Redemption from hell

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by sesshomaruinuyasha, May 11, 2013.

  1. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Hello to all of you ! My name is Eddie and i am a big time lurker around here. The reason why i decided to finally post here and start a journal is because today is the darkest day of my entire life.
    Yeah , encouraging i know. I just put myself into bed right now , and tried to sleep to end this day but to no avail. I cannot sleep for the love of god and i feel so terribly sorry for what happened today. This idea got through my mind , that maybe i should finally start posting here regularly , i don't know it seemed like something that would help to bring me up from the hell that i am in. Sorry if i am a little incoherent but i am feeling absolutely destroyed so i may be rambling quite a bit.

    Ok , to start : Like all of you , found porn at a young age. Actually i have masturbated since i was a kid , in the beginning prone masturbation , then normal one. Got to tell you that these things happened at a very early age , 5 or 6 years old. I can clearly remember being VERY sexual my entire life. I have always been sexually attracted to women , even to my old lady neighbours LOL . So , at 13 i got an internet connection. And it started.

    I can clearly remember , it was a sexy picture of Shakira. A classmate of mine told me that there were nude pictures with her on the internet and all the shit. OH MAN !
    The darkest road of my life began. The demon got a hold of me. All through high school i was an insecure , bullied skinny kid. Now that i look back i also realize that this thing had something to do with it. Been PMO'ing several times a day since 13 years old. Interestingly enough i changed , got to kickboxing and fitness. I found my passion. The tables turned so i finished high school being THE MAN : the one with muscles who women wanted to be with and men envied. No more bulling. I was a normal man or so i thought. Fast forward to my first sexual experience at 19 years old. I wanked before , because i wanted to last longer in bed. Hm , what a dream.

    Nothing happened. I also tried without condom , but just some mild erections. Tried more times , nothing. One time i got a good enough erection and had successfull sex but that was it. Kissing my girl , licking her , absolutely nothing. Of course she left me.

    Then , a month after in february 2012 my fight started. I found about YBOP, and started to fight back. Most that i realized was 30 days ,then relapsed. The whole year went like that UNTIL i deleted my browsers in october. 72 days PMO free. Well after a friend of mine gave me a browser because i needed to work with it ( actually we did this multiple times but i deleted it immediately after) i relapsed. Felt like shit. Felt like the whole world crumbled on me. After more fighting and more relapses , and innumerable girls lost , my mom moved with me for a period of time , i needed to install the browsers. Of course i relapsed again. But on March 13th 2013 this time , something clicked. I saw the girl that i fall in love with but couldn't be with her appear in the newspapers. Now she was a successful singer. It triggered something in me. I said i want to kill this demon , never again to influence my life. 60 days passed , with internet in my house , being on the internet 24/7. I handled it no problem. Nothing triggered me anymore.

    Fast forward today 11 may , actually 12 now that i am writing this. Some guy on the street greeted me but i had something against him , just barely knew , practically a stupid thing. I know a pretty retarded thing but when you are as fucked up in the head as i am thinking that everyone is your enemy and that you need to fight against anyone it affects you. I was pissed , was on some PE Gym forum to find out if masturbation can increase your penis size. , because i swear after 60 days i seem smaller erect than before. I found a topic with female masturbation , some thoughts raced thorugh my head and i DO NOT KNOW WHY but this time , after all these days , after nothing at all could trigger me , THIS TIME i said fuck it. Just got to a porn site and PMO'd. After that , hell insued. I crashed to the floor crying , i literally would have killed myself if i could. It was horrible , but got myself up. Guess what now the chaser effect big time. Did it again , then once again 15 minutes ago. Tried to go to sleep but i cannot for the love of god.

    HOW COULD I DO SUCH A THING ? I AM SO DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. I am thinking that it's a nightmare. It was so beautiful yesterday , i fought and was beating porn no problem , now i just needed to wait until my porn ed completely healed. I had some morning wood , some erections but i knew that i was FAR from being rebooted.
    But now , it seems that i am in hell. I am wondering if i will ever get out of this thing. If i can ever beat this thing. I SO WANT TO RETURN TO YESTERDAY. SO WANT TO FORGET TODAY. But it seems like hell , seems like everything just went to hell. I have so many girls that i could be with. I dissapointed them , i dissapointed me , i dissapointed anyone. As i am now writing this i feel far better. From now on i will keep a log and i will update it daily i hope, with a counter too . NO MORE. I was so close and i want it back. I WANT EVERYTHING BACK AND I AM GOING TO GET IT. IT IS THE LAST TIME PORN KNOCKED ME DOWN. NO MATTER WHAT FROM NOW ON I AM DEFEATING HIM, I AM GOING BACK TO THE TIME PERIOD BETWEEN MARCH AND YESTEDAY. i promise you all that i am going to beat it , i make a commitment in front of you all. I will try to help any of you with any questions that i can answer. Just thank you if you listened to these ramblings of a crazy man. DAY 1 STARTS NOW
  2. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey man, sounds tough, I've been there. The important thing to remember is that you're still in the game, you haven't lost all the good work you did before the relapse. If this negative experience is giving you enough kick to want to beat porn even more, then so much the better. You might want to look at my blog, I'm still in the middle of all this shit too. I've just written something about the difference between sex-desire and porn-desire, might be helpful. Good luck, bro! You can do it!
  3. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Thanks for the kind words. I have already written in your journal that i completely agree with you . Porn is just a drug who RESEMBLES women but it isn't.
    It's just a bunch of pixels , that is all , who is trying to lie and defeat you with his illusionary act. Stay strong , we are all in this thing !
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    "Just pixels", so true.
  5. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    I can relate to everything you said. Also i know what its like not getting it up with girls and feeling nothing with them.

    Over the course of the year you constantly relapsed did you notice any benefits? Did you try again to be with girls?

    Whats your general sex drive/libido like when you remove porn for a few weeks?
  6. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Wow gameover , thanks for coming here to my journal ! I can definitely appreciate your input , i have followed your journal for the last weeks and your posts.
    First thing that i wanna say is WOW , i can't believe that we fell at almost the same time. I SAW PMO'D 1 HOUR AGO and i literally couldn't believe it. You were on the right track man , just like me , 50 + days no PMO ( i count no pmo as no porn , no masturbation , no orgasm). Sad that it started with that orgasm and then with this.

    No matter what i believe in you going back to the road of redemption just like me. Now i know that you were kind of doubtful of the rebooting process in the last period of time , so i hope that my personal experiences can help you gain more confidence in this and beat the drug that has plagued most of our lives.

    YES ! I have seen many many benefits ! First the ED , because that's why we are here in the first place. The longer that i abstained , the better my morning wood and spontaneous erections were. I will talk about my latest reboot , one that i am considering to be continuing even right now. First 30 days were linear , better and better each time. I woke up every morning with a pretty hard erection , but i also knew that this wasn't a 100 percent one and i have far more healing to be done.
    Strangely enough , after the first 30 days it started to go downhill. If it wasn't for you guys i would have said that this doesn't work . But i realized that i got in a flatline.

    No morning wood , no nothing. After probably day 55 ,IE: In the last couple of days , everything started to get back to normal , morning wood ,and spontaneous erections too. Just yesterday , BEFORE RELAPSING , i was in a supermarket and i have just seen a girl , not too pretty , but just my type , small , curvy and with big boobs. I wasn't even close to her and i got a pretty good hard on. The when i relapsed , it was the first time that i relapsed with a pretty 80-90 % erection even before touching. Also , i work as a fitness trainer so i get to touch a lot of girls LOL. Many spontaneous erections when i wasn't in flatline.

    I never tried to be with girls and believe me , this was the worst part for me. I have so many girls that i literally put into the friendzone because i knew that i couldn't to anything with them. JUST TO CLARIFY : For me , if i am not 100% as a normal human being in terms of erection , it isn't even worth it. Yeah , i could have sex with a lot of girls but NOT the normal , ED free sex of a normal 20 years old guy. I literally felt yesterday at day 60 that to be completely rebooted , i would need at least double the days per minumum.

    Sex drive , i always want women , it has been great since i was a kid , problem is if my penis responds or not. Also, a few days ago a girl flirted massively with me in the metro. Guess what , a little erection happened. If i would have communicated with her too , it would have been even greater. Sorry for the long rant , but please believe me that this thing REALLY WORKS , you just need to put the time ABSOLUTELY PMO FREE , and we can all win this thing. As i am writing now, i feel the powers before yesterday , THE ONES that made me destroy every single porn thought even with heavy triggers such as a picture of a nude big titted woman getting oral (my favorite) and such things. I THOROUGHLY believe that you can regain this power too , after all , you've did something close to me in the last period.

    PS: Forgot to tell , for anyone out there , me being a fitness trainer , if i can help any of you i will gladly answer all of your fitness/health related question the best that i can. Now i need to study , because i am changing gyms and need to pass a huge exam. Stay strong my friend , we will defeat it !!!
  7. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Ok , the first day didn't even pass and i pmo'd. I am in that period when after an abstinence , you relapse. And then you're like , what the hell , one bit , one bit , even one bit. Look how cool is that , look how cool is this. The drug thinks that he has me figured out , but no way in hell i am returning to old me.
    These 2 months have shown me far too much , so guess what. I am pulling my old ace . I will delete my browsers , at least temporary for the beginning so i can go back to where i was yesterday , the IT'S NOT AN OPTION MINDSET. Now when i did it that close , drug is telling me , yeah it's an option it works.
    Even as i am writing , it gives me urges to go and fing pictures, videos of what i like , hd ones . But i got his ass , i am getting back to the old me , willingly OR FORCEFULLY.
    Sadly it needs to be forcefully and i am pretty sorry that i won;t be posting anymore. At least not for some time , but don't worry , you will see me around here when i am posting the succes story. Thanks for all !
  8. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    The first days are hell. Your addiction still has its claws in you, and you can go from the heights of confidence to howling cravings in 15 minutes.

    I applaud you for adopting an "It's not an option" mindset. I feel that this is what separates long-term rebooters from newbies.

    As you break away, be mindful of when and where relapses occur. We are creatures of habit, and porn is often embedded into our routines. Identifying when and where you relapse will allow you to reshape your routine to prevent slips. Always relapse early in the morning in bed? You can start putting your computer far away at the end of the night, and make a habit of morning meditation instead. You get the idea.

    Good luck on your journey. The road is long and difficult, but that's how we know it's worth it.
  9. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    well guess what , in fact i will be around here quite often. i am using my phone to browse ( no worries guys it's a wreck of a phone , it doesn't support flash, it can barely go on facebook)

    luckily i can use it to still come here , post , basic internet things . well just substract a day from the counter and it's legit ( i cannot do it on the phone).

    thanks for the reply , i needed this because i felt on a collision course with a train. i am feeling far better now without real internet.
  10. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    i reached the mobile limit in that message.

    what i would add is that the journal is still ON !
  11. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    I know the feeling of not acting upon girls because of the fear of ED. It just sucks.. But it's great that you believe you will make progress with your reboot. Best of luck!!
  12. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Thanks for your kind words. I have followed your journal and they definitely mean something to me ! dont worry , we'll all cross the finish line !
  13. fugu

    fugu "You know, feelin' good, livin' betta." :) Staff Member

    Awesome to have you here man. Once you get in "the zone" I'm sure you'll start a huge streak and won't even think about porn anymore - I know that's what happened to me!
  14. SinkingSailor

    SinkingSailor New Member

    Hey man, welcome to the forum. If I would suggest anything to you it would be to avoid what I do wrong. Stay away from screens around bed time (no comp. or netflix) and read a book instead. Also, if you have gone clean for a good time (like 72 days) and then slip, it's not like you completely reset your progress. It's like making it a bump in the road vs a sink hole. Which is advice I need to take because usually if my day number is low, then I feel like I don't have much to lose, but that's not really how this works. So keep posting and I'll keep reading!
  15. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Thanks guys for your kind responses. Exactly , fugu , exactly i have been " in the zone" prior to yesterday.

    Not even remaining jobless or seeing a nude big breasted woman getting oral (even though the pic had no vagina in it , it was still one of my favorites) triggered me. I definitely thought that i could voluntarily go on a porn site and still woldn't be affected.
    I really am so disappinted and humbled by this experience. Your words are definitely making me feel better.
  16. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Wanting to get that " in the zone " feeling is the reason why i deleted my browsers.
    I feel that i just needto clear my mind with no porn options around me for a while and i will get back to that indestructible feeling towards which i worked so much in these last 60 days.
  17. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Ok so here we go. I guess i should call this day 1. U sually i don't count days but in order to organize this journal i will.

    I still cannot believe what happened , i am having just an overall very bad feeling. I feel very dissapointed , like everything just went to drain. Also , all the girls that i lied that my mom is staying with me for one more month. I am very emotional and feel that i have dissapointed them too.
  18. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Most of all it pisses me off the fact that i needed to delete my browsers in order to get back on track , like i lost my ability to say no , the most important thing gained in this process. I feel that if i would have internet i would relapse and is driving me crazy.

  19. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Sorry for the multiple messages but the mobile keeps cutting me off.
    Had some morning wood , dick was pretty sensitive in the day so i needed a pair of underwear in order to not get hard and distract me from studying. Also balls were full and big. Maybe its a sign that i didnt delete too much of my progress
  20. sesshomaruinuyasha

    sesshomaruinuyasha Destroy the drug and get your life back !

    Something awesome just happened. Talked on facebook chat with one of my idols , fitness model cross thompson. i have watched his vid of bouncing back from injury and told him about what im experiencing. he encouraged me to defeat this thing and im finally feeling like getting back to old me.

    I've told him that i will write him a message when ill finish

Share This Page