Rebuilding Ruins

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by myalias, Apr 17, 2012.

  1. myalias

    myalias New Member

    Hey forum,

    I'm not sure where to start and I'm sure many feel like I do when starting a journal like this for the first time. What I'm quite sure many do not have, is my sex life, or rather lack thereof. I was a virgin into my late 20s and I've just recently crossed the border to 30. I won't bore you with details as to why, sufficed to say I had views and opinions back then that I no longer hold.

    It's not particularly fun writing about what I more or less feels has been wasted potential, but then again, I doubt most in here write for "fun". Enough semi-depressing statements. I'm here, because I refuse to give up. Because I'm convinced things will get better, and because I'm not dead yet. Life could be so much worse, and despite having had a bout of depression a few years back, I'm ready to conquer this thing.

    A little back story...

    I did have a girlfriend in my early 20s, and looking back now, I should have lost my virginity then, but as I already said - I was a different guy back then. By the time we were naked in bed and I could feel myself raring to go (e.g. as hard as I'd ever been), I had already lost real interest in her. I didn't want to sleep with her, just to sleep with her. So instead - I ended things...

    Fast forward to my late twenties where I had had enough and decided to start dating and have sex. About 7 encounters later, I'm sitting here without having - what I would consider - to be good sex. I simply don't get hard enough. Like many others, I've consulted some doctors, both advise not to use pills unless absolutely necessary (probably a good idea), and that if I can get hard on my own, things should be working fine.

    Reading has enlightened me, and while I'm not 100% sure it's the issue at hand, it seems to currently be the most plausible explanation. I've been masturbating regularly since I was around 16 or so. I think I started fearing this might be the cause a year back or so, but every time I decided to do something about it, I would relapse. Sooner or later.

    So now I am on the 10th day of no masturbation or porn. Or at least, nothing apart from suggestive internet commercials and the likes. My libido has been swinging between 0 and 100 since about day 4 or so. Just like the last times I stopped for a few days - the difference being that I have not given in this time.

    I've read a number of other stories about some people masturbating without porn while rebooting. I think my pattern is defiantly the connection of kinky porn while getting myself off (yes, I think women in latex damn sexy). But I'm torn between letting off sexual tension and an actual relapse. I guess I'm wondering what most guys are in my shoes - if just masturbating without porn will work against me. Also, if any other type of sexual stimulation is a problem.

    It seems to be that the most important point is breaking the "bad habit". Masturbating is not specifically continuing the bad habit in my mind, but it is also not promoting what I am aiming for - which is being rock hard while pleasuring a woman.

    There... I wrote it... I'd also like to apologize in advance if my contributions are a bit lackluster in the beginning. I'm handing in my phd in a few weeks, and I'm doing my best to focus. Which is also why breaking the pattern at this specific time seems like such a stupid idea :/

    Best to all of you,

  2. itsallforher

    itsallforher New Member

    I can't see any way that masturbation can be a good thing for you, especially not this early in the process. Even if you're only using fantasies, with having quit porn so recently you're bound to have porn like fantasies, i.e. more extreme than your average sexual encounter. Personally I don't plan to masturbate at all for at least 6 months. However I do have a girlfriend so it's inevitable I will have sex a few times and probably orgasm during the process, but I can control it to some degree as she is fully aware of my situation and supportive.

    Anyways, best of luck to you sir. We can all beat this, you just have to stay focused and stay away from the porn and the masturbation if you can help it.
  3. myalias

    myalias New Member

    Re: Rebuilding Ruins - Day 0

    No - you're right, it has to be all the way or nothing. I realize that now. Perhaps not a hard realization having just relapsed. But so help me, this will be the last time...

    So, let's look at the bright side... I just started the journal and a day 0 start seems more fitting.

    I'm sure others will gain more by me opening up a bit more. So let me talk a little more about how I came about to decide it was time to act... Well... I actually did surprise me the first couple of times I was in bed with a women within the past years, that things were not working out as intended. I simply didn't get turned on. Going a few days without relieving myself did seem to help, but I couldn't commit for whatever reason. There's no excuse...

    At one point or another it did strike me that my masturbation was actually kind of just procrastinating. Something to do when there was nothing else to do. I suppose that is the time most people in this spot should realize that something is not quite right.

    I'm guessing that my problem is specificically desensitization. Given the right stimulation (read pornography) I have no trouble getting and staying hard. If I do things "just right" I can easily remain hard. But it doesn't take a genius to see that I've actually just worked myself into a deep hole while exploring my fantasies, so that no reality can really live up to what I crave deep down...

    I'll be honest and say, I'm doing this out of choice. I personally believe it will improve who I am, but I hesitate to use the word normal. Not because I disbelieve in the "normality" of regular sex, but my honest opinion is that someone wants to just get off on their own, then that's their business. This is a choice, and I choose it.

    itsallforher - thank you for your thoughts on my first post. It means a lot to me to have anybody be encouraging. I have 12 days until my deadline, and I will not relapse before then. If I can help it, I will go through the summer all clean and ready on the other side.

    My own experience is that my libido has a tendency to drop right after relieving myself of sexual tension, which I'd say is normal. Then it returns with a vengeance about 5 days later, but there is not doubt in my mind, that it's just the bodily craving. It has become accustomed to what I do and it's just asking for more. That won't do... This stops here...
  4. myalias

    myalias New Member

    Day 1:

    It seems wise to start structuring my posts a bit more, so I'll keep the status at the top and add any non relevant thoughts at the end of the post.


    Slight tingle. I think it was more my brain than my sexual organ that sought to get me to PMO. I had a slight erection in the morning, but otherwise I've had a fairly low libido. It's the combination of a slight depression and having just relieved myself yesterday. If the regular pattern persists it'll be about 5 days before my body starts giving me all the signals to give in.


    I touched upon the slight depression which I thought I should deepen here. Honestly, there isn't really that much I should be depressed about. My life has been pretty good so far apart perhaps from the lackluster sexual interaction. I'm sure some will ask me what all the rest is worth without any proper sex, but that's not for me to judge. Anyway, this state I am in still depresses me. At the worst of times I see myself as the ultimate cliche, appearing on tabloids "myalias is 30 and has never had great sex!". At best I'm unstoppable.

    I'm not sure how this rebooting will affect my mental state, but I have another habit I've so far been successful at keeping at bay despite my depressing thoughts. Given that I've been knee deep in my thesis for the past 6 months, I've also been quite devoid of social contact apart from colleagues at work. Not healthy either. Then again, it's important to look on the bright side. In a short time it'll all be over and I can start working on improving my social life again...
  5. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hey, myalias,

    I hope and have faith in you and you will not crack and will be stronger than your urge to give in.

    In either way if you do relapse - I will still support you on your path because it's hard to give up PMO on 1st attempt.

    If you defeat the urge to PMO - I will be proud of you and others will be motivated by you that you took the 2nd step - defeated the 1st urge wave.

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