Recovery Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Shield of Valoran, Sep 17, 2020.

  1. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    It is like waves. There are waves when you are so into what you are doing that any thoughts about PMO fells like distractions and are irritable. Literally, at these times such thoughts pale and week. And there are other waves. Completely opposite. I am glad that you are at the right wave right now.
  2. Hey gang.

    It's been a while, I know.

    I did have a large streak since the last time I was here, but I stopped coming online and checking this forum regularly as I began online dating. And I have to say, it was a good and bad thing. Initially, I was meeting that need to go out and meet other people. But then it digressed into hooking up and that replaced pornography, and I wasn't very happy. I still felt the same way as a relapse.

    So I'm back onto my strictness with resetting myself. I've put the dating apps to a restricted time so that way I just use them as a messaging tool, and all other filters are back in place.

    Life is as per normal. I'll come back here again. I just needed to get out of a rut a bit. Hope you're all doing well.

    Kind regards,
    Deleted User likes this.
  3. Hey guys.

    The past month has been one big rut, but I'm determined to make my way out of it by realigning myself with who I know I can be.

    It's a process, and I've fallen off the bandwagon.

    I think it started when I thought I could get back on to the dating scene, which lead to me pursuing people and sex in unhealthy ways. I noticed that at some point dates were just preludes to sexual encounters, which was my main motivation for them, and I realized that's not what I initially wanted to do it for. Before I knew it, I was checking dating apps constantly to find who matched with me, who tapped me, etc. and it became an obsessive way I lost control of what I needed, which was to heal and recover. I thought I'd be okay to pursue online dating while I was rebooting, but I don't think that's true. At least not right now, where it's a slippery slope. I'd like to re-engage with these apps at a later stage when I know I'm ready.

    In the mean time, my first goal is to fix my sleeping pattern again, which has been horrible because of the dating and late night meets, and also my fitness, which I've let fall to the wayside.

    I've been a little bit anxious because of family, and uni is starting back up again soon, and even though it's my last semester, I'm concerned because I like the freedom I have right now and I'll be sad to lose it for the following 4 months.

    I'm also looking to move out which has been difficult in my part of the world as people are returning home due to the pandemic.

    I'm going to come back again tomorrow and post my challenges for the day, what went well, and what I plan to do tomorrow.

    Tomorrow, I want to wake up early, go for a run, clean up my room, and pack to house sit at my friend's place, as well as hopefully finish editing my next Youtube video.

    Hope you're all doing well.

    Kind regards,
    R3balance, chrism and Krebs like this.
  4. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Stay strong Mate!
  5. Hey everyone.

    It's been a month since my last post. A lot has happened.

    I've moved out of my family home. It's been a big transition, but one I was ready for in a big way. I felt myself shift from a self who felt so anxious and incapable of dealing with life, to a galvanized version who felt invigorated to make something important with it. It dominated such a large part of my brain. Physically, mentally, spiritually, I had to move. Sorting through so many old memories and belongings, I realized that a lot of my belongings were held only for sentimental reasons, and that sentimentality was just another symptom of feeling incapable of feeling special or wonderful. It dawned on me pretty quickly that all of my material possessions were just ways I held onto the past as if I'd never be able to have good times again. And so I released a lot of those feelings by donating them away. I gave up at least sixty percent of all of my clothing, books, furniture. I'm more conscious of what I take and what I hold onto.

    A life filled with purpose, love and fun, is how I want to make meaning of this life, and to connect it back to this journey of abstinence, all of us are driven to build something amazing with our lives, which is why we come here, to 'reset'. We reach this point where we identify that we don't want to live a life caught enslaved by our vices, and I think you can't first release yourself from those grips if you're not first letting go of the past in a compassionate way. I'll always love the person I was, even if I was once so scared I would never amount to anything so I picked a 'safe' route with my career, with my life. In small, meaningful ways, I claim back my agency and become the person I want to be, and moving out was a big step in the right direction.

    I know this must be true because PMO hardly occurs to me. I don't obsess as much over people, memories, whatever.

    It feels weird, boring, difficult, and I have to embrace all of that. Sometimes I wake up and I think 'is this it?' and I shake my head and remember how grateful I should be to have anything at all, to have my dreams and my goals and that I take steps forward every day. This is all I have. I must never be hard on myself for that, or for the difficulty of it all. I still have fear and I'm glad I have it, because it means what I want is worth having.

    I've been on multiple dates over the past month. The more time I spend in my new home, the more accustomed I grow to being on my own, to pursuing my own hobbies (did I mention I'm still playing guitar, that is going very well, by the way!) and interests. I think sometimes that love, dating, relationships, aren't as exciting as I once thought they were? But perhaps this is the flatline everyone has told me to be weary of? I've been meeting lots of new people. I competed in a sporting competition and ranked top 3, meaning I made the podium. I'm very proud of that. :)

    Making Youtube videos has been put on the backburner because I'm still struggling with creating content I enjoy watching, and looking back at those videos, they seem so rushed. That's definitely something I want to work on once uni is over.

    As for habits, I've been waking up early, focusing on getting to bed. Journaling daily, trying to meditate as often as I can, which is not as often as I'd like it to be.

    I'm still of the school of thought that if you fix your mind all the bad habits will unravel in time, and I'm experiencing that to be true the deeper I go. At this point, this journal serves more as a repository for how I'm becoming the person I want to be. I hope that excites you all as much as it does me.

    Stay strong, and thanks for reading.

    Kind regards,
    R3balance, TrueDat and Krebs like this.
  6. ComebackKid77

    ComebackKid77 Member

    Hey man! I don't know if you remember me from before, I used to be capman77 and we messaged a bit before. I just started my blog again as a way to re-boot my journey out of addiction and just thought I'd check in again with you and how you're doing. It seems like you've had a mixed time of it overall, but keep on focusing on what you want to achieve and not on the thought of 'PMOing' and I'm sure you'll get it. Hopefully you not posting recently is a sign that you're focused on other things, achieving your goals, and fulfilling the kind of life you want to lead! Stay strong man!
    P.S. I enjoyed your Youtube videos!
  7. Hey everyone.

    I'm back. I told myself I'd come back to commit to writing in this journal daily, so I'm posting here mainly as a reminder to myself and to restart the habit. I think I need the support of reading about the shared experience of overcoming all the troubles that lead me to P addiction. It's hard and I have the best understanding on it than I ever had before. I find it hard to stick to the systems in place that kept me steadfast in the weeks prior to this point.

    So far, the only thing I've been able to commit to daily is meditation, which helps me understand the source of my feelings of anxiety and how my mind goes down different paths which take me away from where I need to go. A big reason I end up going down PMO is because I've both found out how to quickly disable the blockers on my phone (this is frustrating, before I'd known how to do this I was pretty secure), and because I don't want to do the task that I set out to do (procrastination, frustration with having to do the task). I'm still working through those problems. I've been able to rewrite old habits like PMOing in the morning and evening, which seems like such a long time ago, but now I need to overcome the difficulty of using it as a coping mechanism.

    How do you guys deal with it? I've been going for walks around my block but I feel like that only exacerbates the issue that I haven't started the task I needed to get done. I guess it's something I need to keep working on.

    I hope you're all doing well. Stay strong, and thanks for reading, as always.

    Kind regards,
  8. Hey everyone!

    Yesterday was good. I was out mostly, spending time with friends, so it wasn't really a struggle dealing with PMO at all. There was some dip in my mood towards the end of the day, and I'd attribute that mainly to seeing a friend who I'd asked out and he turned me down. That's life. All I can really do is handle my feelings after the fact and I still maintain a great friendship with that guy.

    It just reminds me that the whole reason I'm doing all of this is make myself better to meet someone who deserves it and wants that from me, too. I try hard not to be cynical about meeting someone. A few weeks ago, when I was feeling really low (right after me asking the guy out from above, actually), I became painfully aware of the difficulty of meeting someone you really connect with. I maintain that I'm a pretty open and vulnerable person, as you can all probably guess reading this journal. And it's made my life richer overall, even if it can be painful to be seen by someone who doesn't want the best for you. From all the people I've met, I've been able to connect really well with people because of the vulnerability, but there's a special timing that comes from being attracted to someone and having those feelings reciprocated that is rare and difficult to create, especially because it's a personal alchemy that requires two people. My expectations of love aren't even that grand. I want love to be comfortable and simple.

    I used to wake up really early after I moved in, and I've been trying to get back to that, because I liked having those hours to myself. My roommate isn't always home because she visits home frequently. Having a roommate has definitely been my first real lesson in learning to love again and again. I think I get better at understanding people and what makes them safe, if through nobody else but by understanding that consciously living with another person. I feel like over these last four months I've contributed well to making this place safe for the both of us.

    Anyways, I forgot how much I tended to ramble in these. I always wondered if any of you actually read it all. Either way, I find a lot of joy in simply writing, and I can honestly say I like doing this for myself alone, if no one ever reads these at all. But I'll try to summarize my day yesterday as best as I can like I mentioned earlier in this journal: what was difficult, what went well, what I'd like to improve, and what I'd like to do more of.

    What was difficult:

    Waking up at 5am is still tricky.
    I was drowsy, and I was laying in my bed a lot, but I had enough willpower not to rely on PMO.
    I stayed out late, and drank alcohol.

    What went well:
    I felt mostly well rested. I've not been relying on an alarm to wake up, and my mood is definitely better when I wake up naturally from the sunlight in my room. I attribute this to getting at least 7 hours of sleep. I find if I get 7 and a half, I'm good for the entire day.
    I recognized in the middle of the day I was tired and that I needed to either meditate or nap. I chose to nap, instead of scrolling through my phone. I'm consciously aware now that whenever I begin scrolling through my phone, it's because I'm too tired, or overwhelmed by the task I need to do.
    I was really present with my friends when we were hanging out. I was curious about their lives, as I always am, and felt like I was really catching up with them.
    I also called my Dad back, and caught up with him.

    What I'd like to improve:
    Recognize that my Dad calling me is a bid for my attention, and he doesn't know his love language is quality time, and that really he wants to spend time with me, even if I feel like it's not time used wisely. Time showing my Dad I love him will always be valuable, so I should visit him, even if our conversation isn't like the ones I have with my friends.
    There's an alarm app, Alarmy, which requires users to take a photo of something after the alarm goes off, otherwise the alarm will continue going off. I was using this before when I was waking up at 5am and it worked really well. I've turned it back on so hopefully I'll get back to my 5am starts. I was definitely more productive when I was waking up so early.
    There's clearly a lot emotionally on my mind, and I have a good support network I can rely on to talk about how I'm feeling. I know this is really important to maintaining my mental health, and even after journaling now, I feel like I'd still like to hash it out with someone, to feel like I'm not alone.
    I'd like to be firmer in saying no. I do get swept up in enjoying a moment with friends, which is why I can justify drinking, but alcohol really does make me moodier than I need to be, and I don't like that enough to continue drinking.
    I'd like to start properly time-scheduling my days. I've always struggled with time management, even if it's constructing a to-do list of things I absolutely must get done.

    What I'd like to do more of:
    As soon as I feel tired, just go for a nap, or relax. Get off my phone more. I think I let myself get drained too much by what's going on anywhere.
    I'd like to do more reading. I read a lot yesterday, and the day before.
    I think if I'm tired, as well, I meditate twice in a single day. At the moment, I do it as soon as I wake up, but I feel incredibly refreshed each time I do it.
    Continue going for long walks. I try to do at least 5km a day, as a minimum.

    As always, thanks for reading everyone. Stay strong.

    Kind regards,
  9. Hey everyone.

    Yesterday was better in terms of establishing a better morning routine. I was able to successfully wake up at 5am, which was difficult. I held true to using Alarmy and begrudgingly got out of bed. It's Winter in Australia, and climate change has made it our coldest yet. I put on thermals almost every day and two layers of socks. It's nice, though. I prefer layering up because I get to wear all my winter clothes and jumpers.

    I didn't have any real urges yesterday, and I was out and about, trying to stay away from my bedroom and only using it as a space for sleep and getting changed. I relapse exclusively in the bedroom so I just make sure I keep myself busy and away from it until then. I have a separate study I keep all of my gadgets to do work from, so that helps a lot.

    What was difficult:

    After the 5am wakeup, getting into the next task, which I'd like to be meditation.
    Getting my work started.
    I didn't keep strict on my bed time and went to bed at 12, and then woke up this morning at 5.

    What went well:
    I was able to get up do my morning activities: meditate, journal, check up on my friends.
    I tried organizing a hangout with friends and instead cancelled those plans, only for one of them to host the night at his, which was much better for me. I was glad I was able to recognize I wanted to socialize and still found a way to make that work for me (not hosting, but attending something instead).
    I still managed to exercise even though it was my third day in a row and my shoulder is physically sore from hard bouldering.

    What I'd like to improve:
    I'd like to make a concerted effort to break down a large task into smaller ones in order to accomplish it. I think I procrastinate because I get overwhelmed a lot, and that leads me on a slippery slope of social media binging, then eventually PMO. It also generally means I'll get more done.
    After waking up early, I spent some time just phased out, because I was still groggy. I know if I move quickly after waking up and turn on lights, I'll be more alert and able to get a move on to the next task. At the moment, I'd like it to be more streamlined from waking up at 5am, brush teeth, get changed, drink water, meditate, journal, and then plan my day.
    Following what I said yesterday, I was able to open up to my friend when something was tough, but it was the same issue that I've had in the past and I think I've reached a point where it exhausts me more to talk about it. I haven't yet struck the balance between reaching out to people so I feel less alone and moaning over the same topic. I think perhaps what makes me feel less guilty is what I'm doing to fix the issue I'm upset about. So maybe for me I'd like to be more proactive in resolving my problems so that way I feel more valid in my frustrations.
    I still haven't started doing a to-do list or time blocking my days. I think my issue is I haven't tried a consistent system for it? I'll look one up tonight and give it a go for tomorrow.

    What I'd like to do more of:
    Today I listened to my body when it was hungry and ate, and caught myself looking through the fridge out of boredom and not because I was actually hungry. I think eating when bored is an unhealthy habit and I was happy I could observe my thoughts so clearly.
    I've been consistent in keeping up the benchmark of reading 50 pages per day. I'm reading One Hundred Years of Solitude currently. It's very dense and bizarre. I enjoy it, but I have to focus because if my mind wanders for even a moment I find I'm derailed on understanding what's going on. Some books are more reader friendly and I find this one isn't. But it does have lots of marvellous moments I've enjoyed reading through.

    I'm pretty stoked I've been able to come back to this so consistently. How have you guys been? I haven't had a big chance to read through some journals, but I hope to tomorrow. Maybe I'll time-block it in ;)

    Thanks for reading, guys.

    Kind regards,
    Krebs likes this.
  10. Hey everyone.

    Resetting the counter again for today because last night I caved. I was struggling really hard to sleep, so one thing lead to another... First thing I did this morning was go out and buy an alarm clock. All I need to do is reset it each night. My plan is to switch off my phone around the time I go to bed and put it far away from my bedroom, along with my other digital gadgets. I tested out the clock this morning and it works perfectly well.

    What I'd like to report on: the reason I was staying up late was because I was getting really anxious about this guy I asked out who turned me down. Trying to stay his friend is really difficult so I'm going to ask for some space for a while so I can heal what's going on in my head.

    What was difficult:

    I was able to get up early like I've been trying to but I was incredibly sluggish.
    I'm still not keeping strict to my bedtime schedule.
    I wasn't able to focus on reading for longer than 5 pages so I gave up. Previously I've been able to read well into the hours of the night which helps me relax (around 30-50 pages, give or take).

    What went well:
    I got up and got started on my morning routine, but my energy was really low.
    I did a workout, which is a start. I haven't been consistent with training but I'd like to build it up again slowly.
    I did some editing and scheduled some of my week using my weekly whiteboard planner.

    What I'd like to improve:
    I think to start my time management process I have a morning/night routine and then manage my day with a list. I think I work this way better than I would scheduling my time in blocks.
    I would like to snack less. I was boredom eating so much and I feel a little guilty with how much garbage I ate.
    I was able to start editing a video because I told myself, in really simple terms, all I would do is open the program and edit a minute of it. A minute became 5, then became the whole video. It really is about reducing my resistance to starting, which feels almost like a productivity hack. Being cognizant of the obstacles is a great way to start.
    I'd like to use my phone less as soon as I wake up because a big habit I have at the moment is checking Youtube as soon as I wake up and it slows down my morning routine.

    What I'd like to do more of:
    I'd like to consistently plan my week out with the whiteboard planner, because I like using it as a way to visualize what the highlight of each day is, and it builds a nice intention for what needs to happen.
    I'm proud of my problem-solving each time I relapse. For me, it's having my phone on. I think I should schedule turning it on for the mid-afternoon/early evening time so I can keep in touch.
    I'd like to keep on doing a little bit of everything that aligns with the person I am becoming (someone who is fit and health conscious, someone who is mindful, someone who works diligently towards his goals) even if I don't have the energy to do an entire activity. For example, I envisioned doing a major workout, but only managed to do five sets of fifteen pushups that were weighted. I could have done more, but I'm happy that I simply started.
    I'd like to continue being compassionate to myself. My own best friend. Every attempt I make to get further along on my journey I think 'wow, another 3 days! That's great'; 'we did another workout! That's one workout closer to being stronger'; 'well done on writing, you're being so accountable to yourself and improving every day!' etc.

    Thanks for the likes guys. I hope you're all doing well. Stay strong.

    Kind regards,
    ZuKagasio1 likes this.
  11. Hey everyone!

    I'm really happy. That little alarm clock I bought yesterday worked a treat this morning. I had my phone on because I was paranoid that the alarm wouldn't work so I used my phone one as well. I've now switched off my phone and I feel really good about it. I want to use my phone intentionally, so I'll only switch it on when I need to catch up with people and social media. Everything in healthy doses, right?

    I didn't have any urges or big triggers yesterday. Even with general anxious thoughts I have about people or events didn't feel overwhelming. It's only when I'm really tired do I feel the struggle... having said that, my sleep lately has been inconsistent and poor quality. But I'm trying to reset everything. It's hard to get out of a rut, but I'm proud of the progress I make each day to get closer to where I need to be.

    For these self-reflection prompts, I want to readjust it so I have it aligned with the habits I'm trying to form.

    I'm trying to maintain a habit for meditation and reading, work on one creative outlet each day, and keep a regular sleep schedule at the moment. I know it's a lot to manage at once, but the meditation and reading habits are part of my morning and night routines currently. I meditate in the morning as a minimum and later in the day if I'm feeling the need for a break. I try to read as a minimum before bed, which is tricky because I don't consistently keep at that. There are different cues that I need to revisit.

    I want to take a moment to explain as much as I know about habit formation in the hopes that it helps you guys out there. This is really important in understanding habit formation: you need to identify your cues, select a new routine, and provide yourself with an old reward.

    The first step in doing this would be to understand your rewards: when I used to PMO, it was never because I desperately wanted an O or that it was particularly bringing me added joy I needed throughout the day. It was because I wanted stimulation from something that I wasn't getting. I.e. I was bored or freaking out about a task before I got started. It de-stressed me, so the real reward was that I was entertained for an hour, or I wasn't so stressed out (post O bliss). This takes a little bit of self reflection to figure out what PMO's reward is for you: I find journaling and meditation to be a big help. I know we hark on about it in this community but it's invaluable and you should give it a go.

    The second step is to figure out new routines: I played around with this for months, but through experimentation, found that my PMO urges decreased as I tried to find something that sticks. I moved out of home a few months ago and this significantly helped with this process, as I was able to adjust to new settings and form new habits in a new environment, which is a huge advantage. If possible for you, I'd suggest trying it out. Previously, I'd PMO in the morning and evening. It was because I didn't have a direction for most days generally so I had nothing pressing me to get up and go out for the day (morning) and in the evening, whatever stressed me out, needed to be relieved, so I'd PMO in the evening. So now, in the morning, I do the dishes. I wake up, I drink some water, and I do the dishes. This usually is just to get me up out of bed and to get my day started. I haven't PMOd in the morning in several months (I now almost do it exclusively in the middle of the day/evening). In the evenings, I'm trying to read and meditate, but this is still a routine I'm playing around with.

    The third step is to plan it out: when you experience a cue or a trigger, detail specifically how you'll deal with it; this is the new routine! I'm still working this one out. At the moment, I've got that when I see it's late (this is 9pm for me), I try to read a few pages until I get sleepy.

    I think I'll come back to this again when I experiment more with it. I try to have a playful mindset around habit formation... there's really no other way I can envision enjoying it. It's kind of like a game, right? Did this work? Did this not work? Why? How can I make it work? How can I make this work so I can become the person I know I can be? My best advice is to enjoy the process and stay your own best friend throughout it. We slip up all the time, we're human. :)

    Here's a video which might help you all re: habit formation.

    What was difficult:

    Morning: I was able to get up early but I wasn't able to get out of bed immediately. Alarmy was good but I found myself going straight back into bed.
    Day: I was able to edit more of another video, but I did get distracted watching Youtube videos when things were difficult or boring.
    Evening: I didn't read at all last night. I was working late and then went straight onto Youtube and binged until I passed out.

    What went well:
    Morning: usual story, able to do my chores, meditate.
    Day: I didn't do a small workout, but I did do some video editing.
    Evening: I finished work at 10pm (late shifts are the worst) and I think I was stressed out, so I went straight onto my phone and watched videos.

    What I'd like to improve:
    The to do list is working so far. I had edit video listed and I ended up doing work towards that, so I think not time-blocking works for me and keeping lists is good for how I work.

    During the day, I ate very poorly. Lots of leftover junk food I cleared out of the pantry. I'm lucky I have a very active lifestyle and keep relatively fit otherwise I'm sure I'd be unsatisfied with my appearance. I generally snack when I'm not hungry, just bored, so I need to find something entertaining when I'm feeling that way.

    Breaking down a task into smaller tasks really helped me yesterday, which I think is why I was able to get back into editing. My next issue is getting distracted, which I need to figure out. My usual suspicion is that I get distracted because I'm bored or frustrated.

    I'm hoping to have my phone switched off throughout the night so I don't have any late evening urges to scroll mindlessly through it.

    What I'd like to do more of:
    Work out, even if it's a little bit.
    Have my phone switched off in the evenings and use it more intentionally throughout the day to specifically catch up with friends and social media (I don't need to do this intermittently throughout the day at all. It usually just leads to me endlessly scrolling).
    Structuring my accountability through these journal posts helps a lot, and talking through my thought process reaffirms what I'm trying to do with my own goals. I also think by sharing the process I might be able to help others, and that in itself feels really gratifying.

    *NEW* 3 things I'm grateful for:
    I'm grateful for my little alarm clock.
    I'm grateful for my thermals (it is so damn cold in Australia, or maybe I'm just a wimp, lol)
    I'm grateful for a fully stocked pantry. I always seem to get a lot of food gifted to me, and so I tend to save a lot. I'm really happy for everything I'm ever given.

    This was a long post, woah. That's so unexpected of me *sarcasm*. Thanks for reading it all if you did. I wish you all the best.

    Kind regards,
    Krebs and ZuKagasio1 like this.
  12. Hey everyone.

    So you know how yesterday I said I was going to turn my phone off? I didn't, lol. But I did end up reading late last night and I am happy with that. I've set an alarm on my phone for 9pm to turn it off, so it's easy for me to stay consistent with it.

    What was difficult:

    Morning: My alarm went off but I went back to bed and got up 2 hours later.
    Day: I was pretty consistent with editing. I noticed as soon as I hit a roadblock I looked for distraction immediately. It turns out, subconsciously, I'm very impatient and prone to boredom. I also did not make time to work out, but I will today.
    Evening: I went to social media after my late shift and struggled to sleep until about midnight, which is why I'm finding it hard to wake up early.

    What went well:
    Morning: I was able to do all my chores after getting up out of bed, which is how I like to start my day. I had a good morning of journaling and mindfulness.
    Day: I got some video editing done, but didn't work out again. I snacked less but that was because all of the garbage was gone because I ate it the day before, haha.
    Evening: I finished work at 10pm (late shifts are the worst) and I quickly responded back to friends then read well into the night before sleeping, even if I didn't sleep until much later.

    What I'd like to improve:
    I think if I could incorporate a workout into my morning routine, it would be easier to just get it out of the way in the morning.

    I still went to snack when I was feeling bored. I need to find another routine to entertain myself. Maybe strum guitar for five minutes?

    I'm going to put my alarm underneath some workout clothes in another corner of my room so I have to physically get up to turn it off. That way when it goes off I'll just put my clothes on because I'm already up, and then use that to get the ball rolling on my morning routine.

    I've turned on the alarm to switch off my phone at 9pm, so I don't forget.

    What I'd like to do more of:
    I'd like to have social media blocked while I'm working on a specific task. I'd also like to learn how to sit through boredom/feelings of frustration and just lean into the discomfort a little. I'm always trying to balm the feeling but that's what's lead to my unhelpful behaviours.
    I'd like to start investing in ETFs as well. It's a behaviour I've learned more about that pays off very well later in life.

    *NEW* 3 things I'm grateful for:
    I'm grateful for this community, I felt really good sharing what I knew yesterday and feeling connected to someone else going through the same thing I am. We'll get through this together!
    I'm grateful for the love I have in my life that shows up through my friendships and family. I have so much support and it makes me feel so rich.
    I'm grateful for being able to save as much as I have.

    A relatively small one today. Thanks so much for reading, guys.

    Kind regards,
    Krebs and ZuKagasio1 like this.
  13. Hey everyone!

    I was able to finally upload a video LOL

    WE DID IT.

    I'm already planning the next one, yay!

    What was difficult:

    Morning: Getting out of bed was made difficult because I didn't put on warm clothes immediately, so I need to solve that by having warm clothes right next to my alarm. I think I've already solved this because this morning I did exactly that and woke up at 6am. Not my 5am start but getting there!
    Day: I uploaded! I had time to kill so I could have spent it reading or working on the next one. Working my job during the day into the evening was hard and towards the end I found myself a bit stressed by the work.
    Evening: My friend came over so I didn't stick to my night routine too well, but that's okay. I make exceptions when it involves having quality time with friends and family. Sleeping straight away also requires me to be very warm, as I've learned. I got up after 20 minutes of trying to sleep and put on a second layer of socks - I passed out shortly after.

    What went well:
    Morning: I think my mindfulness during my meditation went really well. I was able to refocus on my breathing whenever I was witnessing my own thoughts distracting me. Not the case this morning, but I still showed up.
    Day: I ate well, and I did a work out! I tried this workout from a guy who does 25 reps of one exercise, then repeats after a minute break but going down by 1 rep each time until eventually you're at 1. I reduced the break time because past the 10 rep mark it gets boring waiting a whole minute.
    Evening: I finished work at 10pm (late shifts are the worst), had a meaningful chat with a good friend, and I took her home later. I then read only two pages to keep my reading habit up and passed out shortly after.

    What I'd like to improve:
    I did a work out after I did my video editing, and not before. I need to find a reward that feels worthwhile. At the moment, I make a hot drink consistently each morning, so maybe if I push out making the hot drink (it's either tea or coffee) until after the work out, that might be a way for it to work?

    I wasn't bored so much, but probably because my morning was as productive as it was. I'm going to keep playing around with productive distractions such as guitar playing, video writing, and so forth.

    After getting one video out, I'd like to have the next idea already planned, so if a filming opportunity comes up I can take it then and there.

    What I'd like to do more of:
    Planning content well in advance.

    *NEW* 3 things I'm grateful for:
    I'm grateful for my supportive friends who gave me constructive feedback regarding my video yesterday, which made me feel like I can depend on the people around me.
    I'm grateful for my ability to problem solve and work through my own weaknesses because it makes me feel more competent over all.
    I'm grateful for my home state which has managed this pandemic really well and allows me to see my friends as often as I do, which is a privilege not many have.

    Thanks so much for reading, and as always, I wish you all the best!

    Kind regards,
    Krebs likes this.
  14. Hey everyone!

    I had a wonderful day off from work yesterday. I woke up early and went for a run with a friend (EXERCISE AAAAAND SOCIAL ACTIVITY AT 7AM ON A SATURDAY? YEAH, I'M WINNINGGGG BABY), managed to finish a crochet beanie I was making for a friend and I'm very happy with how it looks, meditated a lot, and then hung out with my friends for board games. It was a really great day. I felt an urge in the middle of the day, but that was because I wanted to be productive and was very low energy. I find I hit a mid-day slump, so I was proud of myself that I recognized the feeling and was able to meditate for a moment (ten minutes and it was gone, and I felt recharged). I really believe in the power of meditation. I hope you guys all give it a go!

    What was difficult:

    Morning: Running in the morning is hard. Exercising in the morning is hard. The social outing felt rewarding afterwards, though.
    Day: The mid-day slump had me feeling like I could have almost gone down the PMO route, but I did not, thankfully. I'm getting more comfortable with recognizing urges and finding alternatives.
    Evening: I was a little tired later in the evening before board games, even telling my friend I was arriving with that I would probably call it early. We ended up staying late! The night was so much fun and I got so energized with the pace of the game. It was a great night, all in all.

    What went well:
    Morning: I was able to exercise; I didn't run a full 5km as planned but it was my first run in 2 months so I'm proud of the effort. Having a hot drink is definitely something very rewarding to me, like I expected. It doesn't even have to be sugary. I tested this with the post-social outing and post-meditation teas I had during the day (decaf, herbal teas).
    Day: I made a lot of effort on the projects I was working on. I was glad I remembered to go to the groceries while I was out, too. I know that's a little thing but I'm so forgetful when it comes to stocking up the pantry sometimes, ahha.
    Evening: I was really present at board games! I wasn't in my head worrying about what to say or how I was perceived, I was just saying the first thing that came to my mind and I didn't second guess anything at all. Everyone was having an amazing time and I loved every second of it. I also made a cake prior to the evening that everyone really liked. :)

    What I'd like to improve:
    There was a little hesitation before going straight into my meditation in the afternoon. If I simply went straight ahead and planned it, I might not have wasted so much time, but this is part of the learning process. I'm fully aware I have a mid-day slump now. It's probably because I wake up so early to be productive in the early hours on my own.

    I've been neglecting my guitar and I miss it. It makes me think about the hobbies I've been neglecting and how I'd like to have a goal for each of them.

    I filmed a little bit of my morning but it's hard when I don't have a clear plan in place. Failure to plan is a plan to fail, huh? I've got a few ideas that I'm excited to work on so I'll do that and film as I go.

    What I'd like to do more of:
    Turning my phone off early in the evening is working a treat.
    I've started using the 'Watch Later' playlist on Youtube and that stops me from procrastinating so much.

    *NEW* 3 things I'm grateful for:
    I'm grateful for board games, they're so much fun and they really bring people together!
    I'm grateful for sweet, baked goods, such as croissants and cakes. They're so delicious and they're always fun to make.
    I'm grateful for my progress so far: a year ago I struggled really hard to derail myself when an urge arrived. It feels like such a conscious decision now and I'm really proud of the effort to get here. I'm excited to see how it grows. :)

    Thanks so much for reading. I hope you're all staying strong!

    Kind regards,
    ZuKagasio1 and Krebs like this.

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