Rebooting - I want to feel proud about myself

This, 100% this.

 

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I can't even comment on those quotes. You've said everything.

 

Man, Clean, I'm proud of you Remember a couple of days when I suggested going just seven days P(MO) free ? Looks like you do it

But nonetheless - way to go, my friend !

 

A week! You did it baby!

 

Hey Clean, I know I don't post in your journal often, but I always follow it. I just find that most of your insighful posts are so aligned with the way I think and perceive my surroundings, that I'm left speechless. I can relate to almost everything you've said in the last posts. I feel like I'm very similar to you, except that you have more of an artistic side than me.

I have suffered a lot because of over analyzing things and in the end it is completely pointless. You end up feeling sad and frustrated, wallowing in your own tragedy, instead of using that time in more productive things, which most people do and that is why we might feel inferior at times. I have been talking to my psychologist and I've concluded that every once in a while I need some sort of "vacations" from any kind of effort and in those times I simply destroy everything good I've done. For example, I go 3 weeks completely abstinent and improving my life and suddenly I have dark moments in which I feel like sabotaging myself and choosing the easy side, no matter if it includes utter failure.

I honestly believe that figuring ourselves out by writing what we think in here is very productive as well as therapy (which you should reconsider). I agree with you when you said that at some point after analyzing our underlying issues we'll have to take action.

Finally, I can relate to not feeling interested in our generation's latest hobbies and most of the times I appear to be like I'm boring, when it's not really true. Most people don't understand that not everybody is like them, but it is hard for us to prove ourselves otherwise. I'm sure I have some hobbies, but I can't share them with 99% of the people I have met, because people don't get them. However, I admit that after being rejected by many people due to being different, I have developed a lot of resentment and prejudice towards people, so most of the times I judge people before I know them and I assume they aren't like me.

You should really put some effort in trying out some of those dreams and passions you have, because they will help you to cope with your depression and if you stay consistent you will feel relieved by the progress you make. I honestly don't know how I would be feeling right now if I hadn't committed to the gym as I'm doing right now. As I have been a quitter with everything in my life, everyday I feel compelled to beat my renunciation and I have grown to love the effort I put when I work out. If only I applied that mindset to everything in my life, I'd be in a completely different place.

 

Lucky bastard, lol. I'd like to make a specific girl happy as well, but she doesn't appreciate that, hahaha.

So have fun, dude.

 

I wish girls in my town were as open as that when it comes to sexuality.

And woo-hoo 10 days!

 

You lucky dog! It seems that your always depressed and wanting a relationship, but yet you have all these girls that want your d. Good job man!

 

Thank you for your help on my thread, and congratulations for your current progress! Don't screw up now, or I will find you and I will kill you.

 

Thank me later. 8)

Good to see that you're on your track. It feels so much better to have a positive attitude instead of sitting around and fall into lethargy, doesn't it? Push yourself hard, mate. I'm also doing the workshop. So I'm curious about what you're going to tell.

 

Everything okay, man, did I just see you start a new account and then delete it again?

 

What happened Clean? Are you all right?

 

Yes, I'm alright now.

I'm trying to do this workshop: http://recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_002.php

And I can't come up with a single thing I want to commit too. This sucks. It seems like an excellent workshop.

 

Commit with find something to commit with. I'm serious.

 

I've tried that for years man. No amount of thinking will help with developing a life vision as things are now. I think I should postpone it for a while.

 

Why? How is it "later" better than now? Today wasn't better than yesterday, so why would tomorrow be any different?

You need to find a passion in life. It seems to me, even though I'm not an English native speaker, that you have some neat writing skills. Perhaps you could use it for some artistic purpose? Loners are often dormant artists.

Either way, you're bullshitting yourself if you think postponing the big changes in life you obviously need is gonna make any difference. It's just a waste of time.

 

I understand what you're saying and I know that you're right. The thing is, how can I decide upon a direction in life when I have no ideas and no desire to even do so? It would fall flat within days.

I've begun to work out again at least. Nothing intense , but it's better than nothing. I've done a bit of writing too but I feel very restless all the time so I'm not in the mood for it. I'm now thinking about learning stuff through khanacademy.org or taking a course at coursea.com.

 

How are you doing man?

 

That's exactly right, Cleanhands. No matter what pace you assume, you're still running circles around every guy glued to the couch.