Recovering from ED.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by JesseNF, Aug 12, 2019.

  1. JesseNF

    JesseNF New Member

    I am 27 years old and I have had ED for the most part of the last 3. At least that is since I recall, but after these last months of analyzing, thinking, and remembering... I think I have had it for longer.

    I remember I started fapping at a very young age (maybe I was 12 years old). I used to have no problems using my imagination. I remember I used to MO a lot. Since always.

    I remember everything being normal until I was more or less 16 years old. At that time we got fast internet connection at home and I got hooked into porn and the exagerated amount of novelty that I could get with just a few clicks.

    I remember spending more and more time in front of my screen and progressively my tastes shifted to more extreme content. I also got turned on by group chats, interacting with other people on the web via webcam, masturbating on camera, etc...

    Soon enough I started watching at hardcore porn, and all types of fetish because the regular porn did not turn me on anymore. I remember spending hours in front of my screen, and my body was all red from the extreme excitement, and sweating... and I remember after O I would just feel so bad.

    However I kept on going for many years. Until I discovered a hookers site. I think I was around 19 years old back then. And ever since then I have been combining both porn and hookers pretty often.

    At the beginning it was not a problem. My sex life aside of that was good and active, I just though that maybe I had a sex addiction or something but it never occured to me that porn could be the cause.

    At around 20 I started dating this girl which I had been in love with for the past 6 months or so and when I finally got the opportunity to hook up with her I could not perform. That was the very first time that my D did not respond to stimulation. After a couple tries during the next month (and maybe due to the fact that we developed a strong relationship) my D started working again and worked just fine during all the relationship (which lasted around 5 years).

    Our relationship was not really healthy and it had many bad times, so I relapsed and went again to my former lifestyle of porn and hookers. It was a part of me that I was really ashamed of and it made me feel awful. But I did not get as excited with my girlfriend (even though she was very hot) as I would get with porn or hookers.

    Anyway.. Long story short... we broke up (for unrelated reasons) and that is when the nightmare started:

    I started seeing girls (real life girls) and I started having performance issues, I started having ED. Sometimes I was not even turned on with real girls (regardless of their looks). So I increased the consumption of porn.. and also of hookers. With the hookers it happened exactly the same as with porn: what used to satisfy me did not satisfy me anymore.. so my tastes shifted to other ones: like milfs and whatnot...

    So for the past 3 years I have had opportunities to hook up with real girls and I would say I was only able to perform in 20% or less of the times. Basically I was able to perform in one night stands or scenarios that would remind me of the hookers situations. But everytime I knew a girl that could be , so to speak, girlfriend material.. .I panicked and .. I could not perform.

    So it got to a point the last year where I have been avoiding contact with girls just because of my anxiety and my fear of not being able to perform. Because when you fail so many times... It takes a toll on you and your confidence level.

    Do you know how frustraring is to actually being able to pick up girls but having to find excuses to avoid sex and finally having to dump them or ignore them because you want to avoid sex at all costs for fear of not being able to perform?. Plus you get so depressed because it makes you think that you are bound to end up alone forever.

    It was not until 3 weeks ago that I discovered this site and I have spent these 3 weeks reading about everything I can in the web about PIED and porn addiction. Also I took the test and what happened is: when looking at porn I got huge erections and would spend a lot of minutes edging up until the O. But when I tried only using imagination and hand stimulation it was totally impossible for me to get excited. I need extra stimuli.

    I am commited to the change.

    I am on day 21 of hardmode PMO now... and it basically sucks. I do not have cravings at all as I am completely flatlined. My flatline started in day 1.

    I know I was pretty messed up so my recovery will take long... I feel like a need to rewire completely. The thing is now I have met this amazing girl and I have developed strong feelings for her and it is the first time that I have felt like this in a looong time.. But I am afraid of my failure once we attempt to have sex. And more so now that I am on the tedious flatline...

    I am not seeking for pity or anything... I know I did pretty awful things in the past...

    But now I am commited to getting rid of the bad habits and my ED because this ED and my lifestyle are taking a toll morally on me...

    Day 21 and counting. I just felt that I needed to wirte everything down and appreciate how bad my situation was and how important it is for me to go forward on this journey.
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2019

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