Hey everyone. I'm here for the same reason everyone else is. I've actually been trying to recover from pornography addiction ever since I realized it was an addiction, almost 4 years ago. It's been tough. Inconsistent. I think there was a time I just gave up, too. These last 6 months, however, I've had some of the biggest streaks I've ever managed so far. Not that the streaks are what matter, because by now I've learned the underlying behaviour and habits that make the streak a happy side-effect. The main reason I've decided to start a journal now is after gaining more understanding on how we work as humans, and the recovery process of addiction, I realize it takes a village. When addicts finally attend NA/CODA/AA, whatever form of anonymous meeting that exists, they all strengthen their belief in themselves through one another, through sharing their progress and what is possible. I think that's what's made it so hard for me to do this all on my own. I also think some of the most successful people were sharing themselves through the heartache and struggle. Personally, I remember learning to masturbate at a very young age. It wasn't until I got older and discovered pornography that it grew insidious roots into my life. Before I knew it, PMO became less about fun sexual expression like it used to be when I was a kid, and more about coping with stress. One of my biggest flaws is denying myself. I do this in a multitude of ways: not understanding my feelings, saying yes when I mean no, being as small and agreeable as possible. And these things have left their indelible mark on my personality, and I think I managed it well because, without fail, I'd go home, and let black out watching porn and masturbating. As an adult, this would happen more frequently, between meeting people, before I went out, after I came home, just... all the time. As a student, I would go and start masturbating as soon as I was struggling to understand something. And it does feel good. It's literally the feeling of nothing, mixed with the easiest euphoria your body can give you naturally. No wonder we all get addicted to it. Sometimes life is so hard we want nothing from it, but to feel good. But I don't want to feel good like this anymore. It's had a really awful effect on how I perceive myself. I suppose everything I'm rambling about has been said in some way or another by someone else here, but it still feels good to express it. I think self expression (particularly of the hard, vulnerable parts of ourselves) really does bring us back to who we truly are, or who we can be. Anyways, I'm not going to keep on rambling. I'll save it for another post. I have another journal I write daily affirmations in, where I really visualize the person I can become, and it helps a lot. This morning I wrote: 'I can change. I have an iron will and I can unlearn old habits to become the version of myself I wish to be.' I think this is true of myself and of you all, too. I look forward to reading your stories and encourage you on your journeys! Kind regards, T.