Reboot number? Hopefully the last

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by truthseeker, Oct 27, 2021.

  1. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Hey guys. I’m back. I’m starting again. I just got through one hell of a divorce and I pretty much screwed up a huge chunk of my life. I hit really low and now I’m trying to rebuild. I need help. I’ve been doing Mark Queppet’s Reforge. It’s helped me recognize why I turn to porn. It’s just to escape my pain and/or loneliness. It’s a cycle though, I go through these times where I look at my life and feel like a loser, and then I bury my head into porn, which disengages me from reality, which causes my life to get worse, so then I go to porn to try to feel better, and it just keeps cycling. All I’m trying to do is escape the pain of my life, but porn just masks it, it doesn’t take it away, it just puts a coat of crappy paint on a piece of shit. I need to engage in my life and stop running away. I have to feel the pain. Fuck, I feel awful right now. Day 2 no Pmo. I’m tired of not getting what I want women-wise. Somehow I end up with women I normally would never want, but I’m so desperate and weak, and have no game it seems. I definitely feel much more attractive when I’m off the pmo. I guess I just feel better about myself when I’m off, and women are attracted to that.
    Libertad and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    All the best for your journey @truthseeker . Here's to a long streak, clarity on some of the underlying issues, and always keeping in mind how crappy it is being in the cycle as you've described, so you can avoid it at all costs.
    truthseeker likes this.
  3. badger

    badger Active Member

    takes a great deal of pounding, tempering, and extreme hot fire to forge iron. hang in there my brother. only one way, for me to beat this filthy addiction: face the fire.
    truthseeker and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  4. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Carrying on. Feeling better about myself. The streak continues. I slept well, building clarity about who I am and who I want to be. It takes time. I’ve been in no mans land going in a million directions but only getting a few feet from my starting point. I realize now that I can only work on 1-2 things at a time. For now, it’s pmo and exercise/health. No Pmo first and foremost. I am slaying this beast. Mark calls it the terminal self controlling the primal. It’s taking the bull by the horns so to speak. I need to be on my tippy toes identifying my triggers and pre-triggers. Pre-triggers? To me this is a tough and requires really paying attention and introspection. I think mine are being alone, emotional pain, boredom. Also being tired. I will be brainstorming actions to reduce these pre-triggers.
  5. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Day 9. Definitely gathering some momentum. I’m fully convinced of the damages porn causes. That escape is a short circuit from a normal functioning life. I love myself and I don’t want to damage my brain anymore. I want nice things for myself. Pmo makes the nice things feel like less and reduces the total amount, so in the end nothing feels great, and whatever I do have is pretty minimal. I have to keep caring about myself.
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2021
  6. jumptime

    jumptime New Member

    That gratitude for what you do have will serve you well. Yes identifying the pre-triggers seems important. Maybe we need to build a life that doesn’t trigger the same way as it has while using PMO.
    truthseeker likes this.
  7. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    I agree, build a life that doesn’t trigger.
  8. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Day 11. I’m not feeling any killer urges right now, but they can come at any moment. If it comes, my initial response will be to scream “No” to myself and to tell myself how deserve better. I deserve a fulfilling life, I deserve to reach my goals, I deserve a real relationship at some point.
  9. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Day 16. Doing well. Staying pm free. I did have one O, and it was excellent. I am treating myself well. I understand how damaging it is to pmo and I won’t do it anymore.
  10. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Day 24. I’m pissed off. Pissed off at my shitty status. I’ve made a series of bad decisions that have led to my current state. I have minimal close relationships. I can’t seem to achieve anything. I think the pmo kept the veil on, shielded from the inevitable truth. I was hiding from my painful existence. I have to face the pain now. No hiding from it through the escapism of porn. Porn is not a fix. It’s an evil bandaid. I will never use again. I am recovering slowly. I have convinced my primal self of this, and it took a long time to get here. It’s a lie and deception. I get why my primal self was convinced that it was good, because it made me feel better, temporarily. I was convinced that hiding helped. It gave some temporary feel goods. But all that feel-goods is interest on a loan that has now come due. I am not well, but at least I’m on the path to recovery.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  11. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    By saying you will "never use again" is creating unnecessary pressure on yourself. So you made some bad decisions (haven't we all?) It's human to make mistakes. I think you need to start being kinder to yourself.
    How are you getting on with the Mark Queppet stuff?
    Libertad likes this.
  12. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi truthseeker, I want to confirm what forlorn wrote. Not judging oneself too harsh after a relapse definitely helps with calming down and not going into a all is lost state of mind which only would be conducive to further relapses. All the best.

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