once again. Its like there is something on me that is crushing me... Its like the optimism that i am starting day by day and defeating this thing is gone... Its like there is only pressure right now... pressure and like i am even forgetting where am i ... did i do something wrong... but i prepared for this. It makes me feel like i did something wrong in order to relapse... No no no no... Not today not this time. This time we are ending this forever. It is just an illusion. I did not masturbate to a screen since yesterday. So everything is ok. I think i will try to not think about days or anything like that a little... Just to let this go by itself.
     
  16. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

  17. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

  18. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

  19. Lovethyself

    Lovethyself New Member

    Hello sir, I just joined this forum today and yours is the first diary I clicked on. I just want to commend you for your continued fighting spirit over these past few years and for your God given resilience. Fight on!

    -Lovethyself
     
  20. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Thank you. Your words were very kind. Let that motivate you and crush your goals!!
    End of day 4. Things are better than ever. Girls, life and so on!
     

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