Perhaps it is an idea to come up with some strategies of how you will cope when you are back at work. You can use the time while you are on vacation to imagine how you will deal with certain temptations and situations when you are back. Good for you for holding back on alcohol too while you are rebooting. To do both things at once is a significant undertaking. Good luck with things...
I appreciate the insight, Gracie. I have read some of your posts and found them very, very helpful. Especially the part about my wife needing the feel like THE queen. I have dropped the ball on that one and need to pick it up again. I know the obvious solution is to keep the office door open but it's amazing how it seems to close itself sometimes! I think that the commitment I need to make is to just keep on walking out of the door for a walk any time that I get up to close it.
Giles: I had always hid behind the excuse the it was too much to do both booze and porn at the same time. However, at the moment it seems to be a matter of simply riding out urges regardless of whether it is porn or beer.
Woke up for the first time without a strong urge to begin the PM routine. Instead of having to fight I just slipped into my new morning routine. I am not naive enough the think it will always be like this but it is really nice!!!
Thanks for the encouraging words. I woke up again today with no urges. The weird thing is that I also woke up with no sign whatsoever of a morning erection. I ALWAYS have morning wood!! Could I possibly be in flatline? If so it is very weird for me as I have never had a problem with ED. Regardless, it is nice to not have to struggle straight out of bed. I must admit tut I am surprised that I haven't had wet dream so far. I assumed that they would occur since it is my only outlet at the moment. I have only had two remotely sexual dreams and neither has progressed beyond foreplay. Anyway.... Another day in the books with a goal as reporting the same thing tomorrow!
Today is a big day as it will have been 2 weeks since my last PMO. I don't know the last time that I have gone this long without even a small slip. The holiday routine has made it easy but I have always managed to indulge in the past while away on vacation. Slight urges today were brought on by some very boring things that I saw on tv. They passed quickly. I was thinking yesterday about how I went in to this thing with a goal of 90 days of no PMO but that's wrong. My goal is a lifetime of no PMO that is the result of a zillion little decisions to not give in to urges. So, in reality, my goal is to resist the next urge that I get and nothing more. I also hope to start reading and posting on other guys' journals. I am only just starting to get a sense of the community that exists here and want to be a bigger part of it.
I agree and I am with you... I originally started with a 90 day goal in mind and have recently realised that my goal too, is a lifetime free of PMO. I initially had a counter stating my goal and decided to remove it. I previously made 90 days once and became complacent and relapsed. This time I am making a lifelong commitment not to masturbate. Congratulations on making it two weeks.
I think I will keep the counter as it reminds me of what I will be throwing away with a relapse. I think I can still manage to maintain the short-term focus on the next urge while maintaining a counter. Today is off to a pretty good start as there are no really strong urges. I did feel some stress/panic over my finances for the coming month. However it looks like I am going to have to find a way to deal with this instead of pretending nothing is wrong by escaping into porn. One hope That I have is that I will get better at things like finances as I actually focus on them instead of avoiding them because they don't exist because they cause me stress. I should also add that I have given up alcohol as it was seeming to interfere with things. I am now 5 days with no booze and almost 15 days porn free. I should be more clear-headed than I have been in a long, long time! One difference that I noticed yesterday is that I laughed at things more deeply and genuinely than I have in a while.
Yesterday was the first day that I didn't post since I started this reboot. Luckily it wasn't a sign of a problem. The urges aren't particularly strong and those that do come have been easily thwarted by doing something else like coming here to read or by reading a novel. My urge to drink has actually proven stronger than my urge to view porn or to M. I had a few drinks last night and I don't think it set me back any. I am encouraged by the fact that I seem to be letting images of attractive women that I encounter throughout the day go instead of storing them up for later MO. All through high school and college I would M to the images of the attractive I had encountered during the day or seen on tv. I am a college professor and have done the same with the attractive girls in my classes. I have been at the beach for the past 10 days with a lot a very attractive women on bikinis and I seem to be doing a better of admiring them and letting them go. I still struggle a bit with F when I am watching them but I don't save them to the hard drive in my brain for future use. This seems like some sort of progress. So I am almost through the morning hours on day 16. I am feeling pretty good but I need to get prepared for the return to my office in a few days. Work is where I have to deal with tasks that create stress and anxiety for me but cannot be avoided. The key strategies for me will be to resume my exercise routine, to commit to meditating upon arrival, and keeping the door and blinds open. Like my morning routine, my work day issues seem to be about getting the day started correctly rather than heading down the abyss on arrival.
Today is the last full day of my holiday before making the long drive home tomorrow. No close calls while away. I have probably gawked at more women than I should have but that is a habit that is going to go away slowly. As I wrote earlier, I am encouraged that I haven't been "capturing" the images for future use in MO as I have done in the past. I have a lot ofwork to do on my relationship with my wife. I am emotionally locked-up and she has become very guarded because of the many times that I have hurt her through the years. I need to find the courage to break the ice and approach her. Doing so risks my feeling her wrath so I choose to remain distant and safe and we make no progress. I am hoping that one of the side effects of the reboot is a renewed confidence and courage to approach her over and over again so that the healing process for us can begin.
It sounds like you are noticing some fundamental changes in your behaviour and thought patterns and this is great. Be aware that returning home will place you squarely up against any habitual triggers you might have. It sounds like you have some great strategies in your mind on how to cope and I think this will really help you stay strong and focused on your goal. With regards to your wife, try approaching her and regaining her trust in your mind first. You sound truely dedicated to healing things and my suggestion would be to dedicate some time getting to the root of what you want/need to say to her first. If you seek her forgiveness or compassion for example, perhaps you need to forgive yourself or find compassion within yourself first. It's just a thought. Good luck with your transition back into home and work life...
Back home again and I can already tell that I am going to have to be careful this week. This will be a week of learning how to handle the triggers that I encounter through a normal home/work week. I had things under control on vacation because I only had to get through a couple of hours each morning. After that I was never on my own so there was no chance of PMO. This week I will not only have to weather the morning storm but also establish some patterns for handling the urges associated with work. At the risk of repeating myself, I have three basic commitments: (1) Door and blinds open at all time (2) Post here before P or M (3) If I get up to shut the door, keep walking and go and do my work in a public place. I appreciate all of the kind words from all of you.
I will be hitting the three-week mark today and I am still amazed by it. I woke up with a lot of marriage/work/financial stress hanging over me. I find my hand wandering to where it is no longer welcome and my thoughts are turning towards the brief escape offered by porn. I am not going to look or do anything else but it's enough to make my realize that I am only one brief moment away from a relapse. My marriage is in pretty bad shape and I am really holding on to my last bit of rope. My addictions (porn and alcohol) have done much damage. I can't tell my wife about the reboot and how it could be the key to our future together. She wouldn't want to hear that it's a 90 or so day process to get my brain healthy. She is looking for an immediate, drastic change in me and I just don't roll that way. Years of porn have left me emotionally flat-lined. I don't allow myself to feel my emotions and I never, ever express or reveal them. Because of that, I just am not the type of person to have the dramatic "Come to Jesus" moment that changes everything forever. I am going to change slowly. Right now, I am simply trying to get in touch with the emotions that I have buried for more than 30 years. Dramatic change may follow once I have broken out of the emotional flat-line condition but first I have to figure out how to allow my emotions to come to the surface. I envy all of you "heart on your sleeve" types out there!!! I know that a marriage cannot be healthy when one partner is emotionally-inaccessible but I do not know how to open up emotionally. My emotional world has always been mine and mine alone. I do not know how to share it and have shared it with anyone. Because of this, I am about as isolated as I can be. I don't have any close friends and I am alienated from most of my family. The weird thing is that it doesn't leave me feeling depressed because it is the normal state for me. I hope that this will change and that a new level of emotional maturity will result from finally getting porn and masturbation out of my life. Anyway, here's to day 21!!
Well done for making it 3 weeks. Your wife may well be looking for an immediate drastic change in you and perhaps you have already made that change - the decision to quit PMO. You have done this already. Sure, it is an ongoing process and you have shown committment to this in the past 3 weeks. I understand that you don't wish to tell her about the reboot, but perhaps she will be able to sense a difference at some deep level. I don't think you have to know how to open up emotionally. Being emotionally present is different to opening up emotionally. Being emotionally present can allow your wife to open up more emotionally - this is the dance between masculine and feminine. It isn't always this way, but there is nothing for you to know or do per se. You are already doing, by not PMO'ing. Just keep doing this and you will find the emotional security you seek - Of this, I am sure...
The whole thing is needlessly complicated by the fact that I have been pretending for a couple of years that the porn thing was completely behind me. That is what makes it so difficult to reveal the rebooting process. She is suspicious because of how long it has been since we have made love. She is convinced that there is no way a man can go more than a few days without O. We all know better but it wouldn't make any difference with her. The good news is that I just experienced the first time that I have been alone with a computer that has unfiltered internet access. It's amazing how strong the pull is. Regardless, I turned the thing off and did other things. No sense spoiling three weeks of doing the right thing!
