Recovery is the only option

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Aussie2, Sep 10, 2019.

  1. Aussie2

    Aussie2 New Member

    Hi all!

    Well around 5 years after I discovered the nofap/PMO addiction community I'm back to finally kick this addiction once and for good.

    A brief summary of my past:

    Basically the same generic story really,started using porn at around 13.I always knew it was somewhat bad for me,never connected the dots though.I never suffered from full blown PIED,had sex with girls all throughout my teenage years and early adulthood.

    I guess my addiction really started to effect my life at around age 20,that's when the social anxiety/awkwardness (stemming from shame) started,and then I discovered how powerful of an escape porn can be for me.I can completely lose myself in it edging for hours multiple times daily,forget about all my issues i didnt want to deal with and get my high,then repeat endlessly.

    When I get time I'll post links of my previous journals to show anyone who is interested just how dark the place I was in was,and I was deluded about recovery,reading my posts from years ago made me very emotional.i so badly wanted out but just couldn't do it,it's scary.i was pushing 30 and had been single for a decade,visiting pro's,very rare one night stands etc - I was lost.

    Fast forward to early 2016 - the most unexpected thing happened.One lonely night out of the blue my old girlfriend (from 7 years prior) contacted me,she was married and just wanted to see how I was.Shes the only real relationship I've had as far as love goes....the only girl/woman I've ever been in love with.

    I was very hessitant,but long story short she was unhappy,got divorced and now we have been together for 3 years.Before we even met up in real life i explained the whole porn addiction thing and my struggles with it,my life and my family issues etc and she basically opened up her heart to me and gave me what ive never experienced before - unconditional love.i honestly feel like the lukiest guy on the planet.

    At the start of our relationship I committed to rebooting,she was on board 100%,supporting me unconditionally,it was so humbling and amazing.i thought I'd easily beat this shit now,since I'm no longer alone.Could not be further from the truth.You see like a lot of you,my extremely important formative years (16 - 20's) were spent jacking off in front of a screen,I was a bonified social retard,because I'd never basically learnt how to build real friendships/relationships with real people.

    Any kind of social/leaving my house in the past was an absolute nightmare,I hated people and the fear of being judged as weird/not normal,embarrassing myself etc crippled me.My partner helped me,but the first big test was....my worst nightmare,meeting her big group of friends,family and doing normal shit,going to pubs/people's houses for BBQ'S etc,I hated it.id have panic attacks,feel so anxious that I wouldn't enjoy myself - and after one event (id been P free for I'm guessing a month,although having sex with o's almost daily with my girl) I caved,went back to porn and I've now been hiding it from her for close to 3 years! The guilt I feel is killing me,I'm just so ashamed of what I have done after everything she has given me.

    So I basically subconciously accepted I need P to function.I tried several meds for my anxiety and depression,luvox and effexor,both masked my anxiety to an extent and I continued on,fapping daily,working,dreading social shit and existing rather than living.

    where I'm at now:

    Turning point was last week.We went on a snowboarding trip (that cost us 4k) and I was a mess,within 48 hours my penis shrunk up,my anxiety was crippling and I hated it,I couldn't wait to get back home so I could smoke weed and wank.

    It wasn't until she noticed I wasn't having fun,and broke down in front of me that I realised what I'd done to her.My selfish behaviour had now started to really affect her,that's when I decided enough,I'm done.

    It's been 10 days since I fapped,I've peeked 3 times but quickly pulled myself out of it.whats killing me now is the withdrawals,it's horrific- just how I remember it from all those years ago.Basically everything I already suffer from just massively amplified.Anxiety and insomnia is by far the worst w/d symptom.

    Anyway to really break it down:

    I was 29,unemployed single with no licence or car living in my parents house with no hope for the future making fleeting attempts at rebooting.

    Now I have an amazing beautiful woman as a partner,she wants to marry me,have kids - the whole deal.I have a car,a full time job and several new friends.

    I'm at the stage now where I'm pissed off,angry at what I've done to myself.i know all the tools,have all the support I need so now it's up to me.

    Anyway that's all for now,aussie out.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2019
    -Luke- and Bezoechow like this.
  2. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Sounds like you've got the good motivation going now. Recovery really is the only way to go, haha my journal has a very similar name! Welcome aboard Aussie, let's beat this thing.
     
  3. Aussie2

    Aussie2 New Member

    Hey bezoechow,thanks for stopping by dude!

    Quick update:

    I've PMO'd 4 times since my last post and had sex once,I'm not letting my porn slip ups bring me down mentally though.4 times in 15 days is a lot better than roughly 30 times in 15 days.

    What got me was the withdrawals,this is why we all find it so hard to quit,this shit is fucking relentless,it's painful.

    Anxiety
    Insomnia
    Anhedonia

    My plan for the rest of this year is to drastically reduce my time spent using porn and wean myself off before I go cold Turks,it's just to hard when I'm so busy working,then I can't sleep (I work nights) then I'm having panic attacks and nothing gives me any pleasure at all,it's bizzare.

    Peace.
     
    Bezoechow likes this.

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