Rebooting - I want to feel proud about myself

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by CleanHands, Jan 7, 2013.

  1. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    [​IMG]
     
  2. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    Lol and you haven't let us down yet with the memes. You know what, that's a good idea! I might just steal that for my own journal.
     
  3. Netherlife

    Netherlife Guest

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    It is a bit interesting that you went from talking about loneliness when you saw that couple kissing to rationalizing the benefits of gaming, and how productivity without fun leads to living like a robot.

    I also noticed that in the previous posts prior to this one, you mention being analytical but not in an overly serious way.

    I'm not going to convince you to reconsider, but I will say this. Over the last 8 months I realized that there was one constant that has not changed since I started this reboot. It is this: Thinking is not an automatic process. At any point in your life you are free to choose between thinking and furthering your existence, solving your problems and finding true happiness, or you may turn off this thought process and escape into fantasy land, and try to undo your reality. This choice is constant in every decision you make. You may choose to accept your existence or to avoid it. You may choose the happiness of a producer, or that of a drunkard.

    You may be wondering what the difference between the two is. There are many differences between the happiness of a person who embraces life and the happiness of a person who is trying to evade life, but the most relevant to our conversation is the fact that the drunkard is never truly satisfied with his happiness or the fun he has. It is never enough for him, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much fun he has, no matter how.much happiness he seeks to acquire with his evasive behavior, he is never satisfied. The reason for his insatiable desire for fun is his choice to forsake reality. Your problems, whatever they may be are here to stay until you acknowledge them and take steps to resolve them. They're not going anywhere. In fact, the more you ignore them, the worse they'll get, and the more fun you will need to have in order to forget them.

    What does the happiness of a man who embraces reality look like? The best way I can describe it to you is it is a feeling of being completely satisfied. The simplicities of life are more than enough to make you feel happy. Food tastes differently, colors are brighter, and you feel like you were made for this life, that you are right for life, compatible with everything that the world expects from you and you from it. It is a state of non-contradictory joy. True happiness is achievable with less, not more fun. Enjoyment becomes one of many emotions that you are capable of sustaining, it becomes part of everything that you do.

    Whatever the course you choose for yourself, ask yourself first if you are running away from your problems or if you are embracing them, and working toward making your life better. You might say to yourself that what I have said above is impossible to achieve, that the happiness I describe to you doesn't exist. For that I have a simple experiment for you. You're a student, so it should be easy for you to test this. First, procrastinate an important assignment, doing everything you can to evade the responsibility of thinking about it. See how that feels, and how much fun it will take for you to be at ease. Then choose to complete this assignment, or the next one as soon as it is given. Then go out and watch a movie or do something fun. Compare and contrast how you feel, and you will see my point as clear as day. The more you apply this to your life, the more often you will feel a complete sense of happiness and fulfillment.

    Edit: I would like to give you some advice that I think will greatly help you in the future. Instead of focusing on the events of your daily life, focus instead on your feelings and why you feel them. This is called introspection, it will help you identify the causes of your emotions, and will hopefully lead to resolving unmet emotional needs in a way that benefits your life.
     
  4. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    Gaming is an addiction - I'm glad I got rid of it and play very rarely just for fun.. It sucks so much of your time.

    I like real life gaming now.. Real life is like a game and I'm a player.. :)

    Or you can end up like this:

    [​IMG]
    lol
     
  5. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    CleanHands, I know nothing I can say can take away that kind of pain, I know that trying to climb out of a muddy pit during torrential downpour when you're 12ft under is what it feels like sometimes to be in your position. But I can tell you something that I think you need to hear, that will wake your ass up to the fucking reality of life you self-saboteur.

    Everyone feels fear everyone feels anxiety everyone feels envy.

    How else would those words exist if someone else did not feel them?

    You self-pitying maniac, I am being harsh because like a brother I love you, man. Seeing you get like this pisses me off to no end. I am fucking fuming right now. And for one reason ONLY.

    That badass motherfucker Anthony I have posted about in my journal? The one with the gf who's a 9 out of 10, makes fucking BANK as a machinist, and has been with enough women to near triple digits? He's been a fucking chronic stutterer since he could speak and was diagnosed with depression at age 14. That motherfucker makes me look like a goddamn pussy.

    For all the shit I have talked about fucking models they were far and few between, a couple, he's fucked DOZENS

    He has the same confessions to make, believe you me. I have teased him all his life for stuttering. He did not tell me how it made him feel until we were fucking 20, and I spat a piece of my sandwich out of my mouth in utter shock as he unleashed words I never expected would have plagued his heart because of my doing. I felt like a total douchebag.

    But you know what? He pushed through depression, a baby at the age of 15 (yeah, she's 5 and he just turned 21), and his leeching ex-gf, he worked out everyday that he could, ate as healthy as he could, and with no medication for depression, a neurological disorder, and a daughter at his age everyone, even his family believed he would crash and burn, except me.

    Now I ask you, have you had an abusive, leeching whore of an ex, a daughter at 15, and a neurological disorder? I can answer a resounding no to two of those. But one thing I do understand is this, read carefully:

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED JUST AS MUCH AS HIM, YOU FEEL IMMENSE PAIN I CAN'T BEGIN TO FUCKING IMAGINE.

    But at the same time, I write angrily, because I know you're better than that, I know this is beatable. Greater challenges have been conquered, by many, and I do mean many lesser men than yourself, and take that as a compliment.

    I am positive out of all the guys here we could vote on who is most appreciated, enjoyed, and refreshing, you'd at least be in the top 3, if not you'd take 1st by a landslide.

    I want to see the day I see a post written by you that simply says, "I don't hurt anymore."

    You are a MAN, you are not a boy. You are worthy of HAPPINESS, you do not deserve misery, please, go find happiness, stop wallowing where you are, it hurts you, and upsets the rest of us.

    This pain, this feeling of unhappiness, it is not the end. Anthony attempted suicide 4 years ago, and thankfully he failed, because I may have followed suit. In all honesty, the parties he went to, the women he's slept with, the amount of diversion from reality he took (thank you Netherlife, "You're welcome JP91") never ever made him feel fulfilled. Only did he feel happy when he finally took the bull by the horns, grabbed life by the balls, and squeezed with an iron Kung-Fu grip.

    You can do the same. We all can. Pain is just the beginning, nowhere to head but up.

    So tear down the goddamn dirt walls the surround you in that rain, use that mud as a platform for which you will climb out of that hole. Use that pain, and use our (mine sometimes being fanatical) support to lift yourself above the bullshit.

    So get that Kung-Fu grip, and go fucking own life bro. It's yours for the taking.
     
  6. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    Btw it's fine to have fun and play videogames. Just don't make it a 6 hour a day activity.

    You need relaxation, sure, but at times, I feel like you're afraid of your own shadow. I think the real issue is fear of yourself, and the success you can most definitely achieve.
     
  7. Netherlife

    Netherlife Guest

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    I was not aware of the speech impediment, but I can understand perfectly why you feel the way you do. Healthy self esteem is based off of 3 factors. 1.Your ability to be self sufficient, to be able to take care of yourself and support yourself. 2. Your ability to communicate with others, your degree of confidence in conversations with people and being around people. 3. Your ability to cope with life's problems / ability to deal with pain / adversity. You should also know that a great deal of your willpower comes from your self esteem. In addition to that, just about every psychological ailment such as depression, anxiety, drug usage, addiction, suicide, etc, is highly correlated with low self esteem.

    Self esteem is composed of two factors, your self efficacy, and your self respect. Self efficacy means confidence in the functioning of your mind, in your ability to think, understand. learn, choose, and make decisions; confidence in your ability to understand the facts of reality that fall within the sphere of your interests and needs; self-trust; self reliance.

    Self respect means assurance of your value; an affirmative attitude toward your right to live and to be happy; comfort in appropriately asserting your thoughts, wants, and needs; the feeling that joy and fulfillment are your natural birthright.

    It should also be stated that self esteem is a self fulfilling prophecy unless you know how to improve it. The way you describe your problems above will be a self fulfilling prophecy unless you learn how to raise your self esteem.

    These are all quotes from a book I am reading currently, which I would gladly type up whole chapters of if I wasn't posting off of a tablet. The name of the book is called "The six pillars of self esteem" by Nathaniel Branden.

    The first 4 chapters offer the most definitive look at what self esteem is and why it is extremely important. The next 8 chapters describe the ways in which self esteem manifests itself, and how you can improve it. Finally, the last portion of the book describes how the external world affects our self esteem.

    It seems to me that all your problems stem from low self esteem caused by your problems with speech. If this is the case, I cannot recommend this book enough, it will change your life.

    Edit:
    Chapter 4, first paragraph, six pillars of self esteem

    When self esteem is low, we are often manipulated by fear. Fear of reality, to which we feel inadequate. Fear of facts about ourselves - or others - that we have denied, disowned, or repressed. Fear of the collapse of our pretenses. Fear of exposure. Fear of the humiliation of failure, and, sometimes, the responsibilities of success. We live more to avoid pain than to experience joy.

    Does that sound about right?
     
  8. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    Ouch.

    The more I go about self-development, the more I think that key to it is checking our egos at the door. Because that's what all those fears are about. We feel inadequate about reality because of our ego, we fear the collapse of our pretenses because of our ego, and fear of humiliation because our ego. Why is this the case? Because I think our ego's attached with the reputation of being insecure, avoidant, etc. As twisted as it is, our ego has a hard time letting go of that insecurity etc. because that's what our identity's been defined by. This is why we need to check our egos at the door if we want to develop and grow.
     
  9. Netherlife

    Netherlife Guest

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    If by ego, you mean the feeling of superiority over others, you are absolutely correct. When I first started my reboot, I wanted nothing more than to be better than everyone around me. I did the things I did (5 am wake up, gym, cold shower, etc) because I wanted to prove that I was better than everyone else. At some point I realized that this is just a sign of poor self esteem. The fact is. you will never be better than everyone else... you're setting yourself up for failure because no matter how great your achievements are, it will never be enough; there will always be someone that does something better than you, and while your victories will be sweet, your losses will be ten times more painful. Such a mindset is like being condemned to think of yourself as a failure forever.

    True self esteem has nothing to do with what the outside world thinks of you, it is about how you feel and think about yourself. It is a very personal trait. It is the undeniable knowledge that you are right for this life; that you, with all your flaws and discrepancies, are absolutely irrevocably capable, and worthy of happiness, joy, and success.
     
  10. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    So you gave up? I do exactly those 3 things: I wake up at 5 every morning, do sprint intervals mixed with running, cold shower and then head to school or work. I do it for myself yes, but I'm not gonna sit here and say I don't feel like a beast when I walk into a classroom or any social setting: I don't see how it's a sign of poor self esteem. I walk in my classroom of 400 students and I'm at the very top elite group of most fit and most confident.

    Sure there will be others who do it better than you, but just know that you're in the top 5% or what have you, you're in the elite group. I also don't see how feeling superior to others is low self esteem: what if you really are superior to others? I look around me in my classroom and I see sad faces, apathetic, anything but vibrant, overweight or out of shape-skinny bodies, nervousness, unsurety... then I look at myself and maybe 10% of the rest of the guys in there who take care of themselves: confident, energetic, communicative, etc. What is wrong with feeling and being superior to others?
     
  11. Netherlife

    Netherlife Guest

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    I don't personally believe that there is anything wrong with aspiring to be better than others, but it is not a requirement for high self esteem. It is not even in the definition of self esteem. As I previously stated, self esteem is a personal trait, it is solely related to how you feel about yourself, not in relation to others. In essence, it is a measurement of your achievements, but not in comparison to others.

    I don't do the things I do to say that I am better than others, but if you think that is a source of willpower, maybe it is. However, in matters where ego is involved, the saying "the bigger they are, the harder they fall" certainly applies. Therefore, I don't want my motivation and willpower to come from a source whose falls hurt more than the rewards that I aspire to achieve. Instead, I prefer to say that my willpower comes from knowing my self worth, and reinforcing my self worth by doing the things I do. Self esteem, high or low, is a self fulfilling prophecy unless you take steps to raise it. A person with high self esteem lives in such a way that will sustain his self esteem. The same goes for low self esteem.

    I mentioned in the above post that self - efficacy is a component of self esteem, and part of that definition deals with trusting your mind. It is perfectly legitimate to say that a person who trusts his mind and his ability to achieve a desired result will have more willpower and motivation than someone who does not trust his mind. You can then argue that you can achieve higher levels of willpower and motivation without putting your ego and pride on the line. Personally, I think this is a better and healthier way to achieve the things you want in life, but that is just my opinion.
     
  12. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    By ego, I'm talking about mindset that says "I'd rather stick to the status quo because I'm unsure about whether or not the changes I'm making will have a positive effect on me" or "I'd rather stick to the status quo because changing means I have to confront things I'd rather not have a look at".
     
  13. MPT Beauregard

    MPT Beauregard Had we but world enough, and time...

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    Clean - first off, good to have you back. Glad you're feeling better.

    And secondly, let me just say the fact you have anxiety and fear means you ARE growing. With anything - learning a language, sport, or fucking piano - your body and brain is going to fight you every inch of the way. The fact that you are afraid right now is good - it means you care. Face that fear, because we have to learn to love it - we have to learn to laugh at it.

    The expectation that any of this will get easier is stupid. Every single day is DAY 1. You'll just get used to the fear, the pain, the void - and learn to fill it with other things (like a relationship, perhaps).

    Another thing to remember is that it is not useful to think of a reboot as a battle. That's a common metaphor on this forum, but I think the metaphors we use really matter, and the mindset it creates is actually kind of a hindrance. Think of it more as a journey - you have the rest of your life to live, and leaving behind PMO is the only way you can get where you want to go, and stay there. There won't be a moment where you stand victorious over your old life, there won't be any particular moment that you can say "I won! I'm free from the PMO curse! I've won forever!"

    I know you're getting a lot of advice. I know you can do this, you're struggling. It's tough. But you've stayed with it. Stay with it a bit more.
     
  14. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    Hands, that post you posted in the last page about your anxiety and stuttering: I knew you had problems with it, but I didn't know it was that bad. When you went 20 days, how much did it improve?
     
  15. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    I was actually kind of hoping you'd say that. Why? Remember my journal early on?

    That was from my day 15. Look at me now bro.
     
  16. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    Since the site admin approves, HAIL!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVjcD_LPukw

    I love some of the spiderman memes, my favorite:
    Noooooo barrel, I INSIST! After you...
     
  17. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    Dude, reality is painful.

    Do you think I'm kidding with all this talk about going through hell and embracing pain?

    I learned all this when I was in Asia. We've been avoiding pain and discomfort for a very long time.

    That's why porn stagnates us. We use it to avoid facing reality.

    That is the coward way of living life.
     
  18. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    I'm also glad that while in Asia you realized the orgasm reboot was a coward's way out :p
     
  19. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    Hahahahaha...

    ;D
     
  20. tsmith1302

    tsmith1302 Active Member

    Re: My journey to Narnia ( and how one does not simply masturbate into Mordor)

    8)
     

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