Reclaiming my brain

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Tyrion24, Jun 11, 2012.

  1. Tyrion24

    Tyrion24 New Member

    I have been hooked on porn since I first discovered it when I was about 11 years old. I never realised the damage it was doing to me until about 6 months ago. I am now 23 years old, just graduated from university. I had a beautiful girlfriend that I met in my first year here. Things weren't always great between us now that I can reflect on the relationship more objectively, and I am 99% sure that almost all of our problems were caused by my porn use. I was always very jealous, and this drove her away from me. I believe my jealousy came from a distorted view of women from over a decade of porn programming my brain. I guess subconciously I thought they were only interested in sex and would try to get it whenever and from whoever. Also, we would sometimes spend days on end together, as we had to share a room during one point. I found myself being extremely frustrated that she was always there, and I realised that it was because I wanted to look at porn but couldnt do it in front of her. I didnt have this realisation til it was too late however. I broke up with her after I found out she stayed over at her bosses house after a night out, I'm fairly certain now that nothing happened but at the time I lost it. We saw eachother for 5 weeks afterwards but when she said she wanted to get back in a relationship I said I didn't, and then she was gone. Two weeks later I begged for her back but I'd hurt her too much already.

    Since then, I'v had several weeks of feeling sorry for myself, but then I decided that enough is enough. I know what the problem is, and so I have decided to tackle it. Since I was 11, the longest I'v ever gone without porn or masturbation is 2 weeks until now. That was when I was 17, and at the end of those two weeks was the first and only wet dream I ever had. I was ecstatic, because I thought there was something wrong with me for never having had one. I should also mention that I could never really get a girlfriend at school because I was a late bloomer - my balls didn't drop until I was 15, so I still looked like a little prepubescent boy while all of my peers were turning into adults. I feel that this drove me further into the porn addiction as I looked for some way to not miss out on the frenzy of adolescence.

    About 2 months ago, It had been 2 months since my girlfriend and I broke up. The final exams were looming and I'd left everything til the last minute. I was in complete despair, masturbating at least 6 times a day in an attempt to escape from the hell I'd created for myself, and by doing so driving myself deeper into it. Then there was the breaking point. There was about a week left to go til the coursework deadlines, and so I plunged full on into my work, working 12 hours a day, and not looking at any porn. I managed to go the whole week without. Then as a reward I decided to masturbate without porn (but fantasized about it). The next day I was straight back into it, masturbating about 4 times that day, and the next 2 or 3.

    That was about 3 weeks ago. After I realised what had happened, and that I had been sucked right back into the porn, I realised that it was the masturbation that led me right back into the porn trap. Today is day 15 of not looking at porn. However, I slipped. I masturbated to orgasm earlier, and it was probably the best one I'v ever had. I didn't need to think about porn or fantasize, because the slightest touch felt ridiculously good. There was at least 5 times more ejaculate than I'v ever had aswell, and my balls ached in a good way afterwards. I'v never really been able to cum without fantasizing before, even with my ex girlfriend. I would usually have sex for at least half an hour before coming and have rarely been able to come from a blowjob, and when I have, it's because I'v been fantasizing about porn.

    That was a couple of hours ago. Now I'm not sure If I get to mark another day off my calender, or I have to start all over again. Do I move on and count tomorrow as day 16, or do I go back to square one? I still haven't looked at porn for a full 15 days. I need some support to make sure that I don't fall into the same thing that happened last time.

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