Rebooting - I want to feel proud about myself

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by CleanHands, Jan 7, 2013.

  1. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    I don't want in any mean to undermine your determination, but I said such a words many times before and they never lasted more than a few days.

    But not to that extent when every girl isn't right. Especially when you only imply so without testing it for real. Perfectionism is a no way to go, no exceptions.

    Personally I think that you succumbed to an impulse. Or maybe found an excuse to perform your subconscious decision. I can't see a single spike of indifference as a valid reason to break up. Especially considering your feelings afterwards.
  2. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    InsideOut hit the nail on the head.
  3. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Wow. Dat post. Honestly, every word of it could have been written by me.

    I have become a "hikikomori" myself. My acute social exclusion lasted for years, and would have led me to drop from college if my parents had allowed it. Forced to attend to it, college became a sacrifice. Had to drag myself to there, wouldn't speak to anyone at all once in there. I could (still can) easily go there and back home without saying a word.

    Now I'm trying to recover from that. It's been a daily hell and more often than I would like I feel like throwing the shit at the fan and getting back to the sweet comfort of my dark abyss. It would be easier to do that.

    It's ok to like fiction and fantasy. It's natural. You seem to have a very creative mind, why don't you try using it to produce something of your own? Writing, drawying, anything. It's hard at the beginning but once you get the ball rolling it's a very rewarding experience.

    And you don't need me to tell you that buying is an addictive behavios as well, right?
  4. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Would you say that you're afraid of success?
  5. GE87

    GE87 Guest

    Hi Clean,

    it seems to me, that you're in a kind of binge at the moment. Ok, that's understandable after the thing with the girl. Understandable, but not inevitable ! Seriously, my friend, please do your very best to get a new streak a.s.a.p. You peaked at freedom once and I'm sure that you'll finally make it if you stay persistant and disciplined.

    C'mon, get your ass up, man. I believe in you ! :)
  6. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    It sounds like you already have a desire... a desire to rid yourself of addiction. Maybe it doesn't seem like it's burning right now, because you're in that gray purgatory of Relapseville.

    But you've got the gift/curse of knowledge now. You know that the Porn Habit fucks your brain up proper, so you'll never be able to live the Fapper's Lifestyle for long. There's a piece of you- the real you- that will always know better, and dream of the day when you're mind is free and clear.

    This, the crawl from the maw of addiction, can be your struggle. Your noble quest. The Escape from Cybersex Jungle is a journey fraught with perils and terrors, but with triumphs and revelations too. There is no greater victory than the victory over one's self.

    I believe in you, CleanHands. I've seen how far you've gone, and I know you can go even further.

  7. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    First of all Clean, I'm sad to hear about you breaking up with that girl. I really think that you will regret it in the future. However, you alone, know your true feelings so if you truly felt blanka for her, then maybe it was best for you to let it go..but even in that scenario, 3 weeks was wayyy to soon to tell.

    I love this post, you're finally getting honest in your journal and leaving nothing to imagination. I had a feeling that you were this way but now, I understand you a lot more than before. I relate to your story in some level.

    There's nothing wrong with being a loner, some people are born to be that way. You can't be Mr. Popular..and reaching for that is the same killing yourself. Now, when I say loner, I don't mean living in seclusion, where your only life is playing video games, anime, and, what I mean is learning who you are, and your role..what type of person are you?

    Can you see yourself improving? Not transforming yourself, but making changes to make you a better person?

    High school wasn't a good experience for everyone, in fact, I hated 3/4 of my high school experience, and only loved 1/4 of it. And I was a "popular" teen. So don't worry about that. I also loved mangas, novels, movies, anime, graphic novels, and all of that ( I still do, though I don't have time for it as much because of school) but I realized that this was just escapism, a way for me to experience "feelings" that are impossible to recreate in the real world. I try to achieve a balance, where I would enjoy my escape, but also enjoy real life experiences. I read mangas, and discuss them with the "geeks" (high school term) but then I was able to hang out with the jocks because of my involvement in sports. i got to enjoy both worlds.

    When I went out with Kate, in high school, the feelings that I felt for her was so unique and so much more different than the ones that I felt reading romantic was real, and genuine, and non forced. I never once compared those feelings with the ones I got from escapism...because those are two realms that doesn't need to be interacting with each other. At least this is my opinion on it, some might differ.

    The questions that you asked in the end of your "rant" can only be answered by yourself. My personal opinion is that you cannot be fully happy unless you are fulfilled. In order to be fulfilled, you need three criteria:

    1. Have all the absolute questions about reality answered. (whatever your conclusion is doesn't matter as long as you have an answer for them and believe it)

    2. Be able to go through the Power Process, which is just the ability to make a goal, and then to achieve it. The goal cannot be ridiculously easy, or ridiculously hard, it has to be a goal that when put strenuous effort in can be possibly achieved ( i don't want to get too deep into it). Obviously, once you achieve a goal, you have to move on to the next one. A goal to draw a picture, the goal to get a desired job, the goal to be an engineer, the goal to be an architect, the goal to help out the poor..the goal to get doesn't matter what goals you have, but you nee goals.

    .the ultimate life long goal,at least to me, is to be the best moral person that I can be. This is what keeps my drive going.

    3. The third requirement is a's something that we can't help but need (it's seems to be very much biologically ingrained in us) and that's to have a female companion in our lives. Someone that we care deeply about, and that can share experiences with us. You can be rich and have all the riches in the world, but without a women, it means nothing...

    These are the requirements (again, my opinion) to live a happy, fulfilling life. So yes, finding a girl to relate to is a requirement for you to be happy, it's not a's just a biological necessity for us to crave that, don't fight it, embrace it.

    In the end, you have to find your own answers and see what works for you.

    Sorry for the huge response, but I haven't posted in your journal (or anyone else for that matter) in weeks, so I think I can give you a little treat. :D

    Be well, clean, and remember that you aren't alone in these thoughts...I had, and still have them everyday....
  8. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    So glad you see it the same way I do.
  9. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    You'll get better. You just need to keep focused on other things in life, keep your hands out of your pants, and smile.
  10. Ahermit

    Ahermit New Member


    Are you still reading ?
  11. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Well I find that page to be full of crap no offense lol
  12. Damn Clean,you need to get up and do it now. I remember back in November I binged hard for 2 weeks straight and everytime I indulged in porn or any other bad habit I felt like shit and I became more vulnerable to relapsing. I know how it feels to be unmotivated and use binges as your only source of "pleasure". The first days after getting back up are a living hell. After 6 days or so you will feel better again, just to hit the curse of the two weeks. You have to accept this process' ups and downs and also the ones in life.
    Reality an be really rough, but you can go through it. I am feeling really down now and wanted to show some sympathy. I guess you know how tough weekends can be when your social circle is basically non existent.
  13. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    You'll get up once you're ready. So don't worry, eventually you will be.
  14. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    It's true. Now that you have the knowledge of what porn does to your brain (and your social life. and your sex life. and your ambition.), you can't un-know that. You'll never be able to go back to the blissful ignorance of the porn-addict's lifestyle.

    Eventually, inevitably, you'll have to pick up the sword and get back to the Fight.

    And when you're ready, we'll be here for you.
  15. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Use a porn blocker to get some momentum.

    This is what I'm doing now and it's working so far.
  16. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Then you're doing it wrong.
  17. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    My advice is to completely block your internet for a while. Get out of it. I did it in the past and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

    And I do mean "completely", not 99%. I know it sucks, but obviously it's time for some drastic measures. You gotta choose whether you want to take it easy on yourself and keep relapsing, or make some sacrifice for the greater good.

    Think about it.
  18. fugu

    fugu "You know, feelin' good, livin' betta." :) Staff Member

    Hang strong clean hands! You'll come out of this a much stronger man then you were me. You just need to find your footing.
  19. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Me too, I don't even use a password, but that's not the point.

    Psychologically I have found that blocking porn is extremely useful to prevent me from taking peeks. It works as a reminder that I'm committed to beat this addiction.

    Without blocker I can just type an URL in less than 3 seconds, and once I start checking out a couple of videos, it all goes downhill.

    But yes, it all has to start in your mind. Avoid thinking about sex and porn. Dismiss erotic thoughts at the very beginning. Because once you start checking, peeking, fantasizing, it's impossible to not relapse.
  20. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    ^This. Not peeking is a must, you won't endure for 3 days if you keep triggering yourself. Is that is the case, fight it before anything.

Share This Page