Reboot – Journal entry

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ItsPossible, Feb 8, 2016.

  1. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Hello,
    Newbie here.
    They say the first step is to admit there is a problem. Here it goes, I have a P, MO, and PMO problem. I’m 36 and have been PMOing for about 24 years. I am starting to recognize the symptoms everyone is talking about on here. I felt that no one else had this type of addiction to P. I am noticing now these symptoms of irritability, anti-social, anxiety, lack of focus, lack of energy, stuttering, low volume in my speech, etc. I want to be super again.

    I practically go every day with PMO. It’s always on my mind and I it is distracting. Like a lot of you, I was introduced early and I got hooked. At one point in my life, this addiction had me convinced that I should go into the P industry that it’s my “calling”, I never pursued that but wow!

    I have tried to quit once but no success. I have a hard drive full of P that I cannot delete no matter what. I even had my mouse ready to click delete but I couldn’t.
    I hide the excessiveness of PMO from my wife but she knows I watch P and MO often. She rather I do that then go sleeping around.

    I am not ready to commit to quitting yet and actually had this typed up for a week now because I’m afraid to stop. I feel that posting this will force me to take action.
    My wife is an understanding person so I might tell her that it’s an actual problem. This will be a huge deal since, after that, she can keep tabs on me.

    I found this site researching about sexual transmutation and I am glad I found this site! That't what I'm going to try to focus on, when I get the urge, I'll turn it into useful energy. Reading through some of the posts on here has opened up my eyes and giving me some courage.

    Right now, I am taking the month of February to prepare mentally. Therefore, I am deciding that beginning of March I will commit to starting my rebooting journey. At least, I hope I attempt to quit.
     
  2. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Today, I am going to refrain from looking at anything sexual while at work today. My normal routine is that I get tired of work and to "take a break", I look at entertainment news that have sexually suggestive pictures or other websites that work network hasn't blocked. I also use my phone to look at stuff. If I get the urge, I'll transfer that energy to productive energy. Small steps, I can do this!
     
  3. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Well, Its 330pm and the struggle is real. My productivity and focus has dropped, I am itching to click on the links or open my phone for a quick peak. I am thinking about P, but trying to suppress it. I have done good since this morning but now I feel a slight tingling sensation on my junk. Its like my junk and brain are in it together to break my will of my workday goal I have set.
     
  4. jazzman

    jazzman New Member

    You need to press that delete button ASAP if you're serious about ending your addiction. Hanging on to that HD full of porn clips is no different to an alcoholic hanging on to his last bottle of whiskey or the smoker his last pack of cigarettes. You're keeping the door open which is only asking for trouble. IMHO there's only one way to do this and it's don't put it off, start today. Life's too short.
     
  5. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    I was able to discipline myself not to look at stuff at work that day. It was tough, and I would go to the bookmark but didn't click. I got more work done for sure by keeping my mind occupied. I kinda got distracted today but I’ll get back on track. I am now starting to notice how much sexual news is out there.

    hi Stephen1960

    Thanks for your reply and being straight up with me. You are right, what am I waiting for? I have somewhat started and getting the feeling of confidence that I can do it. I plan on getting a counter to follow my progression. I read through some of your posts and you had some good ideas about blocking the pc, so I plan on blocking sites.

    You also mentioned Ted talks, I found these two youtube vids that was good. Is one of these the Ted talk you are referencing? While looking for the Ted Talk vids, I found http://yourbrainonporn.com/, which is impressive knowledge about it. Everyone should read this site.

    I read that you are a family man, did you tell your wife? I plan on telling mine and I hope she is understanding. I plan on showing these vids to her that can explain it better than me. I am also a family man with a son and daughter.

    Some vids I watched.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
    http://yourbrainonporn.com/story-porn-addiction-and-recovery-noah-be-church-mystery-box-show
    http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series
     
  6. jazzman

    jazzman New Member

    Hi ItsPossible, sorry for not replying before this, I tend to only get to the forum a few days a week. I haven't told my wife yet and have decided to wait till I've reached my current reboot target, that is if I manage to get that far. I'd prefer to be able to be able to say to her that I've got a handle on it otherwise it could really stress me out. I'd feel enormous pressure to succeed if she knew at this early stage, It's difficult enough as it is. She's already noticed my mood has changed but has no idea why. I'm depressed at times, on edge and sometimes on another planet. All known symptoms of a reboot which is important to know. Regarding the videos, I've seen both of those, the second one been the one I saw first and the one that really woke me up to what was wrong with me. When the guy explained how our brains are rewired through watching porn it really hit home like a lightning bolt. That we can reverse our brains is fantastic. We can do it man, we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones. Best of luck to you on your journey.
     
  7. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Thanks for the reply stephen1960, I appreciate it. Good luck to you as well.

    On to my journal.
    Didn't do so good today. I'm tired of porn taking my time away. I am taking online classes, which means, I'm in the office, alone, for a couple of hours doing school work but then when I tired of the school work. I take a break and click click, I go to my go-to sites and waste away 60 minutes of valuable study time. Now I am up late trying to finish this assignment on time. ugh. Day by day, I can do this.
     
  8. clean

    clean Active Member

    Pmo is not your problem or mine for that matter. P is just a syptom. Focusing on the aftermath (the act itself) is useless. Try to find out why you have all those problems you mentioned in the first post. Porn didnt create them if you didnt have porn you would drug yourself with something else. Porn is in fact just a cruch your mind learned to use to deal with problems you mentioned. Just trying to stop the behaviour will just make it more frustrating. Trust me on this one...
     
  9. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Thanks Clean,
    I understand what you are saying. What am I running from? Why am I using P to escape? I need to be brutally honest with myself and do some soul searching. It's something deep I can't quite put a finger on. I started to really think about what you said. In fact, my teens years was a shitty upbringing, I literally had a evil step mother who would play mind games with me and my brothers. We would get yelled at for small things like streaks on the kitchen counter after cleaning up, be called stupid and worthless. Lost touch with birth mother after 12 years old and Dad was just there. That was his wife so I think he was stuck between his sons and his wife. He would often defend her but they would argue all the time about us. She would make us cry all the time with the things she would say, and even into my early twenties. I even joined the Marine Corps to get out of that house as fast as I can. Being yelled at boot camp was nothing compared to stepmother. They are now divorced and I haven't had contact with stepmother since 2009. Things are getting better with my dad, he now understands what we went through. Even her own daughters has disowned her because she was so mean and negative. I believe now that I used P to escape the pain she caused me. I knew drugs were bad and your thought that from early on but no body mentioned porn. PMO made me feel good. To think about it now, in reality, she is still controlling and winning over me. That bothers me to think about it that way, she doesn't control my life anymore. I would commend myself for not becoming some type of person that can't function in society or druggie because of her but I am with pmo. This is huge realization moment for me. wow!

    Ok, the above post happened after I PMO today. I came here to check on things. Anyway, I am off work today, family is out at work/school. I'm home alone and that's a breaker for me to binge pmo until the family comes home. I was going to take this time off from work to catch up on school homework, so I can free up my week some. About 1.5hr wasted on p this morning. duh! The day isn't over yet, I promise myself that I will not pmo again today. I am defiantly taking baby-steps but that's OK, this has been a habit of ~20 years in the making and I must take it day by day. Now, with my soul searching with the above info, I think stopping to pmo will be better.
     
  10. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Although it’s only been 1 day, I feel great! After I made the commitment to reboot, I have been feeling really positive about life. I woke up this morning with purpose and I don’t know if it’s a placebo effect or if it’s too early but I’m going to ride this positive feeling. I did notice that I was a little irritable last night and I tried to be mindful on how I was feeling. I can’t wait until I reach my goal then after that make a longer goal. I also feel more focused today.

    These were my actions every time I had a thought about p:

    • I started doing something, it didn’t matter what, just something, like picking up my office for example.
    • I appreciated and recognized the thought, and softly ignored it
    • I thought about my kids because imaging p and my kids at the same time is weird.
    o This is like when in high school, you get a boner at an inappropriate time and you thought about grandma. lol
    • I told myself that p didn’t exist.
    • When I laid down, I kept repeating that I will wake up positive and not look at p, until I fell asleep.

    I have been practicing mindfulness meditation, which I believe has helped me control my thoughts. I am trying to be more aware of how I feel as I go through my day.
    Thanks for reading.
     
  11. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    The voice in my head is getting louder and wondering why I didn’t pmo during my normal hours. Last night was tough to stay on track. I did end up looking at some pics but not porn for a few minutes, but I was able to recognize what I was doing and stop. I did get aroused but I diverted my thoughts elsewhere. I feel pretty good that I made it through the work day without looking or pmo for the day. Its small battles at a time. It day two now, so come at me addiction and see me ignore you!
     
  12. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Reporting in. Day 3.

    Well well, hello Mr. Morning wood! I don’t have an ED issue but I don’t remember the last time I got morning wood. That was cool but at the same time, I had to refrain my thoughts cause that’s a trigger to go pmo before work.

    During the day, I was able to abstain from browsing around, except… I was listening to a radio show and the host was interviewing a privacy activist, so I looked her name up to read her bio and she happened to be a formal fetish model, so google showed me some pics… innocent oops. Besides that no intentional browsing which has helped with getting work done. I am also trying to look at a woman with much more than just a sex object or “I would hit that” mentality. Even with my wife, I’m noticing her beauty more and that feels great.

    Last night, it was like clockwork and it’s interesting how my brain knows its schedule. 8pm-11pm, its pmo feeding time and it’s reminded me the last 2 days. I think it helps a lot that I am taking online classes to keep my mind off p. I kept fighting the urge and re-focused that energy to my studies.
    Oh and another thing I noticed, someone else mentioned this problem was pee leakage. After I pee, I would have small leakage after I put my penis back in my pants. This was very annoying and didn’t matter how much I shaken it off. I figured that was a getting older thing but that past day, to my surprise, I didn’t have that.
     
  13. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Day 4.

    Similar to day with around the 8pm-11pm time-frame but I didn't browse, although I thought about it few times while I was studying. I just kept distracted, my sleep seemed to be a little disruptive but still taking it day by day. I am getting more school work done so that’s a good thing. My first weekend without pmo is about to get tested. I will have some breaks in time when I’m alone so I will be tested and I will win! Cheers to another great day!
     
  14. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Hello,

    The weekend went pretty good and had sex with my wife and didn’t have to think about p to O. I would normally have to think about p to be able to O on a regular and in most times I wouldn’t O at all. That would make her feel uncomfortable and unappreciated along with a blow to her self-esteem of not being able to please me. That was nice and huge improvement only going 5 days pmo free at the time.

    I reached 6 days of pmo free but had a setup back on Monday. It’s like my addiction was starving from missing those 6 days and I pmo for hours. I worked from home and I gave into the temptation of another computer nearby that was up with p practically on all day. I feel tired today, not 100%, and felt dirty last night for doing that all day. I have to catch up on work today.

    On a good note, I surpass the goal of 5 days!
    Today is a fresh start with new goal of 15 days pmo free. I am working from home again, so that will test my will power.
     
  15. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Things are moving right along and as long as I stay distracted and mindful seems to help a lot. I am noticing some small positives such as more confidence and a little bit more talkative. I still get really bored, and that is when I start to wonder. Now I’m wondering by surfing the web with news, sports, stores. I need to recognize that, that’s a good time to get up and take a walk. Another weekend approaches and I need to stay positive, distracted and meditate.

    On a side note, I really don’t like how my choice of p “style” has become extremely perverse. Then that leads to looking down at woman as just objects. This effect that watching so much p has this effect is disturbing.

    I need to make sure that my son does not get hooked. He is only 6-month-old, but too many of us got hooked way to young.
    Off to a good and pmo free weekend!

    As always, thanks for reading and thanks for those involved in this community. It really helps reading others that are going through the same thing.
     
  16. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Have to keep on staying distracted. When I am busy, I am not thinking about it. Had a great weekend with the family and I was trying to divert the dopamine feeling when I am with them. In attempt to being mindful with my cravings. My sweet wife, that knows me well, wanted to get it on and wanted to watch porn, I told her that we don’t need that on and the night worked out fine without it.

    This morning, I was feeling really irritable and got really upset with my kid for knocking my coffee cup over. The coffee got on her hand and luckily it had cooled but she was doing something she shouldn’t had been. Then I did some deep breathing and calmed myself and realized today is day 6. The craving is in my psyche especially strong today. I feel good about being able to achieve 6 days without much struggle as the first attempt. I continue to progress.
     
  17. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Urge is really strong today. Strongest I've felt since starting to reboot. I'm feeling really distracted at work and want to view. I happen to be at home working today, so that doesn't help since, i have an extra laptop that's not going through work vpn. It feels like it's going to over power me and going to be a fail day. Going back to focusing on work. I can do this but oh man, do I want to watch p for a couple of hours and catch up on what I missed.

    Be strong and gently remove the urge.
     
  18. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    I made it through yesterday! Although, it’s getting a little bit more challenging with me wanting to pmo. I think it’s really trying to break me down. I was stressed and easily irritable last night. I feel very weak and lack of motivation today. Here’s to another day towards success.
     
  19. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Hi ItsPossible,
    Concerning the Web filtering, please have a look to this one, which is very good. I've been using it at work on my PC (for the moment we have no restriction/web monitoring here, unfortunately, so I'm being constantly tempted to surf on those bad sites ...).
    http://www1.k9webprotection.com/
    Install it on ALL your devices. Set a password. Surf to the main websites you use to (safe and usefull sites I mean, just to see if K9 doesn't block them). Once you think the settings are OK, give this password to a person you trust, and delete/forget it, don't keep it with you.
    About me, I'm 37, married for 13 years, and I have 4 children. PMO since teenage... I never told it to my wife and will never do.
    Too ashamed, and I almost sure that she'll have a very bad reaction to that and that our marriage will go bankrupt if I tell her...
    I told it for the very first time last month to a very close friend of mine (a 36 yo girl I met when I was 17, and then I met her again, almost 20 years after, last summer! She told me first about all her bad experiences and addictions - from cocaine to lesbianism etc...). As she felt in security and trusted me to say me that, I thought I could tell her. She helped me a lot, we spoke during hours about that subject. Thank you God for sending her to me.
    This secret I had for decades was weighting too much on my shoulders. It was a real pain relief to tell her my ugly secret. At last someone to share this with...
    Then I performed 33 days free from PMO (the easiest I've ever done). I relapsed 5 days ago, the urges to see P was very very strong, but this mustn't be seen as a failure. I relapsed only once in more than a month. This is a big progress.
    If you didn't do it yet, read this very usefull post from the UnderDog:
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0
    Keep going on bro, we'll succeed!
     
  20. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Outsider92,

    I’ll checkout the blocker for sure. That’s great you had someone that you could talk to, it’s amazing how telling someone can really help and I guess a lot of us is using this forum as an outlet. I think, I’m going to tell my wife once I reach 30 days sober. I feel like at that point, I can show I have some control over it and I think (hope) she will be able to handle it and support. I also get what you’re feeling about being ashamed. Oh yea, I read through UnderDog posts, great info. 33 days is awesome and keep it up!
    Thanks for the reply and encouragement! I appreciate it!
     

Share This Page