Reboot #362,792

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Dr Wankenstein, Feb 4, 2019.

  1. Dr Wankenstein

    Dr Wankenstein New Member

    Age 62. In retrospect, I've been affected for half a century now - to various extents. I will make every effort to post regularly. Gotta run now, however.

    Wish me luck.

    Dr Wankenstein
     
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  2. Dr Wankenstein

    Dr Wankenstein New Member

    Today was day 7 of a completely clean reboot. By that I mean that I have resisted any of the slippery slope stuff that has, in the past, gradually led me back into the abyss. So that's the good news.

    The bad news is that I'm in the flattest flatline in the history of flatness. Absolutely dead as a doornail. (Apologies to Dickens) I have thoroughly enjoyed hugging and holding my wife, and Karezza continues to be a lovely and rewarding alternative. But it doesn't lead to gradual erection, as has occasionally been the case in the past.

    I'm having difficulty focusing on much of anything. The big plus is that I've maintained a regular weight training and cardio schedule. Or seems to be the single real mood booster lately.

    I guess I have to ride this out...
     
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  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Congrats on staying clean for one week! :)

    Flatlines, as I'm sure you know, are part of the reboot. It's great that you are exercising, though, as this goes a long way to getting us healthy.

    Keep on trucking!
     
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  4. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Congratulations, reboot certainly is no fun---- but you seem to have the key. Welcome aboard
     
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  5. Dr Wankenstein

    Dr Wankenstein New Member

    Day 12

    I've suffered from depression for years, and take prescription meds. But the past few days have been pure hell. I could barely drag myself out of bed, and being productive was out of the question. Today, I found myself sitting in a coffee house crying, questioning every bad decision I've ever made - and there are many.

    Overall, the first week was a fairly positive thing. I felt good about being "clean." I definitely had more energy and motivation. But this second week... wow.

    Here's the good news. I was able to make love with my wife tonight, and even had a PIV orgasm. This was quite a surprise to both of us. We've been practicing Karezza, with no expectation of an erection firm enough for full insertion. All of a sudden... Anyway, I had to keep moving in order to not "lose out." But given how miserable today was, this was something of a miracle, and not one I plan to overanalyze! I must be on the lookout for the chaser thing over the next few days.

    I've developed an insight into my psychological history that I wish I had discovered years ago. My depression has been intertwined with a job I have despised for my entire career. I can now see that porn, and some very destructive decisions along the way, were attempts to divert myself from the daily misery and from facing reality - when I should have found the strength to make changes. My task now is to see if my depression lessens with time away from porn. The addiction and the depression have been with me for so long now that I honestly don't know myself without them. I've been dealing with depression since my teen years, and that's roughly the lifespan of the porn thing as well. So what is the relationship between them - if any?

    Short of inventing a time machine, I don't know how to correct my mistakes. I can only hope that I can pick myself up from the gutter and stand upright in the sun.

    Doc
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2019 at 3:45 PM
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Right on! Woo hoo! :)

    You're already doing that brother.
     
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  7. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yes you do sir---- you are already doing it !
     
  8. Dr Wankenstein

    Dr Wankenstein New Member

    Thanks. I hope things are moving forward for you as well.
     
  9. Dr Wankenstein

    Dr Wankenstein New Member

    Thank you. Each day is a win. I hope things are good for you!
     
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  10. Dr Wankenstein

    Dr Wankenstein New Member

    Day 14.

    No chaser effect so far. Maybe that's the "good news" part of flatline. I have no libido at all.

    I am still depressed, as well. It takes me like 4 hours to kick my ass into doing a workout that only takes 45 -60 minutes. So much wasted time. So many things I want to do but make no effort to do. Still, I have not slipped at all, and that feels good.

    This time around feels different from previous attempts. The next week or so will be telling, as my long streaks in the past have been 3 to 4 weeks. Yet, as I said, it feels different. I've been trying to figure it out, and this is what may be happening:

    1. NO SLIPPERY SLOPE: I'm being much more attentive to situations that, in the past, would have eventually led to increasingly explicit material. For example, no Tumblrs relating to working out. Too many hot fitness women.

    2. REGULAR WORKOUTS: This is huge. The mental effect may be even more significant than the physical. Afterward a workout, I feel successful and capable.

    3. LOCUS OF CONTROL: I'm trying to adopt a much more empowered stance toward this effort and toward life.

    4. AWARENESS OF OTHERS: My porn habit has affected others, and they deserve better of me.

    5. DEALING WITH GUILT: My Catholic upbringing hasn't helped in this area. But I realize that sinking into depression and guilt, which are so very much related in my convoluted mind, has often led me to just give up and dive back into porn.

    6. FULL MOBILIZATION: This is all out war. It's not just something I'm messing around with. This is the single most important thing in my daily life right now.

    7. FIND SUCCESS STORIES: There are so many sources of motivation available on line. I'm using them regularly.

    I make no claim to mastery of these things, but being attentive to them seems to be helping me this time through.

    Thank you for the support.

    Doc
     
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  11. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    So proud of you sir. Each step is important
     
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  12. Dr Wankenstein

    Dr Wankenstein New Member

    Thank you, Boxer. I hope things are progressing well for you.
     
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