reboot me

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ziggy, Oct 24, 2012.

  1. ziggy

    ziggy New Member

    Ok hey guys, I guess we're all here for the same reason. I am simply blown away at what I have learned. I just turned 50 and have been married for 20 years. Like in many marriages my sex life took a nose dive and I outsourced my sex to porn. I had no idea what I was doing to myself and at this point in my life I have lost my ever loving mind.

    My addiction escalated to a daily thing. Sometimes more than once a day. I have managed to keep this a secret and at this point I still can't get up the nerve to tell my wife. Because of my behavior over the last couple of years my wife is ready to leave me. I have convinced her that I do love her and to not go provided I return to the man I used to be who was a loving husband. She is aware of my mental issues which include anxiety, adhd...wait let me sum it up. My brain is bat-shit.

    I have tried and tried and tried to seek help for being crazy but no meds or counseling has works. So after this shot across my bow, I searched again using "what can cause this..." and this time I used BING instead of Google. Pow there it is. Internet porn will make you bat-shit.

    Okay so I have kicked addictions before. I did not know I was damaging myself this way. This is not that important to me. I want my life back. I want my brain back. I want my wife to stay. I want to make love to her. I want to be a nice guy again. Its reboot time and i'm in my second week and seriously no porn. I did wack off twice with no porn but that needs to stop as well.

    OMG this is some serious withdrawls. Headache, body ache, tension, feel like a cold is coming on, ring in the ears. Depression.

    But I understand this. You might as well be addicted to a chemical because the end result is the same. You can do to your brain with visual stimulation what some chemicals do to your brain.

    Here is a trick I learned and used to quit smoking. An attack, craving what ever you call it only lasts 30 sec to a minute. When youre in it you think its there to stay. So tell yourself wait 5 minutes. My friends the 5 mins never comes. You will move on to something else.

    It will be back but the longer you go without a fix the further and further apart the craving attacks will be. Its also during that minute that your brain gets all irrational.

    Now this works big time for smoking and it seems to work well for porn as also but its not exactly the same. I would get up in the mornings knowing that I have a lot of privacy. I would also look for any opportunity during the day to watch porn when I knew that no one would here. I've had a couple of close calls but never busted. I know I need to tell my wife. One step at a time.

    Right now I'm just getting through the hard part. I know the "right" thing is to tell yourself one day at a time. Okay "one day at a time" but really I can handled this. Its over and I won't be going back.

    Again I had no clue what I was doing to myself.
  2. ziggy

    ziggy New Member

    I found a counselor for this. I love the guy. He is a badass at this and he has already dug up the underlying problem.
    I have PTSD from my childhood. He's right. I see it and I already knew it. It has caused me many problems and I do need to deal with it. I say I knew it which is true I just didn't realize how it has shaped me as a person.

    I'm able to separate this and internet porn. He's expertise says otherwise. I want to dive into the PSTD and begin a journey of healing. This will take months if not years to work through and i am willing to do that.

    Right now I just want to cold turkey the porn and ride this out to the end. I know I can do it. I am a very determined individual. My gut(not my deranged brain) is telling me "one thing at a time". The counselor thinks this is a recipe for failure.
  3. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Welcome. I wish you well. I can relate to much of what you have shared thus far.

    I want to assure you that you will get better soon. I felt jittery for about 2 weeks. It's long gone now. I feel incredibly strong and alive. You will too.

    I believe that with your new-found mental health, you will find the strength to deal with whatever your wife decides to do. My wife asked for a divorce about 6 weeks ago. For a week or so, I pleaded with her to reconsider, but she remained firm. About 2 weeks ago, I told her to go ahead and file. So far, she hasn't done anything.

    She can see that I am changing. She can see that I am now larger than life. It has confused her terribly. She is getting tired of hearing about how good I look.

    Your wife will no doubt undergo the same craziness as you recover. That much I can pretty much guarantee. Just letting you know, so you're ready. It is going to be one helluva wild ride. Buckle up!
  4. Confused

    Confused New Member

    One day at open, honest and set goals that you can live with.....we are all here to help and support you.
  5. ziggy

    ziggy New Member

    wow, something just occurred to me. I got something on my mind unrelated to this but it has me pretty much preoccupied. So true to form I couldnt sleep and I've been awake since 3am or so. I get up put on the news to to check out the storm in the NE. I've been sitting here at my PC the whole time and not once did I think of porn. Wow what milestone.

    There something major going on in the crotch. I've been having spontaneous hardons like crazy. Not this morning thankfully but a lot. Its really looking like I can very effectively reboot. I guess my next thing to look forward to is maybe my mind will calm down and return to normal or at least close I've never been normal.

    I am struggling with something though. I have this counselor I mentioned. I have another meeting with him today. He's taking me places I really dont want to go. First guys please, no disrespect meant to anyone here because I'm just talking about me. When I say I'm done with this I mean it. I don't want to be part of this crap and I'm moving on. Sure I like support and this form is priceless. But the whole 12 step thing he's taking to I am not comfortable with.

    I've tried to convinced him to take me seriously and not brush off my commitment as "thats what they all say" I also know I may sound foolish or gullible. I can do this and I'm already seeing how irrational I've been. Really? my fuck buddy is an LCD screen. It's my bitch? I dont think so.

    I had a very young and sexy woman come on to me the other night. I'm not proud of myself for being weak and actually hold her in my arms. I shouldn't have done that but I felt things I haven't felt in so long. My chest was pounding. I was so turned on it was crazy. Right or wrong. I don't think I could have done that 3 weeks ago. I guess I just wrote what is on my mind. :)
  6. ezagent

    ezagent Guest

    I'd think twice about assigning responsibility for your outcome to a counsellor. If he has good ideas and you're comfortable working with him fine, but ultimately it's you that has to make the changes. You can't outsource your thinking or gut instincts. Right here in the moment you're taking charge. Keep a hand on the reins. There's no telling what surprises await you on this path but if you're truly committed to getting to a place where you're living life on your own terms, you'll face any consequence to break through.
  7. ziggy

    ziggy New Member

    Yeah, thinking twice is what I'm doing. I trust my gut and instincts but he's got a good come back for that too. I don't mean to give the impression he is trying to milk me for $essions. I don't think that at all. I think he's seen a lot of people say the things I am saying only to fail. I have no argument for that other than totally disagree.

    Try as I might, I have not been able to get my point across. As a matter of fact insisting my point seems to be part of my problem. So subjectively I'm chasing my tail.

    Someone here can understand. "I did not know that daily internet porn cause worms to eat my f'ing brain" "Now that I know that why on earth would I continue to do it".

    Its reversible and its the chemical imbalance which makes you think its the greatest thing ever. Now I've been off it for a short while, I see it's not the greatest thing ever. Especially with the little red head the other night. I'm going to have to walk away from her as I did but she did me a huge favor reminding me of how a woman feels up next to you.
  8. ziggy

    ziggy New Member

    In my third week. I'm very pleased no porn at all and so far it's been relatively easy to avoid. When it crosses my mind or get triggered, I just move on to something else.

    The constant hard on has finally backed off. Makes me a little worried what to expect next based on what I've read. Maybe I should stop reading. lol

    Biggest problem is MAJOR depression. My mind begins to wander sometimes thinking maybe it's just my situation but I just have to keep reminding myself of the considerable effect that hyper stimulation has on your brain.

    Last Tuesday I was talking to my counselor again and I told him one of my biggest concerns is that he isn't putting any emphasis on the the withdrawal aspect of this abrupt change or cold turkey. He's wanting me to delve into my "inner child" because I'm a sex addict.

    Wait! whoa...You know what. Maybe I am a sex addict. I won't deny that but at the same time I'm not going to deny this; I started watching porn out of boredom or whatever. I been giving just ain't gettin' it as kid rock says. So I outsourced my sex to porn not knowing what damage it would cause. Now I know so I've stopped. Now that I've stopped I will go through a withdrawal period. Which may not be a good to time tackle bigger picture items.

    So I'm thinking about emailing him a respectful letter and pulling back on the sex addict counseling. If it turns out that I'm not able to stay away from porn, then I'll ask for help.

    Right now I'm just fucking depressed. I'm lonely even though I'm with my wife. I still have this other woman pursuing me and I'm finding a lot of enjoyment knowing that I can not only attract young women. When I question her taste she tells me to shut up. I know I should not see her.
    Have I traded porn for a young woman? maybe but I'm not fucking her. I'm sure at some point she is going to wonder why.

    ah! see this is messed up. DONT DO INTERNET PORN!

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